Tag Archives: comedy

Ninety Minutes of Avitable: My Storytelling Show

In January, I told you about the amazing opportunity I had in Melbourne, where the owner of Open Mike’s gave me an hour and a half to just tell stories. Like an autobiographical one-man show, this was a chance for me to branch out from comedy a little and see if I could be interesting and entertaining beyond being shocking and telling dick jokes.

You be the judge. I’ll say that the first half is rougher than the second half, because I had no idea what I was doing, but in the end, I’m proud of this as my first effort, and can’t wait for another opportunity to bring this unique show to life in another venue. Next time you have 90 minutes and want to listen to someone talk about marriage, divorce, death, affairs, love, loss, pain, depression, anxiety, happiness, and comedy, I present to you “Tales From The Avitable Camp For Wayward Women.” Thanks to John Sluder for shooting it, Mike Della Cioppa for letting me perform, and David Alan and Em Strange for performing!

How Hollywood’s Favorite Juice Bar Owner Really Eats Every Day

Elle.com posted this article last year about Amanda Chantal Bacon, founder and owner of the popular Los Angeles juice bar Moon Juice, and her exotic diet. In the interest of journalistic integrity, I talked to her again, nine months later, so see if her diet has changed.

Her original diet, in italics, will be followed by her updated diet today.

Upon Waking: Photo courtesy of Elle

Original: “I usually wake up at 6:30am, and start with some Kundalini meditation and a 23-minute breath set—along with a copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea—before my son Rohan wakes.”

Today: “When the alarm goes off at 6:30am, I have another one set for 6:33, and then 6:38, and then finally I wake up at 7:30am, scream ‘HOLY SHIT ROHAN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE’ and grab a Pop Tart as we run out the door.”

Pre-Breakfast. Photo courtesy of Elle

Original: “At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink on my way to the school drop off, drunk in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter, and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity, and libido- boosting powers of Brain Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin. I throw ho shou wu and pearl in as part of my beauty regime. I chase it with three quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy.”

Today: “I’m going ninety down the wrong way on a one-way street, and I gulp down the remnants of Rohan’s juice box, which was mostly drunk in the car. It has like a jillion calories and tastes like pure sugar. I chase that with a stale package of crackers that I found under the seat looking for Rohan’s fucking shoe which he managed to lose between getting in the car and being put in his carseat. I hork down six kids’ gummy vitamins for energy and whatever too.”

Breakfast. Photo courtesy of Elle

Original: “At 9:30am, I drink 16 ounces of unsweetened, strong green juice, which is my alkalizer, hydrator, energizer, source of protein and calcium, and overall mood balancer. It’s also my easy, ‘lazy,’ and delicious skin regime. I also take three tablespoons of bee pollen. I love Moon Juice’s soft and chewy bee pollen—it’s a creamy, candy-like treat that gives me my daily B-vitamin blast, and also helps feed my skin and aids hormone production. I’ll also grab a handful of activated cashews. I try to get these in every day for their brain chemistry magic. I chase this with a shot of pressed turmeric root in freshly squeezed grapefruit juice.”

Today: “At 9:30am, I drink 16 ounces of whatever Starbucks’ seasonal drink is, providing the mood balancing I need to not rip everyone’s heads off. I used to take three tablespoons of bee pollen, but now I just chug a little honey from one of those honey bears, and then I grab a handful of chocolate-covered Teddy Grahams. I try to eat a few each day just because I love biting their fucking heads off and pretending they’re real.”

Lunch photo courtesy Elle

Original: “For lunch, I had zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon, with green tea on the side. This is such an easy, elegant, and light meal. I made this while on a phone meeting before heading out for the rest of the work day. I often alternate this with my other lunch staple: a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts. This is my version of a taco, and it’s insanely delicious. These ingredients are all pantry staples, so I eat some version of this everyday. It’s probiotic-rich with the cultured veggies, and deeply mineralizing thanks to the sea vegetables, and the avocado nourishes the brain and hormones. It’s awesomely satiating and takes 45 seconds to compile. I usually make this while standing, working with someone, simultaneously emailing and definitely texting. I know the right answer would be to sit down and take 10 minutes to eat, but that doesn’t happen for lunch, ever.”

