Posts Tagged ‘Bloggers’

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My rules of blogging

Friday, September 18th, 2009
  1. I try to reply to every comment I receive, even if it takes me a few days.
  2. The 100th comment is just as important to me as the first.
  3. I have too many blogs in my reader to read every day, but I try.
  4. I don't read blogs written by people who don't read me.
  5. I never say anything online that I wouldn't say live.
  6. I never censor comments unless they are spam.
  7. I comment on your blog when I have something to say, not because you commented on mine.
  8. I will not comment on your blog post via Twitter or Facebook.
  9. I subscribe to comments on every post on which I comment if that function's available.
  10. The sense of community I get from blogging and the subsequent comments that occur is the reason that I do it.
  11. I will post something every day of the week.
  12. Funny trumps all. [stolen from Britt]
  13. I will never be afraid to comment on a new blog because my opinion is just as important or unimportant as the next commenter.
  14. "Commenter" is a fucking word, dammit, no matter what spell-check says.
  15. My blog is mainly a persona – it is one aspect of my personality exaggerated for the purpose of comedy. I do not define myself by my blog and neither should you.
  16. Lurkers frustrate me because I think everyone has something valuable to say at some point and I know that I might be missing out on a good blog because someone doesn't take the time to comment at least once. I try to comment on all the blogs in my reader at least once or twice so that they know that I'm reading.
  17. I stand by my words completely. If I say something wrong, I'll admit it; otherwise, I'll defend what I write.
  18. I don't respect people who comment anonymously (with the exception of my confession post) because if they don't believe in their words enough to identify themselves (even if it's with their blog pseudonym) why should I put any weight in what they have to say?
  19. I dislike Pay Per Post and think that it cheapens blogging. I understand why it exists, but I just don't like it.
  20. It's just as important to support a blogger when he or she is happy as when he or she is sad.
  21. A blogger can become a friend just as easily as someone close to you geographically.
  22. I use proper spelling and grammar because I care about what I'm writing.
  23. If I become more worried about my stats than what I write, I will stop blogging.
Halloween note time!

The raffle is still open, for one more week. We need to sell 60 tickets (at $7 each) before someone can win a free plane ticket to come to Orlando for the party! Even if you aren't going to come, you can buy a ticket and sponsor someone, or maybe you'll win a free T-shirt! You know you have $7 just burning a hole in your Paypal account that you want to use. It's calling out to you. "Spend meeee," it says, "Raffffleeee tickettttt." Listen to your money. It knows what's best for you.

Go here to buy your raffle ticket now!

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

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Posted in Avitable Gives Advice, Partay | 206 Comments »

Anatomy of a Post #BlogHer Avitable

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

Unless I come up with yet another genius and hilarious idea, this is my last post about #BlogHer. I may post a few of my favorite photos and I may discuss the "Vaginally Challenged: The Men of BlogHer" panel I spoke on at some point, but I want to wait for the audio to be available. I have uploaded all of the photos that I took (and that Britt took, since she broke her camera the first night and used mine a lot) on my Flickr here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/avitable/sets/72157621757851925/

I'm looking forward to this weekend, because I am still recovering from an unbelievable five days in Chicago. I haven't read many blogs, haven't replied to my own comments, haven't gotten my work done, and haven't even unpacked. If you looked like this, you'd feel the same way too:

