(Also, happy birthday to my friends Mew, ADW, and Stephanie!)
Posts Tagged ‘christmas’
Saint Nips
Friday, December 25th, 2009Twas the night
Thursday, December 24th, 2009Two years ago I wrote my own version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas". I thought I'd share it with you again:
Twas the night
With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore:
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my home,
there was no porn being watched, no stroking the bone;
The lotions and tissues, put away with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The dildos and buttplugs were snug in their beds,
While visions of dolphin porn danced in their heads;
And Amy in her pjs, and I in my bare ass,
Had just settled down and fallen asleep fast.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I opened and flashed,
And saw it was my neighbor, her face aghast.
I waved with both hands and a penis that was hard.
I was shutting the blinds as she called me a fucktard.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, looking drunk at the wheel,
"It's Santa Claus!" I said with a squeal.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled and slurred and called them by name;
"Now, Dasher! Now Dancsher, Now Prancsher and Viksshen!
On, Comet! On Kyoopid! On Donner and Blitzshen!
To the *hic* of the porsh! To the top of that wall!
Now *hic* away! Dash a*hic*! Dash away all!"
And then I heard him tinkling up on our roof
And a retching and vomiting and a sound like "BLARGHOOF".
As I grabbed a wreath and covered my crotch,
Down the chimney St. Nick came, smelling like Scotch.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot.
And he was covered in puke and ashes and soot.
A bag filled of toys spilled off his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes were bloodshot and his breath smelled like sherry,
His cheeks were bright red, his nose like a cherry!
His drooling mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as yellow snow.
The stub of a roach he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke reminded me of high school – 1993.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.
He was fat and wasted, a right jolly old bum,
And I laughed when I saw him, and offered some gum.
A shake of his head, and a flick of his arm,
The glint of a knife told me he meant me some harm.
"Get out of here, you old fucking drunk,
You smell like you just shit out a dead skunk!"
I grabbed a bat that was a present from my wife,
And smacked him in the face before I got stabbed with his knife.
He spoke not a word, but circled me quick,
And jabbed once, twice, the third causing a nick.
As I noticed the blood, I lashed out with my foot,
Catching his crotch, I heard a grunt and a toot.
He shook his fist and put his finger on his nose,
Gave me the other finger, and up the chimney he rose.
He stumbled to his sleigh, to his slaves he called,
And away they flew while he clutched his balls.
But I heard him exclaim as his sleigh became less visible,
"Merry Christmas to all except that fucker Avitable!"
Have you been naughty or nice?
Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009
It's almost Christmas, and Santa has been checking his list, trying to see who's getting coal and who's not. It's also time to steal a page from Snackie's book, and open up the comments for HOLIDAY CONFESSIONS!
Did you ever steal someone's present? Have you regifted? Have you ever masturbated into the punch at the company party?
You can confess whatever holiday-related (or not) sin you want, no matter how small or how momentous. Confess something that you'd never post on your own blog – you don't have to worry about your readers seeing it here. Confess something that you've just wanted to get off of your chest. Confess something that you don't really care about. If you want to leave your comment anonymously, make sure to change your email address, too, so that Gravatar doesn't pick up your avatar.
I'll start:
Confession #1: I have, on occasion, given presents to people that increased in value depending on how much I liked them.
Confession #2: One year, I, along with a few friends, roamed our neighborhood and the neighborhood next to ours and pulled out a few random bulbs on people's lights, causing all their lights to go out, stole candy canes or lighted bulbs that lined their walkways, and broke the floating lit up Christmas trees in the lake. I feel bad every time I think about it.
Confession #3: I figured out that there was no Santa when I was four, and I always delighted in the fact that my brother and sister took much, much longer to figure it out.
Confession #4: I would consider converting to Judaism just for the potato latkes.
Okay, it's your turn. Let's hear it!
