Posts Tagged ‘awards’

My version of the Emmy Awards.

Monday, September 21st, 2009

The Emmys, which aired last night, have been irrelevant for many years. They're voted on by out of touch morons who wouldn't understand good television if it broke into their house and skullfucked them while they watched the new Jay Leno show.

Here are the awards that should be given out instead. It might inject a little excitement into the whole proceedings:

  • Most clever substitution for variations of "fuck" in the dubbing of an R-rated movie on Network TV
  • Outstanding performance by a decrepit actor who used to be good but is really pathetic now
  • Most side boobs and butt shots by series that really wishes it could move to HBO
  • Highest usage of laugh track even though your audience isn't stupid and doesn't need to be told when to laugh
  • Worst use of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" over a montage
  • Highest number of incidents of one character going over to another character's home to talk to them about something minor rather than using the phone
  • "The Chin" award for lamest monologue jokes during a late night variety show
  • Best one-note character who was brought in for a quick joke but became the best thing on their lame show until he was overexposed so much that everybody hated him
  • Highest achievement in writing that one episode that every show does where people switch minds, go back in time, meet doppelgangers, or have an alternate future where someone dies
  • Best show that should have had many, many seasons if most television watchers weren't sheep and could appreciate smart writing
  • Best LOST spin-off that pits random strangers together to solve some mystery but none of the viewers will ever figure it out because it will get canceled halfway through the season.
  • Most degrading stunt in a dating reality show that pits pathetic people against one douchey fuck who are all trying to find true love if by love you mean fame and fortune
  • Best writing for a show containing 20-something fucknuts standing around a bar just talking to each other under the guise of being a reality show that is obviously scripted.
  • Best ploy by a failing show to boost its ratings by either killing a character, marrying two characters, or having guest stars every week
  • Highest achievement in in-show product placement that is so obvious and blatant that it ruins the show
  • Largest ad banner that promotes the network's really shitty shows while obscuring 25% of the screen of the few good shows
  • Most creative attempt to get viewers to watch television live since ending shows two minutes late so the ending isn't recorded by the DVR
  • Best outlandish plot that requires the characters to do ridiculously stupid things that could have all been avoided if people just talked to each other like they do in real life

Now this would be an Emmys that I'd watch!

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Posted in TV and Movies | 59 Comments »

My review of Watchmen

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

On Movie Friday at work, a group of us went and saw "Watchmen". Those of you with even the slightest background in comics know that this movie is based on a graphic novel – one of the most influential of all time. A densely-packed 12-issue maxiseries, "Watchmen" was considered to be unfilmable. Clearly, it's not.

I enjoyed the movie quite a bit. It really felt like the book had come to life. It's hard to think about watching it over and over again, like I can do with Iron Man or The Dark Knight, because it's not a fun movie. It's dark and twisted and depressing and serious and morbid. It's excellently shot and directed, and the actors chosen for most of the parts were absolutely perfect. Zach Snyder did an outstanding job.

I expect the movie to win many awards, including the following:

  • Most Blue Penis Ever Shown on Film
  • Most Uncomfortable Sex Scene to Watch Since The Specialist
  • Best Dark Avenger Raspy Voice
  • Best Use of a Midget Actor Since Willow
  • Random Matt "Max Headroom" Frewer Appearance Award
  • The "Is That Macaulay Culkin as Adrian Veidt?" Award
  • Least Subtle Ejaculation Symbolism, We Get It, It's a Flamethrower
  • Movie That Could Most Benefit From a Giant Telepathic Alien Squid
  • Best One-Word Titled Motion Picture that Rhymes With "Shmwatchmen"
  • Most Likely to have 14,000 Hours of Deleted Footage
  • Top Movie Starring Nixon Since 2008
  • Bring a Catheter Because You're Going to have to Pee Twice Award
  • The Prestigious "Alan Moore Should Grow The Fuck Up" Award

Have you seen it? What did you think?

In other Avita-news, I will be spending all day Saturday and most of Sunday babysitting Britt's rapscallion ruffians while she and Jared go away for a night for their anniversary. Of course, this is what they're telling me. In reality, they're probably leaving for Europe for three weeks.

I'll be staying over at their house and in charge of small children for 36 hours. Wish me luck. Wish them luck. Wish one of us luck!

