Got this from Karl, and it's 11:00 PM and I haven't written a post for midnight yet, so this is the best you're going to get.

The ABCs of Me

Accent: Is retard an accent? Because whenever I hear my voice, I hear a hint of 'tard.

Breakfast or no breakfast: Unless we make an effort to go out to breakfast, at which time I'll get waffles or pancakes and sausages and gallons of syrup for both, I don't eat breakfast. My wife, however, loves Grape Nuts.

Chore I don’t care for: I'm a firm believer in paying other people to do the things that I don't want to do.

Dog or Cat: I love well-trained dogs, and kittens are cute, but I really want to own a chimpanzee.

Essential Electronics: It's harder to think of any electronic equipment of mine that isn't essential. Except maybe the rectal probe.

Favorite Cologne: I rarely wear cologne, because it usually clashes with the fruity or chocolatey scented body wash I use.

Gold or Silver: Platinum. Unless we're talking about my grillz, in which case diamonds all the way, awww yeah.

Handbag I carry most often: Usually my wife's. Or my other wife's.

Insomnia: I work at my desk until I literally fall asleep, and then stumble to bed. I don't have any problem sleeping.

Job Title: CEO. And my wife's bitch. And my other wife's bitch.

Kids: I like Britt's kids. I probably wouldn't like yours. If I have one, I'd hope I liked it.

Living Arrangements: We're married and in our 30s – we live on our own in our own house.

Most Admirable Trait: Well, I'd say that my extreme cynicism and hatred of 99% of the world's population was admirable, but I think most people would probably focus on my loyalty instead.

Naughtiest Childhood Behavior: Rampant serial masturbation and subsequent ejaculation.

Overnight hospital stays: I've never stayed in a hospital. I broke my thumb when I was young and had some outpatient surgery done to a birthmark on my head, but other than that, I've never been in a hospital for any type of procedure.

Phobias: I'm a bit claustrophobic when I feel like I can't move, but other than that, I'm not scared of very much.

Quote: "Morality is not respectability." – George Bernard Shaw

Reason to smile: I never need a reason. Even though I'm a cynic, I can find a dark humor in everything.

Siblings: They exist.

Time I wake up: 6:30-7:00 AM, almost without fail.

Unusual Talent or Skill: I can read faster than all of you. Yes, even you.

Vegetable I Refuse to Eat: I don't really eat vegetables at all. Meat, bread, potatoes, and chocolate. That's about it.

Worst Habit: I like to punch pregnant women in the face.

X-rays: Not when I wear my foil hat.

Yummy Stuff: Anything with chocolate. Or birthday cake.

Zoo Animal I Like Most: I've always wanted a monkey. Or a tiger. Or a dolphin!