Posts Tagged ‘contests’

I have lazy-brained readers. Oh, and there are prizes.

Friday, September 12th, 2008

Last week, I wrote a post that made you use your brains. And most of you lazy fuckers did what I expected – said your brain hurt and didn't bother putting in the effort to think. However, a select few of you stepped up to the plate and came up with with a brand new word (by adding, deleting, or changing one letter from an existing dictionary word) and definition.

I was going to pick the best one and give that person a T-shirt from my Zazzle store, but I'm having a hard time deciding between the finalists.

I've got it narrowed down to my six favorites. Use the comments to vote and tell me which one you like the best so I can give away this T-shirt already! Here are your choices:

1. Kindergarter – Suggestive lingerie for kindergartners. (From Coal Miner's Granddaughter)

2. Flexicography – Making up words for use in Scrabble. (From Danalyn)

3. Chickpee – Group of women convening in the restroom to discuss their dates. (From Val)

4. Crudit – When your credit isn't worth the crap on the bottom of your shoes. (From Always Home and Uncool)

5. Trampage – When a person runs through sexual partners like a runaway train. (From Miss Britt)

6. Penid – A penis that is not as large in reality as it is in the owner's mind. (From Me!)


I also did a video post last Saturday where I tried a bacon chocolate candy bar, and I said that I'd choose a random commenter to get an extra bacon bar.

That winner is Laurin, from "Laurin and Kelly Talk"! Congratulations, and email me at my first name (adam) at my last name (avitable) dot com so that I can mail you your prize.


Finally, we're only 12 raffle tickets away from our goal. They're only $7 each, and you could win a free T-shirt or even a round-trip ticket to Orlando! The raffle is only open for one more week, so if you're going to buy a ticket, now's the time!

Who is the ticket for?

(If the button doesn't appear, click here.)

And, of course, you can visit http://www.avitable.com/neverwas for up-to-date information about the Halloween party in less than six weeks.

Have a good weekend and may weasels not feast on your innards while you sleep.

The Big Winnah

Sunday, August 17th, 2008

Thanks to everyone who entered my final Lazy Sunday contest last week. Today, you can find out the answer and who the big winner!

First, see how you did by viewing this Google spreadsheet.

Next, here are the questions and answers:

1. Have you ever pretended to be your girlfriend or boyfriend's dad?
Ferris Bueller pretends to be Sloane's dad in the beginning of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

2. Would you ever cut one of your friends on purpose?
Stu and Billy Loomis cut each other in "Scream".

3. Where's the worst place you've ever gone without a weapon or Backup?
Backup is the name of Veronica Mars's dog.

4. Are you afraid of tollbooths?
Monk may be afraid of many things, but Sonny Corleone in "The Godfather" is really the one who should fear tollbooths.

5. Have you ever worn OR scrubs?
"These are OR scrubs." "O, R they?" From "Rushmore".

6. What do you do with a smell that won't come out?
Many of you guessed properly that this is the BO car episode from "Seinfeld."

7. Don't you hate when nobody will acknowledge you or talk to you?
Bruce Willis's character barely noticed that he was being ignored in "The Sixth Sense".

8. Can you fly a plane? Does anyone know?
"I didn't know you could fly a plane." "Fly, yes. Land, no!" Great line from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade".

9. Do you fight with your wife or husband and in-laws non-stop during Christmas?
The keyword in this is "non-stop", and a few of you correctly guessed "The Ref", which is all about the fighting and nothing else.

10. Have you ever burned something valuable that wasn't yours?
The Joker only burned his half of the money. Rene Russo's Catherine Banning burned a Monet belonging to Thomas Crown in "The Thomas Crown Affair."

11. Has anybody ever shot you with a BB pistol?
The only person I can remember who has been shot with a BB pistol, not a BB gun or rifle, is John Candy's security guard character in "National Lampoon's Vacation".

12. Can you go to the bathroom if someone is listening?
Eliot Reid cannot go to the bathroom when anyone is nearby, listening, or talking to her on "Scrubs".

13. Have you ever bought the very last hot dog from a hot dog stand?
I don't think anybody got this. Tina Fey's Liz Lemon bought all of the remaining hot dogs in the series premiere of "30 Rock".

