Purity

The Avitable Purity Test

Are you pure or are you Avitable?

Have you ever . . .

  1. Subscribed to Playboy?
  2. Subscribed to Penthouse?
  3. Subscribed to Hustler’s Barely Legal?
  4. Seen a gay pornographic movie?
  5. Seen a transsexual pornographic movie and gotten turned on because man, tits are tits?
  6. Seen a bestiality pornographic movie and thought, you know if I was a dog, I bet that other dog would be pretty hot?
  7. Tried to shave your pubic hair into the shape of a letter?
  8. Cut yourself shaving your pubic hair with a rusty electric razor?
  9. Put Ben Gay, Vick’s or Icy Hot on your balls (or someone else’s)?
  10. Sleptwalked naked?
  11. Gotten locked outside naked while sleepwalking and had to climb up a wooden balcony to get back in, resulting in wooden splinters in places where splinters don’t belong?
  12. Streaked, but only because you were trying to make it to the other side of the house before the people you didn’t expect walk in the door?
  13. Killed a frog or a fish?
  14. Killed a koi pond full of fish by pouring gasoline in it?
  15. Stolen anything?
  16. Stolen enough movies from a video store to start your own video store?
  17. Stolen a mailbox and thrown it into a lake only to have it reappear the next morning reburied in the right spot?
  18. Started a website that had adult content?
  19. Started a website that sold naked pictures of celebrities for $2/each before the Internet had photos and before Paypal and made $2,000 in cash in a week, shutting down your school’s server and making you realize that if you had stuck with it, you would have been a trillionaire?
  20. Driven in a car naked at night?
  21. Driven in a car naked during the day?
  22. Driven through a drive-through naked and had a soda poured on you?
  23. Been pulled over by the police for speeding?
  24. Been pulled over by the police for another offense?
  25. Been pulled over by the police while naked driving and then have to cover your crotch with a pair of shorts and hope that the officer didn’t ask you to get out of the car?
  26. Had to listen to your roommate have really bad sex and then cry the next day when she wouldn’t even return his phone call?
  27. Tried to simulate intercourse with a vacuum cleaner hose?
  28. Looked in someone’s window when they were naked?
  29. Gotten caught looking in someone’s window while they were naked and then run away but run backwards and then climb up on a fence so that the cops wouldn’t find the footprints going back to your house?
  30. Taken a photo of yourself naked?
  31. Gotten a photo of yourself naked developed at the local store?
  32. Lost a photo of yourself naked in the parking lot when the wind carried it away?
  33. Almost broken your neck trying to perform oral sex on yourself and you almost did but you only got the tip in for like half a nanosecond?
  34. Hooked up with your friend’s girlfriend when she was drunk?
  35. Hooked up with your younger sister’s friends when they would come to sleep over?
  36. Hooked up with someone who was just using you for free Taco Bell and so she tasted like a seven layer burrito?
  37. Accidentally (or purposely) ejaculated on your own face?
  38. Accidentally ejaculated on a piece of furniture in your home because you coughed while trying to hold it back?
  39. Masturbated more than five times in a week?
  40. Masturbated more than five times in one day?
  41. Masturbated while driving and then actually orgasmed but you’re driving a stick shift so you need both hands, so you have to just let go and clean up later?
  42. Masturbated in public?
  43. Masturbated in a library?
  44. Masturbated at work?
  45. Masturbated while there was someone in the next room?
  46. Masturbated to National Geographic magazine?
  47. Masturbated to a book that did not have pictures?
  48. Masturbated to a cartoon or comic book?
  49. Been caught masturbating but lied and said that you were naked because you spilled soda on your clothes and were bringing them to the laundry?
  50. Accidentally flashed someone who thought that the open bedroom door meant that you were dressed when it just means hey, it’s my house and I’m used to the doors being open?
  51. Purposely flashed someone who really, really, really, didn’t want to see your balls but what could be funnier than that?
  52. Been propositioned by someone of the same sex who was also your mailman and then wouldn’t stop going through your mail and asking you about your post-college options?
  53. Been propositioned by someone of the same sex who was a kept man living across from your dorm and liked to shine a flashlight from his window into your window and then onto his penis?
  54. Received pictures of your name written on naked boobs?
  55. Posted a picture of your balls on the Internet without getting financially compensated and without any promise of financial compensation for such posting at all?
  56. Dressed as someone of the opposite sex?
  57. Decided that dressing up as soomeone of the opposite sex is more comfortable because hello, dresses!
  58. Dreamed of getting your balls waxed just so you can record your face while it’s being done and put it on the Internet?
  59. Done a striptease for a loved one?
  60. Done a striptease completely naked just to win votes in a contest?

20 Responses to Purity

  1. Poppy
    Twitter:
    says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 12:24 am

    I don’t have balls. So… I was never going to do “well” at this. 20% Avitable.