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Posted in General | 34 Comments »

The importance of voting

Wednesday, January 30th, 2008

No, I'm not talking about the primaries.

I'm talking about the Bloggies!

I'm going to trade in all of this goodwill I have and urge you – nay, demand that you go vote for two well-deserving bloggers.

First, we have Sarcastica. She's 18, she's hot, and she knows it. She's also one of the most adult bloggers I know. Some of her readers could learn a lesson in maturity from her blog and they're decades older than she is. She's very smart with a razor wit, but she also has a huge heart. She works with the developmentally disabled because she wants to help them integrate with society, and she really is that altruistic.

She has been nominated for "Best Teen Weblog" and she needs your vote.

Secondly, we have Puntabulous. He's consistently one of the most creative bloggers I read, and although he doesn't reply to comments (which is one of my blogging pet peeves), he writes very funny geeky stuff. His hetero crush on Natalie Portman, accompanied by photos of him with a life-sized cardboard standup of the actress as Amidala, makes for constant hilarity.

He has been nominated for "Best GLBT Weblog" and he needs your vote.

Voting only takes a few minutes. Just go to the site, scroll down, vote on any other categories as you desire, and then just make sure to select Sarcastica and Puntabulous. Put your email address in, confirm the email you receive in response, and voila! You're done.

If you're looking for other suggestions of who to vote for, all I can say is that you should vote for anyone but Dooce. I mean, seriously, fuck her. She doesn't even allow comments most of the time. No comments = not a blog. It's just a promotional website at this point.

Thanks!

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Posted in Bloggers | 61 Comments »

Miss Elaine Eous

Wednesday, January 16th, 2008

Bunch of random shit today:

1. The contest

I asked you to guess which ads were real and which were fake. The correct answer is that all of them are, in fact, real. Even the Pakistan Airline one, the spanking one, and the douching one.

The winning votes were, in order of their guess:

1. Zom
2. Dee (http://buddingartist.blogspot.com/)
3. Coal Miner's Granddaughter (http://coalminersgd.blogspot.com/)
4. Linda~
5. Metalmom (http://dontwannahearit.com/)
6. Golfwidow (http://www.golfwidow.net/)
7. This Mom (http://blondechickbloggin.blogspot.com/)
8. Mrs. RW

I found a randomizer website, put in 1 through 8, and the winner chosen by random was:

Heather, aka Coal Miner's Granddaughter!

Congratulations! Heather, you win an original Avitable artwork with the topic of your choice. Just comment and let me know what you want me to draw, or email me directly, and I'll get right on it.

Thanks to everyone for playing!

2. The special day

Tomorrow is the birthday of one of my favorite people in the whole world. I'm talking, of course, about my sister-in-law. It's also the birthday of some drunken gutter slut that I know (and an old lady I know too). I meant to do this like a week ago, but I'm a fucking slacker. If anyone wants to send Britt a birthday card or gift, you can send them to me and I'll give them to her. As everyone probably knows by now, my address is: 605 Birch Blvd, Altamonte Springs, FL 32701.

Also, in one week and two days (on the 26th) is an even more important birthday – mine! My 30th birthday was last year, and it totally sucked due to a death in the family and general business stress, so I'm determined to have a good birthday this year! And I have absolutely no shame in posting my Amazon.com wish list right here for the world to see.

Since my birthday is actually on a Saturday, and nobody reads blogs over the weekend, I have a special birthday post from a very special guest on next Friday, the 25th, instead! Stay tuned for that.

3. The interview

Sybil Law had one of those interview posts, and I decided to go for it. I'm not going to continue it by asking anyone interview questions, unless you have a burning desire to have me ask you deeply personal intimate details of your life. If so, just let me know.

1.) If you were to visit me, say now, when it's 13 degrees out, would you still wear shorts?

When I lived in Saint Louis, during law school, I would wear a coat and hat when it got very cold, but still just wear shorts. I'm not sure why, but if my upper torso is warm, my legs don't get cold. So, my answer is no, I'd be bare-ass naked!

2.) What do you imagine any aliens would be like?

Assuming you're not talking about Mexicans, I imagine that any alien species that might exist would not be an intelligent species, but rather just a creature indigenous to its environment, like a butterfly or a lizard.

