In the beginning, there was the web.
And geeks saw the web, and it was Good.
And geeks created HTML and Flash, which gave birth to websites.
And geeks saw the websites and declared that this, too, was Good.
But one day the people spoke to the geeks and said “Oh Geeks, is there a way that we may participate in the web by self-publishing online streams of consciousness, and that even the most crippled of intellects can create a website? In the name of the Motherboard, Sun Microsystems, and the Holy Widget.”
So the geeks created Blogs. And the people rejoiced.
With blogs, all children of the web, the mute and the stupid, the smart and the witty, the closeminded and the psychotic, could air their grievances, their prayers, their stories, and their theories. And other children of the web, the idiots and morons, the snarky and funny, the socially retarded and criminally insane, could read these blogs and comment on them, creating a global community.
And the geeks saw this and it was Good.
The Church of Holy Avitableness was founded on the doctrine that blogging is a sacred ritual, and only through blogging can someone join Bloghalla. Bloghalla is immortality, which is achieved when the enlightened actually become their blog, leaving behind an empty computer chair and half-drank can of Diet Coke. The infidels and unbelievers are punished and sent to AOHell, where they will live out their days in torment from the stupidity of the newcomers to the web.
In order to achieve an enlightened state, the blogger must blog when the urge strikes him or her. There is no bigger sin than forgetting to blog about the most mundane of issues. Once every element of the blogger’s daily life has been and is being blogged, and the line between reality and blog-ality has been obliterated, immortality can be achieved.
There are four Sins of Blogging that are grievous enough to prevent ascension to Bloghalla:
#1: Mommyblogging: Blogging about your children’s daily lives instead of your own, is a mortal sin, and all mommybloggers go immediately to AOHell.
#2: Memeblogging: More than four memes, quizzes, surveys, or other mindless blogging within one week shows your lack of faith and will prevent entrance to Bloghalla.
#3: Hateblogging: The use of a blog to do nothing more than spew ridiculous political opinions or trash those who are of different sexes, races, ideologies, or religions is almost as bad as mommyblogging.
#4: Petblogging: If your pet has a blog that you write, you are confined to a special circle of AOHell where you will be forced to blog for eternity using MSN Spaces or Myspace Blogs.
The COHA is compatible with most other belief systems and will support the efforts of any member to maintain both religions simultaneously. Except Scientologists. Fuck them.
There are no rituals or ceremonies other than blogging for a normal parishioner of the COHA. However, if one wishes to become a Minister of Avitableness, there are three requirements:
1. Consume the holy communion. Forged from compressed and processed materials, the communion of the COHA consists of a microwaveable beef and cheese burrito heated to perfection and coated in refrigerated Hershey’s chocolate syrup. The communion must be eaten with gusto. Lip smacks must abound.
2. Learn a holy song. The COHA puts great strength in the songs by wonderful artists such as Paris Hilton, Avril Lavigne, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Kaci Brown, or Gwen Stefani. The Minister-in-Training must memorize and perform an entire song without vomiting, convulsing (except as part of the required dance), losing consciousness, or dying.
3. Watch Veronica Mars. That’s it. If you don’t enjoy the show, you’re going to AOHell anyway.
In addition to preaching the virtues of the Church of Holy Avitableness, Ministers get the Holy Spellcheck and Holy Grammarcheck which will allow them to become error-free when they are immortal in Bloghalla!
As a parishioner or Minister of the COHA, you have the right to practice your religion without fear of persecution. Do not let anyone persecute you for your beliefs! This means that any employer, teacher, manager, supervisor, spouse, relative, instructor, or librarian must respect your right to blog as an essential part of your goal to gain immortality. Just say “I have to blog for religious reasons – my church requires it” and type your way to Bloghalla!
To become a parishioner of the Church of Holy Avitableness, simply leave a comment indicating your intention, and, if you want, copy and paste this code into your sidebar of your blog:
<a href=”http://www.avitable.com”> <img src=”http://tinyurl.com/z84gl”> </a>
If you do it right, you will have this banner proclaiming your spiritual choice to blog to eternity:
(Use this code if you need a smaller banner:
<a href=”http://www.avitable.com”><img src=”http://tinyurl.com/em66j”></a>
Welcome to the Church!
Twitter: hismuse
says:
If I join do I get molested like in the other churches? Please :sex007:
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Of course you do. And since you’re special, you’ll get the extra special molestation courtesy of yours truly. :jerkoff2: :sex023:
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this is my first time actually reading this page and damn is it good! However, I have been practicing non religion I am going to have to think on this for a bit before i decide to join.
do you think thats weird? :assshake: love :assshake: the :assshake: bum!
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We are a non-religion religion. We’re made just for people like you!
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Like BPR, this is my first time reading this page (all the way through). And NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WERE TRYING TO GET ME TO EAT A BEEF AND CHEESE BURRITO WITH CHOCOLATE SAUCE ON FRIDAY. You were trying to CONVERT ME, since you know I already do the other things. And now it occurs to me that YOU are the reason I watch VM! This whole time you’ve been BRAINWASHING ME!
Does it count if I have a blog for Georgie but she does all the typing?? (I swear she does it, not me.)
Oh, and you’re hot. I’m totally joining. :sex023: :boobs4: :heartbeat: :boobs1: :assshake: :sex014: :sex011: :sex003: :lmao:
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You didn’t read the most important post on my blog when I originally posted it? :banghead:
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Sorry. I read it now! I’ll eat the burrito on Monday! :heartbeat: :heartbeat: :heartbeat: :heartbeat:
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
You are so good to me :clap:
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It just occurred to me to notice – you like Paris Hilton’s music? Interesting. What’s your favorite song by her?