Post_BlogHer_Avitable

  1. Horribly puffy eyes that won't stay open caused by lack of sleep, plus Muskrat poked me in the eye with his penis.
  2. Rapidly expanding bald spot caused by being placed in high-estrogen, high-stress environment where I faced people that used to only live in my computer. Baldness not helped by the chunk of hair that Karen and Sam pulled out as a souvenir.
  3. Albino, sallow skin from last week's spray tan washing off and from having my forehead repeatedly smooshed up against Kelly's and Anissa's boobs.
  4. Glazed over eyes from trying to work, plus eyes are also worn out from the exercise required to simultaneously look at a blogger and smile while trying to peripherally read their nametag to see who the fuck they were. Eye muscles also strained from trying to pick out tiny bloggers like Ali and Casey in a crowd.
  5. Normal shirt with no offensive slogans because there are no people to oppress or demean in person. Online, I'll still offend bloggers like Grace and Maria.
  6. Chapped lips from talking non-stop about BlogHer as if anyone is left who cares. Dehydration still occurring after my flight from Chicago to Florida, where I could have saved the trip and hung out with Angel, Angie, Shari, Melanie, Karl, Maria, and Izzy.
  7. Piece of cheeseburger still stuck between my teeth from the CheeseburgHer party. Probably photographed by Y and served by Lindsay.
  8. Unshaven scruffy stubble because I haven't shaved my own face in three years and my barber was sick on Tuesday. Plus, I knew how much Deb loves a man's stubble rubbing on her cheek when he hugs her. Of course, looking like a homeless man isn't very good for impressing new bloggers that you met for the first time, like Sara and Renee.
  9. Almost empty container of hand sanitizer from trying to sanitize everything from bird flu, swine flu, baby influenze, mommy blogger's madness, and other diseases that could have been picked up at BlogHer, most likely from Megan or Miss.
  10. Wrinkled shirt left at bottom of suitcase which is the only clean piece of clothing that I own. The rest of my clothing was torn off in the throes of passion by Victoria, Traci, and Pauline.
  11. Earpiece dangling from overuse from returning voicemails for work. It's getting a chance to cool off before I start making crank calls to Heather and Linda. And heavy breathing and dirty talking with my sexy voice phone calls to Sue, Maggie, and Catherine.
  12. Perpetual darkness to simulate a cave-like environment after the horrible evil brightness of the Sheraton. Preparing myself to once again burst into flame when I go into the sun.
  13. (Not pictured)My testicles, which were autographed by Megan, Erin, Jenny, and Elisa and will never be washed again.

Just a quick disclaimer: I've tried to mention as many of the people that I met that I can remember off the top of my head over the last few BlogHer posts, but I know that there will be some people that I will forget. It's not on purpose, and if you comment to remind me, that would be awesome.

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Posted in blogher | 97 Comments »

The Bloggers of #BlogHer09: Limericks are Hard

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

Just when you thought I was done with my BlogHer posts, I drag you back in. Rather than trying to remember every single person I met last weekend and risk hurting feelings by leaving someone out, I'm going to try a little experiment.

I have a stack of 50-60 business cards that I got from different bloggers whom I met during the conference. I'm going to pick out 10 random ones, and write a limerick about each one.

10. Piper of Love:
There once was a redhead named Piper,
She seemed quiet and not at all hyper.
We said hi a few times,
And did a few lines,
And she got taken out by a police sniper.

9. Momo Fali:
I encountered dear Momo Fali,
Giving blowjobs in a dark alley,
I paid her tons of dough,
To fuck my ass real slow,
And scream that my name is Sally.

8. The Bitchin' Wife:
Amy is known as The Bitchin' Wife,
Tall and hot and sharp as a knife,
I would have loved to chat,
Talked about this or that,
But I was afraid she'd end my life.

7. Shauna Glenn:
Shauna's an enigma wrapped in a riddle,
She's petite and tiny and cute and little,
Her sarcasm bites,
I love how she writes,
And she's too classy to show me her tittle.

6. Motherbumper:
I met a blogger whose name was Katie,
Soaking wet, she can't weigh more than 80,
She looks like Winona,
That gave me a bonah,
Which I ran up and poked into Mr. Lady.

5. Citizen of the Month:
The blogger named Neil Kramer,
Could have been much, much lamer,
He made my top ten list,
Of people who are Jewish,
(No, they're not all the samer.)

4. Alphamom:
There once was a blogger named Isabel,
Who ran a CheeseburgHer party quite well,
She paid everyone off,
If they as much as coughed,
And she may never get rid of that burger smell.

3. Amalah:
There's a blog out there called "Amalah",
It should always be pronounced the same-a-lah.
The author, Amy Storch,
Is so hot she'll scorch,
And I doubt she remembered my name-a-lah.

2. Mrs. Fussypants:
The blond curly woman drew near,
In her eyes I saw glistening tears,
Before she started to run,
I told her I'd stop making fun,
And she used language that would burn your ears.

1. Redneck Mommy:
There once was a redneck named Tanis,
Who actually had quite a large penis,
She said "eh" and "aboot",
And was good for a hoot,
Until she stuck her dick in my anus.

