No real post today. But, if you haven't already, please take the time to do the following:
1. Vote for my Room Of Your Own for BlogHer 2010. Even if you're not planning on attending, a vote that you would attend shows interest and is likely to get my room chosen. If you don't have a BlogHer account, you'll have to create one, and you have to be logged in. It shouldn't take more than five minutes, and the voting ends on Sunday.
In August, I will be attending BlogHer for my second time. Last year was a great weekend, even with the poor organization and supervision provided by some of the people who run it (my experience as a volunteer was extremely illuminating with regards to the chaos among the higher ranks of BlogHer). One of my favorite parts was getting the chance to speak on a panel entitled "Vaginally Challenged: The Men of BlogHer". You can read a transcript of our hilarity here. Moderated by the only person in the world capable of wrangling and channeling our awesomeness (and quite effortlessly, too, I must say), I, along with Jim and Matthew, talked for an hour to an absolutely packed room. We discussed the differences and difficulties encountered when you are a male personal blogger. Our room was standing-room only, and people were in the halls trying to listen. From the reports I heard, it was one of, if not the, most popular Rooms Of Your Own at BlogHer 2009.
And now I'm submitting it again. This year, the title is "The Male Personal Blogger: Myth, Legend, or Valuable Contributor?". The voting is still open, and I'd love to have your support! All you have to do is go here (you have to be logged in if you're not already!) and click "I would attend this session". That's it. Even if you're not able to attend the conference, your interest in attending the session will help TPTB in deciding which sessions to include this year.
After uploading my photos to Flickr from BlogHer, I spent some time searching around for some of the better photos taken of me during the conference. And because I'm nothing if not narcissistic, I thought I'd post a few here:
I'm looking for additional photos that people may have taken of me or of my shirt – if you see any on Flickr or other photo sites, please send me a link!
Unless I come up with yet another genius and hilarious idea, this is my last post about #BlogHer. I may post a few of my favorite photos and I may discuss the "VaginallyChallenged: The Men of BlogHer" panel I spoke on at some point, but I want to wait for the audio to be available. I have uploaded all of the photos that I took (and that Britt took, since she broke her camera the first night and used mine a lot) on my Flickr here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/avitable/sets/72157621757851925/
I'm looking forward to this weekend, because I am still recovering from an unbelievable five days in Chicago. I haven't read many blogs, haven't replied to my own comments, haven't gotten my work done, and haven't even unpacked. If you looked like this, you'd feel the same way too:
Horribly puffy eyes that won't stay open caused by lack of sleep, plus Muskrat poked me in the eye with his penis.
Rapidly expanding bald spot caused by being placed in high-estrogen, high-stress environment where I faced people that used to only live in my computer. Baldness not helped by the chunk of hair that Karen and Sam pulled out as a souvenir.
Albino, sallow skin from last week's spray tan washing off and from having my forehead repeatedly smooshed up against Kelly's and Anissa's boobs.
Glazed over eyes from trying to work, plus eyes are also worn out from the exercise required to simultaneously look at a blogger and smile while trying to peripherally read their nametag to see who the fuck they were. Eye muscles also strained from trying to pick out tiny bloggers like Ali and Casey in a crowd.
Normal shirt with no offensive slogans because there are no people to oppress or demean in person. Online, I'll still offend bloggers like Grace and Maria.
Chapped lips from talking non-stop about BlogHer as if anyone is left who cares. Dehydration still occurring after my flight from Chicago to Florida, where I could have saved the trip and hung out with Angel, Angie, Shari, Melanie, Karl, Maria, and Izzy.
Piece of cheeseburger still stuck between my teeth from the CheeseburgHer party. Probably photographed by Y and served by Lindsay.
Unshaven scruffy stubble because I haven't shaved my own face in three years and my barber was sick on Tuesday. Plus, I knew how much Deb loves a man's stubble rubbing on her cheek when he hugs her. Of course, looking like a homeless man isn't very good for impressing new bloggers that you met for the first time, like Sara and Renee.
Almost empty container of hand sanitizer from trying to sanitize everything from bird flu, swine flu, baby influenze, mommy blogger's madness, and other diseases that could have been picked up at BlogHer, most likely from Megan or Miss.
Wrinkled shirt left at bottom of suitcase which is the only clean piece of clothing that I own. The rest of my clothing was torn off in the throes of passion by Victoria, Traci, and Pauline.
Earpiece dangling from overuse from returning voicemails for work. It's getting a chance to cool off before I start making crank calls to Heather and Linda. And heavy breathing and dirty talking with my sexy voice phone calls to Sue, Maggie, and Catherine.
