It’s the product that nobody has been asking for. It’s the gift that keeps on giving until you curl up into a ball and cry for hours. It’s the feel-bad present that you give as a Secret Santa to that guy you secretly hate. And it can be yours for only $11.99, with some of the proceeds going to charity!

I know that you are just brimming the fuck over with questions, so here are some answers:

Q: What’s in the calendar?

A: Each month has a different photo of yours truly, taken from Avitable.com blog posts over the last several years, along with captions written almost exclusively for this calendar.

Q: Is it safe for work?

A: There’s partial nudity and there’s profanity. So it’s definitely safe for all work environments, including but not limited to kindergarten classrooms, church, and FOX News Headquarters.

Q: Where will you ship and how much does shipping cost?

A: Shipping is free, and I will ship anywhere in the world, except Libya. I’m boycotting Libya after Gaddafi’s death.

Q: What charity are you donating to?

A: I will be donating $2.00 from every calendar sold to a local Central Florida dog rescue organization that places older dogs in homes called Poodle and Pooch Rescue.

Q: Will they be personalized?

A: I’ll be writing a personal note in every calendar, so that when I’m famous in the year 2043 at the age of 66, you can sell it for 140 yuan, which will be our global currency at the time.

Q: When will you ship them?

A: Orders placed by November 15th will ship by December 1st. Orders from November 15th-November 30th will ship on December 15th. Orders placed after that will be shipped as quickly as possible, but maybe not in time for Christmas.

Q: Can I see what it will look like?

A: Just because I like you, here are the pages for August and February, but the rest is top secret!

Q: How many testicles appear in the calendar?

A: Surprisingly, zero.

Q: Does this mean that you’re not going to do Christmas cards this year?

A: I’m still planning on doing Christmas cards, if I can come up with an idea that I’m happy with.

Q: Will you marry me?

A: Will you pay my dowry of $100,000 first? Then, yes.

Q: How can I buy the calendar?

A: Through this handy, dandy Paypal button!

Yeah, I’m here on Avitable.com writing all types of serious shit and the occasional dead celebrity interview, but I’m all over the web, too. Check out what you’ve been missing:

I talked about music that you should be listening to over at MamaPop, focusing on the rap career of Donald Glover from Community, who performs as Childish Gambino, and the Millionaires, a hot-as-fuck pair of sisters with some catchy pop.

My list for the worst dads in television got some debate going, and, going way back to the end of August, I talked about some of the parody videos for the Jim Carrey loves Emma Stone weirdness that happened.

Parents who fail at being parents made me laugh and will probably give you a chuckle, and if you decide you want to be a winning parent, avoid these toys that are considered the “top toys” of the year, but I call bullshit.

Finally, over at Insert Eyeroll, I’ve got satire coming out of my ass:

• Sorority Sister sued for posting on Facebook about what happened in Vegas
• Costa Rica releases pubic hairstyle to compete with the Brazilian Wax
• Hallmark launches new line of cards for white people
• I give advice about parenting and having kids
• Arizona enacts new law deporting anyone whose last name ends with a vowel.
• Muslims demand religious tolerance.
• Pope comes out against masturbation.
• Glenn Beck makes moderate statement!

And of course, if you’re not my friend on Facebook and following me on Twitter, you’re missing out on shit like this:

I do know what a plethora is, and while I haven’t been posting here daily, I’ve appeared in a plethora of places. Over the last couple of weeks, I have . . .

… provided you with a guide on how to be a successful author.

… written about expiration dates for the elderly.

… advised teens about masturbation and sorority life.

… talked about Glenn Beck and his moderate misstep.

… psychically reviewed all of the movies for the Fall season.

… cynically discussed Kim Kardashian’s marriage.

… looked at the newest trend since planking: leisure diving. A post which somehow has gotten 150,000 views on StumbleUpon, which is recockulous.

… started using StumbleUpon a little more. You can follow me if you have anything worth sharing.

… tried to start shifting my Facebook profile over to a page. I mean, you can be my friend, sure, but would you also go like Avitable.com on Facebook? I’ll give you a dollar.*

And here’s my favorite clip from Three Amigos:

* Offer to give you a dollar not valid in any country that is bordered on any side by either another country or water and on any day that ends in “y” according to the Anglo-American spelling and calendar.

It may seem weird for me to post a gift guide after writing a post last week about feeling very Grinchy, but I don’t want everyone to have a bad holiday season.  I just don’t feel like celebrating it myself!  I’m still a rampant consumer and have some insight into the best gifts to get for the people in your life.