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Wednesday, December 16th, 2009On the first day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
A brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the second day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the third day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Three bags of French roast,
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the fourth day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Four falling stocks,
Three bags of French roast,
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the fifth day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Five custom ringtones,
Four falling stocks,
Three bags of French roast,
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the sixth day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Six Blu-Ray players,
Five custom ringtones,
Four falling stocks,
Three bags of French roast,
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the seventh day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Seven friends a-tweeting,
Six Blu-Ray players,
Five custom ringtones,
Four falling stocks,
Three bags of French roast,
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the eighth day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Eight Apple iPhones,
Seven friends a-tweeting,
Six Blu-Ray players,
Five custom ringtones,
Four falling stocks,
Three bags of French roast,
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the ninth day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Nine IMAX tickets,
Eight Apple iPhones,
Seven friends a-tweeting,
Six Blu-Ray players,
Five custom ringtones,
Four falling stocks,
Three bags of French roast,
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the tenth day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Ten hi-def TVs,
Nine IMAX tickets,
Eight Apple iPhones,
Seven friends a-tweeting,
Six Blu-Ray players,
Five custom ringtones,
Four falling stocks,
Three bags of French roast,
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Eleven PCs crashing,
Ten hi-def TVs,
Nine IMAX tickets,
Eight Apple iPhones,
Seven friends a-tweeting,
Six Blu-Ray players,
Five custom ringtones,
Four falling stocks,
Three bags of French roast,
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
The internet sent to me
Twelve banks imploding,
Eleven PCs crashing,
Ten hi-def TVs,
Nine IMAX tickets,
Eight Apple iPhones,
Seven friends a-tweeting,
Six Blu-Ray players,
Five custom ringtones,
Four falling stocks,
Three bags of French roast,
Two swine flu shots,
And a brand new Nintendo Wii!
Click for larger version
Children's Gift Guide for People Who Hate Kids
Thursday, November 5th, 2009As everyone probably knows, with the exception of the children of a few friends, I hate your kids.
But that doesn't mean I don't have to buy gifts for them sometimes. I buy all the gifts in our household so I've had to figure out some good gifts to get for nieces and nephews and the kids of my friends. It can be a tricky minefield to navigate, though, so I wanted to put together a little "Dos" and "Don'ts" guide for those of you who hate kids but still have to buy gifts for them. If you want any of the items that are good gifts for kids, you can visit "Good For The Kids" and use the promotional code herekiddiekiddie to get 20% off through end of 2009 with no minimum order!
For a brand new baby:
Now, you might think that the best gift for an infant would be something to keep him or her occupied and quiet. Something like this:
It would seem like it could work perfectly, right? It's shiny, so the baby's eyes will be distracted, plus there's an end to stick in her mouth, and it's almost as long as a baby is tall, so it can act as a full body pillow, too. However, most parents would probably be displeased if you proffered this amazing gift to their infant. Instead, try this:
WubbaNub Soothie Pacifier - Blue Pony Horse
For only $12.99, this pacifier will allow a parent to distract her child for at least a few more minutes, giving them a little more precious time to use Twitter or booze it up.
For a toddler:
Once again, you would think that a great gift for a toddler would be something that would prevent his or her little hands from getting into everything. Something that could distract them and help stimulate their growing brains by teaching them problem solving techniques. A gift you might think of would be something like this:
Duct tape can be used to tape arms and legs to walls or chairs, and a small piece can even be used over mouths. The high adhesion level of duct tape can teach children about persistence and they can use ingenuity to find sharp edges to cut themselves free. While this seems like the perfect gift, apparently it's not. Instead, try this:
Melissa and Doug Classic Shape Sorting Cube
For only $14,99, this classic shape sorting cube can teach toddlers about pattern recognition, shapes, and advanced physics. Plus, once their arms get a bit stronger, the shapes are the perfect size and weight for hurling across the room right into Mommy's face, giving her a black eye!
For pre-schoolers:
The preschooler has a hard road ahead of him or her. Newly potty trained, about to start going to class with a bunch of strangers, getting pushed into trying to read letters – this can be a lot of stress! Stress can result in intestinal distress and blockages that can result in illness. So what better gift could you possibly give to a preschooler than this:
But nooooo on the enema. Parents don't want their three year-old sticking tubing in their ass and pumping it full of warm water. Who knows why not? Parents make some crazy decisions in today's world. Maybe, instead of an enema, you could get them something like this:
Melissa and Doug Make-Your-Own Monster Puppet
A Make Your Own Monster Puppet can teach kids valuable creative skills, plus they can learn about anatomy. Monster arms, legs, and presumably a huge monster penis to attach! And if there's no penis, you can make your own out of a sock filled with paper.