14. Would you kiss a toaster?
Toaster is a pejorative term for the Cylon invaders from "Battlestar Galactica", and many of the humans have indeed kissed them.

15. Do you like gladiator movies?
What could this be other than "Airplane!"

Here's how I chose the winner:

First, I entered everyone's answers into a spreadsheet, giving 1 point for each correct answer and 0 points for each wrong answer. The total number of points equaled the person's "raffle tickets" for the drawing.

Then I created a randomized list using Random.org of every "raffle ticket" – basically each person's name was repeated as many times as they had right answers. This gave me a random list of 100 entries.

Finally, using Random.org again, I asked it to generate a random integer between 1 and 100. It chose #10.

#10 is my winner.

(drumroll please)

Congratulations to Hello haha narf for being out final Lazy Sunday contest winner!

You win an Avitable prize pack containing the following:

  • A "Viva El Avitable" T-shirt in whatever size and color you want.
  • A six-pack of Avitable condoms.
  • An autographed drawing by me, of anything you want.
  • An iPod shuffle.
  • A $25 Amazon.com or iTunes gift certificate.
  • A guest post on your blog by me.
  • A one-night hotel stay in Altamonte Springs for the night of the Halloween party on November 1st. If you cannot come to the party, you can get an additional $25 Amazon.com or iTunes gift certificate instead.

Congratulations! Email me to confirm the details.

To everyone else, thank you for playing. It's been fun, and keep reading on Sundays, as I might come back with occasional trivia contests and other fun stuff.

Puntabulous Debate

Monday, March 17th, 2008

Craig over at Puntabulous emailed me and said that he heard I was a master debater. I told him that he needed to clean out his ears, because I'm actually Der Masturbator. (It's an honorary award in Germany given only to those men who can stroke their schnitzel with high levels of skill and endurance.)

Notwithstanding the misunderstanding, we decided to go ahead and do a debate anyways. Craig has debated Bossy, Jester, and Miss Britt, among other worthy competitors, and I was honored to be the latest.

So, go on over there and vote for me! (It won't be posted until the morning, so if you're reading this at midnight, you're going to have to check it out later.)

And don't forget about yesterday's contest – you can win a Logitech webcam! Contest ends tomorrow at midnight EST.

Lazy Sunday XXX

Sunday, March 9th, 2008



It's time for another Lazy Sunday and another contest, and today's prize is the winner's choice of No Country for Old Men, Hitman, or Bee Movie!

Just like last week, everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy!

It's very simple. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. You have two chances to comment with your answers.

Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera.

After the contest ends Monday at midnight EST, I'll pick a name from the hat and the winner gets to choose their prize!

I've tried to make it slightly more Google-proof, although some of them are easily found if you're lazy. Otherwise, it should be simple, but if you have any questions, just ask in the comments.


Stole this from Poppy again:

1. How many siblings do you have?
Well, there's my brother Nick. He's an asshole. Then my brother Tommy and my sister Nancy. They're okay. Then we've got Mary, who's a bit of a slut, and three other sisters I can't even remember their names.

2. Are you shy around the opposite sex?
Only if I'm in love with a woman who I know is my density.

3. Do you own any band t-shirts?
Just the one from when I saw The Lone Rangers.

4. What is your favorite salad dressing?
I don't eat salad. My wife, though, she uses Vaseline.

5. Do you read for fun?
Yup – especially if it's a Sheldon novel.

6. Do you cry a lot?
No. I know why you cry. It's not something I can ever do, though.

7. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
Nah. I have this awesome pie I can eat and lose weight drastically.

8. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
I have an HP WOPR 5600.

9. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo?
Yeah, I want one on my back that says "Sweet".

10. What is the weather like?
It's fine except for that fog that turns people inside out.

11. Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Sure! I once had sex with The Conundrum.

12. Is sex before marriage wrong?
Yes. So is dancing and rock music.

13. When was the last time you slept on the floor?
I only sleep sitting up in a chair next to my bed.

14. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
As long as it's in 20 minute increments, it doesn't matter.

15. Are your days full and fast-paced?
Recently it's been busy as we prepare for our show in Alice Springs.

Orlando survived . . . barely.

