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Posts Tagged ‘avitable’
What I think today will be like at #BlogHer
Friday, July 24th, 2009Sex Toy Review Reruns
Thursday, July 23rd, 2009For today's post, since I'm currently in Chicago at BlogHer, I thought I'd rerun the three reviews I've done of various sex toys that have been sent to me by Edenfantasys. I've got a new toy that I'll be reviewing once I get back, so stay tuned!
They should call it a blowfun! from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.
Massaging your prostate for fun and profit from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.
A scientific study of the people attending #BlogHer.
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009According to BlogHer, there will be 1,399 people attending the main BlogHer conference this weekend. That's not an astronomical number of people and it's not a infinitesimal number of people. It's a solid showing of bloggers who are getting together to learn about each other, drink until they're stupid, and create this community that makes blogging so much fun. But who are these people going? I got my hands on a top secret demographic breakdown of the attendees and even though I was sworn to secrecy, I'm sharing it here, just for you.
Out of 1399 attendees:
148 attendees will be… mothers who have recently given birth and will be breast feeding their babies all weekend long, even if it is weird and squicky. 23 of these mothers will walk around with wet spots on their chests that I will be unable to avoid staring at.
277 attendees will be… lesbians. 3 of them will turn straight after meeting me. 2 of them will turn gay again after talking with me for more than ten minutes.
44 attendees will be… men. 15 men will be non-bloggers, there with their spouses. 8 men will be there to get laid. 3 men are there just to give any woman who asks a pearl necklace. 12 men are bloggers who are there to meet more bloggers. 5 men are gay men who are on the prowl for new fag hags. 1 man is me.
319 attendees will be… hard-core fundamentalist Christian Republicans. They'll cluck disapprovingly at the women around them and go to bed every night at 9:30, clutching their Sarah Palin dolls, to pray for the souls of everyone there. 10 of them will sneak out of their rooms and go down to the hotel bar to find random lonely men to fuck. Another 12 of them will take this weekend to experience sapphic delight with their roommate.
700 attendees will be… mommybloggers, some of whom may already be categorized above. They refer to themselves as variations on "Taylor's Mom" or "Constipated Mommy" and write mainly about their child and how amazing their kid is and how much of a pain their kid is and take photos of how cute their kid is and write about how much they need a drink when their kid is a brat and they get free shit from Graco and Pampers and go to Johnson & Johnson Baby Camp and watch Oprah and the Today Show and write books about parenting and read books about parenting and then their kids will grow up and they'll realize that they have nothing to talk about and no interests other than their children.
378 attendees will be… childfree women, either by choice or due to a medical or physical reason. 10 of them will be militantly childfree, throwing around terms like "breeders" with snark and anger, and you'll know that they secretly want a child of their own but will never admit it. 122 of them love children so much and want one, so when they see the kids at the conference, they'll try to steal them and run home with them. 4 of them will have a sense of humor.
84 attendees will be… infertility bloggers who write every day about their attempts to have children. They'll write about vaginal secretions and internal temperatures and clinical sex and their scientific approach to something that should happen naturally. 59 of them will secretly not want a child (or another child) but are only doing it because they feel pressure from society and/or their husband and family to do so.
987 attendees will be… sarcastic and funny and perverted and have a little bit of a twisted soul. They'll have a good sense of humor and know when it's okay to laugh at themselves.
299 attendees will be… women who look like men because they have facial hair of some sort. 19 of them will have a beard and 3 of them will have chest hair poking out of the top of their outfits. 1 of them will just go along with the flow and pretend that she really is a guy, which will cause her to realize she wants to be a man, and she'll get a sponsor to provide her with sex-change surgery next month.
10 attendees will be… incontinent and will pee themselves completely at some point during the weekend. Nobody will notice, but if someone did, they'd pee themselves in solidarity and say that all the cool people pee their pants.
47 attendees will be… undercover FBI agents looking for terrorists. Instead, they'll get swept up in discussions about homeschooling and breastfeeding in public and will decide to quit their jobs, raise lots of babies, and blog about them.
3 attendees will be… hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins.
2 attendees will be… from the future. They will be there to see if they need to stop BlogHer before it takes over the world in the year 2043.
