Tag Archives: avitable interviews

A Year Later: My Interview with Anastacia Campbell

It’s been one year since Stacy Campbell left us. Her sense of humor was as legendary as her eye for beauty, and the world hasn’t been the same without her. She was sarcastic, dark, absurd, brilliant, and compassionate, and she touched each of us with her words, her photos, or her soul. She was my soul sister, my best friend, and one of the great loves of my life. And here, at the one year anniversary of her death, I knew that it was time to elevate her to the same level as every celebrity I’ve ever fake interviewed by fake interviewing her. She is a celebrity – she was Jürgen Nation. She was Indie Ink. She was Anastacia. She was Stacy Fucking Campbell.

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Me: Hi, Stacy.

SFC: Well, harumph! Never did I ever antici . . . pate that I’d be the subject of one of my bestie’s interviews, but *she says while fanning herself furiously*, I didn’t think it would take THIS GD LONG. There’s only so much waiting a lady can do, sitting idly whilst hemming and hawing until her bearded devil man shows up to ask her a bunch of questions that will, natch, bring about the gnashing of teeth and tearing up of the eye-parts that I imagine occurs regularly when he plies his authorial skills.

Me: I really should have done this a while ago, but I wasn’t ready. Not that you can ever be ready for this. And to be honest, I was mad at you. Hell, Stace, I’m still mad at you.

SFC: Oof, let’s explore that. Are you mad because (A) I stood by my words and did what I said I was going to do and even you, with all your manliness and super powers, couldn’t convince me not to, (B) I forgot to send you the power-of-attorney, resulting in a bevy of vituperative and borderline despicable actions being taken by those whom never meant a lick to me, compared you and my closest besties, or (C) it’s easier than being sad, even though sadness is an emotion we need for that chance to really, truly, indubitably, zoobilee zooily FEEL happiness?

Me: D, All of the above, plus E-Z?

SFC: *checks with judges*. Looks like we’ll allow it, but I counter with this, dearest Addy: Life is a highway (unintentional hat-tip to Tom Cochrane) with people getting on and getting off, and all of us just scurrying around (like rats because it’s a rat race – METAPHORS!) waiting for our exit, and maybe you’re mostly mad (which is like being mostly dead, but without Miracle Max running around yelling Humperdink) because my exit came up before yours. Huh? What do you say? You can’t argue with my logic?

*drops mic* *dances a little, realizes nobody’s dancing with her, asks Steph why nobody will dance with her*

Me: Maybe a little. But I’m also mad that you had all of us, and you didn’t come to us. You had Stephanie, Tom, Krystyna, Tia, Racheal, and me, as well as everyone else – all of the family and friends and people out there – and we would have moved mountains for you. If you’d only asked.

SFC: Oh, my dear Addy, don’t you know how much I knew that? I knew that I could pick up the phone, and you’d be there, shovel in hand, not to move the mountain, mind you, but to help me bury the bodies. That’s how much I knew I could count on you.

Me: Yeah, but instead, we buried you.

SFC: Ooof, she repeats, taking another solid blow. Not nice to try to lay ye ol’ guilt trip on your bestie when she’s already been gone for a year. First of all, I’m like Teflon, baby, and guilt just slides off me like a pair of fried eggs. And secondly . . . well, wait, it’s time for me to ask you questions. Would you say that I was a relatively (compared to gen pop) intelligent and savvy gal with an equally savvy understanding of the world? *bats eyes*

Me: Yes, absolutely. You had a level of understanding that most people don’t even realize is possible, and can’t even try to aspire to reach. You were someone who just knew when to be there for someone, and what to say to make their lives better. It’s why you were my beautiful soul sister, and meant just as much to so many others as you did to me.

SFC: A simple yes would be sufficient. Flattery is unnecessary! Next question – was I someone with no brain waves, an individual under the age of consent, or a non-human (none of whom can give consent anyway), or was I a fully (relatively so) functioning adult?

Me: Sigh.

SFC: NO SIGHING IN BASEBALL, ADS! Answer me. Yes or no – was I an adult?