For the geek:

Looxcie wearable camera:

The Looxcie wearable camera connects with your Android phone and allows you to record three hours at a time, save the last 30 seconds of recording as a clip to send to Facebook or a pre-determined email address, and also operates as a bluetooth earpiece.

The largest AT-AT ever made

At over 2 feet tall, this is the largest AT-AT action figure ever made! What else could you possible need to know?

For the reader:

The Kindle

I can’t recommend the Kindle enough. It honestly feels like a book and reads like a paperback. Even if you’re one of those people who loves the smell and texture of reading a real book, you’ll be won over. I was just like that, and I can’t believe how much I love my Kindle. There’s something nice to being able to hold over 1,500 books in your hand, too.

Authors I recommend as well: Lee Child, Robert B. Parker, Dennis LeHane, Carl Hiaasen, Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Robert Crais, John Sandford

40: A Doonesbury Retrospective

Arguably one of the best comic strips ever, Doonesbury’s best strips are collected in this hardcover volume filled with tons of extras.

For the movie buff:

Alien Anthology on Blu-ray

Any movie buff has to have a Blu ray player by now (if not, buy them this one), and the Alien Anthology will be an excellent addition, or start, to their collection.

Back to the Future 25th Anniversary Edition on Blu-ray

Any movie geek worth his or her salt will appreciate the 25th anniversary Back to the Future Blu-ray set, complete with new extras.

For your son or daughter:

The Harry Potter Chess Set

Based on the chess set from the first movie, the Harry Potter chess set could get your child, who now has a renewed interest in reading thanks to JK Rowling, interested in something other than a DS, Wii, or PS3! And if you’re a real wizard, the pieces move on their own.

Apple iPod touch

It’s cheaper than an iPad, more expensive than a DS, but the iPod touch might be the perfect gift for your tween or teen. I wish I had one when I was a kid.

These are all items that I stand behind completely, because most of them are items I want, too! Don’t believe me? I even have them on my wishlist.

Do you know of a cool gift that I didn’t mention and might want to buy for myself? Let me know in the comments!

As I said over on the blog for my huge Halloween Party (the one to which that you are all invited – go read more!), this is the second year in a row that we’ve sold T-shirts to raise money for the party. I’m going to occasionally take a post here and there to showcase each of the four shirts that we’re selling.

Today’s shirt is the one hand drawn and then amateurishly resketched in Photoshop by none other than myself. Wouldn’t you like to own a shirt that has something drawn by Avitable on it? I mean, who wouldn’t jump at that chance?

The nice thing about the site I use, Zazzle, is that you can customize any shirt for your own options. You can take the design and put it on any type of shirt, any color, and any style, and they’ll make it custom just for you, at no additional cost! Click the design below to purchase your shirt now.

If you want to browse the other shirts, you can view the entire Halloween 2009 run here.

Have you ever thought to yourself, “Self, I wish there was a T-shirt out there that demonstrated that I was tech-savvy, perverted, clever, punny, trendy, and classy”?

Well, now your dreams have been answered! Available in men’s and women’s sizes!

Show Me Your Tweets by avitable
Make Customized T Shirts at www.zazzle.com

Not quite your style? Try one of my simpler, easier shirts to tell the world about your blog or Twitter URL! It’s customizable so that you can change the URL to yours very easily.

Front

Back

(Also available in a Woman’s version)

Front

Back

(Also available in Men’s version)

I know what I’ll be wearing to BlogHer this year. How about you?

A couple of weeks ago, Jeff from View from the Cloud posted about his band, The Receders, having a CD being released. I’m always looking for new music so I plunked down the reasonable $12.00 (right here through the handy order form) for their debut album, “One Night Stand,” and sat by my mailbox, breathless with anticipation. A week later, it arrived, and about three hours ago I stuck it into my iTunes and started listening to it. And I’ve listened to it three times so far.

Jeff and his band have put together a clean, professional, studio quality CD that is catchy and has a timeless quality to it. It’s hard to pick out the influences, but to my very untrained ear, it sounded like a mix between Dire Straits, They Might Be Giants, ZZ Top, Chuck Berry, and maybe some Blues Traveler. As someone who has an eclectic taste in music, from Britney Spears to Nine Inch Nails, I really appreciated the diverse styles that are prevalent with each subsequent track.