All of these are completely true, except for the parts that aren't.

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Posted in blogher | 77 Comments »

The Mixed-Up Files of Ms. Poppy E. Cede

Saturday, July 25th, 2009

Today is the 35th birthday of the quirky, funny, amazing, lovely Poppy, and in her honor, here is a little quiz.

Has Poppy ever . . .

1. Had a threesome with two gay men?

2. Vandalized a church statue with a pocket knife?

3. Been bitten by a ferret?

4. Milked a cow?

5. Cheated on a test?

6. Ridden in a helicopter?

7. Pooped in a pot?

8. Gotten in a clothes dryer?

9. Climbed a mountain?

10. Set herself on fire?

11. Learned six languages?

12. Puked in a bathtub?

13. Acted in a play?

In true Poppy fashion, this quiz only has 13 questions because I don't feel like it's necessary to round up to 15 or down to 10. And if you know Poppy at all, you'll know that the answer to every single one of these questions is yes!

Happy 35th, Poppy! Just for fun, I'm reposting the image I drew for your birthday two years ago:

Poppy and the Ark

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Posted in Bloggers, My Art | 30 Comments »

Getting to know Avitable #blogher

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009

For those of you who read me and are not going to BlogHer, I apologize in advance. I've written a few posts over the next week that will be a bit more centered around the conference, but hopefully there are a few little tidbits scattered within that will still make it worthwhile to read.

On Wednesday, I will be arriving in Chicago to attend a conference of personal/life bloggers that is 95% women. There will be around 1400 people in attendance, and it's likely that less than 10% of those people will have any idea who I am. This means that there will be a lot of people whose only interaction with me will be a brief hello, leaving no real impression of who I am.

So here's a brief introduction, followed by some information where you can find me at BlogHer if you're so inclined to seek me out.

Avitable is my last name. It is pronounced "Uh-VIT-uh-bull." Here is a video that may be helpful:

My name is Adam Heath Avitable. I am a lawyer who never practiced law. I am a huge movie and TV buff. I'm a computer geek. I like comics. I am not what you would call a "guy's guy". I don't get my hands dirty. I couldn't fix a car if I had to. I get my eyebrows waxed. I love the Gilmore Girls and Sex and the City. I would rather talk on the phone for hours than watch sports. I would rather stab myself in the eye than watch sports, to be honest.

I post on this here blog every day of the week. Most of my posts are humorous, although that may be a subjective opinion on my part. I try to reply to every single comment that I receive, and the 100th comment is just as important to me as the 1st. I'm also on Twitter and Facebook, but I think that Twitter makes lazy bloggers even lazier, and doesn't have the sense of community and togetherness that blogging does.

I have a very dark sense of humor, and I'm quite crude. I post naked pictures of myself, including in a Letter to my Body post that modeled the ones done by so many women through BlogHer last year. If you can't handle sarcasm, a healthy disregard for modern conventions, and infantile humor, you probably don't want to read me. I'm sure there's a nice righteous Christian blog that can help you be a better wife, SAHM to your fourteen children, and Palin 2012 supporter.

If you're coming to BlogHer, I'll be arriving on Wednesday afternoon and staying until late Sunday. If you have my cell phone, you can text me anytime. If you don't have my cell phone and would like the number, please say so in the comments and I'll email you. And if after all of this, you're still interested in meeting me, here are a few places where I know I'll be:

1. Come hear me speak and get free swag! On Saturday, from 10:45 AM until noon, I am co-hosting a panel at BlogHer with two other male bloggers, Jim from Busy Dad Blog and Matthew from ChildsplayX2.

The panel is called: Vaginally challenged bloggers – the men of BlogHer. It's a panel BY men FOR women. We want to talk about your male readers – about our expectations, our interests, and our likes and dislikes when it comes to blogging and the blogs we frequent. Our panel will be moderated by the lovely, sarcastic, sharp tongued Miss Britt, and should prove to be entertaining for any of you who come.

If you're not enticed to come just to hear me, Jim, and Matthew speak and be scolded by Britt, maybe we can bribe you. The first 150 people in the room will get free swag! What other panel can promise that they're going to give you shit just for listening to them? Plus, if we get enough demand, I'll have to get on the table and do a strip tease.