3.) What's the difference between soup and gravy? You can eat both with a spoon.

I won't eat either, so it's a moot point.

4.) Describe a perfect night for you:

A perfect night for me would be going out for a nice steak, going to the movies, then coming home and hanging out on the couch before going to bed. Did I mention I'm naked and surrounded by 16-year old girls?

5.) Do you actually watch all the videos you link to on your blog, you sick fucker?!

The dolphin blowjob and snake fucking videos I watched completely and have no problem with them at all. I couldn't make it through more than four seconds of 2girls1cup, and I watched most of 4girlsfingerpaint with my hands over my eyes. I'm not a fan of any scat or vomit fetish porn – skeeves me out big time!

Okay, that's it for now. See you tomorrow for a special birthday tribute post.

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Posted in General | 30 Comments »

Pimping for a Vote

Sunday, July 22nd, 2007

Over at I Mei Pensieri, the RFS Blog Awards are going on again. And I have been nominated in several categories. I'd like to encourage you to go over there and vote, and I'll even tell you how I'll be voting:

1) The 2 bloggers who (together) would have the best looking kids:

Miss Britt with Avitable: Clearly with her boobs and curls and my smile, our kids would be fucking awesome.

2) Do you talk about anything else?? Mono-Blogger

Avitable: I'm a bit perplexed about this one, though. Do I really only talk about one subject? Eh, what the hell. An award's an award.

3) Blogger most likely to live in a trailer park:
Miss Ann: Not really, but she's the only blog nominated that I know.

4) Blogger most likely to be arrested:
Mr. Fab: I am nominated for this award, as well, but I'm not likely to be arrested because I'll never get caught. If it was titled "Most Likely to Commit a Crime", I'd be the one to vote for.

5) Blogger with the best boobs:
Miss Britt: No-brainer.

6) Blogger most likely to NOT have any sex toys:
Dave: Unless there's an Elizabeth Hurley blow-up sex doll, I can't see Dave having an Anal Intruder 4000.

7) Blogger most likely to have the most kick-ass house EVER:
Avitable: Well, duh. I'm not likely to have the most kick-ass house. I already have the most kick-ass house. Have you seen my pool?

8) Male blogger who would look the best in a speedo:
RW: I think good ol' RW would look the best in a Speedo. I, however, would look the sexiest. For a gorilla.

9) Blogger you most want to have over for dinner:
Avitable: This is definitely a no-brainer. Britt and Fab and Annie would be fun, but I'd get naked and table dance on demand.

10) Blogger of the month:
NYC Watchdog: His ability to express his feelings and frustrations and fears and sadness makes him a clear winner.

So, go vote!

RFS Blog Awards Nominee

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Posted in Whoring | 19 Comments »

My inspirations

Tuesday, May 1st, 2007

Unlike many people, I am not inspired by important people in history, whether they were statesmen, warriors, politicians, inventors, authors, artists, scientists, or mimes. I understand the impact that many of these people had on our lives, but I can't bring myself to care. All I can think is that if I had been there, I would have done it better.

I am solely inspired by comedians. That's it.

  • Bill Cosby taught me how to tell a story.
  • Steven Wright showed me the right way to do a one liner.
  • Chevy Chase made stupid and clumsy into a type of ballet.
  • John Candy balanced the line between hilarious and frightening.
  • Steve Martin interspersed bittersweet drama with laughs.
  • Sarah Silverman demonstrated that you don't have to have balls to have balls.
  • Dana Carvey created laughs out of life's mundanities.
  • Gallagher used slapstick for insightful political commentary.
  • Mel Brooks broke the fourth wall at all the right times.
  • My mother educated me on using gallows humor to deal with life.
  • The Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrams defined filmic parody as an art form.
  • William M. Gaines said it was okay to be immature as an adult.
  • Jerry Seinfeld exemplifies the idea that money doesn't make you funny.
  • Denis Leary gave me ways to make anger funny.
  • Weird Al Yankovic weaves lyrical tapestries effortlessly.
  • Conan and Andy identified the humor in absurdity.
  • Andrew Dice Clay took profanity so far it became funnier than ever.
  • Trey Parker and Matt Stone understand that smarts and morbid humor aren't mutually exclusive.
  • Ben Edlund threw archetypes into the wind and created genius.

