Posts Tagged ‘faiqa’

What a Faiqa wants, a Faiqa gets

Saturday, January 9th, 2010

Today is the birthday of the vibrant, amazing, generous, intelligent, nuanced, and attractive Faiqa Khan. I'm not sure how old she is, but I'll just guess. Happy 40th birthday, Faiqa!

I was having a hard time thinking of what I could do for her birthday. Here is a woman who has everything. A doting husband, two lovely children, a nice home in a neighborhood guarded against solicitors and Mexicans, and all the potential in the world. Luckily, though, she made it easy on me with a post she wrote on Thursday, letting all of her gracious readers know exactly what she wants for her birthday. I've decided to give her exactly what she wants. Her birthday wishes are in bold below:

1. Say thank you and please. Even to people who are supposed to just be doing their jobs.

I picked up a hooker and said "Please give me a half and half" and when she was done, I tossed her a napkin and said "Thank you."

2. Have an open mind when discussing another person’s opposing point of view.

I was walking down the street and some bastard said "Have a nice day!" I smashed him in the face and then kicked him in the ribs, but then I realized that it really was a nice day, so I thanked him for his perspective and continued on.

3. Don’t let your insecurity get in the way of believing people when they compliment you.

Usually when people whistle and say "Nice ass", I blush. Last time, though, I started to strut.

4. Hug your family and friends, tell them why you love them and why they’re special to you.

I'll take it a step further. I started hugging random strangers and random little kids in McDonald's Playland.

5. Remove harm from someone’s way. Even if it’s a piece of broken glass on the sidewalk. Help keep people safe.

In order to avoid causing whiplash from sudden stops, I removed all of the stop signs within a one-mile radius of my home.

6. If you believe in God, remember that God created every single thing. Treat his creations with respect and love. Exercise humility with regard to your blessings.

Wait – did He create Rush Limbaugh? I don't know if I can do this birthday wish.

7. Tell your children and spouse that you are proud of them.

I don't have children, so I told someone else's children. Can you bail me out of jail?

8. Take a deep breath and meditate on the following for thirty seconds: world peace.

I tried this, and then I got really bored and started thinking about whirled peas.

9. Remember that a single opinion does not define anyone. A person can be incredibly wrong about one thing and incredibly right about something else.

I will remain steadfast in that knowledge, despite my opinion that the government injects AIDS into chicken nuggets and that the moon landing was fake.

10. Sing loudly in front of the mirror while you’re getting ready for the day. Be the rock star that I know you are.

I've been getting ready for the day in a Dunkin Donut's bathroom, but I still sang "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyl's loudly and proudly.

11. Let someone in front of you in traffic.

Let them what?

12. Call someone you’ve been meaning to call but have been too busy to do so.

I finally called my grandfather. Turns out he's dead, though, so thanks a hell of a lot for that.

13. Don’t feel guilty. Either do something to fix it or forget about it.

I finally punched a nun. Thank you, Faiqa!

14. Don’t dissect anyone behind their back. You have a problem with someone or the way they’re handling something? Just tell them and get it over with.

Apparently, the Secret Service don't like it when you drive onto the Bush compound and try to tell W something to his face.

15. Eat something green. With leaves. Candy doesn’t count.

Well, I didn't eat it. I smoked it. But only twice because I was told that for a first timer, that's all I should do.

16. Relax. In the grand scheme of time, this really isn’t a big deal.

Fuck, you're right. It's just your birthday.

17. Turn off the TV and just sit. In silence. Embrace your thoughts. Renounce nothing in this moment and sit in a state of complete acceptance.

But what if I have to pee?

18. Even if it did not turn out just the way you wanted, look at this project with joy, acceptance and openness. You tried. And assume that everyone else did, too.

Okay, wait a second. Trying is not enough. If you tried and it didn't turn out right, you did something wrong! I don't know if I can stand behind this birthday wish either.

19. Think of someone who has wronged you, that you hate, that has hurt you. Now, pray for/send positive thoughts to them.

If I pray "I hope that you get hit by a car but that you die instantly instead of suffering," does that count?

20. Give yourself a big hug from me. Tell yourself that I’m glad you were born, that I’m glad you are alive, and that I want the best for you. Because it’s true.

I did that, and I threw in a little rub and a tug at the same time. Thank you!