Me: Yes. You were an adult.

SFC: So, if it pleases the court (even though it appears the judge is not wearing pants YET AGAIN), would you in fact say that my choices were mine as a functioning, intelligent adult, and that your anger is less about me, and more about you? That you, in frustration of your lack of control, have decided to be mad because that’s something you can understand?

*picks up mic, drops it again*

Me: Fucker. I’m used to being the one who’s always right, you know.

SFC: Ha! I say again, HA! You, like every other of us who is trying to sort through life, make mistakes. Our flaws are us. They’re why you’re as beautiful as you are hairy (and won’t you reconsider letting me give you the name of a nice laser removal gent?) and why I love you so. I know you’re mad. But cut that out, starting now. This was my exit. Don’t go away mad, just don’t go away (apologies to the auteur Vince Neil).

Me: I’m still here. Always and forever. Even if we only got to have one true adventure.

SFC: But it was an adventure for the fucking record books! Thrusting trepidation to the side, trespassing while traversing the tangled theme park (alliteration totally INTENDED). And we had so many more planned – the catacombs, ghost hunting, a commune and life together with the most creative and wonderful people in the world, Australia, the world, just me and my bestie.

Me: I miss you, Stacy. So terribly.

SFC: Quit it. You had me! You got me on a level that almost nobody did. And you have memories and pictures and the Story of Us, and that will never change. But missing people is what sad people do. Don’t miss me – go make more memories with people like me. People who inspire you, who believe in you, who know who you truly are (even if you keep sticking to that tall tale of you being the meanest Becky on the block, I’ll always know the truth, the whole truth, and nuthin but it).

Can I get back to the highway analogy (looks like the judges said yes) and say that when you’re racing that sporty little red Miata with the hot blonde, and she gets off at her exit, you don’t get sad. You find another car to race, a billboard to read, a guy picking his nose to make fun of. You keep driving, and you don’t stop until your GPS says (in a sultry Stacy Bot voice) “Take the next exit”.

Me: And then?

SFC: And that’s when I’ll see you. Drinks are on me.

**********************************************************

Would you potentially be interested in a coffee table book that collects all of my and Stacy’s photos (like the ones below) from our journey through the abandoned Six Flags in New Orleans? Leave your name and email address below to be notified when more information is available:

six_flags_001

six_flags_002

Today’s post was brought to you by this song on repeat:

My interview with Rosa Parks

Sixty years ago today, Rosa Parks’s refusal to give in to the demands of a bus driver and relinquish her seat to a white passenger was a catalyst for a movement towards racial equality, a movement that’s still slowly progressing today. I thought today would be a great time to publish my posthumuous interview with her:

Avitable Interviews Rosa Parks

Me:  White people, amirite?

Rosa Parks:  Indeed. Though I wish it were as simple as education and awareness. 

Me:  You mean to say that liking a post on Facebook and sharing it, plus changing my profile picture, isn’t going to bring an end to systemic racism?

RP:  While that type of awareness can create fruitful conversations that may generate positive results, I think it will take so much more before people of color will be truly equal.

Me:  I think that movements like #BlackLivesMatter have the ability to effect real change if the voices are loud enough and the message is clear enough.

RP:  I would consider it a victory if we could simply educate those who respond with “All lives matter” as to why they’re being ignorant and offensive.

Me:  Here’s how I look at it. My birthday is on January 26th. I’m going to throw a party, and I expect people to bring presents, and I’m going to eat some cake. What if, every time someone wished me “Happy birthday”, someone else said “we all were born and have birthdays, so shouldn’t we all get presents?” And then I’d get mad and be all “But this moment is for me because you can have all the other moments. Right now, we’re here to celebrate the day that I showed up and graced the world with my presence. And now you don’t get any damn cake.” #MyBirthdayMatters

RP:  Hmm. Well, yes, I guess. So many of those defensive bigots don’t understand that the actual message is closer to “Black lives matter too”. Nobody’s arguing that all lives don’t matter. In fact, that is probably one of the stupidest arguments out there. But when you’re seeing black citizens mistreated at the hands of police officers who have little to no accountability, there is nothing more important than the lives of those who are being snuffed out without reason nor consequence.

