I'm telling you now. You really don't want to read this story. It's a horrifying example of (a) how disgusting college boys are and (b) things you never wanted to think about.

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Still here? Fine.

When I was a freshman in college, I had a roommate for the first semester. Dan was one of those guys that seemed nice but turned out to be a bit of a prick. Maybe he was uncomfortable because I was one of three guys who had to get him out of his vomit-stained clothes and into bed when he was passed out drunk at a frat party, or maybe he just couldn't figure out why I didn't really drink, but that's neither here nor there.

Unlike every other dorm room on our floor, ours was at the corner of the building, where it formed an L shape. This meant that we actually had two separate rooms with a large doorway. This was a nice arrangement because it gave each of us our own privacy.

What did I do with my privacy, you might ask? (well, nobody should be asking, because none of you should be reading this!)

I masturbated. Constantly. And I wasn't down with the whole "come into a tissue" thing, because you always got paper stuck to the head of your dick that you had to wash off in the shower and then guys thought you were playing with yourself in the group shower. And I didn't want to jerk off in a sock or a towel or anything like that, because I had to do my own laundry and the laundry room was down five flights of stairs in the basement.

So, instead, I had a cup that I got at a frat party that seemed like the perfect seminal receptacle. And at night, when I was done masturbating, I would ejaculate into the cup, and then put it aside. Now, at first, I had good intentions. Each night, I'd say to myself, "Self, I'll wash that out in the morning." But then, once I woke up, I'd realize that it was mostly dried, so what was the point?

Instead, I just continued to add layer upon layer of sticky semen. And I did learn one interesting tidbit, too – It never really dried completely. Each new addition of semen just added to the glistening gelatinous pile that ended up looking like a yellow-white version of that sticky green slime you could buy from the coin-op machines at the grocery store.

Let me digress at this point to introduce two new characters, Todd and TJ. TJ had the room right next to ours, and he was a very mellow guy. Very. Mellow. Always with the mellowing. And one day, he got caught being mellow and getting mellow and they mellowed his mellow ass out of the dorms. Todd was the resident asshole on our floor. He was very gung-ho about fraternities and he played baseball and he thought he was pretty much the king shit. ("Thought" being the operative word. The night I held a 9-inch blade up to his throat and told him to shut the fuck up so that I could get some sleep and he almost peed himself is another story for another time).

Here we were, with TJ gone and an empty room on our floor. Todd knew that Dan and I didn't really get along, so, one day, he took it upon himself to start moving my stuff into the empty room. While he would protest that he thought he was helping, the truth was that I hadn't yet decided to move, and my parents had said "no," due to the cost of a single vs. double. But I came home from class to find many of my possessions moved to the empty single, with only my bureau and its contents remaining. I refused to help, so Todd and Dan started carrying over all of the items that littered the top of the bureau.

Todd picked up the cup and looked at it strangely. I tried to bite my lip and not look horrified. He looked inside, then stuck his finger in there and pushed. "What is this, Avitable?" he asked. "A candle or something?"

"Yes, it's a candle, Todd. Smell it and see if you can see what type." I tried not to guffaw and pee myself.

So he stuck his nose all the way into the cup and took one big sniff.

The best part was what was stuck to his nose when he pulled it out.

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