Tag Archives: divorce

(fifteen years ago) the speed of time

Time’s a funny thing.

For the first twenty-four years of my life, today’s date was just a date. But fifteen years ago, it became important.

Fifteen years ago, I stood at an altar. For the regular reasons.

(eighteen years ago) Surrounded by throngs of married and engaged law students, I thought I was going to die alone, and it terrified me.

(fifteen years ago) I wore a tuxedo and said “I do” in a Catholic Church, and no lightning touched down upon our heads.

(twenty years ago) As a college sophomore I played video games and then went home and touched myself too many times.

(fifteen years ago) We danced to a song that took much too long to choose and sometimes now I can’t immediately remember what it was called.

(twenty-two years ago) I had a 1984 Chrysler Fifth Avenue and rolled up the sleeves on my T-shirts. Sometimes I stapled them so they’d stay.

(fifteen years ago) I gave into tradition for the last time as my best friend from college walked down the aisle as a bridesmaid instead of a groomswoman.

(twenty-four years ago) I cried about unrequited love and punched holes in my walls.

(fifteen years ago) Friends from each stage in my life drank and laughed with each other as they toasted my future.

(twenty-eight years ago) I snapped a girl’s bra strap and my dad said “Boys will be boys,” because he knew I’d eventually turn into a respectful man.

(fifteen years ago) I didn’t drink, but the night was still a drunken blur.

(thirty years ago) I devoured every book I could find and found whole new worlds worthy of exploration.

(fifteen years ago) We were too tired to consummate our marriage, and nobody noticed that giant red flag flapping in the air.

(thirty-two years ago) My parents burst with pride at my intelligence and precociousness, not realizing how unbearable it might become.

(fifteen years ago) I said I did, even though I showed I couldn’t.

(thirty-four years ago) I was the only male child, and I liked it.

(fifteen years ago) We started a new life with a terminal lifespan.

(thirty-six years ago) We moved to Florida from Boston and ate Raisin Bran for dinner, which amazed me at three years old.

(fifteen years ago) I hadn’t evolved from someone who knew everything to someone who knew he didn’t.

(thirty-eight years ago) My parents loved me fiercely without reservation, and haven’t stopped.

(fifteen years ago) I danced with my mother as she cried and took my face in both of her hands and kissed me.

(forty years ago) My mother looked at herself in the mirror and wondered what I’d be like when I arrived in three months.

and

(one year after my divorce) My best friend took me to dinner and wore a long blonde wig so, as he said, “I would feel like Amy was still there and wouldn’t be sad.”

Adam Avitable and his best friend in 2010

Time’s a funny thing.

I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Seven

Today is the last day of the AMA! Tomorrow is my actual birthday, and I’ll be doing one final recap post before the week of Avitable is over. (Oh, who are we kidding? Every week is the week of Avitable in my world!)

Let’s see what you fuckers asked this time!

Zach asked: Who is a friend of yours that would be surprised to know you have a crush on them? Or had, if you’re currently crush-free?

One of my stronger personality traits is the fact that I share (and some would say overshare) my feelings and my emotions without any filter, so I think it would be extremely unlikely that any friend I find attractive wouldn’t know how I feel. I’m not very difficult to read even if I wasn’t verbally expressing my interest. Mostly from the Snapchat dick pics.

Kar asked: What would be a perfect day?

Thanksgiving in Saint Augustine. Gotta love beaches and beautiful weather.

Wake up with the sun. Read a book on my comfortable red couch. Eat Eggs Benedict and bacon for brunch with someone who has my heart. Come home, have sex, and take a nap. Wake up, get a hot shave and massage, meet with friends for dinner. Headline a show packed with thousands of audience members who are there to see me. After the show, go home, walk outside naked under the full moon, and fly away. Because I’d have superpowers.

Carolyn asked: Please share your favorite (and most ridiculous) comedian moment so far.

I don’t know if I could choose one favorite moment and one ridiculous moment. Just the idea that I can get on stage and entertain people, and that I’m not too bad at it – that’s amazing and ridiculous all at once. And as I progress and gain more experience, each new moment becomes my new favorite.

Adam Avitable, headlining comedian

 

Krithika asked: Describe yourself in one sentence.

I am a king in my own mind who aspires to be a prince to those I love.

Alicia asked: Whose drink would you “cosby”?

Nobody’s. Ever. But if we were to try to look at it in a more innocent “Love Potion #9” or “Funky Cold Medina” type of way, Ke$ha.