Perpetual darkness to simulate a cave-like environment after the horrible evil brightness of the Sheraton. Preparing myself to once again burst into flame when I go into the sun.
(Not pictured)My testicles, which were autographed by Megan, Erin, Jenny, and Elisa and will never be washed again.
Just a quick disclaimer: I've tried to mention as many of the people that I met that I can remember off the top of my head over the last few BlogHer posts, but I know that there will be some people that I will forget. It's not on purpose, and if you comment to remind me, that would be awesome.
Just when you thought I was done with my BlogHer posts, I drag you back in. Rather than trying to remember every single person I met last weekend and risk hurting feelings by leaving someone out, I'm going to try a little experiment.
I have a stack of 50-60 business cards that I got from different bloggers whom I met during the conference. I'm going to pick out 10 random ones, and write a limerick about each one.
10. Piper of Love:
There once was a redhead named Piper,
She seemed quiet and not at all hyper.
We said hi a few times,
And did a few lines,
And she got taken out by a police sniper.
9. Momo Fali:
I encountered dear Momo Fali,
Giving blowjobs in a dark alley,
I paid her tons of dough,
To fuck my ass real slow,
And scream that my name is Sally.
8. The Bitchin' Wife:
Amy is known as The Bitchin' Wife,
Tall and hot and sharp as a knife,
I would have loved to chat,
Talked about this or that,
But I was afraid she'd end my life.
7. Shauna Glenn:
Shauna's an enigma wrapped in a riddle,
She's petite and tiny and cute and little,
Her sarcasm bites,
I love how she writes,
And she's too classy to show me her tittle.
6. Motherbumper:
I met a blogger whose name was Katie,
Soaking wet, she can't weigh more than 80,
She looks like Winona,
That gave me a bonah,
Which I ran up and poked into Mr. Lady.
5. Citizen of the Month:
The blogger named Neil Kramer,
Could have been much, much lamer,
He made my top ten list,
Of people who are Jewish,
(No, they're not all the samer.)
4. Alphamom:
There once was a blogger named Isabel,
Who ran a CheeseburgHer party quite well,
She paid everyone off,
If they as much as coughed,
And she may never get rid of that burger smell.
3. Amalah:
There's a blog out there called "Amalah",
It should always be pronounced the same-a-lah.
The author, Amy Storch,
Is so hot she'll scorch,
And I doubt she remembered my name-a-lah.
2. Mrs. Fussypants:
The blond curly woman drew near,
In her eyes I saw glistening tears,
Before she started to run,
I told her I'd stop making fun,
And she used language that would burn your ears.
1. Redneck Mommy:
There once was a redneck named Tanis,
Who actually had quite a large penis,
She said "eh" and "aboot",
And was good for a hoot,
Until she stuck her dick in my anus.
All of these are completely true, except for the parts that aren't.
On Sunday, July 26th, after a short yet productive life, Twitter hashtag #BlogHer09 passed away in the hospital. She spent her entire life selflessly supporting the 2009 BlogHer Conference, and although many people may have found her annoying and a bit overwhelming, she was appreciated by many. As usual, I had the privilege of interviewing the recently deceased hashtag:
Me: So, #BlogHer09, was your passing peaceful?
BH: Well, it would have been nice, but there were a few people who just wouldn't let go and made the end very painful. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to see my name still popping up occasionally over the next few months.
Me: Since your life was so tied into the BlogHer Conference, do you have any regrets?
BH: It would have been nice if people would have stopped using me to order room service, get directions, have private, in-depth conversations, and flirt with each other shamelessly. But at least it wasn't as bad as it was for my good friend #NikonHatesBabies.
Me: Did you ever get any breaks or did BlogHer have you running ragged every minute?
BH: Well, the morning was usually pretty hectic as 1400 people decided to tell everyone else how much they needed coffee and hated how their hair looked. Then it would calm down for a little while until each attendee decided to ask another attendee where they were and then decide to meet in the lobby. At lunch, I got a short break because everyone's hands were full as they shoved bad free food down their gullets. Well, except for the Anorexia contingency, of course. But most of them were too weak to type.
Me: What about the evenings? Were those busy?
BH; They usually started out quite busy. One person would tweet about a party, and then a thousand people would retweet it, and that was a lot of work. As the night progressed and the alcohol flowed, though, more and more of them would start to make massive spelling errors, and my lesser known colleagues #Bligher09, #BlofHer09, and #Bagheagbhu2 went to work.
Me: What would you say was the worst part of your job?
