Posts Tagged ‘apple’

Apple's new product launching today

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

Most people are predicting that Apple's big announcement today will likely be the "iSlate", a tablet that should have an expanded version of the iPhone OS and touchscreen capabilities. Those people are WRONG. My sources tell me that one of the following products will be the one actually unveiled today:

  1. iShirt – made from eco-friendly fibers with wrinkles that can be smoothed with a simple touch of a finger. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  2. iSore – no idea what it does, but it's ugly as hell. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  3. iNinja – this product is essentially invisible, only showing up occasionally to kick you in the face and then disappear again. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  4. iToilet – the seat's touchscreen capabilities allow you to quickly see when the last shit was that you took, what the consistency and fiber content was, and what the last time was that your dog or cat drank from the toilet. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  5. iSkapades – another unknown, but it's very, very gay. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  6. iGun – this aerodynamic, sleek little pistol boasts an impressive hard drive and a state-of-the-art integration system that will incorporate all bullets and guns into one BFG. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.
  7. iBong – the bubbles are more consistent, the air is much smoother, and Apple's quick grocery snack section of
    chips, cookies, and olives deliver everything right to your mouth without requiring any more effort. It also plays music, takes photos, and plays full-length high definition movies that can be purchased on iTunes.

I know whatever the product is, I'm sold. I'll take two of them!

If we always had Twitter

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

(If you're looking for the contest winner, scroll down!)

Twitter, for those of you with your heads lodged firmly up your geriatric keisters, is a microblogging site where people can tell the world what they're doing, reply to other people who are saying what they're doing, and enjoy a global nonstop conversation. It's been around for a little over two years, and there are politicians, corporations, and celebrities using it alongside us common folk.

But what if Twitter had been around for longer than two years?

FBIWaco About to search the Branch Davidians. Can't wait to see the look on @DavidKoresh's stupid face.
9:45 AM Feb 28th, 1993 from web

DavidKoresh @FBIWaco Fuck you, you'll never take us alive. I'm totally unfollowing you!
9:48 AM Feb 28th, 1993 from web in reply to @FBIWaco

Britney Oh my God, y'all! I totally forgot to wear panties today. Sometimes I'm so blonde! /giggles
9:01 PM Dec 4th, 2006 from web

PaparazziPhotog @Britney Just asking idly, but where are you going clubbing tonight and about what time?
9:33 PM Dec 4th, 2006 from web in reply to @Britney

NBrown Totally just had the best sex of my life with @RGoldman. He's so much better than my ex, who had a tiny little dick.
10:24 PM Jun 12th, 1994 from web

OJSimpson @NBrown WTF?!?
10:53 PM Jun 12th, 1994 from web in reply to @NBrown

PReubens Anyone know of a good adult theater in Sarasota? #porn
7:19 PM Jul 26th, 1991 from web

SarasotaPD @PReubens Try the one on the corner of Main and Valencia. The cops never check it.
8:00 PM Jul 26th, 1991 from web in reply to @PReubens

KCobain If I don't get one million followers by tonight I'm totally going to shoot myself in the face.
1:11 PM April 5, 1994 from web

CourtneyHole @KCobain, pfft, whatever, you pussy. You will not.
1:12 PM April 5, 1994 from web in reply to @KCobain

CaptMikeSmith I totally blanked on how to fly the shuttle. Do I press this red button? #Challenger
11:38 AM Jan 28, 1986 from BBS

AstronautRon @CaptMikeSmith N
11:39 AM Jan 28, 1986 from BBS in reply to @CaptMikeSmith

JackieO It's such a nice day today, I'm going to insist we drive with the top down.
8:04 AM Nov 22, 1963 from teletype


In other Avita-news, thanks to the few of you who stopped by on Thursday to wish me a happy 5 year blogging anniversary and enter my contest for a free iPod Touch.

I chose the winner very simply. I used Random.org to generate a random number between 1 and 447. I counted the comments in the order that they were left, which means that a reply comment to comment #1 would not be comment #2. It would be comment #whatever based on when it was left.

Random.org chose 282. And the 282nd comment was . . . me! So I had it choose another one. This time, it chose 7. And the 7th comment was by Bluepaintred, who won the last iPod Touch I gave away, and is thereby ineligible (but I'll give you a free T-shirt, so email me)! So I had it choose another one. The third time was a charm – the number chosen was 328. And the 328th comment on that post is by . . . drumroll please . . . Casey from Moosh in Indy! Now, Casey asked me in her comment to rig this, which now seems totally suspicious, but I'm going to have to chalk this up to her having good Mormon karma that her number was chosen. Congratulations to Casey on winning the iPod Touch! Email me to confirm your win so I can get it ordered and sent out to you.

Thanks to everyone else for entering!

5 Years of Avitable and the World Hasn't Ended Yet.

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

Today's post marks five years of blogging for me. 1,700 posts. 40,000 comments. One million visitors. When I first started blogging, Blog Explosion and Battle of the Blogs were two ways that people found out about new blogs to read. People rented out space on their sidebars for blogs to rent. You had to use Blogrolling to see which blogs were updated, or you could just click through to each blog in your blogroll each day to see if they wrote something new. Everybody still hated Dooce. And most of you weren't around. That first year was when I started reading some of you, although the exact dates are fuzzy.

