Posts Tagged ‘amazon’

What should you do this summer?

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

With season finales happening left and right and very few worthwhile television series starting this summer, you have three choices when it comes to entertaining yourself until the fall.

Choice #1: Turn off TV. This is a bad idea. You see, the television-watching muscle needs to be exercised regularly and by turning off television for three months, this muscle will atrophy. And when it comes around to the new fall season, your atrophied muscle will mistake crappy television for good television. Before long, instead of enjoying smart entertainment, you'll be wasting time with "Random Dad Trying to Raise Three Lovable Kids", "I Love New York's Gonorrhea", "The Real Housewives of Utica", and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians' Plus Jon From Jon and Kate Plus Eight", thereby contributing to the mental downfall of society at large.

Choice #2: Watch whatever's on. With the exception of a few shows such as Psych, Monk, True Blood, and Ghost Hunters, there is nothing but unadulterated shit on the air over the summer. By subjecting your television muscle to this shit, you'll risk necrosis of your muscle, which will die and fall out through your nose. And then these drippings of television muscle will join together in the sewer, become a giant TV muscle monster that rampages through New York screaming, "SERENITY NOW".

Choice #3: Pick up some television on DVD to keep you occupied. This is the best option by far. You can exercise your television watching muscle with good, high quality television, keeping it in tip-top shape for the fall season. Plus, no rampaging monsters and society remains intelligent! "But, genius wonderful Adam, what should we watch?" I'll tell you:

  • The State: The Complete Series – Back when MTV had something of quality, The State was funny, quirky, dark, and launched the careers of actors like Michael Ian Black (Stella), Thomas Lennon (Reno 911), and Ken Marino (Veronica Mars), to name a few. Their best tag line is a tie between "I'm gonna dip my balls in it!" and "Two-hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding. Ohhhhh yeahhhhh."
  • Pushing Daisies: The Complete Second Season (also available on Blu-ray) – The biggest tragedy of the past season was ABC's blatant fuckery with regards to this fascinating, beautiful show. ABC didn't even air the last three episodes (although they should be airing sometime soon), but now you can watch the episodes all the way through and marvel at the awesomeness.
  • The Middleman: The Complete Series – If you told me that I'd recommend a television series that aired on the ABC Family channel, I'd punch you in your endocrine system. However, this show was chock full of smart writing, great quips, and hilarious characters. The first episode is a bit slow, but get through that and revel in the fun. And mourn the non-renewal. Fuckers at ABC Family. I should punch them in their endocrine system.
  • True Blood: The Complete First Season (HBO Series) (also available on Blu-ray – It's not subtle. It's heavy-handed. It has broad characterization. But it also has a rich world full of publicly outed vampires and a nubile psychic waitress played by the delectable Anna Paquin. Oh, and she's naked.
  • Dollhouse: Season One (also available on Blu-Ray – Now that it's officially been renewed, it's time for you losers who didn't watch it the first time to catch up on the uneven yet brilliant season 1. This includes the unaired episode 13, which is an epilogue that takes place in the far future. Eliza Dushku still has to improve her acting skills, but a well-rounded, highly skilled cast helps bolster her less-than-chameleonic ability. It's no Firefly, but it's still Joss Whedon, which puts it miles above most TV.

Now, thanks to me, you will have a fruitful and healthy summer.


***
In other Avita-news, tonight at 9 PM is another new episode of "Clearly, You're Retarded"!

Tonight's topic: Is forgiveness divine or stupid?

Is it really a good thing to forgive someone who did an unspeakable wrong to you? Why should you speak to someone who hurt you badly ever again? If someone you hate is on fire, would you piss on them to put it out? Why or why not?

If you listen live, you can join everyone in the chatroom where there is usually a lively discussion going on that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. You can create an account at Talkshoe and download the Talkshoe Pro software or just listen as a guest. I recommend downloading the Talkshoe Pro software because even though it still has problems, it seems like the problems are more minimal with it. Hope to see you there!

My conversation with Stephen Hawking

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

As I write this post tonight, Stephen Hawking has been rushed to the hospital and is gravely ill. And unlike last time, when I waited until after death to have a(n imagined) conversation with Caylee Anthony, I thought I should have a conversation with the famous 67-year old physicist before his imminent demise.

Me: Hi Steve-o. Can I call you Steve-o?

SH: I would prefer not.

Me: Stevey?

SH: Mr. Hawking is fine.

Me: Sheesh. You know, for a cripple, you're cranky. Isn't your type supposed to be jolly?

SH: That's fat people you're thinking of, lard ass.

