Posts Tagged ‘advice’

Dear Avitable Weekly Column #1

Friday, December 11th, 2009

Last week I solicited advice questions for my new weekly advice column. I chose a few of the questions I received to answer in today's post, my inaugural advice column:

Blondefabulous asked:

Yesterday I blogged about being taken advantage of by my boss, (and not in the good way), and I need a good way to deal with this. She has no kids and no life so she doesn't think twice about working in to the night, but I got a Hot Hunky Hubby, family, and budding roller derby career to attend to! I tried the advice others gave in my comments to no avail. Short of going postal up in this bitch, how do I make her see that I can't do two different jobs at once? Also, how the hell do I get a clone so I can do everything should my boss continue to be obtuse??

Avitable answers: This is a very simple solution. You've obviously made yourself invaluable to her, and now you need to use that to your advantage. Tell her that you need to speak with her in private and then tell her that you're very happy working there. Tell her that you feel like you've been able to contribute to the business in a way that other employees don't. And then let her know that you feel like your responsibilities have reached a level that is no longer commensurate with the income you receive. Say "I would like us to examine my responsibilities and try to reach a solution that will prevent me from burning out, robbing you of a valuable asset, but also compensating me fairly for the work that I've been doing above and beyond my current role at the company."

And if that doesn't work, try the opposite approach. Start spending every waking second with her. Sneak into her house in the morning and make breakfast while she's in the shower. Create a small altar to her at work and include photos that you've stolen from her home. Ask her for a lock of her hair. When she walks by, smell the air really loudly and say "Mmmmmmmm". It won't take more than a week for her to decide that maybe you're spending too much time with her and she'll give you the space you need.

Becky asked:

Just a couple really quick questions.
1) WTF?

and
2) Why does Monday have such a bad rep?

Avitable answers: I'd have to write a treatise to answer your first question properly, invoking theories of chaos theory, fractal geometry and advanced quantum mechanics. All I can do is just give you the short answer: 39.

As for your second question, Monday has a bad reputation because Tuesday and Wednesday kept loaning Monday money for crazy investment idea after crazy investment idea. They were willing to overlook Monday's poor decision making until Friday saw Monday murder Swoosday for ten dollars and bury her under a bridge. After that, nobody wants to deal with Monday ever again. And now our weekends are only two days long instead of three. RIP, Swoosday.

And last, but most certainly not least, Nenette asks:

My deadbeat, unemployed, alcoholic former-BIL (let's call him Gus) recently got himself a dog, because he's lonely, and naturally needs another life to destroy with his stupidity and neglect. Anyway, he named this cute-but-dumb dog in honour of his favourite movie "This is Spinal Tap". Last week, Gus landed himself in the slammer (again!), and we are taking care of this dog. Correction, we WERE taking care of the dog until it jumped the fence and ran away.

Now, I find myself having to make "Have you seen this dog? Answers to the name 'Lick My Love Pump'" posters. And frankly I don't want to. Should I bother or should I let some kind soul turn him in to the Humane Society where he'll get adopted by someone who will give him a better life and a better name?

Avitable answers: Since the Humane Society also euthanizes dogs who don't get adopted quick enough, you risk Lick My Love Pump having his pump run dry before his time is up if you stand idly by. While you can't control Gus or try to teach him animal responsibility, you can lead by example. I suggest adopting Lick My Love Pump into your family and demonstrating how a stable family with little to no prison time (except for that one time that you streaked across that football field) might be a more appropriate setting to raise a cute but dumb dog. And if you don't know if you have room in your heart for a dog, I only have one thing to say: Crank it up to 11.

Do you need advice of the Avitable kind? Is there something you think Dear Abby can't handle? Leave your questions in the comments. If you already asked a question last week, don't worry – I'll still pick some from there too!

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

Tags: , ,
Posted in Avitable Gives Advice | 17 Comments »

If Dear Abby had a set of testicles

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

Way back in March, I helped the ladies of Cosmo. Now I'm focusing my genius and years of experience on the poor saps who write letters to Dear Abby.

