Posts Tagged ‘democrat’

Headlines: The Rush Limbaugh Effect

Friday, September 4th, 2009

rush-limbaugh-sucks-up-goodWhen I try to come up with posts for each day, I will usually spend some time on CNN or other news sites and see if any articles catch my eye. Tonight, there wasn't shit going on, so I decided to head over to Rush Limbaugh's website and see if there was anything amusing that might inspire me.

Nothing jumped out at me as being anything particularly entertaining – it was frustrating to see how he has turned fearmongering into an art and hypocrisy into a science. (Not that the fundamentalist leftist commentators are any better, but Rush is the best spoken out of all of them.)

I thought it might be interesting to put on Rush's thrice-divorced OxyContin-addicted glasses and see how he talks about family values and condemns people who are addicted without his head exploding. Let's see how Rush would rewrite these innocuous headlines that I've pulled from CNN.com:

Original Headline and Summary

Jackson's resting place may not be his last

Seventy days after his sudden death, Michael Jackson will be interred in what may or may not be his final resting place Thursday evening. Only his family and closest friends are attending the private burial inside the ornate Great Mausoleum on the grounds of Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale, California…

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Even after death, black man moves around, probably avoiding bill collectors and repo men.

Original Headline and Summary

High praise for football player who disarmed girl with gun on bus

A Mississippi high school quarterback is being hailed as a hero for saving a school bus full of elementary and high school students from a gun-wielding girl. Surveillance camera footage on the Yazoo County school bus on Tuesday captured 18-year-old Kaleb Eulls tackling the 14-year-old girl while the children evacuated the bus.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Fanatic leftist and activist infringes upon 2nd amendment rights of young innocent girl.

Original Headline and Summary

Muslim teen fears for life after changing religion

A Muslim teenager from Ohio says her father threatened to kill her because she converted to Christianity. Rifqa Bary, 17, ran away from her family in Columbus, Ohio, in July and took refuge in the central Florida home of the Rev. Blake Lorenz with the Global Revolution Church in Orlando.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Suspected terrorist targets God-fearing American child, declares fatwah.

Original Headline and Summary

'Airplane view' of Mars yields stunning images

What would you see if you could fly over Mars in a plane and look out the window? It must be something like the thousands of curious, intriguing and spectacular images taken by the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE) camera mounted on NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Government waste at work: Sightseeing photos of the Planet Marxist

Original Headline and Summary

Stranger allegedly slaps crying child in store

A Georgia man allegedly slapped a toddler at a Walmart store because she wouldn't stop crying, authorities said. Roger Stephens, 61, was arrested Monday and charged with first-degree cruelty to children. An incident report obtained from police in Gwinnett County indicated Stephens did not know the 2-year-old girl he stands accused of hitting.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Hero villified by left-wing media and harassed by Obama's stormtrooper police force.

Original Headline and Summary

Sexual minigame costs publisher $20 million

Take-Two Interactive has agreed to pay $20 million to settle a class-action lawsuit over a sexual minigame that was mistakenly included in the 2004 title “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.” The minigame, dubbed “Hot Coffee,” simulates sex between title character Carl “CJ” Johnson and his in-game girlfriend after she invites him in for a cup of coffee. The sexual content was inaccessible without manipulating the game’s code, but that didn’t stop a media frenzy in 2005 when parents heard there was “porn” in their child’s video game.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Porn peddler and poisoner of our children's minds gets off with slap on wrist. More reparations are needed for Americans!

Original Headline

Bear encounters in Alaska

Rush Limbaugh Headline

With hero Sarah Palin gone, family-destroying gays flock to Alaska.

And now your requisite daily Halloween Party blurb:

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Posted in satire | 46 Comments »

The End of an Error

Sunday, November 9th, 2008

Since most members of my family are rabidly Republican, Thanksgiving this year should be very fun for those of us who voted for Obama. I'm thinking of ordering one of my own T-shirts just to wear to dinner.

If you also have Republican family members, don't you want to order one of these to wear for the next two months?