Today: “For lunch, I eat a salad that I made while on the phone at home, so basically it just ended up being celery and Ranch dressing. Sometimes, though, I’ll alternate this with one of Rohan’s Lunchables, because I didn’t have time to make anything. It’s awesomely sodium-packed and I can demolish one in about 45 seconds, usually while standing, working with someone, emailing, texting, and spitting parts of it at the person I’m talking to. I usually also reconsider why I named my son Rohan.”

Snack. Photo courtesy of Elle

Original: “If I’m home around 3pm, I always reach for coconut yogurt with cardamom, dried figs, walnuts, and apricots from a weekend farm visit—and a chunk of raw dark chocolate. I ferment big batches of coconut yogurt and make big batches of raw chocolate spiked with maca and any other medicinal herb I’m focusing on. It’s easy to do, and makes for potent, fast snack food throughout the month.”

Today: “If I’m home around 3pm, I’m usually fucking starving. All of the good food is gone – goddamnit, Rohan – so I curse his name while I search for something with a little boost to wake me up. I can usually find some chocolate left over from Halloween that I put up high enough that Rohan can’t reach. I’M STILL IN CHARGE ROHAN!”

Snack 2. Photo courtesy of Elle

Original: “Today I also called into Moon Juice and got some ‘drive through.’ Work doesn’t keep me in the shop like it used to. Sadly I’m always on the go and running late, so I usually call in a mid-workday curbside pick-up. I grabbed a mint chip hemp milk with double servings of maca and sprouted brown rice protein, sweetened with stevia, as well as two Goodness Greens juices.”

Today: “I’m so fucking sick of juice – why did I open that stupid juice bar? I usually just get a milkshake at Chick fil-A and chug it before my employees see me.”

Dinner. Photo courtesy Elle

Original: “I had an early, pre-yoga dinner at Shima in Abbot Kinney, which is my 3-year-old’s favorite restaurant. I had a seaweed salad with micro cilantro and daikon, and a delicate broth of mushrooms and herbs.”

Today: “I snagged two of Rohan’s chicken nuggets at McDonald’s, his favorite restaurant, before that fucker could eat all of them. That should tide me over through yoga.”

Fitness. Photo courtesy Elle

Original: “From 7 to 9pm, I went to my Kundalini yoga class at Rama Yoga in Venice, with my go-to teacher, Harijiwan.”

Today: “Went in to drop Rohan off at home with the nanny and made the mistake of sitting on the bed for a second. Fell asleep and missed yoga. Fuck.”

Dessert. Photo courtesy Elle

Original: “My son and I make a batch of almond milk and vanilla chia pudding for the next morning at bedtime. We like to have cups of it before it’s totally done, when it’s more like chia milk.”

Today: “I change the clocks in the house and tell Rohan it’s time for bed an hour earlier than normal, and then I drink a bottle of wine.

Before Bed. Photo courtesy Elle

Original: “At 11pm, I had a nightcap of heart tonic and raw chocolate made from one of my big batches—this one was made with our Moon Pantry heirloom raw cacao, reishi and Chaga mushroom, sprouted brown rice protein, and coconut oil. I love chocolate—and on some evenings, I don’t want to deny the indulgence—so I’ve devised a million low glycemic recipes.”

Today: “If the wine doesn’t put me to sleep, I’ll usually chase it with an Ambien and a Klonopin. That makes me hungry, though, so I’ll indulge with some of those generic cheese-coated balls that come in that giant plastic jar that I throw at Rohan to get him to give me some fucking peace. It’s worth it to wake up coated in orange dust.”

Original article by Victoria Dawson Hoff. Photos taken without permission from Elle. This is a parody. Duh.


This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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Party prep 101: Avitable’s 39th Birthday Squanch

Tomorrow, on January 30th, I am throwing a birthday party at my house. My parties are infamous, and I love throwing a good debaucherous affair. I thought I would take a minute and pass on some tips for throwing the perfect soirée.

