Stop SOPA.

Posted on Wednesday, January 18, 2012 by Avitable

Stop SOPA

Learn more.

Posted in Serious stuff | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

Tools and Douchebags: Our Society is Doomed

Posted on Monday, January 9, 2012 by Avitable

My Friday night started off normal.  Normal for me, that is, which means I was walking around the mall with three girls and a baby, shopping for dresses that were suitable for Friday night downtown.  Well, shopping for the girls (Lanie, Samantha, and Shanise), not for me.  Because I would never buy my dresses at the mall. Actually, though, I did buy two new pairs of sunglasses at the Guess store which are fantastic.  I may have squealed in delight.

Adam Avitable gets new sunglasses and squeals like a girl The plan was to go back to Lanie and Samantha’s house, have a little pre-party as the girls got ready, which could take anywhere from ten minutes to four days, meet up with some guys that were friends of Shanise, and go downtown to the clubs.  Because, as you know, I’m totally into the clubs.  And by into, I mean that I stand at the bar or sit down if I can find a seat and watch everybody’s purses.

And that’s when the plan went to shit.  The arrival of the Douchebag Brigade, wearing something Ed Hardy/A&F/Hollister-ish, strutting like each of them had just been anally penetrated by a bowling pin, crashed the evening to such depths as I have never before witnessed. The Douchebag Brigade consisted of four boys, the names of whom I’ve changed to protect the idiotic.  There was Nate, the short muscled douchebag who couldn’t wait to go “grind on girls all night long”, Caleb, the tall muscled douchebag virgin who got so drunk in the first ten minutes that he had to be carried everywhere, Justin, the black quiet one who may not have been a douchebag except by association, and George, the Latino leader with tattoos of Asian characters who was “really into MMA”. Clouded in a maelstrom of Axe body spray, homoerotic tendencies, and constant utterances of the word “bro”, this douchebag brigade sprang right from Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, and Brody Jenner’s Bromance.

I didn’t know that people like this actually existed. I thought that the Douchebag Club Guy was like unicorns and gay Republicans – we’ve heard about them, but nobody’s ever seen one in real life.  Most of my night was spent in utter disbelief of the flesh-and-blood douchebags who stood (actually, posed) before me.  Here are some actual phrases I heard uttered on Friday night.

  • “She pushed a baby out of her vagina and you want to have sex with that? Dude.”
  • “I really want to grind on some girls tonight.”
  • “There’s nothing wrong with gay people, but I won’t want to be hit on by one.  That’s just creepy.”  To his douchebag friend:  ”No bro, you look totally hot.”
  • “If I do fifty push-ups, will you . . .” indecipherable drunken mumbling, followed by douchebag following on the ground and doing push-ups.
  • “I don’t want to fuck anyone tonight, I just want to grind on girls!”  Presumably because he is actually in love with his douchebag brethren.
  • “There is a price that your soul pays, I think, for believing that because someone is poor, black, whatever that somehow they are unclean, untrustworthy or unable to take care of themselves.”  Oh wait, this is a quote about the movie “The Help”, from a post by the wonderful, intelligent Faiqa Khan, who is not a douchebag and who is celebrating a birthday today.

Everyone has a little douchebag in them, but it’s those who embrace it completely and foster it until it grows into this full-fledged giant douchebag personality that make me shudder.  Watching these young adult boys preen and strut with a carefully constructed artifice of confidence that could only be bolstered through aggression as they struggled through the palpable sexual feelings they had for the other members of their own douchebag tribe was a sobering experience that made me realize four important things.

  1. Girls can be idiots, but guys can out-stupid them anytime.
  2. I will never use “bro” in any context – not that I did with any frequency before, but I refuse to even use it ironically now for fear of debilitating flashbacks.
  3. On the list of personality stereotypes that I want to stab in the face with a dull spoon, from highest stabby feeling to lowest stabby feeling, Douchebag > Judgy Jesus freak > Goth > Gay Drama Queen > Emo McCutterson > Fried Pothead > ADD-addled Adolescent > Slutty “Just Pull Out” Girl > Prude Whore aka “The Tease”
  4. I’ll take being fat, sarcastic, and a geek over being ridiculously in shape, oblivious to the world, and a douchebag any day of the week.