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

karlkatiekev_small.gif

Last night, I had the pleasure of meeting Karl from Secondhand Tryptophan and Kevin from Kapgar, along with his lovely wife Katie. We met over at Downtown Disney and headed over to the Raglan Road Irish Pub for a great dinner. Britt was going to join us, but she pulled a groin muscle after her little cheerleading stunt yesterday and needed to plunk her crotch in a bowl of ice. Or maybe her babysitter canceled on her. Either way, it was just the four of us, and we had a great time!

Karl started off the evening by hitting on every waitress (and a few waiters) that walked by. He got 14 different phone numbers! Of course, they all started with "555". Katie smacked me with a wooden spoon that she carried around in her purse and berated me for scarring her husband for life with my Letter to My Body post. Kevin just curled up at the table and rocked back and forth, saying "No cheeseburger no cheeseburger no cheeseburger".

The Guinness flowed like sludge and it wasn't too long before Katie was up on the table, dancing an Irish jig. Kevin joined the little Irish band on stage by playing the jug and singing with an impressive brogue, and Karl convinced one of the waitresses to give him her panties.

I, of course, remained my normal reserved self and quietly ate my steak while everyone else went crazy. By the end of the night, though, we all had new matching tattoos on our butts that spelled out "They're always after me Lucky Charms" when the four of us stood naked cheek to cheek. We also admired Katie's huge tattoo of a devil on a motorcycle punching a nun in the face. You never would have guessed – she seemed so sweet!

After a good meal, lots of liquor, great music, and an excellent time, Kevin and Katie went back to their hotel room for a game of naked Monopoly, Karl left with four Asian women who kept running their fingers through his hair and calling him "Karrrrr", and I picked up a hooker in downtown Orlando that I could smack around for a bit.

All in all, a fun night out. Thanks guys!

The rest of today's entry is about Sunday's contest, with the correct answers and the winner chosen. Click to keep reading.
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Misc Mon

Monday, March 3rd, 2008

FIRST:

Don't forget to go, before midnight EST tonight, and enter my contest for a chance to win an iPod Shuffle! Even if you've been certified as mentally retarded, you still have a chance at getting at least one guess correct. Don't you want to be a winner?

SECOND:

If you want to be part of the blogroll and would like to choose the nifty little Ubernym that will accompany your name if I ever use your name in a post, now's your chance to let me know.

THIRD:

Britt, Hilly, and Karen started a little feel-good movement called "The RAP Sheet", which is, as they explain:

Whether it’s about slow drivers, unruly children, or spouses who can’t seem to pick up their own underwear, the blogosphere is constantly atwitter with our gripes. And while we would in no way suggest you stop bitching, once in a while it’s nice to stop and remember some of those people who makes us forget about the dirty underwear.

It is because of those people that we decided to launch The RAP Sheet.

Out here in Blogaritaville, there are some Ridiculously Awesome People. People who touch us, who make us laugh, who make us want to reward them with a cutesy graphic. Those are the people we add to The RAP Sheet.

They're encouraging people to pass this on. And while I'd usually find the Retardedly Asinine People or the Really Assholish People or the Raucously Average People, I decided to be nice and see if I knew any Ridiculously Awesome People.

My first thought was myself. And on first blush, it worked. But the more I thought about it, I couldn't talk about myself. Because while I'm totally, absolutely, undefinably, indubitably, incalculably, permanently, ostensibly, fantastically, deeply, currently, inflammably, significantly, positively, demonstrably, really, really awesome, I'm not ridiculously awesome. And that's what The RAP Sheet is all about.

So, instead, my contribution to The RAP Sheet is AmyD from Amy's Musings.

She's a great friend, smart and sarcastic, and can laugh at anything. If that doesn't define ridiculously awesome, I don't know what does. Plus, she's raised two really bright, funny kids and one small Tasmanian Devil disguised as a child. And she helped me with all of the design aspects of this ridiculously awesome blog I have!

I :heartbeat: :heartbeat: AmyD. And so should you!

Who's on your RAP Sheet?


FOURTH:

Finally, for my real post today. I thought I'd start a little interview meme for everyone to try if they need blog fodder. We'll call it "Avitable's Querypalooza".

Just answer these five questions on your blog, and then come up with five new ones for your readers to answer on their respective blogs, etc. And link back to here. Bluepaintred, this totally counts, by the way.

