I plan on writing actual posts again starting next week, but for now, watch this Japanese instructional video for learning English:
Posts Tagged ‘diarrhea’
My week of lazy is almost over
Saturday, January 16th, 2010Oh, the friends I have . . .
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009This past weekend, I was talking to my friend (who I'll call Enrico) on the phone. He was telling me that he'd recently gained some weight and I recommended a liquid high-protein, low carb diet that can be highly effective in losing as much as a pound a day very quickly.
On Tuesday, I had the following text message conversation:
Enrico: "How come you didn't warn me not to fart on this fucking diet. Seriously. I'm at work. You could have told me. This is fucked up. Is there anything that can be done?"
Me: "Did you just shart? Dude."
Enrico: "Going commando now. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is not being free to fart whenever I want. It's like communism. No freedom. I'm trapped."
Me: "Wow. That never happened to me."
Enrico: "You didn't have liquid poo in the first few days of the liquid diet? What the fuck kind of liquid are you drinking? This sucks. I'm sweaty because I'm freaked out I may shit pants!"
Me: "Nothing ridiculous like you had, apparently."
Enrico: "It's just diarrhea but it is unexpected and I'm at work. I like to fart a lot, and this is ridiculous."
And later the next day . . .
Enrico: "WELL THANK GOD the convenience store has beef jerky! I thought I was going to die!!!"
My prayer to Jeebus
Sunday, December 28th, 2008I'm writing this on Saturday night. Soon I shall be waking up and packing the car for the eight hour drive back home. Before I go to sleep, here is the prayer I will offer up:
Dear Jeebus,
In the spirit of your holy birthday, we made this journey to a primitive land to share happiness and gifts. And lo, I have been stricken with an illness that causes liquid fire from hell itself to spill forth from the very depths of my bowels.
Lord, I have prostrated myself on the throne of porcelain at each bell's toll and I have prayed and lamented loudly as my sins poured through my sore anus.
As we embark on our arduous journey, please watch over us and please divert all police officials to obstruct the paths of real sinners and Mormons and Jews.
And, glory to you on highest, please use your holy superpowers to temporarily close my posterior orifice, thus preventing the continuous anal flow of sin and hellfire until we have reached our destination.
In your name, forever and ever, unless you force me to have to pull over to shit at a gas station or restaurant, in which case I'm going to give this whole Satan thing a shot.
Aaaaaaa-men.