Bro, like, dude.  Totally.

Posted in General | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

In 2012, I resolve . . .

Posted on Sunday, January 1, 2012 by Avitable

Adam Avitable makes New Year's Resolutions

2012 has a lot of promise, and I plan on making the most of it. This will be my year, and these are my New Year Resolutions.

In 2012, I resolve to do the following:

  • Continue to look for new lines to cross and boundaries to push.
  • Punch fewer nuns and shake fewer babies.
  • Push myself to write new material for my stand-up.
  • Do what makes me happy, not what I think others want me to do.
  • Embrace the fact that I am an attention whore and be the best whore I can be.
  • Take a real vacation.
  • Use “crunk” in a sentence.
  • Lose thirty more pounds.
  • Turn thirty-five years old on January 26th.
  • Punch more sharks and shake more ninjas.
  • Earn enough income to hire someone to take care of sales for my business so that I can start traveling to do comedy.
  • Tell those I love how I feel on a consistent and regular basis.
  • See more women naked.
  • Push the envelope on my blog as far as I can.
  • Make another calendar for 2013.
  • Vote.
  • Walk more.
  • Get more critical with my television viewing and pare down my television time.
  • Keep stripping negative influences and negative people out of my life.
  • Remember to stay honest, all the time.
  • Forgive myself for being so fucking awesome.
  • Step outside my comfort zone and try something new.
  • Stop charging so much for mustache rides.
  • Push myself to say “no”.
  • Learn to dance.
  • Sing more, strangle a cat less.
  • Throw away every pair of manties that has a hole in it.
  • Buy more manties.
  • See if you can actually kill someone with kindness.
  • Smile more.
  • Be me.

What about you?

Posted in General | Tagged , , | 20 Comments

2011 Listgasm: The Top Ten Future Events of 2012 That Haven’t Happened Yet

Posted on Friday, December 30, 2011 by Avitable

The 2011 Listgasm by Adam Heath Avitable

For my final list of 2011, I thought I’d indulge in a little prognostication and whimsy. After all, I’ve written about movies, blog posts, Christmas gifts, and television shows, so what else is there to discuss?

2012 is going to be a promising year even if the world ends in December, like the Mayans have predicted. I think they have about as much accuracy as that preacher who said the world was ending in May, so I’m not too worried.

Here are the top ten events that I predict will occur in the next 12 months. Print this post out and keep it as reference that I am the next Nostradamus. NostrADAMus . . see?

  1. Viola Davis will win an Oscar for her role in The Help, but mainly because the voters couldn’t tell the difference between competing contenders Meryl Streep and Glenn Close.
  2. In order to attract a younger voter, the GOP will introduce a cartoon mascot, who will almost immediately dominate the polls ahead of all the Republican primary candidates.
  3. The WNBA will strike, but nobody will notice.
  4. Jason Lee will commit suicide after making Chipmunks 3: Brick Chiphouse, but not before he shoots his agent.
  5. “Fear Factor” will be yanked off the air after the contestants are challenged to consume human meat shipped in from North Korea, and a minor zombie outbreak occurs.
  6. Slap bracelets will make a comeback, but schools will ban them because the slapping could be considered sexual harassment.  Ironically, the punishment for bringing them to school will be a literal slap on the wrist.
  7. Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh will get into a vicious fight but nobody will care.
  8. “To Catch a Predator” star Chris Hansen will team up with “Toddlers & Tiaras” for the strangest television cross-over event in history.  It will be watched by more Americans than the Super Bowl.
  9. All people will be allowed to marry other consenting adults and, amazingly, nothing bad will happen in any way.  Straight couples will continue to “respect” the institution of marriage by cheating, getting divorced, and lying.
  10. Betty White will die on December 21, 2012, which will mean the end of the world for many people, even though the “funny because she’s a sweet old lady saying mean things” shtick got old about five years ago.
Posted in General | Tagged , , , , , | 14 Comments

2011 Listgasm: My Top Blog Posts Of The Year

Posted on Thursday, December 29, 2011 by Avitable

Blogging is entirely a narcissistic pursuit. After all, we’re talking about ourselves and expecting strangers to read our words and care about anything we have to say. So, what series of top ten lists would be complete without a list of my top blog posts that I’ve written? Maybe you’ll see something that you missed the first time around, or maybe you’ll just enable my idiocy by commenting again. Who knows . . .