Me:  And without cake.

RP:  Umm, yes.

Me:  Don’t you think it would be nice if everyone had the maturity and compassion to simply admit that our society, while still amazing, is broken in a few major areas, and that rather than acting defensively or selfishly and instead of remaining ignorant and misinformed, we promised to listen to our fellow human being, treat him or her with love and thoughtfulness, and stand up for the rights of everyone to be treated equally? And then eat birthday cake?

RP:  I do. Even though I’m not a big fan of cake.

Me:  You’re not?

RP:  No. I have a self-diagnosed gluten allergy and avoid sugar because it can make you autistic.

Me:  Wha?

RP:  I’m just playing.

Me:  Who knew you had such a sense of humor?

RP:  Most people saw me as this extremely serious, almost dour woman, but the truth is I was a lot of fun to be around. In fact, here’s a little trivia about that bus ride that I’ve never told anyone.

Me:  Ooh. Let’s hear it!

RP:  I was actually taking the bus to a Syrian refugee’s house because he was a Muslim-born pagan witch doctor who performed abortions when he wasn’t planning terrorist acts, and I was pregnant with a baby from my orgy with a transgendered couple.

Me:  You still playin?

RP:  You know it.

Me:  Let’s have some cake.

RP:  Chocolate?

Me:  Of course!


Have you ever wanted to know what Michael Jackson’s last words were after he died? What about Amy Winehouse? Whitney Houston? Osama bin Laden? Hitler? Reagan? And about 50 more?Read more fake interviews with dead celebrities by buying my book today!

Interviews with Dead Celebrities, a book by Adam Heath Avitable

A web series about blogging? Plus nudity? Who could resist?

Before today’s post, I wanted to wish my Canadian friends a happy Thanksgiving with this graphic I posted on Facebook. Also, if you haven’t had a chance, go read my funny Canadian Thanksgiving Q&A with the queen of fashion and shopping, Loukia!

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving - a graphic for Facebook


And now for the reason we’re here today – to talk about television. I love television. In the right hands, with good writing, good acting, and a powerful creative streak, television can be used to create some of the best entertainment out there. Of course, it can also be used to create unfunny cliched material that is filled with triteness and random coincidence and Ashton Kutcher or Charlie Sheen.

That’s why I’m happy to help a friend promote a project that she’s doing called BlogTHAT. Jessica Bern, writer at BernThis.com and recently divorced single mom living in Los Angeles, is developing BlogTHAT as a web series following a 42-year-old divorced mother of a three-year-old who is trying to find her “new normal”. Along with Deb Anderson and Maria McCann, Jessica has a Kickstarter campaign to raise money to shoot the pilot for a web series that promises to be quite funny.

They set their goal at $4,000 but soon realized that maybe they were a little too conservative in their funding estimates. The fundraising stops in the next eight days, and Jessica et al are hoping to raise additional money to see the pilot come to fruition with the highest quality possible.

Go here to support this worthy project, and depending on your donation, you may even get to have your Twitter handle read out loud in the series, or get a shoutout in the credits! I asked Jessica a few questions about the project as well:

Avitable: BlogTHAT is a web series based loosely around your life and your blog, BernThis.com. If you had to sum up BernThis in one or two words, what would you say?

Bern: Raw, Real

Avitable: Those are the same words I’d use to describe my amateur porn. Also: terrifying and oh god oh god why are you making me watch this? Reading your site, I’d like to say that it’s honest and funny, and those are two of the best things writing can be, in my opinion. If this were a series that you were not starring in but producing, who would you choose to play you (if you could choose anyone from any time or place)? And who do you think a studio would choose for you?

Bern: A studio would choose Jennifer Aniston. I get asked almost daily if anyone has ever told me I looked like her.

Who would I choose? Jennifer as well.  I have come to see how her actions, her facial expressions, etc. are a lot like mine or is it mine are like hers?