NOTICE ME AND LOVE ME, MY GLITTERY QUEEN!

Stacy asked: If you had/have a Bucket List, what song would you want playing when you do THE NUMBER ONE BUCKETY THING OF YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

I would imagine that if I was going to do something so amazing that it was the number one buckety thing, it would probably take longer than three minutes, so I think I’d need a soundtrack. For your listening pleasure:

Stacy asked: Please describe the most unpleasant “Aw HAYULL NAW” moment you’ve ever had in connection with internet dating.

I’ve never had any experiences like that. I’ve seen some profiles that made me question humanity, and I’ve been out with a few people who were a little crazy, but I have never had a seriously unpleasant moment that I can recall. The reason is probably that I’m so picky that I don’t bother talking to almost anyone.

Matt asked: Seriously, why did they ever make Zima Gold?

I think that marketing decision was made by the same person behind Crystal Pepsi, the McDLT, and the Nintendo Power Glove. Short answer: most executives are fucking idiots who move up from middle management because there’s nowhere else for them to go.

Will asked: What is your most beautiful memory (and no cop-outs like wedding days and babies being born)?

Standing on stage, basking in laughter from the audience. I’ve been married and it doesn’t even compare.

Catherine asked: What was your process and timeline for writing and publishing a book? What advice would you give to those wishing to accomplish this endeavor?

Self-publishing is one of the best options for writers. You can make more money, use social media to market yourself, and realize success in a significantly faster way.

The first suggestion is to stop worrying about publishing your book. Just write it. Write and write and write and write, and then edit and edit and edit and edit. Give yourself a daily writing goal, whether it’s 500 words or 5,000.

Only after you’ve managed to finish and you finally have a work that is worthy of being published should you think about that final step. Then decide what path to take – if you use Amazon’s self-publishing tools, prepare to have some frustration with making sure your book will look good in all formats, but once you optimize it, it’s a piece of cake after that.

Feel free to email me with any questions or if you want to talk further about it!

Brandon asked: Why does it burn (only while urinating) when I accidentally get soap in my urethra?

Because much like mixing ammonia and bleach creates mustard gas, mixing urine and soap creates a flammable super pee that is like napalm. If you get soap in your urethra and you pee in direct sunlight, you will turn into the human firepisser. And since I am a doctor, you can rest assured that absolutely none of this is true.

Cherie asked: If you could live in any other country, which one and why?

What a great final question!  I love Canada, but I think it would be too cold. I would enjoy Ireland for a little while, especially with the prevalence of pale freckled women. But then I’d get bored, and I couldn’t imagine living in England for too long because I’d max out on ASBOs (Anti-Social Behavior Orders) and probably end up in prison. I’m Italian as well as Irish, so Italy would be nice to visit, but I can’t see living there. I think it, along with so much of Europe, is about ten years behind the US, and I don’t think the US is even advanced enough. I’d be a giant in Japan, and I do speak a little Japanese, so that could be an amazing place to live, and I’ve always wanted to live in Australia because it fascinates me. There are so many countries that I’ve never visited that might have appeal to me, too. Who knows what adventures would lie in Africa, Central America, or elsewhere?

So, to answer your question of which country I’d like to live in and why, I’d have to say that I have no fucking idea. I guess I’d better start traveling and get some international exposure!

 


And that’s it! 70 questions and answers covering topics from divorce to sex to comedy to philosophy to everything else under the sun. Thank you to everyone who participated, and stay tuned tomorrow for my TMI Birthday Recap Post! Until then:

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I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Five

This is the most consistently I’ve written on my blog in about two years, so I’d like to thank everyone who took the time to ask questions. It made me realize how much I love writing on here, and hopefully I can keep it up after this little series is done.

Let’s keep going with day five of the AAAAMA – All Adam Avitable Ask Me Anything!

Autumn asked: Ok my love….. I have known you and been your friend for many years now and I have seen you go through a lot of growing and changing. What is, for you, the most impactful, philosophical change you have had in your mind and heart over the past ten years? #shitjustgotdeep

I think a lot of that was explored in one of the hardest posts I have ever written about four years ago. Go read it. I’ll wait.

Done? Great. For me, the biggest shift was realizing that I didn’t need to put up a facade and I didn’t need to lie to anyone. I could be flawed and not only would people still love me, but they’d actually love me more. I was able to dispense with this persona I had online and just be me. It freed me up to talk about things that most people won’t, and I’ve never been in a healthier place, psychologically and emotionally. Physically – well, I eat bacon four days a week, so I’ll let you figure that one out.