The 2011 Listgasm by Adam Heath Avitable

My top blog posts of 2011 are as follows, in no particular order:

Posted in General | Tagged , , , , | 8 Comments

2011 Listgasm: Best TV Shows of 2011

Posted on Wednesday, December 28, 2011 by Avitable

It takes talent to make a good movie that will engage you and entertain you for two hours. It takes genius to make a TV show that will engage and entertain you for twenty-two episodes. That being said, it was hard for me to narrow down my top ten television shows of the year, because it was a good year for TV!

The 2011 Listgasm by Adam Heath Avitable

My top 10 television shows of 2011:

  1. The New Girl – It started out a bit generic with only Zooey Deschanel’s quirky personality keeping me interested.  After a bit, though, her roommates have evolved into much more interesting characters separate from lovely, amazing Zooey.
  2. How I Met Your Mother – My biggest obstacle with this show has always been the ridiculous laugh track.  It’s unnecessary, and it panders to the lowest common denominator.  An audience should not be told when to laugh – a well-written show will make it obvious.  Once I can ignore that poor decision, though, I’ve found a show that layers stories tremendously well, builds on history for each character, and manages to walk a fine line between hilarity and drama.
  3. Walking Dead – The second season suffered a little bit from some lackluster pacing, but the fact is that it’s one of my favorite dramas on television and it’s about zombies!
  4. Doctor Who – I love Amelia Pond, I love Matt Smith’s Doctor, and I absolutely loved the season-long mystery about the final death of the Doctor.  This show has finally transcended the cheesiness that has been its birthright.
  5. Childrens Hospital – In fifteen minutes, this satire manages to cram more laughs per second than any other comedy on television. Skewing every medical show and television cliche possible, Childrens Hospital is best viewed all in one sitting, because the wait between episodes is miserable.
  6. Saturday Night Live – Every week, the cast puts on a 90-minute sketch comedy show, and every week, they come up with some really funny shit.  Anyone who expects the show to be consistently funny with every single beat doesn’t get the point.
  7. Community – One of the smartest shows on television and definitely the smartest comedy.  Defying conventions at every turn and taking risks with format and structure, this show has only gotten better, and it will be a shame if NBC caters to the morons of the world by not renewing it.
  8. Shameless – I haven’t seen the original UK show, but the US version of Shameless, starring William H. Macy and a delicious Emmy Rossum, is like a gritty, realistic version of Malcolm in the Middle.  It’s funny, dark, sad, and twisted, and I can’t wait for the 2012 premiere of season 2.
  9. Boss – Kelsey Grammer as Chicago Mayor Tom Kane is cold, calculating, ruthless, and compelling.  I expected this show to be predictable, but it threw me for a loop, especially with the last two episodes.
  10. Louie – Created, written, edited, directed, and acted by comedian Louis CK, this show is about the life of a comedian. It’s funny and sad and decidedly fucked up.  I absolutely love it and have so much respect for Louis for what he’s accomplished with this show.

Honorable Mentions:

  • Onion News Network – Mostly sharp, with a few missteps and weird tonal shifts, this show is an entertaining look at news television.  Anything including the autistic reporter Michael Falk is a favorite bit of mine.
  • 2 Broke Girls – Rampant cliches and a stupid laugh track almost ruin this show, and if it wasn’t for the chemistry and presence of Kat Denning and Beth Behrs, I wouldn’t even watch it or consider it.  Something about those two broke girls, though, really intrigues me and keeps me entertained.
  • Fear Factor – I love this show for the depths to which it will sink.  People will do anything for $50,000, which is a relatively marginal sum of money, and I love to see how right I am about the stupidity of the world.  Plus, Joe Rogan’s disdain for every contestant is quite fun.
  • American Horror Story – It’s little more than a compilation of every horror cliche out there, but it’s equal parts creepy, sexy, and thrilling.  There were a few twists I didn’t see coming, and it managed to avoid being too cheesy.
  • It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – There were some fantastic parts of this season so far, including almost all of the Jersey Shore episode.  I love these guys.