STEAMED IN VAN NUYS asks:

For 20 years I have gone to considerable thought and expense to carefully select nice holiday cards to send to a varied client base. I have tried to be considerate and sensitive to any cultural and religious differences.

My Christian friends wanted explicitly religious cards, the Hanukkah cards were not religious enough, and the middle-of-the-road "Season's Greetings" were termed "wishy-washy secular." My own family is a feuding stew of different faiths.

This year? I've had it. I sent Thanksgiving cards with the following quote from Theodore Roosevelt: "Let us remember that as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds."

It bothers me that a simple delivery of good wishes was met with such a resounding show of bad manners and ill will, and I see no point in continuing. My mother says I expect too much of people and that this will backfire. I'm past caring and have no more cheeks left to turn. I agreed to abide by your advice. What say you?

Avitable answers: STEAMED, winter holiday cards are so passe. Try sending cards for Arbor Day, Guy Fawkes Day, or Hitler's birthday, and that way you can connect with your clients and friends without offending any of them.

LOST FOR WORDS asks:

My 8-year-old granddaughter has posed a question that stumped me, and I hope you can help with an answer: Why be neat and well-groomed?

She doesn't care what people think of how she looks. She sees no problem wearing clothes that are torn, etc. I am concerned that by the time she reaches adolescence she won't care how she looks when she leaves the house.

Her hair is extremely curly. It can't be combed or it gets wilder and frizzier, which adds to her unkempt appearance. Her hair may improve as she gets older if she's motivated to spend the extra time.

I am challenged by her question. How can I answer her?

Avitable answers: LOST, you tell her that unless she lives in 1974, nobody wants a huge mondo bush, and she should shave that pussy.

BREADWINNER asks:

I have been seeing a guy, "Casey," for three years. I have two children by another man, and Casey took them on as if they were his. They even call him "Daddy." I'm grateful I have someone who takes such good care of my kids. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

There's just one problem. Casey has a hard time keeping a job. He has had more than a dozen jobs during the last three years. The only income we have is mine, and it's not very much. We struggle quite a bit, and we fight about money. Things would be better if Casey would get a job and keep it, but I can't get him to understand that. Sometimes I feel like he's using me.

I want to stay with Casey, but now and then I also think I'd be better off if I left him. What can I do to make him understand that he needs to keep a job? Or, because I love him, should I stand beside him no matter what?

Avitable answers: BREADWINNER, maybe you should get off his fucking back, okay? Some men just need that freedom to move from job to job, and their self esteem is tied heavily into their identity as "Tattoo Artist" one week and "Discount Tire Salesman" the next.

Try this: next time he comes in and tells you he quit or got fired (but was totally going to quit anyway because they didn't treat him the way that he deserved to be treated) and brings home a giant TV or video game system that he bought with your money, instead of yelling at him about something as stupid as money and paying your bills, give him a big hug and say "You are my beautiful free spirit and I want you to fly free." And then blow him.

BLUSHING IN SAN FRANCISCO asks:

I am an 11-year-old girl who loves going shopping and doing various stuff with my mom. But when we go to the mall or stop for lunch and she hears a song she likes, she'll start singing to it. And if we're standing up, she even dances to it a little.

I have tried telling her to stop because she's embarrassing me, but all she says is, "No one is looking, honey." She also does it at home in front of my friends when I play my iPod. Any suggestions?

Avitable says: BLUSHING, you should be ashamed of yourself. When I was 11, my mother used to walk around the mall with me wearing nothing but pasties and a sequined thong. When she heard songs she liked, she'd find one of my friends, sit him down, and give him a lapdance. Four of my closest friends lost their virginity with my mom. At the same time!

Maybe you should appreciate that your mom likes music, but doesn't like it so much that it makes her lactate or orgasm loudly, because let me tell you, that's way more embarrassing. Gain some fucking perspective.