Me: Fine, fine. I'd punch you in the stupid face, but I don't want to catch whatever it is you have. Let's get to the interview. So you wrote "A Wrinkle In Time"?

SH: No, you brain-dead moron. That book was written by Madeleine L'Engle.

Me: "Back to the Future?"

SH: That starred Michael J. Fox, you twit.

Me: "Time after Time?"

SH: That, bearded imbecile, was written and performed by Cyndi Lauper.

Me: So who the fuck are you then?

SH: I am a theoretical physicist who wrote "A Brief History of Time."

Me: Oh. So you know physics and shit?

SH: I definitely know physics and shit. In fact, I've forgotten more about physics in the last three seconds than you'll ever learn in your pathetic inconsequential life.

Me: Can you answer me a question?

SH: Isn't that the point of this infantile interview?

Me: Like, if Superman and Lois Lane fucked, wouldn't his sperm shoot right through her and kill her immediately?

SH: The probability of someone with the powers of the fictional character Superman actually existing are nigh impossible. His very abilities contradict any ability he'd have to interact with humanity on any basis.

Me: Huh?

SH: Sigh. Yes, she would become Swiss cheese.

Me: I thought so!

SH: Do you have any more enlightened, fascinating questions?

Me: Nope! Want to thumb wrestle?

SH: Bring it on, fat boy.


*******

In other Avita-news, Britt is throwing Hilly a housewarming party! As some of you know, Hilly moved across country from California to Florida and now lives about thirty seconds away from Britt, ten minutes away from Faiqa, and twenty minutes away from me. Even though this clearly shows who she loves the most and who she loves the least, I'm still extremely excited that she's here.

Since the blogging world can't all come down to Orlando or fit in Hilly's new house, Britt is hosting a virtual housewarming party over at her blog. Go on over, leave Hilly a housewarming comment, or even use her Amazon.com Wish List to buy her a present!

Avitable's Top 10 Movies of the Aughts

Saturday, April 11th, 2009

I saw this post over at a blog I read, SwanShadow Thinks Out Loud. After reading the lists that two film critics for the San Francisco Chronicle compiled of the best films of this decade so far, he decided to do his own. And I think my taste is wildly disparate from his, so I decided to make my own list of the top 10 movies since 2000.

After a few hours going through the movies that have come out over the last eight and a half years, I narrowed it down to fifty movies. It was so difficult to take those fifty movies and eliminate 80% of them for this list. In the end, I chose movies for what I call their Compulsory Rewatchability. This just means that if it's on TV or HBO or something when I'm flipping through channels, I can't stop watching, and I get sucked into it all over again, no matter how many times it might be on.

So, in no particular order, here's my list.

1. Unbreakable – What can I say about this movie? It blew my mind. I want M. Night Shyamalan to stop making shitty movies and make two more. One called "Broken", and then a final one, "Fixed" and make this into the best superhero trilogy ever.

2. Juno – Very few movies can make me tear up. This one does. It's an absolutely perfect movie. Every line, every scene, every word, every actor.

3. Donnie Darko – Maybe it's an emo movie or pretentious or over-the-top. I just know that when I saw it on HBO on late night, I was transfixed. And I can still watch it over and over again and see things I didn't notice or appreciate the first time.

4. Punch-Drunk Love – I don't know a single woman who loves this movie, but I know several men who do, including myself. Something about it speaks to me.

5. The Sweetest Thing – It's Porky's with women. And absolutely hilarious. Every line hits home and every joke lands squarely. See Jason Bateman post-Teen Wolf 2 but pre-Arrested Development. And Selma Blair. Oh sweet Selma.

6. Sarah Silverman – Jesus is Magic – She's the perfect woman. And this totally counts as a movie because it was out in theaters. I know, because I saw it in a completely empty theaters where I laughed until I cried and almost peed myself. And I laugh that hard every single time I see it.

7. Serenity – Joss Whedon finally gets a theatrical movie that's all his own, and the result is magical. An excellent swan song to a series that should have lasted for 10 years.

8. Casino Royale – Daniel Craig's other film, Layer Cake, was also on my list, but this is superior in the sense that it turns the Bond franchise on its head. Gritty and raw, this is a new Bond for a new generation, and it worked tremendously well. Eva Green was beautiful as Vesper Lynd, and the story was gripping and took some interesting, unexpected turns. Great action and a great film.

9. The Dark Knight – I had most major superhero films on my top 50 list – Spider-man 2, X2, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, and Batman Begins. This one stands out (just eking out Iron Man) as being cinematic as a movie, not just a superhero movie. Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker was unique and disturbing and amazing and something that I relish the opportunity to witness every time I see it.