For the attention deficit among you, that's Saturday, from 10:45 AM until 12:00 PM. And if you're still on the fence, here's why you should join me and my two dads instead of going to the other sessions running concurrently (should I mention that I mean this in good-natured fun?):

  • TravelBloggers as Boundary-Breaking Evangelists – The only thing that would be more boring than reading a travel blog would be listening to travel bloggers talk about how awesome they are.
  • Advanced Social Media, Syndication and Stats – "Social media" is one of the stupidest terms to join common usage. It's media. All media is fucking social.
  • Hope and Change in Action – Oh, look, women have changed the world. Amelia Earheart, Rosa Parks and Marie Curie called and said that you should wait until you do something real.
  • Blogging as a Homeschooling Tool – Yeah, those kids are going to be fucked up anyways. No point.
  • Women of Color and Marketing – Sorry, Kelly, but mine's going to be much cooler.
  • Geek Labs: Stats for Word Nerds, Twitter Basics: How and Why, Apache Servers Are Your Friend, .htaccess for Bloggers – C'mon people, read a fucking book or tutorial. And if you can't figure out Twitter with all of the explanations and videos out there, maybe you should just give up on using a computer.

2. Come hear my best friend speak about her vagina! On Friday, from 10:45 AM until noon, Britt will be co-hosting a panel about really personal blogging. It will without a doubt be the funniest, most entertaining panel there, and only losers would go to a different session during that time.

3. Parties – you'll be able to find me at the following shindigs:

  • People's Party – Thursday, 8:30-11 PM
  • Room 704 Party – Thursday, 10:30 PM – 12 AM
  • BlogHer Cocktail Party – Friday, 6:30 – 8:30 PM
  • MamaPopRocks – Friday, 10 PM – 12 AM
  • BlogHer Cocktail Party – Saturday, 6:30 – 8:30 PM
  • Cheeseburgher Party – Saturday, 10 PM – 12 AM

4. Registration Desk – From 7 AM until 10 AM on Friday and Saturday, I will be working at the BlogHer registration desk, helping get you registered for the conference.

5. Wherever Tanis, Casey and Kelly are. These three BlogHer veterans will help me survive the onslaught of estrogen by protecting me with their voluptuous breasts. Or so I hope.

See you at BlogHer!

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Posted in blogher | 106 Comments »

America's Next Top Blogger

Thursday, March 19th, 2009

On the set of the season finale of the Emmy-award winning show, America's Next Top Blogger:

Announcer: Over the last season of America's Next Top Blogger, you've seen our contestants rise to the very heights of their blogging ability and plunge to their virtual deaths. We started with 20 bloggers and over the last 16 weeks, our judges have eliminated all but the very best three bloggers. Tonight, someone will be crowned America's Next Top Blogger!

[APPLAUSE]

Phil M. Boyant (Judge #1): Oohweee I'm so excited! Hee! Let's take you, first, my beautiful NYCWD. I think that you put together a beautiful blog post for the last competition, but you have to be fierce without it being sharp. You know what I mean, boyfriend?

NYCWD: Ummm, not real-

Tyra Dooce (Judge #2): I was disappointed in your confusion between "your" and "you're". At this point in the competition, little things like grammar shouldn't stop up your writing. On my blog, I hire fourteen English majors from Harvard to comb through each sentence to make sure that my final product is as perfect as my booty. Have you seen this booty? It's bootylicious! (smacks her butt and grins madly at audience) Anywhoosit, you need to put the same type of dedication that I do into each and every word that you write.

NYCWD: But you hire peop-

Nick Nolte (Celebrity Guest Judge): I hold a lifetime Russian Roulette record of 76 and 3.

NYCWD: Ummm, okay?

Phil M. Boyant: Okay my beautiful bloggers, now that that's clear, let's move on to the next contestant. This blogger is FABULOUSSSS! I'm talking, of course, about the gorgeous, I wish I had her hair and skin, Bossy! Bossy darling, your blog melts my chocolate heart, but you do too much, girl! What you need to do is bring it, but don't let it bring you to dinner, you get what I'm saying?

Bossy: Okay . . .wait, what?