1 attendee will be… an asshole who has a picture of himself eating ice cream with Hitler on his blog. He'll be sarcastic and smug, but much more reserved than you'd expect. He'll be quiet but friendly, even if he may let his mind wander to what you'd look like naked. And he's unlikely to approach anyone, not because he's better than they are, but because he isn't that much of an extrovert. You can go over to him, though, because he won't bite. Much.
Getting to know Avitable #blogher
Tuesday, July 21st, 2009For those of you who read me and are not going to BlogHer, I apologize in advance. I've written a few posts over the next week that will be a bit more centered around the conference, but hopefully there are a few little tidbits scattered within that will still make it worthwhile to read.
On Wednesday, I will be arriving in Chicago to attend a conference of personal/life bloggers that is 95% women. There will be around 1400 people in attendance, and it's likely that less than 10% of those people will have any idea who I am. This means that there will be a lot of people whose only interaction with me will be a brief hello, leaving no real impression of who I am.
So here's a brief introduction, followed by some information where you can find me at BlogHer if you're so inclined to seek me out.
Avitable is my last name. It is pronounced "Uh-VIT-uh-bull." Here is a video that may be helpful:
My name is Adam Heath Avitable. I am a lawyer who never practiced law. I am a huge movie and TV buff. I'm a computer geek. I like comics. I am not what you would call a "guy's guy". I don't get my hands dirty. I couldn't fix a car if I had to. I get my eyebrows waxed. I love the Gilmore Girls and Sex and the City. I would rather talk on the phone for hours than watch sports. I would rather stab myself in the eye than watch sports, to be honest.
I post on this here blog every day of the week. Most of my posts are humorous, although that may be a subjective opinion on my part. I try to reply to every single comment that I receive, and the 100th comment is just as important to me as the 1st. I'm also on Twitter and Facebook, but I think that Twitter makes lazy bloggers even lazier, and doesn't have the sense of community and togetherness that blogging does.
I have a very dark sense of humor, and I'm quite crude. I post naked pictures of myself, including in a Letter to my Body post that modeled the ones done by so many women through BlogHer last year. If you can't handle sarcasm, a healthy disregard for modern conventions, and infantile humor, you probably don't want to read me. I'm sure there's a nice righteous Christian blog that can help you be a better wife, SAHM to your fourteen children, and Palin 2012 supporter.
If you're coming to BlogHer, I'll be arriving on Wednesday afternoon and staying until late Sunday. If you have my cell phone, you can text me anytime. If you don't have my cell phone and would like the number, please say so in the comments and I'll email you. And if after all of this, you're still interested in meeting me, here are a few places where I know I'll be:
1. Come hear me speak and get free swag! On Saturday, from 10:45 AM until noon, I am co-hosting a panel at BlogHer with two other male bloggers, Jim from Busy Dad Blog and Matthew from ChildsplayX2.
The panel is called: Vaginally challenged bloggers – the men of BlogHer. It's a panel BY men FOR women. We want to talk about your male readers – about our expectations, our interests, and our likes and dislikes when it comes to blogging and the blogs we frequent. Our panel will be moderated by the lovely, sarcastic, sharp tongued Miss Britt, and should prove to be entertaining for any of you who come.
If you're not enticed to come just to hear me, Jim, and Matthew speak and be scolded by Britt, maybe we can bribe you. The first 150 people in the room will get free swag! What other panel can promise that they're going to give you shit just for listening to them? Plus, if we get enough demand, I'll have to get on the table and do a strip tease.
For the attention deficit among you, that's Saturday, from 10:45 AM until 12:00 PM. And if you're still on the fence, here's why you should join me and my two dads instead of going to the other sessions running concurrently (should I mention that I mean this in good-natured fun?):
- TravelBloggers as Boundary-Breaking Evangelists – The only thing that would be more boring than reading a travel blog would be listening to travel bloggers talk about how awesome they are.
- Advanced Social Media, Syndication and Stats – "Social media" is one of the stupidest terms to join common usage. It's media. All media is fucking social.