For elementary school aged kids:
Kids aged 4-8 are naturally curious. They'll get their hands into everything they can, and they'll poke, prod, feel, touch, and explore as much as possible. Your best bet is to feed that curiosity, especially with a gift like this:
You'd think that giving a child a tool to learn about pregnancy, oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal intercourse, while also giving them plenty of surfaces and orifices to touch and experiment with, would be perfect. It's not. Instead, try this:
Melissa and Doug Role Play Police Officer Dress-Up Costume
Your child's natural curiosity can now be met by dressing up as a figure of authority and telling other children to disrobe so that they can play police AND doctor. See? Multitasking and roleplaying are two additional skills that he or she can learn.
What other gifts can you get for all of those despised children? Check out "Good For The Kids" and use the promotional code herekiddiekiddie to get 20% off through end of 2009 with no minimum order!
Liquid ass fire
Saturday, December 27th, 2008For someone who's a control freak with a few other proclivities, there are a few things that make trips stressful.
First, just staying in someone else's home isn't really that fun. Even if they have a comfortable house, it's still not your home. At least with a hotel, you have your own place that you're paying for. And when your room contains a full-size bed which needs to house one normal person, one large gorilla, and a medium-sized dog, it's hard to get a good night's sleep. But that's okay, because your snoring, which sounds like fourteen thousand rusty industrial saws cutting down fourteen thousand chain link fences, manages to keep everyone else up. Even if everyone has earplugs in. Until, of course, you get banished to the loft on the other side of the house where you get to sleep on an air mattress in a huge empty room with lots of little crawlspace doors and you keep dreaming that there are evil trolls behind those doors who are going to quietly open them up and stab you to death while you sleep.
Secondly, you're at the mercy of the owner's technological failings. For example, a large house that only has DSL in one room without any wireless possibilities presents serious obstacles to someone like myself who likes to stay online all day long. This issue is easily resolved by purchasing a Wireless Router for $80 and setting it up for free for the owners. Even if you don't really tell them that you're doing it. And even if their Mac stops working as a result and you have to work on it for a while just to get them back to the caveman-way of life to which they are accustomed.
Finally, as someone who refuses to use public bathrooms at all, I dread using one in someone else's home. It's almost as bad, but I'm able to handle it. I know, I'm quite the adventurous soul.
But you know what makes it all that much worse?
Liquid fire pouring from your ass every hour.
Am I home yet?
It's Santastic!
Thursday, December 25th, 2008Merry Christmas, everybody.
The inevitable unavailability of Avitable
Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008Tomorrow we leave for Charlotte, North Carolina. (Well, actually, a tiny one-horse burg named Lincolnton). I rented a Lincoln Navigator for the drive, which should be nice and relaxing.
I'm bringing the laptop, but I'm not sure if (a) I'll actually have internet and (b) how much super happy family fun time will be scheduled. So my time online will probably be rather limited, and I'll likely be marking everybody's blogs as "read" and commenting nowhere and not replying to my own comments. But it's Christmas, so you'll forgive me. Or else.
I'll still be on Twitter, and will be available by my cell phone for those of you who are so privileged.
In the meantime, even though we don't have an episode of Clearly, You're Retarded tomorrow night, I've created a page on Facebook for people who listen to the show. If you want, you can go here to become a fan of the show.
And for those of you who didn't go over to Tracy's to see my guest post, I'm reposting the photo here just for you:
Christmas Card
Monday, December 22nd, 2008This was going to be the Christmas card I sent out this year, but I decided against it. It just felt too hackneyed to me (click to enlarge):
The one I actually sent will get posted after Christmas sometime, once everybody's received theirs. On Thursday, I finally finished the card design and mailed out 275 cards across the US and Canada, also reaching the UK, Australia, and the Philippines. And by "I mailed out", I mean I provided a company with the image for the card, an address book, and let them print the cards, add stamps, and mail them for me. It's the thought that counts, though.
Also, thanks to Heather for the delicious-looking chocolate pecan pie (and gift!) that arrived on Friday. I haven't had a chance to eat it yet, but I plan on consuming the entire thing in the immediate future. You are awesome!