TRYING IN TEMPE asks:

A year ago, my boss was diagnosed with cancer. She had major surgery and a round of radiation therapy. Last week, her doctor discovered a mass, and after biopsy, she may be going in for more surgery.

I am finding it difficult to show much empathy for my boss. Despite having had the disease she continues to live an unhealthy lifestyle. She still smokes, has a couple of drinks a day and eats a lot of red meat. I don't drink or smoke and I'm a vegetarian, so I can't understand why a person would risk her health by doing these things.

We have received several newsletters at work from our insurance provider on how to prevent cancer, but she hasn't taken any of the advice. Abby, it's not like I have come right out and said, "It's your own fault," but it's frustrating to listen to her problems when she won't try to live a healthy lifestyle. She's generally whiny to begin with, and now she seems to want everyone to feel sorry for her.

Avitable says: TRYING, you are completely right. It's obviously all her fault!

Whether it's her failure to follow the guidelines that might have some benefit for her or maybe just karma from her being a shitty person, she obviously deserves to die from a terminal illness. I'd suggest shaking your head and chuckling at her every time you see her, and maybe sending her a card that says "Roses are red, Violets are blue, I don't have cancer, but you do." Fuck her!

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Avitable Gives Advice | 51 Comments »

We can fix your life

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

"Please, Britt," I beg. "It will only last an hour."

"Not tonight," she says bluntly. "I have a headache and I'm tired and I don't feel like it."

"Fine, maybe I'll just do it with myself or even ask Faiqa if she wants to!"

"Go ahead," she calls my bluff. "You know it's the best when it's with me."

I'm talking, of course, about our weekly radio show. Wednesday nights at 9 PM EST, Britt and I pick a controversial topic and argue about it for an hour. Britt lives in a big old airy-fairy land of Utopia and I'm a realist and a cynic who knows how the world really works. And I'm always right. But the outcome is pretty entertaining, so we keep doing it and will continue to do so until it's no longer fun or a source of amusement.

Since launching the show on July 9th, we've discussed 31 different topics:

  • Bullying a bully
  • Spousal obligations in social situations
  • Sterilization of the mentally retarded
  • Assimilation into American culture
  • Spanking your children
  • Does money improve your life?
  • Micromanagement at work
  • Wisdom vs. Intelligence
  • US promotion of democracy abroad
  • Torture
  • Definition of friendship
  • Arranged marriage
  • Using Facebook to look up old friends
  • Should kids be allowed in public?
  • Internet addiction
  • Safe Haven laws
  • Intelligence restrictions on voting
  • Circumcision
  • Pharmacists' rights to morally oppose a prescription
  • The perspectives of childless couples on friendships
  • Environmentalism
  • Cloning
  • The drinking age
  • Age discrimination
  • Plastic surgery
  • The death penalty
  • Porn
  • Abortion
  • Being open vs. being guarded
  • Using "gay" as a pejorative term

For our 20th show, we changed the format a bit and invited reader participation. Several people submitted their questions, which we discussed, sometimes forcefully, on the air that night. And tonight is part 2!

"Reader Participation II: We Can Fix Your Life" – tonight's show will not be any good unless we actually have participation, so it's all in your hands.

We need your questions. Is there anything you want advice on? Whether it's what type of gift to get for your spouse, how to get away with tax fraud, the best way to cook a steak, or whether or not you should get that next tattoo, your questions are desperately needed. We'll go through all of them (or as many as we can) live on the air and give you both useful (me) and completely useless (Britt) advice!

This show really won't work unless we get at least 20-30 advice questions from people, so take a minute, just for me, and think about something that you need to know. What would you ask Dear Abby? Your priest? Your mom? If you want to be anonymous, that's fine, too!

Email your question(s) to me at my first name (adam) at my last name (avitable) dot com and you shall have my everlasting gratitude. Well, at the very least, gratitude that extends to Wednesday night.

And, of course, don't forget to tune in to see if your question gets chosen!

