Posts Tagged ‘baby names’

Bring your kid to work and have them watch you get fired!

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

From Detroit news:

FLINT TOWNSHIP, Mich. — A Mid-Michigan woman said she was fired for taking part in Take Your Child to Work Day, but her employer said she ignored company policy.

Now, Qwerda Evans is out of a job and the company is standing by its decision.

"I've always gone above and beyond for this company, and for them to do this after eleven years," said Evans.

When TV5 went to her former place of employment, Check ‘N Go in Flint Township, a sign now advertises an opening for her old job.

Evans said her daughter had been welcomed with open arms three or four times, but the last time wasn’t so welcoming. She received a pink slip. Evans’ 11-year-old daughter, Precious, witnessed the firing on Take Your Child To Work Day . . .

I'm posting this not to talk about the stupidity of a woman bringing her kid without permission to her job as a grocery store cashier. I just wanted to talk about her name.

Qwerda.

How does that conversation go?

"Aww, honey, look at our baby girl. She's beautiful."

"She is. We need a beautiful name to belong to such a beautiful baby."

"Something unique. I know just the thing. I was working at my job, just staring at my keyboard, when it hit me."

"The keyboard?"

"No, a name!"

"Oh. What is it?"

"A name? It's something used to identify a specific person so you don't have to just point at them and say 'Hey, you.'"

"No, what name did you come up with?"

"Ohhhh. Qwerty!"

"…"

"Honey?"

"Qwerty. You want to call our daughter fucking Qwerty?"

"Yeah! It's unique and nobody will ever forget her name!"

"But . . Qwerty? Are you hearing yourself?"

"Yes!"

"You're an idiot, woman. Qwerty is obviously a boy's name! We'll call her Qwerda instead."

"Oh, baby, good idea! I'll go call the kids and tell them the news."

"Okay. Tell Yuiopete and Asdfella that I love them."

Elitist baby names

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

According to SFGate, a self-professed baby name expert (quick aside: how does one become a baby name expert? Can I be one? Does it entail wearing a crown and carrying a scepter and smacking kids in the head with said scepter, saying "I dub thee Veronicus" and shit like that?) came up with the top 50 "elitist baby names". Here they are:

Girls:
1. CHARLOTTE
2. SERAPHINA
3. OLIVIA
4. ELIZABETH
5. LUCY
6. ISLA
7. VIOLET
8. SOPHIA
9. ALICE
10. MAISIE
11. AVA
12. SCARLETT
13. LAURA
14. CAROLINE
15. GRACE
16. CLAIRE
17. LILY
18. AMELIA
19. IMOGEN
20. HARPER
21. ELLA
22. MATILDA
23. STELLA
24. JANE
25. EMMA

Boys
1. HENRY
2. FINN
3. OLIVER
4. JAMES
5. ASHER
6. JACK
7. JASPER
8. MAX
9. KAI
10. ATTICUS
11. LIAM
12. JUDE
13. FELIX
14. OWEN
15. QUINN
16. NOAH
17. MICHAEL
18. MILO
19. SAWYER
20. PHINEAS
21. WILLIAM
22. HARPER
23. LEO
24. AUDEN
25. SILAS

The baby name idiot expert says that "these are the names you choose if you summer in the Hamptons and send your kid to a preschool on Bank Street." This seems like a bunch of bullshit to me. Those aren't elitist baby names. These are elitist baby names, the names that you give your child if you really, truly want them to grow up to be a douchey snooty fuckwad:

1. Millionairia
2. Pubrecht Farnsworth
3. Falconer
4. Harumphella
5. Bentley
6. Goodrich Richgood
7. JR, Jr.
8. Esmeralda
9. The Situation
10. Royale
11. Smythe

That list should not be confused with the list of names you give your child if you really, truly want them to grow up to be a stripper or porn star:

1. Cherry
2. Sapphire
3. Lance
4. Rod
5. Twinkles
6. Smoky
7. Wondercock

And don't forget the list of names you give your child if you want their name to be completely unique:

1. Shitfuck
2. Andronicus
3. XIV
4. Nose
5. President
6. Ninja
7. Tupperware
8. P. Diddy
9. Pie
10. Surface Tension
11. Arbitraria

(All lists compiled by yours truly – Adam Heath Avitable, baby name expert.)

What Not to Name Your Baby

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

A post over at Mental Floss (great site and great magazine, by the way) listed 6 baby names that you probably shouldn't use, including Batman, Eclipse Glasses, and Adolf.

I thought I'd add to this helpful advice for the mother- and father-to-be and list off some more names that you really shouldn't use for your newborn's name.

  • Bruise Punchface
  • Heyyoulittlefucker
  • Phagit
  • Underwear
  • Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
  • Hubert
  • Eunice
  • Fishysmell Tunapants
  • Soup, although Boyardee is perfectly acceptable
  • Lemonjello, Orangejello, or anything else you can get from your pantry (eg Browniemix)
  • Moist
  • iPod
  • Scout
  • Glasgow, Baghdad, or Moscow
  • Flanders

And just in case I just picked all of the names you were just thinking about choosing, here are some names that are not only acceptable, they're kick ass!

  • Optimus Prime
  • Kal El (yes, I know, don't tell me that Nic Cage named his kid that. I'm not a fucking moron.)
  • Killer
  • Thor
  • Deus Ex
  • Max Power
  • Cheetara
  • Einstein

Go forth. Be fruitful. Multiply. And don't come up with a douchey name for your kid, okay?


In other Avita-news, we need your vacation photos! Not just any photos, though. We need specific vacation photos that show you and/or your family standing in front of something. Whether it's Niagara Falls, the world's largest ball of twine, or just some picturesque scenery, we need photos! If you send in a photo of you, with or without your family, standing in front of touristy shit, we will use that photo as part of the decorations for the huge 2009 Halloween Party! Just email me at adam (at) avitable (dot) com with the photo as an attachment, or use the form below. You don't have to be attending to participate, and the more people who submit, the more fun it will be!

Send me your vacation photo below. This is not the form to leave a comment, my delicately retarded friends.

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