1. Out of all of the posts you've written, which is your favorite and why?

2. Out of all of the posts I've written that you've read, which is your favorite and why?

3. Which do you find the most frightening and why? A radically fundamentalist Christian, a moderate Muslim, a pretentious atheist, or a Scientologist?

4. Rather than discuss the typical characteristics of someone you'd desire (sense of humor, good body, etc.), I'm going to focus on the little details. Rank them in order of preference, with #7 being the one you consider more important than the others and #1 being the one you consider the least important:
1. Good fashion sense,
2. Ability to dance well,
3. Encyclopedic knowledge,
4. Odorless feet,
5. Quick-wittedness,
6. Even tempered nature, and
7. Likes the same music, movies, and/or television

5. If you were going to be trapped on a remote island for the rest of your life with one other person, which would you choose and why?
A. Your spouse or s.o.
B. Your celebrity crush
C. Your best friend
D. MacGyver
E. One of your parents or children

If you decide to do Avitable's Querypalooza, just let me know so I can laud you with praise, comments, and semen.

Happy Monday!

Lazy Sunday XXXIX

Sunday, March 2nd, 2008

It's time for another Lazy Sunday and another contest, and once again the prize is an iPod Shuffle!

I'm going to do it a little differently this time, though. I think last week required a bit too much effort for someone to actually feel like they were going to be able to win. Not this time – everyone has a chance at winning.

It's very simple. Rather than try to make you guess which of these are random obscure references, every answer contains a reference to movies, television, or music. Every one.

Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. You have two chances to comment with your answers.

Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera.

After the contest ends Monday at midnight EST, I'll pick a name from the hat and the winner gets the iPod Shuffle!

Should be simple, but if you have any questions, just ask in the comments.


Thanks to Poppy for this one:

1. What curse word do you use the most?
I love to call people "beloved cunt".

2. Do you own an iPod?
Yup. Her name's Rosebud.

3. Who on your MySpace “Top 8” do you talk to the most?
Either Ginger or MaryAnn.

4. What time is your alarm clock set for?
6:00 AM, every single day. And the radio always plays the same damn song, too.

5. What color is your room?
Purple.

6. Flip flops or sneakers?
I only wear Campari.

7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
I'd rather develop the photos and then get unhealthily obsessed with the people in the photos.

8. Has anyone ever called you lazy?
It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

9. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
I usually drink some drain cleaner, but sometimes I'll try a mixture of OJ and milk.

10. Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
I prefer White Russians.

11. Has anyone told you a secret this week?
My friend Malcolm Crowe is dead.

12. Have you ever given someone a hickey?
Yes. Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate. Mine was one of them.

13. Who was the last person to call you?
This guy who wanted to know if there was a Mr. Freely here. A Mr. I. P. Freely.

14. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
I know they do. Usually they say that I am the biggest Mexican they've ever seen – big as shit.

15. Did you watch cartoons as a child?
No. We didn't have a TV. I grew up as a poor black child.

Okay, that's it for today. Let's see how you do! Good luck on winning that iPod, and remember – you have until Monday at midnight EST!

Avikipedia

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

avitabile_portrait.jpg

I need help from a Wikipedia expert. Does anyone have editing capabilities on Wikipedia? How does it work? I usually stay away from it because I think people rely on it too much, almost as an encyclopedic resource. When it comes to information about entertainment or current events, it can be a good source of information, but I hate when people use it for legal or medical advice or even for historical research purposes.

Unfortunately, though, I now need to learn about Wikipedia. You see, there's an entry about my ancestor, Paolo di Avitabile, who was the actual inspiration for the bogeyman in Pakistan. Even to this day, parents tell their children to behave or "Abu Tabela" will come and get them.

I think it would be awesome if part of the entry for my ancestor discussed current descendants. Would anyone know how to edit it to add something like the following:

"Avitabile's family is spread throughout Naples and the United States, where his name was changed to "Avitable" by lazy registrars at Ellis Island. One well-known descendant is Adam Heath Avitable, who maintains a blog online at http://www.avitable.com."

I'd really like to do this – if someone can help me figure it out, that would help. If they could just do it for me, that would be even better! You'd be my number one bestest friend.

You can email me at my first name at my last name dot com if you have any advice or suggestions or if you want me to verbally masturbate you for helping out.

