Dear trick or treaters,

Fuck you.

Thanks to only ten of you showing up at my doorstep last night, I have a bowl full of candy left that I have to eat because there are starving kids in Africa.

And from the ingestion of Hershey's, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats, Almond Joys, and M&Ms, I will get diabetes. Then, because I'm an obstinate man who won't go the doctor, my diabetes will give me gangrene and both of my feet will have to be amputated. And then I'll get a wheelchair but because I don't take care of my toys, the brakes on my wheelchair won't be properly maintained. And one day when I'm trying to wheel myself down a hill, my brakes will fail and I'll fly down the hill comically, dodging traffic until I hit a curb and fly into a pond. And while I'm flailing around in the pond, I'll swallow some water that contains a parasite. And the parasite will make me sick so I have to go to the hospital. And at the hospital, they'll have some intern who is in training look at me instead of a real doctor. And the intern will accidentally switch my chart with someone in the next room who's having a sex change operation. And I'll wake up with breasts and a vagina, but because I didn't take the hormone treatments, a hairy chest, back, and a beard. And then the only job I can get as a footless vagina toting man is at the circus. And the circus will travel through the US and do a show in the middle of nowhere in Kansas. And I will go into a rest stop to use the bathroom but they will forget about me and drive off and leave me. And then I'll have to live the rest of my life in a rest stop in Kanas, footless, hairy, and with a vagina. And it's all your fault. So, fuck you, trick or treaters. Fuck you in your stupid asses.

Love,

Adam

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