Hey fuckers. I may be dead soon. According to this important email I received that was accidentally marked as SPAM, I am now aware that I have been targeted by terrorists. I thought I'd deconstruct the email for you as my last act before I am exploded. Or donkey punched. Or however it is that I will be dispatched.
from AL-QUAEDA NETWORKS (deadly.killers@yahoo.de)
See, this is how I knew they were serious – their email is "deadly killers"! And since they're so nonchalantly misspelling Al-Qaeda (or Al-Qaida), I know that they don't even care about proper spelling. That's terrorism right there, peeps.
Attn,
I am very sorry for you, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don't comply. As you can see we are the members of the deadly networks in the world, which is the responsible for the bombing of twin tower’s in America on Sept. 11th and the bombing of London transport services on the July 7th (AL-QUAEDA NETWORKS), I don't have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.
Here's further proof that they mean business. They don't even need to address it to me! They've been paid to kill whomever checks this email address, which means they clearly have hackers working furiously watching my computer and email. I hope they didn't mind that I was doing a Google Image search for "bacon cheeseburger" earlier and found lots of pictures of bacon. Oh, and I went to several porn sites that showed much more than a woman's ankles. And this group was apparently responsible for the bombing of something belonging to the twin towers, but to keep their mystique, they won't even tell me! Twin tower's what? Their shadows? Their blueprints? Their replica in Lego form that you made in your basement?
Someone whom you called your friend told us all about you and how you supporting President George Bush, during the war against our Muslim brothers in Iraq and this person have spent a lot of money in this venture, This person came to us and told me that he wanted you dead and he provided us with your name, picture and other necessary information's we needed about you. So I sent my boys to track you down this including bugging of your phones with satellite tracking devices and they have carried out the necessary investigation we needed for the operation on you, and if you doubt this information am going to give you all the necessary information about you back to you in your next reply so that you can believe me, and my boys are really on you but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is important to you and the one of your family. I called my client back and ask him of your email address which I didn't tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing you this mail my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you.
See? They are monitoring me. I knew it! And somehow they know all about my secretive support of George Bush. I mean, I vocalize my disgust of Bush and subsequent support of Obama, but when I'm home alone, I strip naked, put on my Barbara Bush mask and have sex with my George Bush doll while wiping my ass with the Bill of Rights. How did this guy know that? He must have my whole house under surveillance.
And who's this friend who wants me dead? Oh, never mind. I know.
Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? Since all program has be made and draw to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your Life, $10,000 is all you need to spend in this process you will first of all Pay $7,000 and then I will send a tape to you which I recorded in every discussion I had with the person, who wanted you dead and as soon as you get the Tape, You will pay the remaining balance of $3,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up, while we are doing this, we want to make America, London, Spain, Germany a hell for those that support the President George Bush war against Iraq, our Muslim Country.
Well, here's some good news. All I need to do is pay him some money and he'll send me a tape? Wait a second. He doesn't say anywhere that he's going to let me live, just that if I pay him $10,000, he'll send me a tape of my so-called friend who wants me dead. I'm sure after that, he'll probably just blow me up. Maybe I should write up a little contract to send to him first that will clarify what he's willing to do and avoid doing for the sum of $10,000. Do you think I should remind him that with the exchange rate, $10,000 US is only like 4 Euros?
WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW ,REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD!
I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, INCASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT YOUR TELLING THE SECURITY ABOUT IT BECAUSE A GOOD LOOK IS OUT YOU AT MOMENT.
DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 7PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF ALL DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION. GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY…………….
Deadly Killers, don't yell! I'm already frightened enough. I don't need to feel like you're pressuring me into making this decision. And is that 7 PM Eastern Standard Time? GMT? What about Daylight Savings? And what if I don't have the money? Will you take Monopoly Money? What about an IOU? An autographed copy of The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie?
THANKS,
AL-QUAEDA NETWORKS
No, no. Thank you for giving me a chance to avert this catastrophe and hopefully avoid death!
Well, it was nice knowing everyone. I'll probably be dead by the time you read this!
(Oh, and if you've been wondering about the results from last week's contest, I plan on giving the contest winners on Sunday when I put up the new contest. I think that's the best way to do that from now on.)
