Posts Tagged ‘absurdity’

Dear trick or treaters

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

Dear trick or treaters,

Fuck you.

Thanks to only ten of you showing up at my doorstep last night, I have a bowl full of candy left that I have to eat because there are starving kids in Africa.

And from the ingestion of Hershey's, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kats, Almond Joys, and M&Ms, I will get diabetes. Then, because I'm an obstinate man who won't go the doctor, my diabetes will give me gangrene and both of my feet will have to be amputated. And then I'll get a wheelchair but because I don't take care of my toys, the brakes on my wheelchair won't be properly maintained. And one day when I'm trying to wheel myself down a hill, my brakes will fail and I'll fly down the hill comically, dodging traffic until I hit a curb and fly into a pond. And while I'm flailing around in the pond, I'll swallow some water that contains a parasite. And the parasite will make me sick so I have to go to the hospital. And at the hospital, they'll have some intern who is in training look at me instead of a real doctor. And the intern will accidentally switch my chart with someone in the next room who's having a sex change operation. And I'll wake up with breasts and a vagina, but because I didn't take the hormone treatments, a hairy chest, back, and a beard. And then the only job I can get as a footless vagina toting man is at the circus. And the circus will travel through the US and do a show in the middle of nowhere in Kansas. And I will go into a rest stop to use the bathroom but they will forget about me and drive off and leave me. And then I'll have to live the rest of my life in a rest stop in Kanas, footless, hairy, and with a vagina. And it's all your fault. So, fuck you, trick or treaters. Fuck you in your stupid asses.

Love,

Adam

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How to escalate a service request

Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

CUSTOMER SERVICE HUMANOID FLUNKY: "Thank you for calling American Home Shield. How can I help you?"

ME: "My air conditioning has stopped working and I need someone to come out immediately to fix it."

CSHF: "We can put a call out to a service provider and they should contact you to schedule an appointment within four business days."

ME: "But this is an emergency. I need someone to come out within 24 hours."

CSHF: "Unfortunately, sir, we can only send someone out on an emergency call in very specific situations."

ME: "But I have a dog who can't stay home in the heat."

CSHF: "I'm sorry, sir."

ME: "And she's sick."

CSHF: "Sorry."

ME: "With some type of tumor that makes her really hot."

CSHF: "Doesn't count."

ME: "And I have an elderly person who lives here."

CSHF: "Nope."

ME: "She might die of heat stroke because she can't move very much."

CSHF: "Nein."

ME: "She's almost 100 and she weighs 900 pounds."

CSHF: "No."

ME: "And we have a baby!"

CSHF: "Nah."

ME: "With AIDS."

CSHF: "Negatory."

ME: "And another baby."

CSHF: "Nay."

ME: "With cancer."

CSHF: "Nix."

ME: "And we live in a house made of combustible materials."

CSHF: "Nuh-uh."

ME: "And the heat may make our house explode."

CSHF: "Nerf."

ME: "But Michael Jackson just died and it was so sad!"

CSHF: "Heehee shamon unh NO"

ME: "And Jon and Kate broke up!"

CSHF: "OMG REALLY? No."

ME: "But we're black!"

CSHF: "So?"

ME: "And gay."

CSHF: "Noops."

ME: "And we have four sons in Iraq."

CSHF: "Nyet."

ME: "But I'm a big deal on the Internet!"

CSHF: "Oh, well then. Why didn't you say so? Please hold while I schedule you for emergency assistance."