Yesterday, someone found my blog by searching Google for the following phrase: "Is it safe to have your dog lick your vagina?" I fear that this poor soul didn't find the answer she was looking for on my site, so I wanted to help her out in case she stops by again. And since I don't know her name, I'm just going to come up with a handy mnemonic to remember it.

So, dear Dog Fucker, the simple answer to the question "Is it safe to have your dog lick your vagina?" is, of course, yes.

The full answer is a bit more complicated than that, Dog Fucker. First of all, let me say that not only is it perfectly safe for your terrier to tongue your twat, but it's healthy! That's right – the saliva of the typical canine contains many anti-bacterial microbes that actually make your vagina cleaner and fresher than any household douching agent. In fact, next time you have a big date where you're expecting Johnny to go clam diving, make sure part of your evening preparation includes letting your labrador lick your labia – Johnny will thank you later!

This brings up the corollary to your question. Now that you know that it's safe for your pooch to pounce on your poon, how do you go about making it happen?

First of all, try some type of sweet spreadable food. Peanut butter works the best, but make sure to only use creamy! With crunchy peanut butter, the strength of your puppy's tongue might force little licked-clean peanuts up where he can't get to them, and then next time Johnny's fucking you in the backseat of his car and pulls out with pieces of peanuts all over his dick, you'll have some serious 'splainin' to do! Also, make sure not to use any food that requires biting. Sticking a small steak in your slit or holding a hot dog with your honey-pot is only going to risk having those sensitive parts chewed by your cuddly canine. Stick with foods that can be eaten by licking, and if you're not sure, test it on your hand, arm, or anus first.

Now that you have the food, it's time to set the mood. Put on some dog-themed music – I would recommend anything by Gnarles Barkley or Snoop Dogg. Then, while naked, with your food applied, approach your dog and face him or her. Give a sharp command of "Go downtown!" and then turn around, remaining on all fours. While it may seem strange, allowing Fido to freshen your funbox from the rear provides a shinier, sassier snatch than if you were to lay on your back and elevate your legs for your canine cooch cleaning.

Remain in that position until Rover has finished relishing your rat trap or until you reach orgasm, whichever comes first. And you're done!

Dog Fucker, I wish you the best in all of your endeavors to have your Doberman devour your dickhole. And next time you need advice, all you have to do is ask! I'm here to help.

Oh, and for those of you who care, here are some of the other euphemisms I couldn't fit in:

letting your bulldog badger your box
having your hound handle your hooha
permitting your puppy to perform on your pussy
having Spot suckle your sweet spot
letting your collie cleanse your cooter
getting a bajingo bath from Benji
getting a doggy douche from your Doberman