- Hope and Change in Action – Oh, look, women have changed the world. Amelia Earheart, Rosa Parks and Marie Curie called and said that you should wait until you do something real.
- Blogging as a Homeschooling Tool – Yeah, those kids are going to be fucked up anyways. No point.
- Women of Color and Marketing – Sorry, Kelly, but mine's going to be much cooler.
- Geek Labs: Stats for Word Nerds, Twitter Basics: How and Why, Apache Servers Are Your Friend, .htaccess for Bloggers – C'mon people, read a fucking book or tutorial. And if you can't figure out Twitter with all of the explanations and videos out there, maybe you should just give up on using a computer.
2. Come hear my best friend speak about her vagina! On Friday, from 10:45 AM until noon, Britt will be co-hosting a panel about really personal blogging. It will without a doubt be the funniest, most entertaining panel there, and only losers would go to a different session during that time.
3. Parties – you'll be able to find me at the following shindigs:
- People's Party – Thursday, 8:30-11 PM
- Room 704 Party – Thursday, 10:30 PM – 12 AM
- BlogHer Cocktail Party – Friday, 6:30 – 8:30 PM
- MamaPopRocks – Friday, 10 PM – 12 AM
- BlogHer Cocktail Party – Saturday, 6:30 – 8:30 PM
- Cheeseburgher Party – Saturday, 10 PM – 12 AM
4. Registration Desk – From 7 AM until 10 AM on Friday and Saturday, I will be working at the BlogHer registration desk, helping get you registered for the conference.
5. Wherever Tanis, Casey and Kelly are. These three BlogHer veterans will help me survive the onslaught of estrogen by protecting me with their voluptuous breasts. Or so I hope.
See you at BlogHer!
My interview with Walter Cronkite
Monday, July 20th, 2009Walter Cronkite, one of the most respected journalists of our time, died on Friday night at the age of 92. I spoke with him posthumously on Sunday:
Me: Thank you for speaking with me, Walter.
WC: Young man, it is my pleasure.
Me: I'm very honored that I'm getting the chance to interview you. Since you are a veteran journalist, would you mind if I made this interview a fast-paced, hard hitting affair?
WC: (chuckles) Not at all. Please feel free to fire away.
Me: Oh, chuckle at me, will you, old man? First, here's a softball question. You retired from the CBS Evening News almost thirty years ago. Would you say that broadcast journalism has flourished or floundered after your absence?
WC: The corporatization of television journalism has ruined it. No longer can the people have someone they can trust to deliver unbiased news, and this saddens me greatly.
Me: Now, is it true that Adolf Hitler modeled his mustache after yours?
WC: Where did you hear that?
Me: So you admit that it's true?
WC: (sputters) No! I would like to know what unreliable sources you're using for such spurious accusations.
Me: I read it on a blog somewhere.
WC: Don't get me started about blogging. Blogs are going to be the death of journalism because every mom with a sleeping baby can churn out 500 words of her uneducated opinion and uninformed people will take it as fact.
Me: Plus, bloggers make up random shit like interviews with famous people who have died, too.
WC: Exactly.
Me: Did we just break the fourth wall?
WC: I'm not sure. I know that I just broke wind, though.
Me: Dude, did you eat limburger? Fuuck.
WC: Young man, do not call me "Dude". You can call me "Uncle Walter", "Walter", "Mr. Cronkite", or "Senor Mustache Ride", but that's only if you're under 19, Puerto Rican, and have an ass I can bounce a quarter off of.
Me: Well, now we're getting off track. Let's stick to the interview, fishlips. It is said that the term "anchor" was coined because of your role as a broadcast journalist.
WC: Yes, that's right.
Me: Why'd they come up with anchor? Why a nautical term? Why not "starboard"? Plank? Mast? Poop Deck?
WC: So you would have the gall to suggest that I would call myself a Television Poop Deck Man? Are you addled in the head?
Me: Hey, I'm not the one with Hitler's moustache who's named after a barnacle-encrusted rusty implement designed to stop a ship!
WC: This interview is over.
Me: Wait, one last thing.
WC: (sighs) Fine.
Me: My Canadian brother from another mother, LeSombre, turns another year older today. He told me that you are his biological father.
