After spending a weekend at IZEAfest listening to people talk about social networking and their expertise in said arena, I have decided that I need to be at the forefront of a new trend. I want to be the pioneer of anti-social networking.
I will call this new network "Avitter", and here's how it would work:
1. Create a profile. There are no fields for your name or your URL or your personal information. Instead, you fill in your favorite quotes, snarky views on life, and showcase why you're better than all of those people with whom you don't want to be friends.
2. Don't follow anyone. It's not worth it, because people are stupid.
3. If someone wants to follow you, they have to demonstrate that they really, really, really want it. First, they request to follow you through the site. They will then be provided with a unique 128 digit hexadecimal series that will be their private pin. Next, they will be required to fill out a 10-page application, including a short essay, the subject of which would be "Why I Want To Be Your Friend". After you review their application, if you determine that they may be worthwhile to permit, an in-person interview will be scheduled, and a deep background check will be ordered. Finally, after you've approved them, they have to input their pin every time they try to view your profile, your posts, reply to you, or even if they think of you.
4. Now that you have your anti-social network in place, all you have to do is create content! For the best Avitter experience, talk about people you hate, look down your nose on things that you are incapable of doing, and roll your eyes at people for taking actions that you've never tried before.
After these four simple steps, you'll be all set. Before too long, you'll be an expert on anti-social networking! Bigger and bigger advertisers will shun you, more and more PR reps will never email you, and the largest online magazines will never ask you to write for them. As you sit back in your dank, darkened room, with the glow of your monitor giving your face an evil, sickly glow, you can sit back and relax, knowing that you've conquered the anti-social networking game!