Bonnie asked: Remember the knife holder you had where it looked like a guy had knives going through him? I think it was red. Who got custody of that in the divorce?

"The Ex" Knife Holder

Rose asked: If you could acquire any knowledge instantly – through osmosis or some kind of upload to the brain – what would be your top three priorities to learn??

  1. Computer programming and hacking skills well beyond my amateur capabilities that would give me access to and entire world of information otherwise unavailable.
  2. Every language in the world, dead or otherwise.
  3. Statistical information on all human beings, providing me with the ability to have Sherlockian deductive abilities.

Honorable Mention: Ninja skills.

Zach asked: What’s your social security number?

867-53-0909

Shelby asked: What is your secret guilty pleasure?

I don’t have any secret guilty pleasures. I am proud of all of my indulgences. However, if I was going to choose one that probably results in me being mocked, I would choose the TV show Gilmore Girls. Each episode is filled with lightning-fast dialogue and a sarcastic, irreverent tone that I love. I own the box set, I’ve watched it several times, and I unabashedly declare my love for that show.

Stacy asked: What is the most unpleasant thing you’ve ever done sexually and would never do again because it’s just not your thing?

Have sex with my ex-wife. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, seriously. I haven’t had any experiences that were so unpleasant that I wouldn’t do them again. That’s not to say that they’ve been vanilla sexual experiences, but the ones that have ventured into exciting territory have been fun as well.

I’m not into pain, though, and while it’s nice having fingernails in your back, when they actually scratch you and make you bleed, I don’t enjoy that. And I find it extremely difficult to hurt someone else, even if that’s what they want, because I’m terrified of my own strength. Light slapping and choking, sure. Until you almost pass out, though? I’m just not comfortable with the possible repercussions of that.

Anonymous asked: Which model of flesh light do you recommend? Which penis pump? And how you feel about the hot/cold lubes?

About six years ago, I did some product reviews for a sex toy website. The blowjob imitator video is below. It was an interesting product and I did actually test it out for real. After the novelty wears off, it’s not worth it. I’ve never found any type of masturbatory device to be useful, and that’s after decades of masturbation. Nothing beats a hand.

They should call it a blowfun! from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

Brad asked: Do you think you will ever get over being in love with me?

Not as long as you keep sending me those naked photos of you covered in bacon and mayo.

Ben asked: What would be your dream job?

I would like to have the resources to be able to come up ideas and concepts and hire teams to work on those concepts. Just innovate and create and then pick the projects I want to work on personally. I come up with so many ideas for ventures but don’t have the time or staff to implement more than a percentage of them.

I yearn to create as much as I can, and I want the freedom to do that.

Is that a job? Or is that just a thing that I’ve imagined?

I’d also like to be an international assassin. That would be fun.


I’m having a blast with these! Can’t wait until tomorrow’s post – see you then. In the meantime:

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I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Four

Almost thirty questions answered, and almost forty left to go! Tonight and tomorrow night, I’ll be standing on a stage in Cocoa Beach, performing thirty minutes of material and talking about all of the things in life that I’ve thought of to make my audience laugh. Right now, though, is all about you, my beautiful reader:

Winter asked: What’s your main goal to accomplish before you die?

I have a constantly growing list of goals that are all important. I want to write a novel. I want to write a mystery series. I want to write a television series. I want to be on television. I want to be a household name. I want to write better than everyone else in the world. I want to create. I want to have more followers and fans than talentless hacks who are famous for all of the worst reasons. I want to go to the Oscars. I want to win an Oscar. I want to find someone who will support my goals and be independently wealthy. I want to be a vampire and live forever so I have the time to do all of these things.

Regan asked: Why did the chicken actually cross the road?

Across the road, a Trader Joe’s just opened up.

Shelby asked: What is your biggest motivation to stay true to yourself no matter what others may say or do?

I’m a walking contradiction. On one hand, I’ve said before that I don’t really have a sense of self except as reflected in the eyes of my audience. But at the same time, I stick to the tenets of being open and honest, not judging others, and trying to be there for those who are in need. It feels good to do those things, so I know they’re the right thing to do.

So, I don’t listen to what anyone else says, but I identify with how I see myself actually reflected in their eyes. If I want to be true to myself, I have to make sure that reflection is an accurate one.

Kella asked: Who inspired you to become a comedian? Or how did you get into comedy?