Here is a simple pre-party checklist that should make your life easier next time you’re having a little get-together:

  • Empty each trash can. Place 3-4 folded new trashbags in the bottom of each can, and then put a new bag in the can properly. This will save time when you have to change the trash throughout the night. This will really suck if someone takes an empty trash can and pukes in it, though.
  • Restock all bathrooms with toilet paper. Add a note next to the bathroom trashcan that reminds your guests to please use the trash for all used tampons, condoms, torn panties, and accidental babies.
  • Buy bottled water. Give each guest a bottle of water as they leave for the night so that they can stay hydrated and not be too inebriated. Print a small label to stick to each bottle that states “By accepting this bottle and exiting my house, you are hereby agreeing that I have no legal liability for any stupid decisions you make while drunk, including driving, voting, texting your ex, having sex with your ex, getting your ex pregnant, or posting on Instagram.”
  • Buy more food than you think you’ll need. It’s always a good idea to have more chips and dip than you think people will eat, because there will be spillage, waste, and drunken gluttony. In addition, when you’re faced with the prospect of cleaning up the next morning, you can just say the hell with it and eat chips and dip before setting your house on fire and calling it a day.
  • Pay your vendors when they arrive. There’s nothing more awkward than being drunk at your own party at the end of the night and having your vendors standing around waiting for you to remember where you left your pants, and then those vendors send their pimp Fitty Tree Knuckles in to beat the piss out of you because “dese hos gots to be paid.” I mean, vendors. Not hookers. Vendors.
  • Be ready on time. If you start your party at 9, make sure that you’ve done all your finishing touches by 8:59. It’s proper decorum and you know that there will be that one dorky guy named Clarence who shows up at 9 PM sharp because he doesn’t understand proper fuckin’ etiquette, and he’s probably just been looking in your window since 8:30 because he doesn’t understand how to use a GPS either.
  • Moderate your drinking. If you’re the host, be a host. Drink water between drinks, avoid more than two keg stands, and don’t let yourself pass out until after the last guest has either left or fallen asleep in the pool. It’s an unwritten rule that if the host passes out first, every guest gets to steal something from your closet, box of sex toys, or pantry.
  • Don’t stress! The fun of having a party and celebrating whatever you’re celebrating – birthday, equinox, a day that ends in y, your new shipment from Bath and Body Works arriving, whatever – can be overshadowed by the stress of preparing for it. Keep in mind that your guests won’t notice if the floor isn’t sparkling clean, or if the shower is still damp. You want to tidy, but pretty soon you’re going to have 50-150 drunk obnoxious fuckers tracking everything from mud to oh my god is that dog shit through your house, spilling drinks places like in your washing machine and behind your couch and across your wall, and leaving bodily fluids everywhere. So, fuck ’em if the house isn’t 100% perfect. It’s your party and you’ll do what you want to.

If you live in the Central Florida and I know who you are and don’t think you’re a total dickbag, you can come to my party tomorrow! Bring a bottle of booze, bacon, beer, or boobs, and celebrate my birthday in the raucous, immature style to which I’m accustomed. See you Saturday!


This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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Storytelling at Open Mike’s in Melbourne: How did it go?

Storytelling with comedian Adam Avitable

What a night.

What an

amazing
fabulous
overwhelming
intense
powerful
seductive
terrifying
inspiring
transformative
motivating
fantastic
enthralling
beautiful

night.

Comedian Adam Avitable in Melbourne

When you’re on stage as a comedian, it’s easy to gauge the audience’s reaction to your material. Laughter is the clear and undeniable barometer of success. Silence is a ringing gong.

But in storytelling, it’s so goddamned subtle. It might not be until later that you realize that nobody was talking, or looking at their phones, or doing anything other than sitting and watching. The silence in your pauses,  not filled with idle chatter or conversation, was matched by theirs, as they waited for whatever you were going to say next. You didn’t hear them rustling in their seats or see them cast sideways glances at the time.

Last night was my first time doing something like this. Ninety minutes (with a fifteen-minute break for intermission or escape, depending on how the first half went) of storytelling – a one-man autobiographical show. I had some notes, and some key stories that I wanted to tell, but I avoided structure and rigidity on purpose. And it was terrifying, standing there, telling deeply personal stories (I probably should have changed the names, gotta remember to bleep those out when I post the video) about my life, to a bunch of a strangers who had no reason to care.