BH: The swag. I was so sick of hearing about people complaining about not getting free stuff. Plus, I got my own bag of Room 704 swag and I was so disappointed when I put in that porno DVD to watch and found out that it was a fucking ballet video. It was really hard to masturbate to that with the free dildo, but I managed.
Me: You masturbated? But don't you have a blog husband? I thought that was common.
BH: Well, @ChildsPlayX2 and I were friends, but we had to have a blog divorce after I found out he was updating his Facebook status without telling me. So . . . I'm blog single now . . . what are you doing after the interview?
Me: Let's move on. For you, what was the worst part of the entire conference?
BH: Definitely the men. First there were those awful, horrible T-shirts that offended 4 people. Then, there was that dreadful Vaginally Challenged panel where those misogynists got a platform to spread their agenda and innuendo. Before you know it, men are going to start reading blogs and getting advertisers interested in them and getting invited to go to the private sponsored parties! It could become an epidemic.
Me: I heard that the panel was quite a success, actually. One of the best sessions of the weekend.
BH: Yeah, well, somebody also said that the WiFi in the hotel was amazing, so you know how easily bullshit spreads.
Me: And what was the best part of the entire conference?
BH: Definitely the community keynote. What better way to celebrate the written word than by having what felt like a thousand bloggers read their posts aloud to a crowded room? It was magical.
Me: I don't think that word means what you think it does.
BH: Well, if I was going to suggest something else, I'd say that the attitude was the best part. Even with the rampant commercialism, stampeding for swag, rumormongering, and overwhelming feeling of estrogen in the air, the sense of community was palpable, and people seemed genuinely interested in meeting each other, making friends, putting faces with familiar names, and kissing each other with lots of tongue.
Me: I noticed in your obituary that you died during childbirth. Did your child survive?
BH: Yes, little #Blogher10 has been kicking and screaming. Even without me, I know that her dad, #GiveMeFreeShit, will do a great job raising her.
Me: Thanks for the interview. You can now walk into the light.
BH: Oh it's so pretty. I hear harps and feel the fluttering of wings. I'm coming, heaven! Wait, what's happening? It's stalling – the pearly gates aren't opening. Oh fuck, it's the FAIL WHALE!
Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:
In my BlogHer Room Of Your Own panel, I was asked what my favorite post was, and while there were several contenders, the one that stood out the most seemed to by the post I wrote a year and a half ago. At the time of this post, I was also 100 pounds heavier, but it's still just as relevant:
In February 2008, Britt wrote a very inspiring post about body acceptance, and she very bravely posted a picture of herself in the nude to show how comfortable she is with every curve, wrinkle and stray hair. It was all part of the BlogHer "Letter to my Body" initiative. I think it's an excellent movement and support it fully. I mean no disrespect to those women with this subsequent parody.
Dear Body,
I love you.
I knew that a steady diet of cheeseburgers, french fries, pizza, and butter would make you into an object of desire and affection.
I love that you can displace all of the water in a pool with one cannonball.
I love that your pants would feed a largish village in Africa.
I love that I get to use a mirror to see my penis and feet, since that lets me just gaze at myself.
Your breasts started out firm, but after having many Baby Ruths, they have become a bit saggy, but that's okay. I'd never be able to lick my own nipples otherwise.
Your stomach, pregnant with many, many food babies, has expanded, but that's okay. It's a good place to sit a book or balance a tray.
Your thighs, once glistening pillars of steel, now brush together, but that's okay. If I get trapped out in the wilderness, I can just wear corduroy and walk around to start a small fire.
Your penis, a mighty warrior of slightly above average size, has now hidden itself among your girth, but that's okay. The smaller size makes it easier for smaller hands, say that of a high school aged girl.
Your butt, once shapely and taut, has become completely flat, but that's okay. Now I can drop my pants easily without worrying about snags.
Your hair still covers every inch of you, except on the top of your head, but that's okay. I enjoy being able to explore fashion trends with different types of hats.
Being the size of six normal people just means that you are six times as awesome! Being able to ride in solace in an elevator because you meet the weight limit alone is gratifying. Bringing your own titanium chair to restaurants allows you to protect the environment, and buying four seats on an airplane before you board gives you the comfort that none of those other passengers will ever experience.
Body, you'll never understand how important I feel when the people at the Burger King drive-through know me by name. And that's all thanks to you. And having the city of Altamonte Springs offer me my own roving zip code – that just warmed the cockles of my heart. When cars move out of the way as I cross the street because they don't want to hit the large zoo animal who has clearly escaped, I always nod my head and secretly thank you. For I truly am special.