Tyra Dooce: Exactly, Phil. I think that sometimes you tend to make too many posts at once. Each one has its own quirk and beauty, but it might be better to space it out some. Like on my blog – that's a perfect example how I write one lengthy post and then I post a photo of my dog and then my little shithead child. She's a brat, but I'm training her to smile with her eyes and walk the catwalk just like this! (struts around like a crackhead) You need to strut your stuff, but don't let it overwhelm your reader, k?

Bossy: But Bossy has nice sections for each-

Nick Nolte: It's my turn, GODDAMNIT!

Bossy: …

Nick Nolte: Thank you. Now, as I was saying. For my money, there's nothin' sexier than a pregnant woman kin take a punch.

Bossy: Bossy thinks you might be drunk?

Phil M. Boyant: Helloooooo? Is everyone ready for the last beautiful blogger of the beautiful bunch? She's beautiful, she's a blogger, and she's our own very Moosh in Indy! Now Moosh dear, your photos are breathtaking. (Holds hands to chest, dabs tear out of his eye) I think that a little more zazz and funk could really spice them up, though, because sometimes they can be a little too demure, ya know? Let's try to put the "mer" in camera, k, gorgeous?

Moosh: I don't under-

Tyra Dooce: I agree completely, Phil. I'd also like to compliment your photography. In many ways, you remind me of a young me. I would take photo after photo of anything sitting on top of my dog's head, and each shot came out beautifully! The best thing you can do to make sure that your photos stay dynamic and as amazing as they should be is just to think to yourself, What Would Tyra Dooce Do? I've actually made you a little bracelet that says WWTDD for you to wear around everywhere, and if anyone else wants one, you can buy it in my new enterprise, Braceletyraland! Smack that booty! (Smacks her own bottom again).

Moosh: But I'm allergic to latex!

Nick Nolte: Whoa, what happened, I blacked out for a second there.

Phil: Well, that's all the time we have for the critique portion of the show. It's now time for the judges to make our decision. Judges, have you decided?

Tyra: Yes, I have.

Nick: Blargle shanty poof.

Phil: Okay! And this season's America's Next Top Blogger is . . .

(camera pans over the worried faces of the three contestants)

Could it be NYCWD?

(camera zooms in on his forehead)

Or maybe Bossy?

(camera pans out and shows her from the knees down.)

Or could it be Moosh?

(camera looks at the top of her head)

Who could it be?

(camera looks at the exit, bored)

The tension is amazing!

(camera gives up, keep wide shot of whole studio)

The winner is . . .

(cameraman leaves camera in place and shoots himself)

Our very own fierce deliciousness blogger, NYCWD!

[APPLAUSE]

NYCWD: Thank you, thank you. I really appreciate it. I thought that the orange might cost me some points, but it seems that-

Tyra Dooce: Not to interrupt, but I'm going to. In the end, we all know that I'm actually the top blogger here. Watch me strut!

(cut to commercial)

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Posted in General | 29 Comments »

Miami

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009

Tuesday, Britt and I drove down to Miami to meet up with Finn, who lives down here, and Jester and Othurme, who were just visiting.

I'm writing this from our hotel room at The National in South Beach, where it has taken me almost two hours to get their "free wireless" to work.

I'm sure the night will be filled with fun and festivities, but for now, this is what I leave you:

On another note, we will be having an episode of Clearly, You're Retarded tonight, but we don't know what the topic is just yet. Stay tuned!

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Posted in Bloggers | 18 Comments »

Anybody live near Charlotte?

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008

If you're waiting for the results of my Buffy giveaway, I'll post it shortly. I just have to count all of the entries and pick my random winner.

On December 24th, Amy, Jigsaw and I will be driving to Charlotte, North Carolina, to spend the holidays with my wife's younger sister, who has recently purchased her first house and is hosting her very first Christmas. The last holiday I spent with this sister was the ill-fated trip to Saint Croix, which resulted in my misery and the lot of you calling me a whiny bitch. I expect this trip to be much better.

We're not actually going to Charlotte. We're traveling to a small, one-street town that closes down at 4 PM, consists of 90% churchgoing hypocrites residents, and has absolutely nothing to do for those of us with severe ADD. No movie theater, no high-speed Internet, no red light district for Thai ladyboys.