Avitable: She probably copied you. And I can see the resemblance! What makes BlogTHAT different from other series focusing on the single mom – what’s that unique hook that will make me watch? Is it nudity? Because, honestly, that got me to watch Spartacus: Blood and Sand for an entire season.

Bern: It’s about blogging, social media and what goes on in those worlds. There are millions of bloggers and pretty much everyone outside of my sisters uses a form of social media almost daily.  This is the first time the main character’s ‘job’ revolves around social media/blogging – oh and then there will of course be nudity…her dog will actually never be seen in anything but his birthday suit.

Avitable: Canine nudity? I’m sold! What are your three favorite TV shows? Who are your three favorite authors? Comedians?

Bern: Three favorite shows:  Dramas; Breaking Bad, Six Feet Under was incredible and NYPD Blue, never missed an episode and I have to be honest with you, I think Dennis Franz is hot.  Comedies:  Arrested Development,  Sex and the City, Curb Your Enthusiasm  Comedians? Brian Regan, Maria Bamford, Kathleen Madigan  all hilarious.

Avitable: I’ve been told that I have Franz’s ass, so you know, if you ever need a long-distance booty call, I’m all yours. Beyond the series, what is your ultimate goal? Mine is to marry Ke$ha.

Bern: Well, I guess marrying Ke$ha is out of the question as I am loathe to steal other fantasies, I mean, goals…cough.  So outside of that, I would be very content to have BlogTHAT be a success either on the web or on network TV, I would just want to “keep telling my stories in any form” as my writing partner Deb Anderson always says.

Avitable: IT’S NOT A FANTASY – *sob* – Is there anything that you find off-limits when you blog? Is there anything that was too sensitive that won’t be making the move to the web series?

Bern: Nothing is too sensitive when it comes to me but when it comes to my kid’s life, I am very careful what I share especially as she gets older.

Avitable: I can understand that. There are days when I think that I’m lucky I don’t have children, as they would be mortified by my every move and it would be immortalized on the Internet.  Do you have an actor to play your child? Can I audition? I’ll say one thing, though – I have to keep the beard and that’s non-negotiable.

Bern: I do have an actress to play my kid. She is the director’s daughter. She not only has talent but she is willing to do anything for her craft including but not limited to 1. shaving her beard and 2. emptying my dishwasher and 3. walking behind me 7 hours a day telling me I look like I’m 27.

Avitable: Well, she’s got three points on me. I hate emptying the dishwasher, too, and I was going to say that you look 25! Is there anything else you’d like to say, about the series, your blog, the Kickstarter campaign, or how sexy I am?

Bern: You are sexy, ice cream should be its own food group and the Kickstarter campaign ends on the 17th so if anyone wants to donate now is the time!

Go support Jessica and her team today!

Do you know what a briet is? I do, thanks to the Chicktionary.

Briet, noun
A diet undertaken by a woman specifically for the purpose of losing weight prior to her wedding. Created by combining the words “bride” and “diet” (not, unfortunately, “brie” and the letter “t”), the very coining of this term underscores just how much pressure is on today’s bride to show up looking like a million bucks at her nuptials (which hopefully carry a price tag somewhere south of that figure). Depending on how invested the bride is in the goal of perfecting her figure for her wedding day, she may begin her briet regimen anywhere from a week to twenty years prior to the blessed event.

excerpt from The CHICKtionary

The Chicktionary, a book by Anna Lefler

The CHICKtionary: From A-Line to Z-Snap, the Words Every Woman Should Know is a book by the funny, talented, beautiful Anna Lefler. It is, as it sounds, an encyclopedic collection of words from pop-culture and eras gone by, all relevant to today’s modern woman. I read it straight through and got some laughs, learned some new terms, and quite possibly grew a vagina. If you have a sense of humor, you should buy this book!

I asked Anna to agree to an interview, and little did she know what she was getting into . . .

Avitable: Would you be surprised if I told you that I knew 98% of the terms in the CHICKtionary?

Lefler: Dude, I’d be surprised if you didn’t know them. You’re plugged in like that.