10. Shaun of the Dead – Comedy, horror, and drama, rolled up into a tasty little movie that is surprisingly densely packed. The best thing to come from the UK since The Office.

(and for a bonus, my number 11 was Clerks II and number 12 was Forgetting Sarah Marshall).

What would be in your top 10 list?

Fun and prizes! Well, prizes at least.

Friday, February 6th, 2009

Today is the birthday of my good friend and proud fellow geek, Heather. She's 37, which means that she will soon be a decrepit gimpy old lady on her deathbed.

In her honor, I have written her a special message:

Scraro acworaaoacworc'c aoacahrcaoro-cwohowowhaoac roworarc rhwo rac rhoohuwhaoahwwhuan rac aoacwo wwanworac ahwh anooohrhraoaoara'c wwhurc.

Clearly, it's in some type of code.

The first person to correctly translate it in the comments wins a $25 Amazon gift card!

Miss Elaine Eous

Wednesday, January 16th, 2008

Bunch of random shit today:

1. The contest

I asked you to guess which ads were real and which were fake. The correct answer is that all of them are, in fact, real. Even the Pakistan Airline one, the spanking one, and the douching one.

The winning votes were, in order of their guess:

1. Zom
2. Dee (http://buddingartist.blogspot.com/)
3. Coal Miner's Granddaughter (http://coalminersgd.blogspot.com/)
4. Linda~
5. Metalmom (http://dontwannahearit.com/)
6. Golfwidow (http://www.golfwidow.net/)
7. This Mom (http://blondechickbloggin.blogspot.com/)
8. Mrs. RW

I found a randomizer website, put in 1 through 8, and the winner chosen by random was:

Heather, aka Coal Miner's Granddaughter!

Congratulations! Heather, you win an original Avitable artwork with the topic of your choice. Just comment and let me know what you want me to draw, or email me directly, and I'll get right on it.

Thanks to everyone for playing!

2. The special day

Tomorrow is the birthday of one of my favorite people in the whole world. I'm talking, of course, about my sister-in-law. It's also the birthday of some drunken gutter slut that I know (and an old lady I know too). I meant to do this like a week ago, but I'm a fucking slacker. If anyone wants to send Britt a birthday card or gift, you can send them to me and I'll give them to her. As everyone probably knows by now, my address is: 605 Birch Blvd, Altamonte Springs, FL 32701.

Also, in one week and two days (on the 26th) is an even more important birthday – mine! My 30th birthday was last year, and it totally sucked due to a death in the family and general business stress, so I'm determined to have a good birthday this year! And I have absolutely no shame in posting my Amazon.com wish list right here for the world to see.

Since my birthday is actually on a Saturday, and nobody reads blogs over the weekend, I have a special birthday post from a very special guest on next Friday, the 25th, instead! Stay tuned for that.

3. The interview

Sybil Law had one of those interview posts, and I decided to go for it. I'm not going to continue it by asking anyone interview questions, unless you have a burning desire to have me ask you deeply personal intimate details of your life. If so, just let me know.

1.) If you were to visit me, say now, when it's 13 degrees out, would you still wear shorts?

When I lived in Saint Louis, during law school, I would wear a coat and hat when it got very cold, but still just wear shorts. I'm not sure why, but if my upper torso is warm, my legs don't get cold. So, my answer is no, I'd be bare-ass naked!

2.) What do you imagine any aliens would be like?

Assuming you're not talking about Mexicans, I imagine that any alien species that might exist would not be an intelligent species, but rather just a creature indigenous to its environment, like a butterfly or a lizard.

3.) What's the difference between soup and gravy? You can eat both with a spoon.

I won't eat either, so it's a moot point.

4.) Describe a perfect night for you:

A perfect night for me would be going out for a nice steak, going to the movies, then coming home and hanging out on the couch before going to bed. Did I mention I'm naked and surrounded by 16-year old girls?

5.) Do you actually watch all the videos you link to on your blog, you sick fucker?!

The dolphin blowjob and snake fucking videos I watched completely and have no problem with them at all. I couldn't make it through more than four seconds of 2girls1cup, and I watched most of 4girlsfingerpaint with my hands over my eyes. I'm not a fan of any scat or vomit fetish porn – skeeves me out big time!

Okay, that's it for now. See you tomorrow for a special birthday tribute post.

Contest

Saturday, September 15th, 2007

Watch for the contest. Here is the direct link.

Update:

If you want to try to come up with a good song, here's the vlog intro all by itself, in WMV format:

Vlog Intro