We will arrive on Christmas Eve, do the whole Christmas thing (open presents, eat food, sacrifice a few virgins – the usual), on Christmas, and then our plans are quite fuzzy. I imagine there will be some type of sporting event put on the television, and I'd much rather gouge my eyes out than participate in that. I'm also aware of a planned trip to the Biltmore, which sounds like a descent into the very bowels of hell itself.

So I've decided to entertain myself. And by entertain myself, I mean that I would see if there are any bloggers in the general Charlotte area who want to get together on either the 27th or 28th for a lunch or dinner or coffee or a nosh or cookies and milk or a cuppa or a steak.

If you're so entrenched in spending time with your family that you cannot get away, I pity you, but hopefully there are a few heathens out there who would love to leave their family behind for an hour or two just to hang out.

Anyone?

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Posted in General | 40 Comments »

Method 4,982 to break blogger block

Monday, November 10th, 2008

I am currently hard at work at finishing the studio photos for those of you who attended the party and will soon have a post with information about that. It's more work than I thought! And now, your regularly scheduled post:

There are many ways to avoid a case of blogger's block. You can read the news, search for unusual holidays, or post a photo.

Or you can just call another blogger!

Using sophisticated IP tracking software, a favor from a college roommate with access to a CIA satellite, and a private detective I hired for 1,000 Canadian rupees an hour, I tracked down the phone number of Tanis, aka Redneck Mommy.

I dialed her number.

"Ooooooooooooooooooot," the phone rang. It was answered with a clatter, almost like someone might have tried to answer it but knocked it to the ground by accident.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes," she answered breathlessly. I heard squeaking in the background.

"Hi, is this Tanis? This is Avitable. Are you bouncing up and down on your mattress or something?"

"Oh God! God fucking yes! Oh God!"

"Oh, I'm not God. I know some people think I am, but I'm just a humble blogger, like you. So, how's it going?"

"Uhhh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-hmmmm." The rhythmic squeaking made it a bit hard to hear her.

"Well, it's not a trick question. I'm doing pretty well, but I'm having trouble writing a blog post. I figured that between the both of us we should be able to come up with a good idea."

"Right there! Harder! Softer! Slower! Faster! Ooh, don't move!"

"I'm not going anywhere. You want me to write faster? Anyways, I was thinking that I could just write about our conversation, and maybe people might find it funny."

"That's it! That's it! That's it! Yes! Yes! YES!" Squeak-squeak-squeak echoed in the background.

"Okay, great! I love your enthusiasm! Well, what should we talk about?"

"Give me your cock. Give me your cock! Give me your fucking cock!" I heard the sound of skin slapping on top of the incessant squeaking.

"That's a good idea – it would be funny to talk about us having some type of online affair. Then we could pretend that we emailed naked photos to each other and I could post something hideous."

"I'm coming! Oh God, I'm coming! Yes! YES! YES!" The squeaking reached a crescendo.

"Well, I don't know if you need to come to Florida for this guest post to work. And I already told you, I'm just Avitable. The Holy thing is just a title. I'm not really God."

"Eeeeeeeggggggffffffffffnnnnnn……." She trailed off and made a sound like an inflated mattress losing air.

"I'm okay with onomatopoeia too, if you want to try that, but we should come up with a cohesive plan, first, don't you think?"

*click*

"Hello? Hello?"

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Posted in Dirty talk | 52 Comments »

Amber Alert: Missing Children

Friday, November 7th, 2008

Many of you were wondering why I kept pestering each of you for photos of yourself as a child. As part of our theme of an old abandoned carnival, the concept was designed around the idea that the reason the carnival shut down was that all of the kids disappeared. And here's what we did with those photos (you can also see the Flickr set here):

Avitable

Amy

Angie

Hellohahanarf

Copasetic Beth

Sybil Law

Mr. Fabulous

Carolina

Dave2

Delmer

Geeky Tai Tai

Coal Miner's Granddaughter

Hilly

Girl Dislocated

Britt

Faiqa

Jane

John

Karl

LeSombre

Mike

Millie

Penny

Poppy

Jared

Tariq

Mark

Stephanie

Turnbaby

Finn

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Posted in Partay | 44 Comments »

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