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Clearly You're Retarded | 22 Comments »

Avitable helps the ladies of Cosmo

Thursday, March 19th, 2009

I'm a problem solver. When people have issues or questions, even ones that they don't know, I feel obligated to step up and help. I'm always right, I'm smarter than they are, and their lives will be better as a result. Tonight, I was alone and bored because there was nobody who unknowingly needed my help. So I decided to turn my superpowers to the forums at the website for Cosmo magazine. Questions are real (click the person's name for the original post in the Cosmo forums) but have been edited for spelling and grammar.

Roch_b asks:

I know there are lots of posts about curly hair but my hair is naturally curly and it's so annoying.

I've heard about not using shampoo and just using conditioner, then scrunching the hair with mousse/gel and letting it dry naturally. That's ok but what if you wash it before work and are in a rush?? You use the hairdryer? It just goes frizzy when I do this.

Also do you then use haispray to set it? I also add water and scrunch throughout the day. Any tips on how to keep your curls on a night out? Thanks.

Avitable answers:

Roch_b, if that is your real name, there is a simple solution to your problems. First, give yourself a full day to get your hair exactly the way you want it. Make sure that each and every hair is in place and looks just as curly and bouncy and cute as you want it. Then take a trip down to your local scientific supply store. Tell them that you are the research assistant to a professor at your local university and ask to inspect their liquid nitrogen containers. Pry the lid off of one of the larger containers, and before the store employees can object, dip your head into the liquid nitrogen. It's usually a good idea to keep it limited to the very top of your head, so if you go all the way to your eyebrows, you may have gone too far.

Keep your head in there for about 30 seconds, and then withdraw. Your curls will now be set in a permanent state of awesome. Go out and party for your night out, knowing that you'll never see a frizzy hair again! Just make sure your head avoids contact with – well, with anything.

Cosmogal10875 asks:

So I was asked to come out in a wedding in June as a maid of honor. I'm coming out with my bf so I have to look good. The dress has tiny straps and I seriously need to work out my arms and see results FAST!!! Do you guys know any exercising I can start doing to tone up my arms and see results by then please help!!!!

Avitable answers:

There are two easy solutions to this question. The first one would be to add a black cape to your outfit. Since black goes with everything, don't worry about the bride. She'll love your initiative and creative flair. Then, paint the flabby parts of your arms black to match the inside of the cape. This will give the optical illusion of your arms being skinny, and everyone will be happy.

The second solution would be to buy some prosthetic arm stumps, attach them while duct taping your own arms behind your back, and just tell the bride that you lost both arms in a horrible threshing accident. She wouldn't dream of kicking you out of the wedding for being a no-armed freak, and everybody will tell you how thin you look.

ItalianBeauty1 asks:

Like every other person I know I absolutley hate pimples but unfortunately for me I get the urge to pick at them thinking that if I do so they will be gone. Well my genius self woke up with a huge zit at the corner of my mouth. LOL. And the BF asked me the same thing you may be thinking. No, it is not herpes I get tested very often. Well hearing him ask me that I got so embarrassed by the pimple that I popped and tore at it as well as ripping off a bunch of skin. Now I have a huge freaking scab and I would like to get rid of it.

Any suggestions???

Avitable answers:

Next time, try a belt sander. And Valtrex.

ChrisC26 asks:

I've always wanted to rock clothes that reveal my back. But my back isn't sexy enough because I have terrible scarring. It's just dots or sunspots and I know its not freckles. It's not a pretty sight, but should I still rock barebacks and tube tops?

Avitable answers:

No. Please, for the love of all that is holy in the world, no. There's nothing worse than someone who thinks that they have some fashion obligation to rock out clothing that should never be in their possession, whether it's the "I'm squeezing a sausage" look when someone wears a tube top four sizes too small, or the "Play connect the dots on my back and nobody wins" looks when someone with bacne and scarring decides to expose their own personal horror to the world. If that's not enough of an answer, please be aware that "rocking" barebacks is illegal in 42 states, and the states in which they are illegal rotate each hour, so at any given moment you could be participating in a felony.