Avitable: What type of research did you put into its development and creation?

Lefler: I had a total of two months to create the book, including all research and writing, so I had to jump in and immediately start with the definitions that I knew while simultaneously talking with women in different age groups to collect more along the way. The target number of definitions was 450, so I went for a mix of words and phrases that pretty much every woman would be familiar with, plus some old-school retro terms for fun and – very importantly – as many of the latest pop-culture terms I could find.

That being said, I wrote the book strictly for humor value, and when I learned that it had been categorized as “reference,” I just about died. Then I got to thinking that the publisher’s strategy was genius. I mean, it’s easy to be the funny book when you’re shelved between an encyclopedia and the SAT prep guide, right?

Avitable: What is your feeling about the new trend of compounding words, like cheftestant, celebutante, infotainment, or mangina?

Lefler: I LOVE hybrid words. I think they’re fascinating. I was a linguistics major in college (okay, for a while, anyway) and I thought it was interesting the way language would evolve on the spot to fit some new situation. That seems to be happening at an accelerated rate these days and I think it’s very entertaining.

Avitable: What’s the next step for the book? A word of the day calendar? A movie starring Ryan Gosling just standing around saying “Hey girl, do you know what “greige” means?”

Lefler: First of all, count me in for anything involving everyone’s favorite hot baby goose. As for other future plans, I’ve got some upcoming CHICKtionary appearances on the calendar and those are always fun. Aside from CHICKtionary projects, I’m also finishing up a novel and I’m very excited about that.

Avitable: Speaking of movies, if there was ever one made about your life, who would you want to play you? Who would probably end up playing you? Who would you want directing it? Would it be an adult film?

Lefler: The obvious choice to play me would be Lorne Greene, but sadly, he is no longer with us. The next in line is Brangelina (yes, both of them), but I’m guessing the studio will not kick in for all that childcare, so it would likely be a combo of the person who wore the pink Power Ranger suit and the team that directs that insurance lizard. As for it being an adult film, I’m flattered that you think I could do anything remotely grown up.

Avitable: President Obama will likely leave quite a legacy, but I think one part of that should be a word related to him, Michelle, or the administration that would appear in volume 2 of the CHICKtionary. What would that word be and what would it mean?

Lefler: I would nominate the word “crewed.” Michelle won praise for wearing J. Crew clothing early in her husband’s presidency and has continued to look tailored and current over the last four years. I think the word “crewed” could describe anyone who has a sharp, tailored-but-contemporary style that is distinct and easily recognizable, as hers is. For instance, a friend might compliment you by saying that you look “totally crewed, as usual” in a photograph. (Okay, I just re-read that and I’m definitely using that word later today.)

Avitable: Don’t you hate when you say or type a word over and over again and it doesn’t look right anymore? Like rowboat. Rowboat. Rowboat. Rowboat. Rowboat. Rowboat. Rowboat. Isn’t that weird?

Lefler: Yes. That happens to me when I have to address Christmas cards to people I don’t like. I can not STAND Larry and Roberta Rowboat in particular.

Avitable: What would “avitable” mean in your lexicon? What about “lefler?”

Lefler: Avitable, adjective
The indefinable but irrefutable quality of being able to taunt passersby with promises of hard-won boardgame victories and salty snacks while at the same time mesmerizing them with an almost imperceptible sales pitch for a timeshare in Clear Lake, Florida. Example: “I was trying to find Radio Shack and then, out of nowhere, I found myself playing Bananagrams and eating Triscuits with this fellow who was so…avitable. Well, I’m off to Clear Lake!”

Lefler, noun
The row of bristles located near the beater on a vacuum cleaner that serves to filter out big stuff. Example: “There’s your problem. Your lefler is completely shot. No wonder you’ve been sucking up so many Legos. That’s going to run you eighty, maybe ninety bucks.”

Thank you to Anna for participating in this interview, and don’t forget to pick up a copy of The CHICKtionary!