The rest of today's post discusses the contest and is in an extended entry.

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The Great Interview Experiment

Monday, February 25th, 2008

Before I get to today's post, don't forget about yesterday's contest. All you need to do is pick out the seven pop culture references I mention. The contest doesn't end until tonight at midnight, so you still have a chance of winning an iPod Shuffle!


A little more than a month ago, Neil over at Citizen of the Month started The Great Interview Experiment. Essentially, each commenter interviewed the person before him or her and was subsequently interviewed by the commenter following. It's been a huge success, with only a few people neglecting their interviewing duties.

Unfortunately, Feral Mom was one of those poor neglected souls. Neil was looking for people to step in and interview those who were left hanging, so voila! She's funny, dirty-minded, and a new favorite read. So check out our interview, then go check our her site!

feralmom.jpg

Avitable: Before I interview a blogger or review their blog, I always go to their archives and start with their very first post. It's a good way to see how the blog has evolved. Since January 26, 2005, over three years ago, how do you think your blog has evolved and has it been for the better or worse?

Feral Mom: When I first started writing Gone Feral, I'd intended it to be the sordid chronicle of my deteriorating hygiene and decreasing ability to maintain normal social interactions as a stay-at-home mother of twin infants. Anyone who knows me well, however, knows that my hygiene has always been on the lax side and that I can usually find some excuse to gibber to myself quietly in the corner. Twin infants were just the icing on an already very sloppy, social anxiety-ridden cake. Shirts splotched with sour milk from my leaky jahoobies? The source of that persistent "magic marker" smell a rotting banana peel under the Lazy Boy? The highlight of my day being giving the Diaper Genie a fisting it would never forget? Squalid, oh yes, but bring it on, I thought. So stay at home motherhood was, in a way, a convenient cover for my already feral, disgusting tendencies. And Gone Feral gave me a venue to make shit jokes without even leaving the house.

After a while I discovered that there are only so many jokes (and lists) to be made about poop, butts, pubes, farts, and jahoobies. Oh, I've got more, but I've realized I need to hold some in reserve for the long haul. So I began to write about other things—my fraught relationship with my mother-in-law, whom I've come to love over the past three years. My return to academia, where I put on clothes to go to class, but remained naked, feral, and farting underneath. Eventually, I even began revisiting episodes from my past, like Catholic school, batshit crazy landlords, traumatic conference papers, tales from the front of a middle school library and other more serious fodder. I still try to write about turds—and believe me, they come up a lot in my life—but I also find that there's plenty of other material out there. So the content of the blog has expanded quite a bit. I also don't ALWAYS go for the immature, Beavis and Butthead innuendo anymore. If I want to try for a different tone or mood, I can usually go there without fearing that readers are going to be disappointed in me, or something.

Speaking of readers, they're the other change. When I started Gone Feral, I had just a handful of friends reading—and they were all, I should note, very supportive, leaving me comments so that I wouldn't be left hanging out there alone on the internets. Three of them even ended up starting their own blogs—excellent ones, I might add. But then I starting getting some visits from people I didn't know, one link led to another, a few kind, more popular souls took me under their bloggy wings, and I found, quite unexpectedly, a community. The best part about blogging, other than the way it has of transforming trauma and tedium into material (and thereby making it bearable) is the connections (and sometimes, friendships) you make with total
strangers. I never imagined when I started Gone Feral that it would not only save my sanity, but help my shy ass make friends with other shy asses—foul mouthed, irreverent people who can hold their liquor AND write the hell out of a blog. I'm lucky to have found a corner of the blogosphere with so many generous, funny, and talented people.

Avitable: As I read, one word I keeping coming across (figuratively) is "tits". You clearly are a huge fan of jahoobies – what are the traits you look for in a set of bazongas, and who, among the celebrity world, has the nicest sweater puppies?

drewboobies.jpg

Feral Mom: I love boobies, I do. But I am quite catholic in my appreciation of them. (That's "small c catholic" though tits on a pope are also awesome…and hilarious!) Small ones, big ones, saggy ones, perky ones? I like 'em all. Hell, I even like old man tits, that's how much I love jahoobies. That being said, I find myself in the celebrity boob realm most distracted by the tits on Lost. The entire cast has outstanding racks, including Hurley. Plus, they're all in undershirts or shirtless most of the time. If I had to pick one favorite celebrity boob shot, hough, it's Drew Barrymore in this photo. Sweater puppies unleashed!