I have always loved comedy. From listening to Bill Cosby records as a kid to reading MAD Magazine, making people laugh is an amazing trait, and a skill that I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. In high school, I entered a talent contest and came in second place with a stand-up routine, and writing humor on Avitable.com since 1998 just seemed natural.

The Improv Orlando
The Orlando Improv

I got into stand-up consistently thanks to a girl I dated. We went to the Orlando Improv to watch a comedian and they had a flyer talking about a comedy class. She found all the information about the class and encouraged me to attend, so I did, and once I learned the basic mechanics of being on stage and not looking like a complete idiot, I never looked back.

And now I can’t imagine a life without doing it.

Rebekah asked: Scenario: You’ve died and discovered that everything in the Bible is 100% accurate. God asks you why you didn’t follow his commandments. What is your answer?

As in the ten commandments? Or will he be asking me why I shaved my beard and ate shellfish too? Because if we’re going with the scenario that everything in the Bible was 100% accurate, there are plenty of rules that are laid out that I don’t think anybody has followed anymore. Unless you’ve heard about any recent stonings of virgins, that is.

If we go with the idea that most of the “rules” in the Bible are simple parables designed to illustrate lessons to be learned, and the only commandments are the ten commandments, then I’d tell him that I’ve never had any other gods, never made a graven image of God, honored my parents, never killed anyone, haven’t stolen anything in decades, I don’t lie or covet anything, so I’m pretty much seven for ten, which I would posit is probably better than most people who consider themselves Christians.

Now, if I was asking the question you asked, instead of talking about commandments, I would have talked about the more important aspect of religion. The reason that the Bible gives for Jesus dying on the cross was to save all of us because each of us is a sinner. None of us is without sin.

So, in my opinion, God woldn’t care about following the commandments. He would be more concerned with why I didn’t accept Christ as my savior. And to that, I would answer that I have faith in humanity and could never believe that the majority of the world’s population, made up of Muslims, Buddhists, Hinduists, and other religions, are all wrong and that heaven is some douchey exclusionary nightclub that only lets the right people, (who are mostly white), in.

And then I’d explain that since so many religions do have the same basic tenets and stories that it makes much more sense that they’re all true in their own ways. That God or whatever you want to call it, if it exists, is so beyond our human understanding that the only way to make it palatable for our pathetic minds would be to distill it through the flawed words of men, split into many different cultures and many different stories that all share the same theme: Be good to one another.

And then God would say “Dude, you win!” And it would be like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and I’d get to take a big glass elevator up to the real heaven for people who could see all organized religion for the shams that they are.

Joshua asked: Do you collect anything?

Souls.

Also, comic books.

Adam Avitable has 25,000 comic books

Joshua asked: Were you your own lawyer in the divorce case? Can you be my lawyer?

We did our divorce together because we were both lawyers, but I’m not a practicing attorney. I never wanted to actually practice. So no, I cannot be your lawyer, but I can dispense completely unreliable legal advice to you at any time.

For example, did you know that it’s perfectly legal to steal up to $500 worth of items from a store if you’re a veteran from any armed conflict?

Stacy asked: How many months/years have you worn women’s underpants and do you have a favorite color and style that really make you wanna strut in your apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur?

I just like how the lace feels. Finding a pair that comes in size GORILLAXXL is difficult, though, so I find myself just going commando most of the time.

Evan asked: Can a girl be so hot that eventually her penis wouldn’t matter?

I know you asked this as a joke, but I had a serious conversation with someone once about this. She and I were just talking about dating and she asked me if I met a girl who was beautiful and smart and funny and everything I wanted in a girl, and we went out several times and had chemistry and it was fantastic, what would I do if I found out a few weeks into it that she had a penis?

The easy answer is to say that you’d end it with her. But,  if you connect with someone deeply and it has power beyond the superficial, I think it would be a very difficult choice. One that I’ve never had to make and I’m sure one that I never will, but it’s an interesting philosophical question nonetheless.

 


Halfway done! Keep coming back and reading, but in the meantime:

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I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Three

In six days, I’ll be thirty-eight years old. These next six days will be filled with one event, one birthday party, three gigs, and one open mic. My time scarcely belongs to me now, so let’s get on with one of the more fun projects I’ve done recently. Day three of my Avitablized version of Ask Me Anything continues . . .

Zach asked: What are your top 3 self-pleasure mental scenarios?