Jammer9 asks:

Does anyone know of a good "homemade" colon cleanser that really works? Thanks much.

Avitable answers:

First, buy a cork. It should be roughly 3 inches in diameter. Lube the cork up and stick it in your rectum until it is lodged in there well. Next, eat fourteen bowls of FiberOne cereal. Follow that with a half cup of Metamucil which has been stirred into 2 cups of castor oil. Eat an entire box of Quaker Oats 100-calorie granola bars, and, finally, drink 1.5 gallons of water. This homemade colon cleanser recipe will mix in your stomach, and if you want to really mix it well, try jumping rope for thirty minutes nonstop. Finally, go into the bathroom, pull out the cork, and let her flow. Hint: You might want to put some newspapers down in your bathroom.

Sunshine399 asks:

OMG I'm as flat as the wall!! ( And please don't tell me its genetic because I know it is. In fact my parents have no butts as well. There has got to be some tricks and things you ladies do that help get a bum. PLEASE help me, is there any advice out there on ways or things i can do to help me gain a BUTT?

Thank you very much I appreciate it.

Avitable answers:

This is an easy one. All you need to do is date Chris Brown and then tell him that your ass is jealous of his relationship with another woman. The resulting beating will swell your butt to previously genetically impossible sizes.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in General | 30 Comments »

Blog Anal. ysis.

Wednesday, December 17th, 2008

According to Wordpress, today is my 1500th post.

Since starting to blog in June 2004, I've written 589,763 words.
I've received 31,223 comments.
My commenters have written 1,105,343 words.

According to Typealyzer, my blog's Myers-Briggs personality type is

ISTP – The Mechanics

The independent and problem-solving type. They are especially attuned to the demands of the moment are masters of responding to challenges that arise spontaneously. They generally prefer to think things out for themselves and often avoid inter-personal conflicts.

The Mechanics enjoy working together with other independent and highly skilled people and often like seek fun and action both in their work and personal life. They enjoy adventure and risk such as in driving race cars or working as policemen and firefighters.

According to the Blog Readability Test, my blog's reading level is:

blog readability test

The Genderanalyzer says:

We think http://www.avitable.com is written by a woman (86%).

My blog is worth:


My blog is worth $121,376.10.
How much is your blog worth?

If my blog was a movie, it would be:

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

I've made friends and enemies, bared my soul and various body parts, and joined a community of millions that, for the most part, celebrate the sharing of ideas and concepts across hundreds of racial, cultural, religious, and gender lines. And I know that I'm richer from the experience. Even if that fucking tool up there thinks I'm a woman.

In other Avita-news:

Tonight (that's Wednesday night for you Cleetuses out there) is a brand new installment of "Clearly, You're Retarded"!

Tonight's episode is entitled: Reader Participation: We Can Fix Your Life. We've been getting questions from readers that we are going to answer live on the air. You can still join in by submitting your question to me via email at adam (at) avitable (dot) com.

Then, just tune in tonight from 9 PM to 10 PM EST on Talkshoe. You can listen live online at Talkshoe.com, or download the Talkshoe application and you can chat and even call in!

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Clearly You're Retarded, General | 37 Comments »

Dear Abby can suck a nut

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

As everybody knows, Britt and I take an hour every Wednesday to debate a topic on the air. It's a fun hour, and things usually get heated as we tear each other to shreds over the other's opinion, and everybody enjoys themselves in the chatroom.

The problem lies with coming up with topics. Most issues that seem like they'd be interesting happen to be ones where we agree, so we can't consider that topic.

So far, we've discussed 19 different topics:

  • Arranged marriage
  • Using Facebook to look up old friends
  • Should kids be allowed in public?
  • Internet addiction
  • Safe Haven laws
  • Intelligence restrictions on voting
  • Circumcision
  • Pharmacists' rights to morally oppose a prescription
  • The perspectives of childless couples on friendships
  • Environmentalism
  • Cloning
  • The drinking age
  • Age discrimination
  • Plastic surgery
  • The death penalty
  • Porn
  • Abortion
  • Being open vs. being guarded
  • Using "gay" as a pejorative term

For our Mondo Super Amazing 20th Show, which will be tomorrow (Wednesday) night at 9 PM EST, we thought that a change of pace might be nice.