Avitable: You recently moved to Los Angeles, one of my favorite places to live in the world. First, have you been to Pink's? Fatburger? Second, have you used Pink Dot to order emergency supplies delivered to your home? Finally, have you noticed how everything clears up and gets beautiful as you cross over from LA County to Orange County?

Feral Mom: No, no, no, and no. I clearly need to get out more. When did you live in Los Angeles? What other recommendations do you have for a feral person in SoCal?

Avitable: I lived in Los Angeles from 2001 until 2004. For restaurants, I recommend The Engine Company and The Pacific Car Company (downtown) and Duke's (Huntington Beach). I also recommend buying a Thomas Guide – makes everything much easier. And Zagat's. Did you get the dentist recommendation I made on your blog? He's a good one for feral teeth.

Avitable: Staying with the Los Angeles theme, here. What are your favorite aspects of LA so far? Your least favorite?

Feral Mom: I enjoy living in L.A. far more than I ever imagined I would. The weather, needless to say is outstanding. While I used to fancy myself a tough Midwestern broad weather-wise, truth be told, I spent a lot of time whilst living there bitching about the cold and the snow. No more. I also enjoy the year-round farmer's markets, especially the outstanding citrus. Oranges have become very very important to me, as have avocados. Hands off my fresh produce!

I have a love/hate relationship with being on the western edge of the country. I love the feeling that I've escaped my old life for a while; that, while I'm reachable by car or plane, someone would have to put serious effort into coming to find me. Not that I'm hiding from anyone, you understand…but I do have a tendency to get restless when I've been in the same place, around the same people, too long. Living in Los Angeles seems like an escape—in a good way.

However, I HATE the fact that, by the time the kids are asleep, it's too late to call or chat online with my East Coast and Midwestern peeps. I also hate that sense of removal from old communities, particularly this first winter we've spent in L.A. Not that I WANT to be back in the Heartland experiencing some of the worst weather on record, but I know that all my Midwestern friends and family will share a reference point (and a bond) for years to come that won't include me. While they were finding creative ways to stay warm and remove snow, I was eating oranges while the ocean gently lapped my hairy toes. I know, I know. Cry you a river.

And speaking of hairy toes, my least favorite thing about L.A. is being called "sir" even when I'm wearing a Christless skirt. OK, not really…that's material. My absolute least favorite aspect of L.A. is the fact that buying a house, hell, renting a house, is some kind of Impossible Dream. You know, a yard would be nice. It's also that apartment living entails rubbing elbows with neighbors, and we have a sordid history with neighbors. I would like to be done with neighbors forever. Alas, it ain't gonna happen here.

Avitable: Here's a fill-in-the-blank for you: I'd rather fuck a _____ than eat a ______ .

Feral Mom: I'd rather fuck a leprechaun than eat a monkey.

I ate monkey once by accident in a Peruvian jungle and it was…distressing. As for leprechauns…those saucy wee people can't help themselves. Fuck them! They're Irish.

Thanks for interviewing me, Avitable! I'm grateful.

And there you go. Go say hi to Feral Mom and go over to Neil's if you want to partake in the Great Interview Experiment!

Lazy Sunday XXVII

Sunday, February 24th, 2008

Today's Lazy Sunday is going to be a bit different. Typically, I work in a few pop culture references. Some are obscure, some are not. For example, last week, one of my answers was "They've gone plaid", which was clearly a reference to Spaceballs. I think most people miss them and don't appreciate all of the hard work that I've put into trying to come up with these allusions.

Well, I will no longer be underappreciated. My solution is very simple: I shall now bribe all of you to search desperately for my clever references.

From this point forward, every Lazy Sunday will continue to have several movie or television references. They might be a quote, a situational reference, an offhand remark or a subtle allusion, but they will be there. And to the sharp-eyed fucker who can find all of them and gives me the numbers and movie or television show names in the comments, I will reward you with glory and thanks. Oh, and a prize!

What's today's prize, you might ask? How about an iPod Shuffle?

Want to win it? Just find and guess the references, along with the corresponding numbers. If there are multiple people who guess correctly, I will choose one of the names at random and select my winner that way.