WC: I am absolutely not!
Me: He swears that you are his father. That you impregnated his mother during an orgy in the early 70s. That you, David Brinkley and Chen Huntley triple-teamed her.
WC: I swear that you have the ethics of an amoral snake-oil salesman.
Me: So you won't wish your illegitimate son a happy birthday?
WC: I most certainly will not! And may you rot in hell! (storms off)
Me: And that's the way it is.
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.
My new favorite iPhone app – Bump #blogher
Sunday, July 19th, 2009Let's say that you're hanging out in your office one day when all of a sudden you spy one of your oldest friends.
After a passionate kiss, you decide to exchange contact information, but you don't have any business cards.
Whatever shall you do? Don't fear, Bump is here for iPhones! Bump is a quick, easy way to share contact information with any other iPhone user with the Bump app installed. It's free, so download it, install it, and you're ready to go.
Step 1: Open Bump and either create your profile or select an existing one. Save your settings and wait for a friend to show up so you can Bump them!
Step 2: When you meet someone to Bump, just open the Bump app on your iPhone:
Step 3: Wait for the app to notify you that it's ready, then Bump with your friend:
Step 4: Confirm the transfer, and now your friend's profile is saved in your Contacts. It's that easy!
If you're going to BlogHer in four days, and you have an iPhone or iPod Touch, I want to Bump you until you're sore. Be ready.
Bollywood Night
Saturday, July 18th, 2009Last night I went over to Faiqa and Tariq's house and had a Bollywood night with Britt & Jared, Hilly, and James & Carolina. We were served real Indian food that was delicious (even if it was toned down for my American palate) and we watched a Bollywood film called "Om Shanti Om". It was a fun night and both educational and entertaining!
Here are the top 5 things I learned about Bollywood movies:
5. The word "fish" is a perfectly good substitute for "fuck".
4. Alternating between Hindi and English is a good way to confuse the hell out of white people.
3. There is no such thing as "too many musical numbers" or "too long of a movie".
2. If you ever get stranded in India, just call everybody "Dude". They'll totally get it.
1. When in doubt, dance your fishin' ass off.
For your viewing pleasure, here's one of the more popular songs from the film. This song is notable because more huge Bollywood stars appeared together to sing and dance than ever before. You might recognize Bhrad Patel, Ghiorgi Kharouni, Rhaboort D'Neerah, Anjuli Shulie, and Sanjya Bhoolik if you look closely.
What Not to Do When Watching Harry Potter
Friday, July 17th, 2009Today, for Movie Friday, I'm taking my employees to go see "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
- Shout "Harry, show me your broomstick" every time Daniel Radcliffe appears on screen.
- Dress like Dumbledore in the traditional wizard way, which means going commando under those magical robes.
- Wave your wand (or iPhone or penis or pencil or whatever) at the screen and scream "Expecto Patronum" to call forth a Patronus to protect you during the scary parts.
- Call Snape "Hans".
- Throw golden balls at other people in the theater and yell "Catch my Golden Snitches, bitches!"
- Pull out your penis (or, if you're a woman, the penis of the man next to you), stroke it, and purr "Good job, Crookshanks".
- Scream in terror every time you see a decrepit old man who looks like a Dementor.
- Ask the screen if the carpet matches the drapes when Ginny Weasley is on screen.
- Put a black sheet on your head, call it the cloak of Invisibility, and then walk into the other sex's bathroom.
- Refuse to let someone sit next to you because you're "saving your seat for Buckbeaks the hippogriff".
- Pour a soda on my head and blame it on Peeves.
- Call your breasts or your balls Fred and George and then make people laugh at them because they're such lovable pranksters.
Follow these few simple rules and enjoy your magical Harry Potter movie experience!
Avitable Love Fest: 20 Things I Want You To Hear
Thursday, July 16th, 2009Thanks to Britt, I have a post for today. Leave it to the self-proclaimed beacon of "light and goodness" to take a meme that's designed to bring out our passive-aggressive nature, wherein we can vent about people by saying mean, cynical and hateful things, and convert it into a huge old love-fest, passing on anonymous warm and fuzzies. It's so sweet that it almost gave me diabetes (well that, and my IV of liquid chocolate cake).