I exited the stage after the first forty-five minute session tentatively, so unsure what just occurred. The response, to put it mildly, was positive. The audience not only enjoyed it, they wanted to stay for the rest. They were intrigued and wanted to talk to me about the stories I’d just shared. They wanted more.

The second session was more balanced than the first because I was more balanced, with a little more grasp on what I wanted to say. For the latter forty-five minutes, I threaded humor, as well as background peeks into the genesis of some of my material, with more serious stories about depression and suicide. I spoke slowly, with deep breaths, trying not to break down, as I talked about loss and pain. Watching people cry and then laugh, paying rapt attention to every word, was inspiring.  It was a singularly transformative and eye-opening night.

It’s only now that I see the real value of what we do on stage. It’s not about making people laugh. It’s about making people feel. Using our words evocatively to get emotional reactions from the audience can be an amazing experience for both the performer and those listening. I never would have tried this if I hadn’t been offered the opportunity, and now that I’ve done it, I can’t wait to do it again!


This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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The best and worst things audiences can say to comedians after a show

I’m sitting here with my buddy, comedian Mike Brocki, who’s in town from Charleston. The conversation always turns to comedy – best shows, worst venues, terrible comedians, and, of course, the positive and negative things that we hear from audience members  after a show that make us hate the world with a dragony Sean Connery-voiced passion or love the world with a James-Bondy Sean Connery-fueled passion.

Here are the worst things any audience member can say to a comedian after a show (along with our replies):

  • Here’s a joke my uncle tells. Maybe you can use it in your skit.
    If I wanted to tell a bunch of hacky racist jokes, I’d just listen to MY uncle. And it’s not called a skit. It’s a set. A SET.
  • I liked the one you told about [wrong joke].
    Maybe if you hadn’t been on your phone the whole night, you wouldn’t have confused my material with the one told by the skinny gay black comedian.
  • My girlfriend thought you were great.
    I’d say that at least one of you has taste, but then again, she’s dating YOU.
  • Just keep at it.
    Thanks, Dad.
  • You should watch [famous comedian] and try to do what he does.
    Yeah?  You think I should do that instead of watch the audience and see how they respond to my material and adjust it accordingly? It all makes sense now!
  • Will you take my photo with the other comedian?
    No. I hope you drive your car into a concrete embankment at high speeds.
  • [after complimenting everyone else] Hey, you weren’t bad either.
    I hope you’re in the car too.
  • You shouldn’t say that [offensive word or touchy topic].
    You shouldn’t say THAT.
  • What’s your real job?
    What’s a job?
  • My friends tell me I’m hilarious.
    They’re wrong.
  • If you could follow me around, you would have so much material.
    No, I wouldn’t. Your life is NOTHING.
  • Do you write your own material?
    Yes. I also tie my own shoes and wipe my own ass.
  • Do you validate parking?
    I hope you’re in the car with the other two.
  • If I did comedy, I would just say whatever comes into my head.
    Yes. Please do that. I want to see it. I’ll bring the popcorn.
  • I wasn’t heckling, I was trying to help.
    No, you were trying to impress your friends with your wit, failing miserably, and becoming a contender for Douchebag of the Year. Helping would have been sitting there, watching the material I’ve spent years working on, and either laughing or not laughing. I don’t care which.
  • Do you get paid for this?
    Not nearly enough to deal with you.

And the best things any audience member can say to a comedian after a show (along with our replies):

  • Great job!
    Thank you!
  • I really enjoyed it!
    Thank you!
  • You were really funny!
    Thank you!
  • Can I buy some of your merchandise?
    Yes!
  • Will you have sex with my wife while I watch?
    Not again! But sure!
  • I want to come back and bring my friends.
    Awesome!
  • You remind me of [good famous comedian].
    Thank you!
  • I didn’t realize how funny people could be even if they’re not famous?
    Yup!
  • Would you like a blowjob?
    Always!
  • I was having a shitty day and you made my day.
    Fantastic!
  • I’m so glad I came out tonight.
    Me too!

Keep this in mind to ensure that you have a great comedy-going experience and don’t end up driving into a concrete embankment! Right, Mike?

Mike Brocki, 2015's South Carolina's Funniest Comedian


This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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