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I’ve got something to show you but I can’t figure out how to put it in a comment. Email me and I’ll send it you. I think you’ll like it. No, its not a naked pic of me. Dirty boy.
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I’m choosing Girlfriend as my holy song. Can I substitute pie for the beef and cheese burrito with chocolate sauce? Or, could you make me a beef and cheese burrito? Cuz I can’t find one. And can I have a hug? :hug: Thanks. :heartbeat:
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
Ah man, too bad I’m a mommyblogger… :shit:
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You’re not a mommyblogger, retard!
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Hey Avi, now that I have the new domain figured out and up and running I felt it’s time I join… Can I? Pretty please? :boobs2:
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Of course – welcome to the flock!
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Okay..shyly I moved from lurking/stalking into blogging…Thank God or Avitable for Chardonnay (hmm bottle is getting low, may need to send hubby for more) may I please join The Church? I will improve..(especially after the 11th of July :boobs5: )
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Welcome to the flock!
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Okay, good and liquored up. I’m gonna sing ‘Oops, I Did it Again’ I can’t totally guarantee that I won’t vomit,but I promise to swallow. (I’m not a spitter!)
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I have read this page several times, and I fear I am just not good enough to join the church.
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asian chicks are hot. sometimes.
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I would be so honored if I could be a member! LOL I sorta of follow my own rules – and my own drummer – I did write my own song (can send you a link to lyrics if need be) but we haven’t performed it yet, and if that isn’t enough I have a new photo of me in my new hat that will be posted this coming Thurs.
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I’m introducing it as a new religion on Facebook! :clap:
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i humbly submit myself to your scrutiny. :sexytime: can i join?
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Hey! The Cynical Bastard recommended you! With that kind of support, well it is no wonder I am not worthy to join…but submission is hard for me… :poke:
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oh plz add me great lord of blogging!! :assshake:
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Twitter: coalminersgd
says:
I, your humble and most undeserving servant, Coal Miner’s Granddaughter, do ask for permission to join the Holy Church of Avitable.
:boobs1:
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Can I join the church? I sent you a bribe and I blog most days…
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:sexytime: I have a nice rack… can I be part of your church???
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Welcome, everyone to the flock! Although, if you make claims about having nice racks, you should be prepared to prove it. :boobs4:
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Yeah, I did it. But it’s like, hidden at the bottom.
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I have a nice rack. I have the pics to prove it too.
http://rottnroll.com/CHAR6I.jpg
http://rottnroll.com/Char5a.jpg
Since I showed off my rack can I eat the burrito without chocolate? I don’t like milk chocolate.
I’ll come back for the lovely banner. I have Fritos Corn Chips on my fingers. I either need to lick em or wash em.
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So…I’m a mommy…and I blog about my kids, but not about every last thing they do…only the important stuff, mixed in with my own boring life commentary….Do I qualify to join The Church of Holy Avitableness?
Please let me know, oh Holy One!
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Headbang8, that’s fine. I guesssss.
Winter, I say lick em. The rack, not your fingers.
Cissa, sure. Anyone who likes MASH reruns is okay in my book.
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Well, after long deliberation I decided to humiliate myself with your widget on my blog…not my primary blog mind you, but my crazier side blog!
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Thanks for joining, Mushy!
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I am in like sin. :woohoo:
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:sex023: I would like to join. I believe I meet the qualifications. plus, I would like to be able to leave comments on your Flickr photos.
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Twitter: poppybuxom
says:
Some people drink the Koolaid, but I? I have eaten the burrito. :woohoo: :woohoo:
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Kay, sweet! Welcome to the flock.
Martymankins, welcome!
Poppy Buxom, but would you really eat the burrito? It’s delicious!
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Oh fuck. I think I am a Mommy Blogger. But I breastfeed. That gives me a leg (or BOOB) up, right?!
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Andria, a dreaded Mommyblogger isn’t just someone who has kids and blogs about them. It’s a certain style of blog that shows, through inane and stultifying posts, that the author has no identity other than that as a mother – no interests, hobbies, likes, or dislikes of her own – and her personality is devoid of anything other than maternal nature. So I think you’re okay!
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Whew. Good to know I don’t need to join the Leper colony. I don’t look good in spots anyway.
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I’m in. But Veronica Mars ain’t no mo. And I miss that frigging show.
Will the new Joss Whedon show, Dollhouse, count instead?
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I may have to get back to you on the burrito thing.
We defnitely agree on hateblogging, mommyblogging and memeblogging, though….
Count me in, if you deem me worthy.
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Oh what the hell, I’ll join!!! It’s only one’s soul… and eternity… right?
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Dude, I’m in!
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Twitter: Kapgar
says:
I have officially declared myself a parishioner!
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Twitter: elizabethbarone
says:
Heh, I think the COHA is for me. ‘Cept, I really can’t bring myself to put chocolate on a burrito. Can I just have a Hershey’s bar, instead? I promise to sing an Avril song without dying.
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I’d love to be a member. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll ever make it to Minister of Avitableness. I think I can perform every step except the Holy Song. *shiver*
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Can I join the church? My other one isn’t really working out for me…..and you’ll have to tell me where to paste the little thingy if I get in….
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If I recognize the assholeness of being a mommyblogger, can I join? I don’t need to be a minister or anything…
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