And yet I'm stealing it for myself. Even I like to be nice to people sometimes. To spread a little love and kindness, free of sarcasm and cynical overtones. Plus, I'm tired so it's hard to come up with something else to post. Without further ado:
1. Even with all of your faults, it was because of your example that I had the strength and courage to go through with the lap band surgery.
2. Reconnecting with you after all of these years has proven to be better than I can have imagined. Who knew we had so much in common and we could have been good friends all this time?
3. You're good at what you do, even if I think that you're otherwise a useless human being.
4. You deserve every ounce of the happiness towards which you've already made great strides.
5. You've been there unselfishly for me for more than two decades and I don't know if you're aware of how much I appreciate it.
6. Thank you for making me want to be a better person.
7. Your belief in my ability to succeed has always been unwavering. Thank you.
8. Sunshiny optimism usually annoys me, but you make it work.
9. You give me hope for the youth of America with your work ethic and obvious intelligence, even though you're politically retarded.
10. I'm so glad you ended your old life and started your new life with your new love.
11. You're too smart to be so blind and hateful.
12. My hours and hours of conversation with you and our friendship made me the person I am today, and I'm better as a result.
13. I love how you won't lie to me, even if it might be hurtful.
14. Your innocence and outlook on life is refreshing, even if I try to corrupt it.
15. Both your laughing and your crying are infectious and make everything more enjoyable.
16. I'm so happy that you've started to stand up for yourself. It's a great first step to your happiness.
17. I am so glad that we have become friends.
18. I wish I could do the things you can do.
19. I'm ecstatic that you're happy after those years of heartbreak. You deserve every second of it.
20. I still think of our first date, 27 years ago.
Need a post idea? This is harder than it seems. Give it a shot, and stay tuned tomorrow when I return with my typical vitriolic perspective on life and the sheeple of the world.
MomDot Marketing Fail
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009Thanks to the anonymous blogger with the huge tits for bringing this to my attention.
Here's the front page of MomDot.com as of 11:53 PM EST:
Notice anything interesting? Let's take a closer look:
There are only three possible ways this could have happened:
1. In the interest of capitalizing on the trend to insert feminine words into already existing words, such as BlogHer, herstory, hersterectomy, hersteria, womanhole cover, and womanagement, the marketing genius chose to write "grocHERies" to indicate that shopping for food supplies is obviously something that belongs to women, and this would empower women further.
2. MomDot's advertising designer is a Nicaraguan man named Felipe who has a problem with the concept of the "ce" and "se" sounds, as evidenced by his constant request for women to have "the chex" with him and his worry about being laid off because of the "rechesshion".
3. Someone over there is pretty fucking stupid.
It's sites like this and Shitfully Domestic that make me weep for humanity. Some person or a group of people think that because they've been on the internet for many years and maybe took a class in advertising at some community fucking college that they can run an online business. And since the Internet is filled with sheep, the sites get traffic and the owners get egos and think that they actually do have some type of marketable ability.
But then they do something like MomDot, where they insult independent women by telling them to ask permission to buy a vacuum cleaner or have a misspelling of one of the easiest words in the English language no less than THREE times on their front page. Or in BD's case, they have an editorial policy that prohibits their authors from writing anything that might be critical of husbands, and they expect so much from their editors and writers even if they don't pay them a cent, while the owner makes money hand over fist through advertising. And eventually the world sours on them and realizes that these sites are being run by a bunch of airheaded fucking morons who don't deserve to run their goddamn household, much less any type of online endeavor.
And this is why even though I have many problems with BlogHer having draconian policies, supporting censorship, ignoring a large portion of women bloggers, and being way too conservative for an online community, they stand head and shoulders above the rest with their professionalism, intelligence, and integrity. Now if only they'd redo their fucking website.
Why doesn't the world just listen to me and do what I say? Everyone knows we'd be better off.
***
In other Avita-news, for those of you wondering about "Clearly, You're Retarded", don't worry. The show is still around, but we're just taking a hiatus for the summer. We'll be coming back in the fall with new topics, maybe a tweaked format, and new episodes every week!