And the worst television shows of 2011:

  • Two and a Half Men – I don’t get the appeal.  It’s obvious, tired, and trite.
  • Big Bang Theory – It’s worse than Two and a Half Men because it has the potential to be a very funny geeky show. Instead, it relies on stereotypes and terrible premises.
  • Whitney – This show is like Whitney’s stand-up.  It might have been good in 1984.
  • Terra Nova – I’ll never understand how they managed to make a show about time travel to the dinosaur age boring and predictable, but they did.  Bravo, idiots!

Disagree with me. I dare you.

Posted in General | Tagged , , , , , | 27 Comments

2011 Listgasm: Top Movies of 2011

Posted on Tuesday, December 27, 2011 by Avitable

The 2011 Listgasm by Adam Heath Avitable

A week rarely goes by that I don’t go to the movies. I love the theater experience, and no HD theater at home can ever rival it. At home, my DVR is full of shows that I record and watch faithfully. On the Internet, this makes me an expert in the best movies and television shows of the year.

Here’s my list of the top ten movies of 2011:

  1. Fast Five – I think it was the addition of Dwayne Johnson, but this installment of the Fast & Furious series was funny, tightly scripted, and a lot of fun without being overly stupid.
  2. Water for Elephants – It’s rare that a drama like this will interest me in reading the book, but that’s exactly what this film did.  The movie may have simplified things significantly, but it improved on the book in many arenas, and I didn’t want to stab Robert Pattinson at all, which says something.
  3. Hanna – Dark thrillers about young sociopaths who learn about life always tug at my heartstrings. See also: The Professional.
  4. Rise of the Planet of the Apes – With minimal dialogue, and a “No!” that sent chills up my spine, this is the only POTA movie where the characters felt human.
  5. Rango – This is one of those animated films that will be better for adults than humans.  The storyline is one you’ve seen before, but the creativity behind it is fantastic.  Also, watching a Johnny-Depp voiced character run into his character from Fear & Loathing is a nice Easter egg.
  6. Bridesmaids – It’s a comedy that makes you feel something for the protagonist, which gives it a classic feeling that very few comedies have today.  Kristen Wiig is amazing.
  7. X-Men: First Class – Even with a few missteps, this was the best X-Men movie yet.  I wish they could all have the gravitas of this one.
  8. Paranormal Activity 3 – How often is the final movie in a trilogy an improvement over the original?  Using the same techniques to build a sense of dread and anticipation, but upping the ante, this was a worthy sequel.
  9. Crazy, Stupid Love – I finally stopped hating Ryan Gosling with this movie.  Steve Carell’s character starts off like every character of his, but transforms in this film that is an excellent look at relationships between people of all ages.  Also, Emma Stone makes me feel funny in my pants, and so does Julianne Moore.
  10. The Muppets – The best movie of 2011.  More than just a nostalgic look at the past, it builds on that wave by creating something fresh and new.  Jason Segel and his team really, truly *get* what makes the Muppets so awesome, and I hope that there are more movies or another show in the future.  ”Man or Muppet” should win an Oscar for Best Song, too.

Honorable mentions:

  • Super 8 – It smells like Spielberg, tastes like Spielberg, looks like Spielberg, but it’s just missing that one secret ingredient that would have made this a successor to Spielberg’s classic films.
  • Source Code – Taking cool future technology and using it to make a love story is the only tone that rang false in this otherwise excellent movie.
  • Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows – I really enjoyed this, although the first 10 minutes almost ruined it for me (You’ll know if you see it).  The final battle of wits was fantastic, too.  This should probably be in my top 10, but it got edged out.
  • Captain America: The First Avenger – It’s a great mixture of levity and gravity, and Chris Evans does an excellent job.  It’s a movie worthy of having “The First Avenger” as part of its title.

What would you say is your favorite movie of the year?