This is just a small list of those who inspire me or have inspired me. Whenever I approach a situation, I think about how one of those guys would have done it, and what would have garnered the most laughs. And I adjust my approach accordingly.

Do you care? Probably not. Do I care that you don't care? Well, I should say fuck no, I don't care, but I can't help it. I'm a whore. I do care!

So, just to keep you around, here is a video of high-speed blowjobs. Make sure to have your sound on, because it's worth it. And unless you're a moron, it should be clear that this is NSFW.

UPDATED:

RFS Blog Awards Winner
I just won two awards in the Really Fucking Stupid Blog Awards:
Blogger most likely to suck dick for money and
Blogger most likely to dress up as the Easter bunny and harrass children and little old ladies! Go me!

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Posted in Serious stuff | 64 Comments »

The truth . . . for once

Saturday, April 21st, 2007

Thank you for watching the video of "50 Things I've Done" and entering the contest to guess the 20 that were false. I'm going to announce the winner, give the scores publicly so that those of you who know me better can be proud of yourselves and the rest of you can be ashamed, and explain all 50 answers. Let's start with that. The first 10 are here, and the remaining 40 are behind the link:

  1. Almost hit Queen Latifah with my car

    TRUE. When I lived in Los Angeles, she and Steve Martin were filming "Bringing Down the House" on the first floor of the building where I worked. I was leaving work and driving down the street, when she and her two bodyguards decided to cross the street without looking. I honked and missed her by about a foot.

  2. Almost hooked up with a woman that ended up being a man

    FALSE. I've never randomly hooked up with anyone that I didn't know very well. I'm not a whore!

  3. Almost majored in Religion in college

    TRUE. While my true major was East Asian Studies, I took enough religion classes that there was a point at which I almost switched my major. I can't even imagine how my life would have been different if I had.

  4. Ate 6 Whoppers in one sitting

    TRUE. And we're not talking about the malted chocolate balls that we all love. Six Burger King Whopper sandwiches demolished at once. When I'm hungry, you'd better watch out. All fingers and hands should stay away from the Great Maw.

  5. Ate a jar of olives in one sitting on a dare

    FALSE. Olives are evil. I won't even eat one.

  6. Ate a thumbtack

    FALSE. I really have no interest in ever pooping something that sharp and pointy.

  7. Ate an entire piece of pizza in one bite

    TRUE. When I was a kid, I played baseball and softball. After a game, we would go to a place called Mr. Gatti's, which was an awesome pizza buffet. At one of these post-game celebrations, I managed to fit an entire slice of pepperoni pizza into my mouth, chew it, and swallow it.

  8. Blew up an unfinished house when I was a teen

    FALSE. We used to vandalize the unfinished houses, and I'm sure I left some DNA evidence all over the walls at some of those places, but I never blew one up.

  9. Came in 2nd in the regional spelling bee when I was only in 6th grade

    TRUE. In 6th grade, I was only 10. I came in second to a 14-year old 8th grader. My dad and I went all the way to the state competition, where I was eliminated on the word "duly". The judge pronounced it "dually" because he had a deep Southern accent. I'll never forgive him – fucking redneck cocksucker.

  10. Caused an orange truck to flip over, spilling tens of thousands of oranges across the interstate

    TRUE. When I was in town for my wedding, I went to the airport to pick up my cousin Julianne. On I-95, right before getting on the ramp for I-4, I got right in front of a truck hauling thousands and thousands of oranges. The driver didn't like how close I was to his front bumper, so he jerked the truck in the lane next to me, and then yanked the wheel back over in front of me. This caused his trailer to sway, which tipped the entire truck over in the breakdown lane. Tens of thousands of oranges spilled all over the interstate. This is enough of a story that I'll save the rest for its own post someday.

    11. (more…)

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Posted in General | 39 Comments »

Moron meet Rodan

Thursday, April 19th, 2007
Thinking Blogger Award

I was awarded a Thinking Blogger Award by Britt, Tracy and Bluepaintred. Thank you to all of you, although you're all fucking crazy. The only thing you should ever think when you read me is "Is he fucking serious?" I mean, yes, it's clear to everyone that I am a genius who has forgotten more than most of you will ever know, and that is a good reason for plenty of awards. Couple that with the fact that even though I may be smarter and better than you, I still treat you like you're a normal person, and I should be up for sainthood. All I need now is to do three miracles, and I can become the Holy Saint of Donkey Fucking or something. However, this blog is all about humor. Life is full of little funnies, and it's our job to find them.