According to BlogHer, there will be 1,399 people attending the main BlogHer conference this weekend. That's not an astronomical number of people and it's not a infinitesimal number of people. It's a solid showing of bloggers who are getting together to learn about each other, drink until they're stupid, and create this community that makes blogging so much fun. But who are these people going? I got my hands on a top secret demographic breakdown of the attendees and even though I was sworn to secrecy, I'm sharing it here, just for you.
Out of 1399 attendees:
148 attendees will be… mothers who have recently given birth and will be breast feeding their babies all weekend long, even if it is weird and squicky. 23 of these mothers will walk around with wet spots on their chests that I will be unable to avoid staring at.
277 attendees will be… lesbians. 3 of them will turn straight after meeting me. 2 of them will turn gay again after talking with me for more than ten minutes.
44 attendees will be… men. 15 men will be non-bloggers, there with their spouses. 8 men will be there to get laid. 3 men are there just to give any woman who asks a pearl necklace. 12 men are bloggers who are there to meet more bloggers. 5 men are gay men who are on the prowl for new fag hags. 1 man is me.
319 attendees will be… hard-core fundamentalist Christian Republicans. They'll cluck disapprovingly at the women around them and go to bed every night at 9:30, clutching their Sarah Palin dolls, to pray for the souls of everyone there. 10 of them will sneak out of their rooms and go down to the hotel bar to find random lonely men to fuck. Another 12 of them will take this weekend to experience sapphic delight with their roommate.
700 attendees will be… mommybloggers, some of whom may already be categorized above. They refer to themselves as variations on "Taylor's Mom" or "Constipated Mommy" and write mainly about their child and how amazing their kid is and how much of a pain their kid is and take photos of how cute their kid is and write about how much they need a drink when their kid is a brat and they get free shit from Graco and Pampers and go to Johnson & Johnson Baby Camp and watch Oprah and the Today Show and write books about parenting and read books about parenting and then their kids will grow up and they'll realize that they have nothing to talk about and no interests other than their children.
378 attendees will be… childfree women, either by choice or due to a medical or physical reason. 10 of them will be militantly childfree, throwing around terms like "breeders" with snark and anger, and you'll know that they secretly want a child of their own but will never admit it. 122 of them love children so much and want one, so when they see the kids at the conference, they'll try to steal them and run home with them. 4 of them will have a sense of humor.
84 attendees will be… infertility bloggers who write every day about their attempts to have children. They'll write about vaginal secretions and internal temperatures and clinical sex and their scientific approach to something that should happen naturally. 59 of them will secretly not want a child (or another child) but are only doing it because they feel pressure from society and/or their husband and family to do so.
987 attendees will be… sarcastic and funny and perverted and have a little bit of a twisted soul. They'll have a good sense of humor and know when it's okay to laugh at themselves.
299 attendees will be… women who look like men because they have facial hair of some sort. 19 of them will have a beard and 3 of them will have chest hair poking out of the top of their outfits. 1 of them will just go along with the flow and pretend that she really is a guy, which will cause her to realize she wants to be a man, and she'll get a sponsor to provide her with sex-change surgery next month.
10 attendees will be… incontinent and will pee themselves completely at some point during the weekend. Nobody will notice, but if someone did, they'd pee themselves in solidarity and say that all the cool people pee their pants.
47 attendees will be… undercover FBI agents looking for terrorists. Instead, they'll get swept up in discussions about homeschooling and breastfeeding in public and will decide to quit their jobs, raise lots of babies, and blog about them.
3 attendees will be… hermaphroditic Filipino midget assassins.
2 attendees will be… from the future. They will be there to see if they need to stop BlogHer before it takes over the world in the year 2043.
1 attendee will be… an asshole who has a picture of himself eating ice cream with Hitler on his blog. He'll be sarcastic and smug, but much more reserved than you'd expect. He'll be quiet but friendly, even if he may let his mind wander to what you'd look like naked. And he's unlikely to approach anyone, not because he's better than they are, but because he isn't that much of an extrovert. You can go over to him, though, because he won't bite. Much.
For those of you who read me and are not going to BlogHer, I apologize in advance. I've written a few posts over the next week that will be a bit more centered around the conference, but hopefully there are a few little tidbits scattered within that will still make it worthwhile to read.
On Wednesday, I will be arriving in Chicago to attend a conference of personal/life bloggers that is 95% women. There will be around 1400 people in attendance, and it's likely that less than 10% of those people will have any idea who I am. This means that there will be a lot of people whose only interaction with me will be a brief hello, leaving no real impression of who I am.
So here's a brief introduction, followed by some information where you can find me at BlogHer if you're so inclined to seek me out.