    Reply

  2. Dave2
    Twitter:
    says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 1:08 am

    “You answered “yes” to 11 of 60 questions, making you 81.7% Avitable pure; that is, you are 18.3% Avitable. According to the scoring guide, your avitable experience level is: You’re almost completely Avitable free! Loser.”

    Thank you, God.

    Reply

  3. jester says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 1:36 am

    I am 63.3% Avitable. If there were a few more gay questions, it would be clinched.

    Reply

  4. hello haha narf
    Twitter:
    says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 6:32 am

    scary that i was able to answer as many of these as i could. just imagine if i had balls.

    Reply

  5. rebturtle says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 7:43 am

    “…you are 18.3% Avitable….loser.”

    I’m not sure what is more disturbing: The questions, or what you will do with the data collected from our results.

    Reply

  6. cherrypitcher says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 7:47 am

    hmmm only 10% Avitable .. as my scoring guide said I needs to get more Avitable in me. Guess I need to read more of your older posts!

    Reply

  7. LeSombre
    Twitter:
    says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 8:00 am

    You answered “yes” to 10 of 60 questions, making you 83.3% Avitable pure; that is, you are 16.7% Avitable.
    According to the scoring guide, your avitable experience level is: You’re almost completely Avitable free! Loser.

    Wow, I have balls and scored lower than Poppy.

    ;-)

    Reply

  8. Poppy
    Twitter:
    says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 9:30 am

    @Mikey: Annyong! I guess if you really get technical I do have balls, they’re just not attached to me and I don’t use them for my own diabolical purposes like Adam clearly does.

    Reply

  9. DutchBitch says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 11:09 am

    I am 20% Avitable which for someone without balls nor a penis is a pretty good score, I think Heh…

    Reply

  10. Crystal says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 12:06 pm

    I got 63%. It would have been lower if I had balls.

    Reply

  11. Hilly says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 12:48 pm

    “You answered “yes” to 15 of 60 questions, making you 75.0% Avitable pure; that is, you are 25.0% Avitable.
    According to the scoring guide, your avitable experience level is: You’re almost completely Avitable free! Loser.”

    Yeah, you’d think I’d be more Avitable-esque but nope!

    Reply

  12. Gwen says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 1:58 pm

    Wow, I think that’s the highest I’ve ever scored on a purity test. 90% pure.

    Reply

  13. Mik says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 2:09 pm

    I answered 17 of the questions “Yes”, 28.3% Avitable.

    Reply

  14. chamblee54 says:
    Sunday, December 14, 2008 at Sunday, December 14, 2008 @ 9:18 pm

    I am 26.7% avitable. I did, however, go camping with someone who shaved his pubic hair to look like a Hitler moustache.

    Reply

  15. PocketCT says:
    Monday, December 15, 2008 at Monday, December 15, 2008 @ 4:01 pm

    There’s no Avitable in me. I thought I would do better than 9 checks.

    Reply

  16. Summer says:
    Monday, December 15, 2008 at Monday, December 15, 2008 @ 6:24 pm

    hhhmmm, only 11% Avitable. This test was skewed since us ladies don’t have balls.

    Reply

  17. kaila says:
    Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at Tuesday, December 16, 2008 @ 1:17 pm

    Considering how awful I did on the purity test, this is a little better. I am 60% Avitable Pure – therefore 25% Avitable.

    Thank God I don’t have balls.

    Reply

  18. J... says:
    Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at Tuesday, December 16, 2008 @ 3:11 pm

    20% Avitable. I’m thinking that’s a blessing. :)

    Reply

  19. Robin
    Twitter:
    says:
    Thursday, December 18, 2008 at Thursday, December 18, 2008 @ 3:20 pm

    According to the scoring guide, your avitable experience level is: There’s no Avitable in you. Do you want some?

    :angel:

    Reply

  20. Avitable says:
    Thursday, December 18, 2008 at Thursday, December 18, 2008 @ 11:00 pm

    Poppy, you’ve got a set of brass ones, what are you talking about?

    Dave2, Dave being religious! What a day!

    Jester, wait – there were gay questions?

    Hello, we’re kindred perverts.

    Rebturtle, the questions are all culled from real life.

    CherryPitcher, or just give me a call.

    LeSombre, I have this weird sense of deja vu.

    DB, that is impressive.

    Crystal, 63% Avitable or pure?

    Hilly, I totally thought you’d be more like me!

    Mik, I bet your wife thinks you’re even hotter now!

    Chamblee, that’s awesome!

    PocketCT, you need some Avitable in me. Come on down to Florida.

    Summer, only two questions had balls – just substitute boobs instead!

    Kaila, balls are fun, though!

    J, I don’t think so.

    Robin, you are a saint!

    Reply

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