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Posted in Whoring | 20 Comments »

Obama

Sunday, September 21st, 2008

I went to the Barack Obama speech in Jacksonville yesterday. I've never been to any type of political rally before, so I thought this would be an interesting and historic time to attend one.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were 20,000 people there. It was crazy, with lots of long lines, packed crowds, and people as sardines.

Spending four hours jammed in with my new closest friends was quite an experience. While mostly positive, there were a few negative elements that I'd like to briefly address:

1. Just because you're a Democratic tree hugger environmentalist wacko, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't shower and use deodorant before spending a hot day with lots of people who will have to smell you.

2. This also goes for all of you mouth breathers who don't believe in breath mints, dental hygiene, brushing your teeth, or chewing gum. Your breath smells like a three-day old cheese fart. Please duct tape your mouth shut until further notice.

3. We're all hot and we've all been standing there and we're all tired, so announcing that you're tired and hot and sweaty and sick of standing is liable to make me get stabby.

4. If you have a baby, stay the fuck home. Don't subject your infant to the heat and germs of 20,000 people just because you want to support Obama. That makes you a bad parent.

5. Just because I'm there and you're there and we're both going to vote for Obama, it doesn't mean that I have any interest in the slightest thing you have to say. That is our one thing in common, and I want to keep it that way. It keeps the mystery alive.

Well, at least it wasn't a McCain rally, where I'm sure the old people smell would have just driven me insane!

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Posted in Politics | 41 Comments »

Nigger

Thursday, May 15th, 2008

"Adam, you wouldn't seriously want a black guy to be our President, would you?"

That's an actual quote from one of my uncles a few weeks ago. The thing is, I didn't grow up in an explicitly racist household. My parents had an interracial couple as some of their best friends, and my mother worked quite closely with plenty of black employees, both at her level and below her on the chain of command. But there was an undercurrent of prejudice that was constant and unwavering.

I never heard the word "nigger" from my parents. I was, however, told to be careful when driving in bad neighborhoods because "they" like to drive into you in a beat-up car and then sue the insurance company. "They" was never explained, but merely understood.

My first girlfriend, Vickie, had olive skin that I thought was gorgeous. Over at my friend Randy's house, showing her picture to his grandfather proudly, I was mortified when he and his son started mocking me for dating a "sand nigger". I didn't even know what that was, but I knew it wasn't something nice.

As a teen, I spent my summers and vacations working for a business owned by family members other than my parents. It was there that I heard "nigger" bandied about regularly, even from relatives who worked closely with many black friends. "You can't trust them." "You have to watch them like a hawk or they'll rip you off." "They're lazy and will do the work half-assed if you're not careful." I was taught these "lessons", along with phrases like "nigger-rig" and "nigger rich".

Yet, with all of this subtle and overt prejudice affecting my perspective, education, and growth, I still managed to be objective and come to my own conclusions. I'll never forget Nicole, with her great smile and gorgeous chocolate skin, holding hands as we walked down the beach that summer. And Angela, with that beautiful curly hair and intoxicating laugh. And friends who were African and Indian and Asian and Filipino and black and Jewish and Hispanic and the only thing that mattered to me was whether or not we got along.

I'm not writing this post to pat myself on the back – yay me for not being racist! No, my goal is to give a bit of hope. My parents' generation grew up with the civil rights movement. They had to change their perspective on race and prejudice during their formative years. I can't blame them for being affected by their environment and upbringing just as I was affected. However, I, and my generation, and the generation after mine, and even the one before mine, grew up with an integrated society. And maybe, just maybe, it's possible for us to become increasingly color-blind, even if raised in a color-aware environment.

If Obama gets this nomination, and I'm sure that he will, I hope that there are enough of us out there – generations of young adults who grew up in an integrated society and know that racism doesn't even make sense. I hope that we are legion enough to make a difference in November. To show my uncle and those like him that yes, we seriously want a black guy to be our President, because we want a "smart" guy to be our President, and it doesn't actually matter if he's black, white, yellow, brown, or not even a guy at all.

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Posted in Serious stuff | 127 Comments »