Posted in General | Tagged , , , , , | 22 Comments

2011 Listgasm: The Top Ten Worst Christmas Gifts

Posted on Monday, December 26, 2011 by Avitable

I’m going to round out the year with lists, because it’s the one time of year that writers can avoid sentences and formatting and creativity in lieu of bullets. Although I did make this nifty graphic:

The 2011 Listgasm by Adam Heath Avitable

Here’s my list of the top ten worst Christmas gifts for 2011:

  1. Jerry Sandusky Body Pillow For Kids
  2. A donation to the Tea Party in your name
  3. The Casey Anthony Home Child Care Kit, complete with plastic bag and duct tape
  4. Turducken-induced salmonella
  5. Any Angry Birds merchandise that you can’t use to kill asshole pigs
  6. Tickets to go see Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill”
  7. A Playstation 3 with no games
  8. Underwear . . . from Goodwill
  9. Anything made by Ugg
  10. Herpes

This Christmas, I was feeling a bit grinchy, and even contemplated asking my mother to bring back any of the presents she bought for me. I think some people took that to mean that I was being ungrateful, but that wasn’t it. I did call my mother and ask her to refrain from buying any more presents from me, but I stopped short of requesting that she return the gifts she’d already purchased. She did, however, read my post and managed to bring up the fact that I wanted her to return everything no less than ten times, usually in good humor, though.

As it turned out, though, my mother had to return half of what she bought me anyways. You would think that after 34 years, she would know better than to try to buy me clothes, but I think that’s a lesson that no parent ever actually learns. Most of the clothes didn’t fit properly and the ones that did were not my style at all. It was a nice gesture, and I did appreciate the thought.

The best gift I got this year was one I bought for myself. My home away from home, Tijuana Flats, was selling gift cards, with $5.00 free for every $25 spent, so I bought myself $500 worth of gift cards and got an extra $100 in free gift cards. Thanks, me! Now I can eat at Tijuana Flats four times a week for the next four months without spending another penny!

Posted in General | Tagged , , , , | 17 Comments

My Christmas Gift to you: No Testicles!

Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2011 by Avitable

That’s right. Unlike previous holidays, this Christmas I will not assault your senses with a photo in which I decorate my nutsack. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I’ve been too busy to Photoshop anything and everything to do with the holiday spirit. Right.

Instead, I’ll share two videos with you. The first video is the one that I did for this year’s Annual Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert over at Neil’s, and the second is the one I did for last year.

Merry Christmas, Chappy Chanukah, Krazy Kwanzaa, and Wacky Winter Solstice, everyone.

Avitable sings a Christmas song from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

Posted in General, Vlog | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

The Nine Worst Abbreviations and Slang Used Today in Texting, Twitter and Facebook

Posted on Wednesday, December 21, 2011 by Avitable

I understand.  You’re on Twitter and you have something so important to say, but you can’t get it into 140 characters.  Or you’re texting a friend and don’t have enough time to write full words before you crash into the car ahead of you on the Interstate.  Sometimes you have to abbreviate and use slang, but sometimes I just want to punch you in your face.

Adam Avitable turns red when he's angry. Or something.

Here is my non-inclusive list of the nine worst offenders – the nine abbreviations or slang used today on Twitter, in texting, or on Facebook, that drive me absolutely crazy.  In no particular order, along with examples for those of you who have not yet been subject to this nightmare of laziness, convenience, and blatant stupidity . . .

  1. yr/ur.  ”Can I punch you in yr face and murder ur parents?”
  2. u – “Why can’t u just add two additional letters?”
  3. y – “y r u trying 2 sound like a moron?”
  4. enuf – “Haven’t we had enuf bad slang with that Ebonics shit?”
  5. inbox – “I could ask you to inbox me on Facebook instead of asking you to email me but instead I’m going to make a voodoo doll out of you and shred its genitals in my garbage disposal.”
  6. bcoz/bcuz – “I’m stabbing you bcuz you’re better off that way.  We all are.”
  7. sum – “Have you ever had sum person tell you that you should die in a fire?”
  8. Imma – “Imma pray for you to commit suicide via auto-erotic asphyxiation.”
  9. k/kk/kkk – “The meeting is at ten tonight.  Bring your pointy white hood.”  ”KKK. I’ll be there.”

Okay, granted, this is a bit judgy on my part, especially since I’m a complete hypocrite and have used, on separate and distinct occasions when I was completely sober and in my right mind, both “Imma” and “k/kk”.  I berate myself daily for it, but not as much as the fact that I have finally broken down and started using “lol”.

So, in summation, do as I say, not as I do.

Lol.

Posted in Rants | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 80 Comments