I could never deign to choose between the vast multitude of fantasies that spur on my onanistic activities, but I can tell you this. She’s always red-haired, she’s always pale, she’s always tiny, and she always has two sisters that look just like her.

Amber and Clayton asked: Why are you doing this? 
Alan asked: Did we hurt you? That’s why you’re punishing us with this?

Why am I doing this? Why not? Is it abnormal to want to know what other people would ask you if they had a blank check and a handy pen? I’ve written about myself for over fifteen years and sometimes it’s nice to let friends, fans, readers, and frenemies take control instead.

The questions asked might jumpstart my creativity, provide me with new material for the computer screen or the late night stage, or give me further insight into myself. My readers and audience are my collective morphous muse.

Mik asked: Which late night talk show would be your preference to appear on as a guest first?

Right now, my favorite late night show is Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show. His enthusiasm is almost impossible to ignore, and I love the games he plays with his guests. Being a guest on his show would be no less than fucking amazing.

Though, I really want to go on @midnight, as well. Chris Hardwick entertains me, and I love seeing comedians just being comedians.

Yvonne asked: If there was just one thing you could do in life, and it could be anything, what would it be?

Read minds. I didn’t even have to think about this (okay, well, that’s not entirely true because I did think about answering that I would totally participate in autofellatio if I could, but then I decided to be serious). Understanding how people think is one of the most powerful tools and gifts anyone can have. Knowing how they actually think would be immeasurable.

If it was something that is actually possible, though, I would write. I would write books and screenplays and short stories and scripts and get lost in the worlds I want so badly to create.

Winter asked: What’s the secret to life?

The secret to life can be summed up in three easy steps:

  1. Be honest yet tactful.
  2. Indulge yourself, but not to excess.
  3. Dispense with tradition and superstition.

Following these steps will make sure that you treat people right, because if you’re honest, that also means being honest with yourself. You can do the things you enjoy – don’t sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice. Old rules and traditions just box us in, keeping us in line for no good reason except “that’s the way it’s always been”. Get rid of those and you’ll find new paths that will take you somewhere you never expected.

Joshua asked: Would you rather hug an British man who is racist or punch a blind kid to save him?

Would I be punching the blind kid to save the racist British man? Is the blind kid white or another race? Would punching the kid save him from having to grow up blind because my punch is so strong it would kill him? Can I hug the British man with my car? Details, man, details!

Joshua asked: Would you co adopt a dog with someone?

I’m not an animal person. I like animals, but I have learned over the last five years of being single that I have absolutely no need for an animal in my house. I used to have a dog, I had a cat for a week, and once in law school I had ferrets. I’ve never been happier without any of them.

The only way I could see myself co-adopting a dog with someone would be if they were the ones who would be taking care of said animal at all times, and I just had to tolerate its presence in my home. Even then, that someone had better be pretty amazing – sexually, intellectually, emotionally, and otherwise.

So, in summation, my answer is no, I will not co-adopt a dog with you.

Brian asked: On which side of the family does above average body fur run?

Paolo di Avitabile - my ancestor

Well, on one side of the family is Paolo di Avitabile, whose reign over a province called Peshawar was so tyrannical that the natives of that region turned him into the bogeyman, even to this day telling their children that if they did not behave, “Abutabela” will come to get them. You might have heard of Peshawar – it’s now part of Pakistan.

And on the other side, a gorilla. So, you decide.

tbt-sandiegozoo

Stacy asked: I know too well – and I know you do, too – that all too often the funniest, most gregarious, compassionate people are those who are most tortured inside. Whether it’s demons, an asshole inner critic, or any other negative thoughts descending, how do you ward them off? Robin Williams is a tragic example of what I mean when I ask you: what do you to to make sure you’re making yourself smile as much as you make others smile and laugh? How do you strike a balance between Adam the Real Person and Adam the Altruistic Comedian? Do you ever find it difficult to separate yourself from the stage?

I don’t ward them off. I let them out. It’s just as important to me to write about the things that weigh me down as those that lift me back up again.

Sometimes I just want someone to love me, hold me, tell me it's all going to be okay, then tell me to look for the rabbit and shoot me in the head.

For someone like myself, a narcissist who has no true identity beyond what his audience thinks of him, I can’t ever separate myself from the stage. Even at home, alone, I treat my life as if it were on TV. But as long as I have that outlet for the darkness that makes me who I am, I will always be fine.


That’s it for part 3! The rest will come over the next few days, but in the meantime:

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