My Interview with Neil Armstrong

Neil Armstrong, astronaut

Name: Neil Armstrong
Born: August 5, 1930
Died: August 25, 2012
Profession(s): American astronaut

Best known for: Neil Armstrong was the first person to walk on the Moon, speaking the immortal words “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”, not as originally reported by The Onion, “HOLY SHIT I’M ON THE FUCKING MOON!”

Fun fake fact: Armstrong sued singer Michael Jackson for claiming that he did the world’s first moonwalk. The case was settled out of court.

***

Avitable: Sir, may I just say that you are a legend, and it’s a pleasure to get to speak with you.
Armstrong: Thank you, but there is no reason to moon over me. I’m not anything special, though. Just an engineer, professor, test pilot, naval officer, and guy who went into space and walked on the Moon. Just your average Joe.

Avitable: That’s it, eh?
Armstrong: Well, after I went to the Moon, I also received the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the Congressional Space Medal of Honor, and the Congressional Gold Medal.

Avitable: The Congressional Space Medal of Honor? That sounds like a fake medal that was just created for astronauts. Did it have chocolate on the inside? Did you also get the Congressional Super Fantastic Medal For Guys Who Went Into Space?
Armstrong: How’d you guess? I got another one too. It was called the Congressional Medal For Old Guys Who Could Kick Your Fat Ass.

Avitable: Message received. Let’s move on. What do you have to say to that small yet vocal group of people who persist in claiming that the moon landing was a hoax?
Armstrong: Well, now that I’m dead, I don’t have to keep the secret anymore. It was a giant Moon hoax.

Avitable: What?!?
Armstrong: Yeah, we didn’t really land on the Moon. America needed one in the win column, so we rigged the whole thing.

Avitable: I don’t believe you.
Armstrong: It was all done on a sound stage and we actually had Stan Winston, the famous special effects artist, do everything. The moon job was his very first job right after he graduated from college.

Avitable: I don’t even know what to say.
Armstrong: It’s not that we couldn’t have gone to the Moon. We might have made it. But it was just easier to fake the whole thing, and make a secret moon trip up there later for Moon colonization.

Avitable: Colonization?
Armstrong: Yeah, it was President Nixon’s idea. He had his limitations, but he saw where the world was going and wanted to make a moon haven for the right people on the Moon.

Avitable: Are you saying that there are people living on the moon right now?
Armstrong: That’s right.

Avitable: Who?
Armstrong: About 10,000 Americans have been transported to The United States of Amoonica over the last 60 years. They have democratic moon elections and a functioning moon government up there, though there’s some moon conflict right now.

Avitable: What’s going on?
Armstrong: Well, this one candidate is getting flack because some of the Amoonicans are claiming he was born on Earth, not the Moon. And the other candidate is being accused of hoarding space bucks and having filed fraudulent moon returns.

Avitable: It’s eerie how much that parallels what’s going on here, too.
Armstrong: It definitely is, and right now the entire Amoonican population is polarized and fighting over petty moon issues instead of trying to work together. Since I was the first person on the Moon during our real, top secret trip there, I’m an honorary Amoonican citizen, but I can’t decide who to vote for, either.

Avitable: Who are the candidates?
Armstrong: Spacerock Moonbama and Moon Romney.

Avitable: Hold on a second. Is there some way you can prove this to me? I think you’re lying.
Armstrong: Yes I can. I’ll show you Amoonica! Look! *points to a corner of the room*

Avitable: Ummm, that’s a diorama made with Playdoh and filled with dolls.
Armstrong: Welcome to the United States of Moon!

Avitable: I thought it was called Amoonica.
Armstrong: You’re ruining everything!

Avitable: I’m thinking that maybe your time on the Moon may have made you a little obsessed with it. 
Armstrong: Moon you, you mooning mothermooner! Moon moon moon moon moony moon.


Did you enjoy this interview? You can buy my book, Interviews with Dead Celebrities, for only $2.99 on Amazon.com. It has 40 interviews that have been published here on Avitable.com over the years, along with 15 new interviews that have never before been seen!

Interviews with Dead Celebrities, a book by Adam Heath Avitable