These guys obviously know how to play, from the harmonica to the guitar to the drums and keyboard. They’re clearly skilled musicians writing and playing very clean, sharp, tight music. I think that it would be nice to hear what happens when they let their (figurative) hair down, let loose, and play by the seat of their pants. Maybe for their sophomore album.

So, if you’re on the hunt for some new music and want to support a blogger at the same time, go pick up Jeff’s band’s CD.

(Disclosure: This was not a paid review nor was I asked to review this CD. I purchased it, listened to it, and wrote this review of my own volition, and it is my unadulterated opinion.)

Every blogger knows that any conversation or activity can turn into something worth blogging or tweeting. You might as well put your family and friends on notice! The back of shirt is customizable with your own URL so that they can follow along! Available in all colors, styles and sizes. You know you want one.

Front

Back

(Also available in a Woman’s version)

Front

Back

(Also available in Men’s version)

Tonight’s topic: If a teen or adult child is mentally retarded, should the parents have the child sterilized so the child doesn’t procreate? What if they’re capable enough to live outside of the home, like in a group home or some other setting?

If you listen live, you can join everyone in the chatroom where there is usually a lively discussion going on that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. You can create an account at Talkshoe and download the Talkshoe Pro software or just listen as a guest. I recommend downloading the Talkshoe Pro software because even though it still has problems, it seems like the problems are more minimal with it. Hope to see you there!

I’ll be honest. I’m not a car person. I can change a tire, a battery, the oil, and I know enough to diagnose the basic problems that might go wrong, but beyond that, I’m pretty clueless. I like to drive, and I want to be able to drive quickly and safely, and that’s about all.

But now I think I want to become a car snob. For my recent trip to Charlotte for Christmas, I rented a Lincoln Navigator through Hertz. It was a car I was familiar with and enjoyed quite a bit. Hertz didn’t have one, though, so they gave me a Cadillac Escalade instead.

It barely had 2,000 miles on it and was pretty much brand new. It even still had that new car smell to it. And I think I’m in love.

Leather heated seats. A heated steering wheel. Individual climate control. A touch-screen Sirius/XM Radio and navigation system. A rear-view camera. 6-disc CD/DVD player. A 6.2L 8-cylinder engine. And a presence on the road that convinced all dawdlers and slow drivers to get over into the other lane.

Driving the 1500 mile round trip to Charlotte has convinced me that I want – no, that I NEED – one of these cars. I could go buy one, but they are a bit expensive. If I got a good interest rate and negotiated a good deal, the monthly payment wouldn’t be too burdensome, but I don’t think Amy’s totally on board with that.

So I think I should just ask Cadillac to give me one. What do you think? Here’s the letter I’ve prepared:

“Dear Cadillac Public Relations people (aka very important people),

This has been a tough year for SUVs, hasn’t it? With high gas prices and a crumbling economy, people seem to be favoring smaller, more fuel efficient cars over the large luxury vehicles that are usually top sellers. I can imagine that your goal for 2009 is to rehabilitate the reputation of the luxury SUV, and I have an idea that just might help.

Give me a 2009 Cadillac Escalade. After having recently rented an Escalade for a family vacation, I fell in love with the style, the luxury, and the handling, and I will be a massive proponent of the Cadillac Escalade.

Who am I, though? I am just a blogger who reaches thousands of people with my words. I am just a business owner who works with high-income professionals. I am just a regular person with a doctorate, in a household earning an upper middle-class income, defining your perfect demographic.

Is having an objective third-party regularly lavish affection on the Cadillac Escalade in front of an audience of thousands worth $65,000? I certainly think so.

If you agree, please contact me by phone (818-398-2079) or by email at adam (at) avitable (dot) com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours truly,

Adam Heath Avitable
Cadillac Escalade Fan”

Does anyone know any higher-ups at Cadillac with an open mind?

Thank you to my favoritest blogger of all time, Amanda, who is the only person this wonderful holiday season who showered me with delicious cookies. She’s a very busy student and she still managed to find the time to bake some delicious goodies and package them up and mail them to dear old me. (I also completely neglected to thank Grant for the delicious gourmet popcorn that he sent.)

I love getting cookies during the holidays. And cakes and brownies and other sweets.

Are you getting the hint?

No?

How about this?

My address is:

Adam “Cookie Monster” Avitable
605 Birch Blvd
Altamonte Springs, FL 32701

Am I being too subtle?

I can say, without any hyperbole or exaggeration, that I will literally love you forever if you send me cookies.

Sweet!

I’ll go wait by the mailbox right now.