Instead of arguing over a topic, we should argue over the best advice to give to people!

Here's where you come in. (Yes, I know. Finally.)

We need your questions. Is there anything you want advice on? Whether it's what type of gift to get for your spouse, how to get away with tax fraud, the best way to cook a steak, or whether or not you should get that next tattoo, your questions are desperately needed. We'll go through all of them (or as many as we can) live on the air and give you both useful (me) and completely useless (Britt) advice!

This show really won't work unless we get at least 20-30 advice questions from people, so take a minute, just for me, and think about something that you need to know. What would you ask Dear Abby? Your priest? Your mom? If you want to be anonymous, that's fine, too!

Email your question(s) to me at my first name (adam) at my last name (avitable) dot com and you shall have my everlasting gratitude. Well, at the very least, gratitude that extends to Wednesday night.

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Clearly You're Retarded | 20 Comments »

The Sound of One Hand Fapping

Thursday, April 10th, 2008

As many of you already know from my treatise on dog fucking, at my heart, I am an educator.

So when my stats showed that someone found my blog by searching Google for "What do I do with my jizz when I'm finished masturbating?" I knew I had to leap into action. Edu-action!

Clearly another misguided soul came to my blog seeking enlightenment, and who was I to deny him?

Well, my young onanist, from my meticulous research (which consisted of thinking really hard, doing one Google search that yielded nothing and one that yielded WAY too much, and reviewing an extensive porn collection), there are five different types of ejaculating moves after a man is done masturbating, and these moves determine what type of masturbator he is.

The five different types of pickle strokers are as follows: drippers, grippers, lickers, sippers, and sprayers.

Drippers: This is arguably the most common method of ejaculation after masturbation. Once the man is finished relishing his hot dog, he immediately finds a venue with which he can release his baby batter. Whether this is a plastic cup, a tissue, a sock, a magazine, a fake vagina, a towel, or even the carpet, the penis is emptied and then put away for the next rainy day.
Pros: Quick and easy.
Cons: Stiff, dried socks and hand towels emit strange odor if not washed quickly.

Grippers: The gripper is a bit more fastidious than the dripper. Once he is done clubbing the dolphin, he uses his hand to create a vise grip under the head of the penis, preventing any leaking of the salty yogurt, and then he moves to a safe location, such as a toilet or bathtub, and releases his orgasm in one grunt.
Pros: Usually cleaner. If emptied in toilet, can flush, then wash hands, and be done.
Cons: Have to make it to bathroom. If you cough or trip, watch out for a cumsplosion.

Lickers: A licker is the least common masturbator, as it requires a combination of flexibility and above-average penis length. The licker is also known as auto-fellatio, and instead of doing the knuckle shuffle, he uses his hands to push his pelvis into his face, where he can suck himself off and swallow the resulting kiddie cocktail.
Pros: Has to be more fun than the other ways. No mess at all.
Cons: People have broken their necks trying this.

Sippers: When it comes to masturbating, the sipper is a bit stranger. They're just as interested in the resulting creme de men as the actual act of playing the skin flute. Once they've ejaculated, they usually hold it in their palm or other container, and devour the sputum in one gulp.
Pros: No clean up. Fun from beginning to end.
Cons: Might ruin your dinner.

Sprayers: These men have usually watched too many porn movies and consider themselves amateur John Holmeses. The wanking is just part of the fun, but it's all a buildup to the whitewater volcano, which he lets fly in multiple streams. It might land on the desk or couch, although typically it's all over his own chest, stomach, legs, and testicles. The more distance one can get, the closer one is, theoretically, to meeting Jenna Jameson and showing her what a real man does.
Pros: It's almost an Olympic sport.
Cons: It can be a bitch to get out of matted hair.