I consider many people who I've only known online to be my friends. They've proven to be so by being there via email, phone, IM, or just through their comments, and the fact that I haven't met many of them in person in no way detracts from the quality of friend that they are. I've made many friends through my blog, and while not all of them have remained friends, I truly feel enriched through the sense of community that blogging creates, through the comments, the posts, and the feeling of belonging to a group. To something bigger.

Through TequilaCon, ConFab, the upcoming BlogHer, my Halloween parties (don't forget to sign up for the mailing list if you think you might want to come!), and random bloggers' visits to Orlando, I've had the chance to solidify the connections I've made online by seeing the three-dimensional person. The fully-fleshed personality behind the blogging voice. And I relish every opportunity to do so.

In the last six months, it seems like Twitter has been a crutch for lazy bloggers, which has led to less blogging and less commenting. It feels like it's led to shorter attention spans, post ideas boiled down to a tweet, and a transition from a small community to being lost in a huge crowded conversation. Yet, while I see the benefit of Twitter, blogging will always be what keeps me online.

Originally, I wanted to plan something huge for my fifth-year anniversary and have a week-long celebration, but I didn't have the time. So I have to compress all the awesomeness into one post. And what better way to do that than with a contest with an actual prize? This is to thank each and every one of you who took the time to comment, to email, to communicate with me in some way. For each of you who read the words that I write every day. For those of you who understand that this is just one aspect of my personality and of who I am. For anyone who has gotten to know me.

What's the prize?

An 8GB iPod touch!

What's the contest?

It's very simple. All you have to do is leave a comment and tell me one thing that you like about blogging. That's it. Oh, and wish me a happy anniversary of five years blogging!

The contest is open until Saturday, June 20th, at midnight EST. After that point, a random number will be drawn and the comment corresponding to that number will win the iPod Touch.

Good luck!

Top 10 Things Your iPhone Won't Do

Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

Yesterday, after Apple's exciting World Wide Developers Conference (shouldn't it be Developers' Conference? Is it a conference for the developers or comprised of developers or is it both?), the internet was abuzz with news of the latest iPhone, due June 19th, which is of course the coolest piece of hardware since the vibrator.

The newest iPhone, dubbed 3GS (I'm assuming because it was invented by 3 Gay Swedes), has a bevy of new features that were available on other smartphones years ago, including:

  • 3 megapixel camera that finally has autofocus;
  • Video capture;
  • Voice control;
  • Encryption; and
  • Tethering so you can share your internet connection with your computer (although AT&T doesn't allow it).

Every tech blog, every geek, and every Mac whore is blogging about this as you read this. What you won't read, however, are the top 10 things that your iPhone still won't do. And that's where I come in.

inipple2

  1. Lick your nipples. After the iMasturbate app debacle in 2007 when 3,000 women and men were admitted to emergency rooms across the world because their iPhones slipped out of their grip and became lodged within various orifices, Apple has declared a moratorium on all sexually gratifying apps.
  2. Prevent obesity. A focus group done in early 2009 demonstrated that if the iPhone shocked a user if it detected the presence of a calorie and carb-laden food product, rather than encouraging healthy eating, iPhone users would simply "forget" to take their phone with them when going out to restaurants, sitting down at the table, or sneaking chocolate cake at four in the morning.
  3. Fly. The original concept, iJet, was designed to allow the user to hover in the air at a height of four feet off the ground for about three minutes, using newly invented repulsor rays. However, this resulted in the iPhone 3GS being six feet tall and weighing in around 1400 pounds. Plus the camera still sucked so you couldn't even take any good pictures while you were flying.
  4. Send and receive smells. ISniffer was scrapped once Apple realized that 98.9% of all smells sent and received would be farts, armpits, burps, and poopy diapers.
  5. Prescribe medication. While it seemed like a radically progressive concept, this feature that drew blood, analyzed it, and prescribed medication directly to your nearest Walgreens or CVS had a few bugs. First, the cost of replacing the syringe every time was cost-prohibitive. Secondly, the stringent laws against prescriptions in the US had yet to be circumvented. Finally, it resulted in the iPhones becoming vampires, bursting into flames when in the sun and sentiently drinking blood at night, until Apple created iHelsing to destroy all of the surviving infected iPhones.
  6. Prevent fashion mistakes. Apparently, creating an orbital scanner on the front of the phone that will assess your body type, color choices, hair, and accessories, judge you, and provide you with an image of Tim Gunn clucking his tongue disapprovingly at your fashion disaster will result in an increase in suicides among women aged 21-47, and the number of male iPhone users will dwindle to that of the male viewers of a Lifetime movie.
  7. Read your mind. iKreskin was sent back to the drawing board after research found that users who tried the psychic function began suggesting songs to their friends, attempting to make themselves smaller by drawing their fingers together on their stomachs, and drawing a line across their body in an attempt to remove their clothing. This function will be in a later version once programmers can figure out how to make the psychic connection only effective from the user to the iPhone rather than a two-way link.
  8. Keep you from typing like a moron. For reasons unbeknownst to me, Apple has decided to let people look like idiots by substituting numbers for words and by typing things like "LOL", "ur", "wut", and "LMAO".
  9. Stop your kids from misbehaving. iTaser, iLeash, iGag, and iParent were all scrapped at the drawing board once Apple realized that spoiled rotten little shithead kids will be the first ones to get brand new iPhones, iPods, and iTouches.
  10. Cure pancreatic cancer. When asked for comment on this missing function, Steve Jobs simply stated, "I am optimistic that our brilliant programmers and researches will have this issue ironed out within the next six to eight months."