Posts Tagged ‘Church of Holy Avitableness’

Have you been naughty or nice?

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

It's almost Christmas, and Santa has been checking his list, trying to see who's getting coal and who's not. It's also time to steal a page from Snackie's book, and open up the comments for HOLIDAY CONFESSIONS!

Did you ever steal someone's present? Have you regifted? Have you ever masturbated into the punch at the company party?

You can confess whatever holiday-related (or not) sin you want, no matter how small or how momentous. Confess something that you'd never post on your own blog – you don't have to worry about your readers seeing it here. Confess something that you've just wanted to get off of your chest. Confess something that you don't really care about. If you want to leave your comment anonymously, make sure to change your email address, too, so that Gravatar doesn't pick up your avatar.

I'll start:

Confession #1: I have, on occasion, given presents to people that increased in value depending on how much I liked them.

Confession #2: One year, I, along with a few friends, roamed our neighborhood and the neighborhood next to ours and pulled out a few random bulbs on people's lights, causing all their lights to go out, stole candy canes or lighted bulbs that lined their walkways, and broke the floating lit up Christmas trees in the lake. I feel bad every time I think about it.

Confession #3: I figured out that there was no Santa when I was four, and I always delighted in the fact that my brother and sister took much, much longer to figure it out.

Confession #4: I would consider converting to Judaism just for the potato latkes.

Okay, it's your turn. Let's hear it!

Unburden your soul

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

Church of Holy Avitableness

As most of you know, I have my own church – The Church of Holy Avitableness.

We don't do mass. There's no collection plate. We don't have a church building. There are no vestments. I don't even have a Holy Book!

What we do have, though, is CONFESSION.

It's good for the soul. It's good for the heart. It's downright good for you.

And today on Avitable.com is Confession Day.

Today's comments are for confessions. You don't have to be specific. You can log out and confess as Anonymous. You can confess whatever sin you want, no matter how small or how momentous. Confess something that you'd never post on your own blog – you don't have to worry about your readers seeing it here. Confess something that you've just wanted to get off of your chest. Confess something that you don't really care about. You can make it a general confession about a sin, or you can make it a specific confession to a specific person who can remain nameless or be named.

It doesn't matter. Just confess.

I'll start:

Confession #1:

I totally stole this idea from Hilly.

Confession #2:

I once killed a koi pond full of fish by dumping gasoline in it, when I was a kid.

Confession #3:

I probably think I'm better than you.

Okay, it's your turn. Let's hear it!

Avitapope in the house

Friday, February 22nd, 2008

Church of Holy Avitableness

As most of you know, I have my own church – The Church of Holy Avitableness.

We don't do mass. There's no collection plate. We don't have a church building. There are no vestments. I don't even have a Holy Book!

What we do have, though, is CONFESSION.

It's good for the soul. It's good for the heart. It's downright good for you.

And today on Avitable.com is Confession Day.

Today's comments are for confessions. You don't have to be specific. You can log out and confess as Anonymous. You can confess whatever sin you want, no matter how small or how momentous. Confess something that you'd never post on your own blog – you don't have to worry about your readers seeing it here. Confess something that you've just wanted to get off of your chest. Confess something that you don't really care about. You can make it a general confession about a sin, or you can make it a specific confession to a specific person who can remain nameless or be named.

It doesn't matter. Just confess.

I'll start:

Confession #1:

When I worked at a video store, and later at a mall movie store, I stole over 400 VHS tapes for my own personal movie collection. At the movie store, I would have a friend come in with my list of movies, plus a few for himself, and he'd pull them from the shelves, come over to the cash register, where I would pretend to ring him out, scan the movies so they wouldn't set off the security, and then put them in a bag with a fake paper receipt, and he'd walk out. At the video store, I would take movies off of the shelves, delete them from the system, and then put them in my bag that I would take with me at the end of the night.

Confession #2:

I like to lie to the Burger King people and tell them that they forgot to give me a Hershey's Sundae Pie last time I went through the drive-through, and they always give me one for free.

Confession #3:

I am very guilty of envying other people's possessions and success, and I will typically try to do whatever I can to reach the same level or take them down a notch to my level.

Okay, it's your turn. Let's hear it!

AvitaWeek 2008: Chocorrito

Thursday, January 24th, 2008

If you've read my proclamation over at the Church of Holy Avitableness, you may have seen this edict:

There are no rituals or ceremonies other than blogging for a normal parishioner of the COHA. However, if one wishes to become a Minister of Avitableness, there are three requirements:

1. Consume the holy communion. Forged from compressed and processed materials, the communion of the COHA consists of a microwaveable beef and cheese burrito heated to perfection and coated in refrigerated Hershey's chocolate syrup. The communion must be eaten with gusto. Lip smacks must abound.

Faithful readers from years past will also recall the discussion of delicious chocolate-covered burritos in these posts:

I've heard doubt, disgust, and disbelief. A few people made the valid point that I honestly haven't eaten one of these delicacies since I was in high school, which was 13 years ago.

So, for day four of AvitaWeek 2008, I decided to go ahead and show just how awesome and delicious a chocolate-covered burrito (or chocorrito, as I have now named them) can be!

This is one video you do not want to miss:

Here's the direct link from Youtube.

And don't forget! My birthday is in three days, and it's not too late to send me naked pictures of yourself or some other type of awesome gift! You can even check my wishlists if you want to actually spend your hard earned cash on spoiling me.

Last, but not least, for the "Guess Which Part" contest, here are the correct answers:

1. That is, indeed, my right butt cheek.
2. The bottom of my horrible, horrible foot.
3. My left knee.
4. Yup – most of you guessed it. That's my testicle.
5. Gorilla chest.
6. A shoulder.
7. My stomach – can't you see the happy trail?

I don't think anyone actually guessed all of them correctly. Thanks for playing!

Easter at my church

Saturday, April 7th, 2007

A reading from the book of Avitable:

And when the sixth hour was come, there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour.

And at the ninth hour JC cried with a loud voice, saying "Holy God that hurts!" He was mocked and given laughter instead of treatment.

After this, JC knowing that his project would not yet be accomplished, that this script would not be fulfilled, said, "Oh, shit."

When JC therefore heard the laughter, he said "It is finished:" and he fell over and gave up the ghost.

For those of us who listen to the Church of Holy Avitableness, Easter is a time of remembrance and celebration around the death and subsequent resurrection of JC, which stands, of course, for John Candy.

Every year, on Easter weekend, we gather around the multiplexes and await the sign of his return. Whether it is "The Great Outdoors 2", "Uncle Buck's Back", "Planes, Trains, Automobiles and Monorails", or even "Who's Harry Crumb This Time?", we will faithfully await the sign of his return, which will usher in a new era of laughter to this world.

Followers of the Church of Holy Avitableness are encouraged to gorge themselves this weekend. Consume massive amounts of chocolate, in the form of bunnies, Cadbury Creme Eggs, Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, or chocolate statues of JC. Eat cheeseburgers by the bucket and consume massive amounts of liquor in celebration of our apostle, JC.

May peace be with all of you fuckers. Praise be to me.


And don't forget! Go vote for me, or you will rot in Avitahell for all eternity!