That being said, if I can make you think about things at which you should laugh, I am happy. And I'm happy to pass on this award, as is required, to five additional blogs that make me think. Since this has gone around a bit, some of the old standbys that I might otherwise choose are not on my list. Britt and Amy and Tracy and Dawn and Joefish and Dave and others have been identified as "Thinking Bloggers," and so I won't waste time discussing them at all.

My choices are:

1. Midnight Therapy with Crystal

Crystal Anne is a vlogger. She is witty and funny and gorgeous and insane. She is a being of enlightenment and she is kind enough to share her wisdom with us. One of my favorite more recent posts is all about her moves, although posts about her vagina, punching boys in their boy parts, or her brother's ass are just as entertaining.

2. Miss Misery Smiles

Miss Misery is a sarcastic 17-year old girl in Canada with Multiple Hereditary Exostoses (MHE), which is a disorder of bone growth. This can make life very painful for her, yet she managed to maintain a normal life and work, have a boyfriend, get ready for college, and everything else. While some people would complain and whine and bitch and moan about this, she doesn't. Even at her age, she's more mature than most adult bloggers I read. She makes me realize how great she sounds and how horrible I would have sounded at 17 if I had my personal thoughts and beliefs online. It would not be pretty.

3. Chasing Vincenzo

RW is a 54-year old blogger with the heart and soul of someone born in the 1920s. His blog is a very refreshing take on life and his perspective is one of the most unique that I've seen online. Every one of his posts is a must read. Start with his explanation of the name, move on to his "About Me", and continue from there. If you're not hooked or at least intrigued, you are indeed soulless.

4. The Fifth Column

To be honest, I don't read any of the other contributors here. I only read Schadenfreude's posts. He's funny, sarcastic, erudite, poignant, mean, witty, and manages to be unflinching and reasonable in his observations.

5. The Mistress Lounge

For my last Thinking Blogger Award, I'm going with The Mistress. She's a young professional who really, really loves dick. And she writes about it all the time. She likes sex, talking about sex, having sex, thinking about sex, initiating sex, writing about sex, and sexing sex sex sexity sex sex. And I like reading about it. Makes me think, and makes me think in my pants.

Also, don't forget! Scroll down, watch the 50 things video, and then vote on which 20 things are fake! Win a prize!

UPDATED: After you're done reading the post, entering the contest, masturbating, and leaving a comment, watch this video. It's a digital short from last week's SNL that parodies an episode of the OC, and it's hilarious. Andy Samberg is a genius:

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Posted in Memes and more | 83 Comments »

For those who voted for me

Sunday, April 15th, 2007

If you were awesome enough to vote for me in the Blogger's Choice Awards, you may continue reading this post. If you didn't vote for me, abstained from voting altogether, or are looking for posts about fisting your wife, fuck off. The rest of you can continue to the full post . . .
(more…)

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Posted in Whoring | 47 Comments »

Momma told me not to be a whore

Friday, April 6th, 2007

But I can't help it.

I've been nominated in the Blogger's Choice Awards as the Best Humor Blog (thanks NYCWD). I'm competing with the beautiful and sexy Mr. Fabulous, among others, and he's far ahead of me in the race.

Go vote for me (you'll have to register and shit, but I know you fuckers can do it). Make sure you verify your registration before voting! If you vote, and then register, and then confirm, you still have to go back and vote for it to count.

Everyone who votes for me and then leaves me a comment saying they did will receive an autographed Avitable original drawing! Just ask Denise – she got hers and won the lottery, lost 32 pounds, had mind-blowing sex with a young stud named Raoul, and got a free car! So, owning an autographed Avitable original drawing could just be the very best thing you could ever do for your otherwise mundane existence.

And just to remind you why it is that you love me and want me to be your leader, I will offer up the original dance video from the contest between myself and Mr. Fab. I plan on making another video soon enough, as well.

Here you go:

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Posted in General, Whoring | 81 Comments »