So, my fist fucking friend, there are your options when it comes to releasing the hostages. Choose wisely, and may your penis be unchafed, your stroke be even, and your orgasm magnificent!

Humor Blogs is all about mutual masturbation.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Dirty talk | 70 Comments »

Advice to Blog365

Thursday, January 3rd, 2008

In reading blogs recently, I've come across a group of bloggers who are joining Blog365, a community of people who are committed to blogging every day of the week for a year. And just like during NaNoBloPoMoWriSoHo, some people will make it and some won't. However, as someone who already blogs every day, it's easy and completely possible to blog 365 days a year. Here are some tips:

  1. Come up with a theme for one or two days of the week, so that you don't have to think of something every single day. For example, NYCWD does his Sunday Smorgashbord. Dave does Bullet Sundays, Fab does his radio show post, I do lazy Sundays and a vlog every Saturday, etc. Come up with your own theme. If you decide that every Wednesday, you're going to show a picture of your breasts, that's a good way to keep posting without losing steam!
  2. Learn to draw. As Dave and I both know, some days you can just put up a piece of art and it's worth more words than anything you could possibly type. Of course, his pictures are worth a thousand words. Mine are usually worth about 14.
  3. Don't expect to get tons of comments for every post. If you're posting for yourself, great. If you're posting for comments, that's cool, too, but realize that some days are slower than others, especially Saturdays and Sundays.
  4. Plan ahead! This is an easy thing to do, especially if you have Wordpress or another platform other than Blogger. Do you have a great idea for a post? Rather than post it the same day as an existing post, why not write it and set it for a date in the future? Even if it's just a concept, you can start it as a draft to be finished later.
  5. Take photos of everything! By photographing any occasion, whether it's getting the mail, putting on your pants, pooping, or masturbating to donkey porn, you can always have a photo essay ready to post. And if you can use Photoshop to add funny captions or to add panache to your photos, even better!
  6. Brevity can be the soul of wit. You don't always have to have a lot to say. Sometimes just a pithy remark or simple joke can be a sufficient post.
  7. Use tactics to gain blog fodder. You can ask your readers to ask you questions. You can do a contest, or a poll. You can search other blogs for ideas or topics. You can look for movies to review, or pick a recent TV show that you like. Did you buy something that you think is awesome? Talk about it!
  8. If all else fails, just put words to paper. I've found, that when I'm having a hard time thinking of something to talk about, using bullets to talk about anything is much easier than writing a paragraph or two. Taking a pretend audience and giving them advice is also a good way to fill up a post on a day when you have absolutely nothing else to talk about.

So that's my list. Does anyone else have any additional advice for those who want to blog every day? Do any of you have other things on which you would like my advice, since I am an educated, wise soul? Anyone want to send me boob pictures?

Tags: , ,
Posted in General | 61 Comments »

I'm here to help.

Monday, June 4th, 2007

Dog sex!

Yesterday, someone found my blog by searching Google for the following phrase: "Is it safe to have your dog lick your vagina?" I fear that this poor soul didn't find the answer she was looking for on my site, so I wanted to help her out in case she stops by again. And since I don't know her name, I'm just going to come up with a handy mnemonic to remember it.

So, dear Dog Fucker, the simple answer to the question "Is it safe to have your dog lick your vagina?" is, of course, yes.

The full answer is a bit more complicated than that, Dog Fucker. First of all, let me say that not only is it perfectly safe for your terrier to tongue your twat, but it's healthy! That's right – the saliva of the typical canine contains many anti-bacterial microbes that actually make your vagina cleaner and fresher than any household douching agent. In fact, next time you have a big date where you're expecting Johnny to go clam diving, make sure part of your evening preparation includes letting your labrador lick your labia – Johnny will thank you later!

This brings up the corollary to your question. Now that you know that it's safe for your pooch to pounce on your poon, how do you go about making it happen?

