As you are probably aware, Rio de Janeiro has been chosen as the location for the 2016 Olympics, beating out Chicago, Tokyo, and Madrid. Needless to say, Americans who care about the Olympics, and Chicagoans specifically, are extremely disappointed. I thought it might help with the disappointment if I could explain exactly why Chicago was overlooked for this important decision:

10. The Committee was worried about Rod Blagojevich trying to buy a gold medal.

9. With Obama, Chicago already has a big enough ego as it is.

8. In a town where they put the sauce on the outside of the pizza and tomatoes and cucumbers on their hot dogs, who knows what they'd feed the athletes?

7. Too close to Alaska and, by proxy, Sarah Palin, for the Committee's comfort.

6. Michael Phelps petitioned for Brazil because his dealer is in Venezuela.

5. Ninjas.

4. In Brazil, the poor people just kidnap the rich ones. In Chicago, they shoot them.

3. Alec Baldwin told the world that if Chicago didn't win, he would move to Canada.

2. "You win DAH gold" just doesn't have the same panache as "Tu ganas la medalla de oro". (Yes, I know that they speak Portuguese in Brazil, but I don't know Portuguese!)

1. The Committee loves chicks with dicks.