Contest ends Monday at midnight EST. Canadians may be required to do a small math problem in order to win.

A few additions (8:57 AM EST, 2/24/08):

1. If I actually name a TV show or movie as an answer, that clearly isn't going to be one of them. That's a bit too obvious, don't you think?
2. If you get rid of Roxanne, Dora, and Oz, there are 7 actual references and allusions that you should be able to pick up.
3. You get two tries. After that, feel free to comment, but if you keep adding ones on, they're not going to count.


Thanks to Kapgar for this one. There are 7 movie or television references to find.

1. Do you like blue cheese?
No, but I have blown cheese.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
The only thing I like to do with heroin is put it in little balloons and shove the balloons up my ass.

3. Do you own a gun?
Well, I certainly don't have a license to carry what's in my pants.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
Lime-semen.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor's appointments?
I used to for my prostate exams. But then I found a doctor who started taking me to dinner and a movie first.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I think the combination of rat tail, raccoon feet, pigeon head, and boot tongue is lip-smackingly delicious.

7. Favorite Christmas song?
I saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus's Penis.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
A Weight Gain 4000 shake. I'm trying to bulk up.

9. Can you do push ups?
Yes. I do them at such a high speed that it just seems like I'm laying on the floor, though.

10. What do you order at Starbucks?
Large cheese pizza.

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
My spleen piercing.

12. Favorite hobby?
Skinny prank phone-calling.

13. How do you eat your eggs?
I suck them out of the uterus with a straw.

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
No.

15. What’s one trait you hate about yourself?
My inability to . . . . ooh, shiny!

16. Your eye color?
Stripper pole silver

17. Name three thoughts at this exact moment?
1. I've never actually seen a stripper pole. Are they bronze?
2. Am I strange for having no desire to ever go to a strip club?
3. Ooh, shiny!

18. Name three things you bought yesterday?
Do sex acts from donkeys count as "things"?

19. Three drinks you regularly drink?
Diet Coke
Diet Coke with Lime
Diet Coke with Lemon

20. Current worry right now?
I wonder if this contest is going to be too subtle.

21. Current hate right now?
Edible panties that taste like limburger cheese.

22. Favorite place to be?
Oz. The magical land, not the prison.

23. How did you bring in the New Years?
Ohhhhh. I thought it was the Nude Years! No wonder the host was so horrified.

24. Where would you like to go?
To that place in France where the naked ladies dance.

25. Name three people who will complete this?
Larry, Curly, and Moe.

26. Do you own slippers?
Yes, with pictures of Dora the Explorer on them.

27. What shirt are you wearing?
I'm topless right now. Well, except for the sports bra.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
No. Every time I try to jump into bed, I just slide right off the other side.

29. Can you whistle?
Only rectally.

30. Favorite color?
Mauve.

31. Would you be a pirate?
No. I'm not really a booty man.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I only take baths, and I like to make my shampoo and conditioner bottles fight for superiority.

33. Favorite girl’s name?
Anything Irish.

34. Favorite boy’s name?
Adam. Or Thor.

35. What’s in your pocket right now?
A half a pack of cigarette, a tank of gas, and my sunglasses.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Steve Martin in Roxanne.

37. Most frequently dialed phone number?
1-800-AVITABLE. And I'll keep dialing it until someone actually answers and says "1-800-Avitable, how can I help you?"

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
Caught a bazooka round at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians. My eyes are ceramic now.

39. Do you love where you live?
Home is where you bury the hookers.

40. How many TVs do you have?
I refuse to answer this question until my wife lets me get one for the bathroom.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Oh, you know.

42. How many dogs do you have?
I refuse to answer this question until my wife lets me get one for the bathroom.

43. What are you thrilled about right now?
Toilet dog!

44. Do you have a crush on someone?
Hulk Hogan.

45. What is your favorite book?
Chicken Soup for the Hairy Gorilla Geek Soul

46. What is your favorite candy?
It's NOT Turkish Delight.

47. Favorite Sports Team?
The San Francisco Snowballers.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I want people to sing "I Say a Little Prayer" in unison.

49. What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Stripping. It's my night job.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I hope I didn't eat my underwear again in my sleep. I was dreaming that I was eating pancakes.