A judge in Saudi Arabia ruled that husbands are allowed to slap their wives if they spend lavishly. [source] Obviously, this has caused a bit of controversy, due to some of the draconian attitudes that Saudis have towards the proper treatment of women. However, we're not so different, the Saudis and us. Just like there, we have rules about when it's okay to slap, punch, pummel, or pull the hair of the person that you swore to love until death do you part. Unlike in Saudi Arabia, though, these rules are unwritten. Until now:
It is okay to abuse your wife when . . .
- You don't take the garbage out and she puts the garbage bag by the front door as a hint.
- Your beer gets warm and she doesn't immediately jump up to get you a new chilled glass.
- Those socks that you left on the floor when you went to bed are still there the next day.
- She won't watch Die Hard or Terminator with you for the millionth time.
- Your son is named Taylor or Hunter or Caden, at her insistence.
- She stitches the holes in your underwear with pink thread.
- She buys generic cereal instead of the brand name stuff you like.
- She likes Hanson.
- Your hot chocolate doesn't have tiny marshmallows in it.
- Her paycheck is more than yours.
- She calls you by your real name during sex instead of Sir Kevin Longschlong, the rakish but handsome squire visiting the US for the first time.
- You're told to take the Christmas lights down before July 4th.
- The dog farts.
- You fart.
- She knows more euphemisms for masturbation than you do.
- Her favorite TV show is "The Hills."
- It's a day that ends in "y."
If you follow these simple rules, then you too can enjoy a life of leisurely domestic abuse without concern. Should an overzealous district attorney decide to take your case to court, the judge will instantly dismiss or sabotage your case with a nod and a wink. Should your spouse decide to fight back, she'll be summarily executed as a threat to the freedom of this country. It's a great world here in 2009, but it's wonderful to know that we still have strong old-fashioned values from the early 1900s.