First of all, try some type of sweet spreadable food. Peanut butter works the best, but make sure to only use creamy! With crunchy peanut butter, the strength of your puppy's tongue might force little licked-clean peanuts up where he can't get to them, and then next time Johnny's fucking you in the backseat of his car and pulls out with pieces of peanuts all over his dick, you'll have some serious 'splainin' to do! Also, make sure not to use any food that requires biting. Sticking a small steak in your slit or holding a hot dog with your honey-pot is only going to risk having those sensitive parts chewed by your cuddly canine. Stick with foods that can be eaten by licking, and if you're not sure, test it on your hand, arm, or anus first.

Now that you have the food, it's time to set the mood. Put on some dog-themed music – I would recommend anything by Gnarles Barkley or Snoop Dogg. Then, while naked, with your food applied, approach your dog and face him or her. Give a sharp command of "Go downtown!" and then turn around, remaining on all fours. While it may seem strange, allowing Fido to freshen your funbox from the rear provides a shinier, sassier snatch than if you were to lay on your back and elevate your legs for your canine cooch cleaning.

Remain in that position until Rover has finished relishing your rat trap or until you reach orgasm, whichever comes first. And you're done!

Dog Fucker, I wish you the best in all of your endeavors to have your Doberman devour your dickhole. And next time you need advice, all you have to do is ask! I'm here to help.

Oh, and for those of you who care, here are some of the other euphemisms I couldn't fit in:

letting your bulldog badger your box
having your hound handle your hooha
permitting your puppy to perform on your pussy
having Spot suckle your sweet spot
letting your collie cleanse your cooter
getting a bajingo bath from Benji
getting a doggy douche from your Doberman

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Dirty talk | 74 Comments »

Sage advice

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

Hi there, child. Come sit on Uncle Avitable's lap and let him impart some wisdom to you about love, life, lamps, and other luxuries – some are things he's learned himself, and some are things he's learned from watching others. Don't worry about that bulge in his pants – just plop yourself right on top of that and open your ears:

ALWAYS check to make sure that you're alone in your house before stripping down and walking around naked, especially if you're going out in the backyard. It took you long enough to find a good lawn guy, and you really don't want him to be scared off.

CHEX sounds like "sex" in a loud party, so assuming that the girl with the bowl in her hand is asking if you want sex is a bad idea, especially if she's holding a bowl of Chex Mix. Following her out to the balcony and groping her against her will is a worse idea.

JUST because someone you trust tells you that rubbing Ben Gay on your balls will make you ejaculate across the room doesn't mean you should believe it. If you're stupid enough to believe it and decide to try it, go light on the application of said Ben Gay. Using too much will only cause much burning that will not wash off easily in the shower. And if you're trying to wash it off, don't accidentally touch the head of your penis with the same hand that had the Ben Gay, because that's a very sensitive part of your body.

IF you and your girlfriend are parked in her driveway, and she's giving you a handjob that goes a little crazy and you ejaculate all over the steering wheel, be aware that frantically trying to clean it before it dries will result in you loudly blaring the horn multiple times. Which may bring her parents outside in their robes. And then they'll see all yo' bidness.

"HOW bad can it hurt?" is not a question that you should consider when you are about to be the first of your friends to pee on an electric fence. "Why do I hate my penis?" is the better question.

THE reason that all of those women are smiling at you as you sit on that bench is not because you're hot. It's because your shorts have a big hole in the crotch and there's a chance that part of your nutsack is peeking out.

DON'T assume that the dark thing under your fingernail is chocolate. It might be dirt. Or poop. (Sorry, E-rod)

JUGGLING is something to ease into. Start with rubber balls – don't just jump to the chainsaw part.

EVEN though the hot dogs at the movie theater smell good, remember that some of them have been turning over and over and over for many days. In fact, at night, when they close the theater, they just shut the power down, and they sit there all night long getting cold and moldy. One of these days, if you keep buying them, you will get a bad one. And you will severely regret it.

Tags: ,
Posted in General | 69 Comments »