Avitable is my last name. It is pronounced "Uh-VIT-uh-bull." Here is a video that may be helpful:
My name is Adam Heath Avitable. I am a lawyer who never practiced law. I am a huge movie and TV buff. I'm a computer geek. I like comics. I am not what you would call a "guy's guy". I don't get my hands dirty. I couldn't fix a car if I had to. I get my eyebrows waxed. I love the Gilmore Girls and Sex and the City. I would rather talk on the phone for hours than watch sports. I would rather stab myself in the eye than watch sports, to be honest.
I post on this here blog every day of the week. Most of my posts are humorous, although that may be a subjective opinion on my part. I try to reply to every single comment that I receive, and the 100th comment is just as important to me as the 1st. I'm also on Twitter and Facebook, but I think that Twitter makes lazy bloggers even lazier, and doesn't have the sense of community and togetherness that blogging does.
I have a very dark sense of humor, and I'm quite crude. I post naked pictures of myself, including in a Letter to my Body post that modeled the ones done by so many women through BlogHer last year. If you can't handle sarcasm, a healthy disregard for modern conventions, and infantile humor, you probably don't want to read me. I'm sure there's a nice righteous Christian blog that can help you be a better wife, SAHM to your fourteen children, and Palin 2012 supporter.
If you're coming to BlogHer, I'll be arriving on Wednesday afternoon and staying until late Sunday. If you have my cell phone, you can text me anytime. If you don't have my cell phone and would like the number, please say so in the comments and I'll email you. And if after all of this, you're still interested in meeting me, here are a few places where I know I'll be:
The panel is called: Vaginally challenged bloggers – the men of BlogHer. It's a panel BY men FOR women. We want to talk about your male readers – about our expectations, our interests, and our likes and dislikes when it comes to blogging and the blogs we frequent. Our panel will be moderated by the lovely, sarcastic, sharp tongued Miss Britt, and should prove to be entertaining for any of you who come.
If you're not enticed to come just to hear me, Jim, and Matthew speak and be scolded by Britt, maybe we can bribe you. The first 150 people in the room will get free swag! What other panel can promise that they're going to give you shit just for listening to them? Plus, if we get enough demand, I'll have to get on the table and do a strip tease.
For the attention deficit among you, that's Saturday, from 10:45 AM until 12:00 PM. And if you're still on the fence, here's why you should join me and my two dads instead of going to the other sessions running concurrently (should I mention that I mean this in good-natured fun?):
TravelBloggers as Boundary-Breaking Evangelists – The only thing that would be more boring than reading a travel blog would be listening to travel bloggers talk about how awesome they are.
Advanced Social Media, Syndication and Stats – "Social media" is one of the stupidest terms to join common usage. It's media. All media is fucking social.
Hope and Change in Action – Oh, look, women have changed the world. Amelia Earheart, Rosa Parks and Marie Curie called and said that you should wait until you do something real.
Blogging as a Homeschooling Tool – Yeah, those kids are going to be fucked up anyways. No point.
Women of Color and Marketing – Sorry, Kelly, but mine's going to be much cooler.
Geek Labs: Stats for Word Nerds, Twitter Basics: How and Why, Apache Servers Are Your Friend, .htaccess for Bloggers – C'mon people, read a fucking book or tutorial. And if you can't figure out Twitter with all of the explanations and videos out there, maybe you should just give up on using a computer.
2. Come hear my best friend speak about her vagina! On Friday, from 10:45 AM until noon, Britt will be co-hosting a panel about really personal blogging. It will without a doubt be the funniest, most entertaining panel there, and only losers would go to a different session during that time.
3. Parties – you'll be able to find me at the following shindigs:
People's Party – Thursday, 8:30-11 PM
Room 704 Party – Thursday, 10:30 PM – 12 AM
BlogHer Cocktail Party – Friday, 6:30 – 8:30 PM
MamaPopRocks – Friday, 10 PM – 12 AM
BlogHer Cocktail Party – Saturday, 6:30 – 8:30 PM
Cheeseburgher Party – Saturday, 10 PM – 12 AM
4. Registration Desk – From 7 AM until 10 AM on Friday and Saturday, I will be working at the BlogHer registration desk, helping get you registered for the conference.
5. Wherever Tanis, Casey and Kelly are. These three BlogHer veterans will help me survive the onslaught of estrogen by protecting me with their voluptuous breasts. Or so I hope.
If Spartacus: Blood and Sand spent as much money on writers as it does on body oil and penis shots, it would have a gazillion Emmys.about 7 hours agofrom Brizzly
This mild sunburn on the top of my head is evidence of massive ozone depletion and has nothing to do with me losing my hair on top. NOTHING.about 14 hours agofrom Brizzly