Happy birthday, Faiqa. I am lucky to count you among my closest friends. I hope your birthday is filled with the love and joy that you deserve.

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Posted in Bloggers | 29 Comments »

Bollywood Night

Saturday, July 18th, 2009

Last night I went over to Faiqa and Tariq's house and had a Bollywood night with Britt & Jared, Hilly, and James & Carolina. We were served real Indian food that was delicious (even if it was toned down for my American palate) and we watched a Bollywood film called "Om Shanti Om". It was a fun night and both educational and entertaining!

Here are the top 5 things I learned about Bollywood movies:

5. The word "fish" is a perfectly good substitute for "fuck".
4. Alternating between Hindi and English is a good way to confuse the hell out of white people.
3. There is no such thing as "too many musical numbers" or "too long of a movie".
2. If you ever get stranded in India, just call everybody "Dude". They'll totally get it.
1. When in doubt, dance your fishin' ass off.

For your viewing pleasure, here's one of the more popular songs from the film. This song is notable because more huge Bollywood stars appeared together to sing and dance than ever before. You might recognize Bhrad Patel, Ghiorgi Kharouni, Rhaboort D'Neerah, Anjuli Shulie, and Sanjya Bhoolik if you look closely.

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Posted in Bloggers | 56 Comments »

Do you spank your kids?

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Last night on "Clearly, You're Retarded", my special guest host Faiqa and I discussed spanking as a form of discipline. If you want to check out the show, you can download the episode and listen to it or subscribe to the podcast on iTunes.

The interesting part of the show was the chatroom. While there were a few staunch anti-spanking people in there, for the most part, people seemed to agree that some type of physical discipline was necessary to make sure that your kids don't turn out to be spoiled rotten brats.

I support spanking, but within limits. It should never be done out of anger. It should never reach the level of a beating or physical abuse. And it should be limited to children from the ages of 3/4-9/10.

I don't think that spanking is the only discipline or the first resort. I think that it's just one tool that needs to be used at certain times under certain parameters, and in order for your child to turn out as good as possible, you need to use every tool in your arsenal.

Spanking is not lazy parenting. In fact, I think that if you don't spank or use any physical discipline at all, you're doing your children a disservice.

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Posted in Clearly You're Retarded, I am evil | 44 Comments »

Super Happy Special Announcement

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

Tonight there is a brand-new installment of "Clearly, You're Retarded" with a twist! Britt isn't able to do the show tonight, so instead, I have a super special guest host, Faiqa!

Faiqa is willingly stepping into Britt's shoes for the night to talk about spanking. Is it beneficial? Are people who don't spank bad parents? Why am I such an asshole?

All of these topics and more will be discussed at 9 PM EST. If you're going to listen, I strongly suggest that you download the TalkShoe Pro software – it's free and much more stable than the web interface.

Listen live online here: Clearly, You're Retarded

clearlyretarded_faiqa

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Posted in Clearly You're Retarded | 24 Comments »

The Baddest Muthafaiqa Around

Friday, January 9th, 2009

Baby Faiqa

There once was a chick named Faiqa,
It's very hard not to immediately lika,
She's smart and sassy
And snooty and classy
And would have preferred this to be a haika

It's very unusual for a blogger to show up out of nowhere and just take over by storm, but that's exactly what Faiqa has done. With a penchant for discussing her feelings in such a way that you really put yourself in her shoes (reminiscent of another amazing blogger), interspersed with savvy, insightful discussion (like this other unique blogger), her blog has become an intensely interesting yet familiar place to visit. Now all she needs to do is add in a little dolphin porn and more profanity and she'll be unstoppable!

In honor of her birthday today, I thought I would list a few other accomplishments that Faiqa's had over the last 33 years:

1. Just from listening to Faiqa during the 9 months of her pregnancy, Faiqa's daughter's first word was actually a glaring condescending look.

2. In high school, Faiqa's exploits were the origin of the phrase, "Once you go brown, you'll love going down."

3. Faiqa made national news for boycotting a theater chain that was showing "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" because she considered it socially and historically inaccurate.

4. Even though it's against her religion, Faiqa sneaks into farms and licks pigs.

5. Faiqa has a tattoo covering her entire back that looks like a portrait of the band Depeche Mode. She covers it with elaborate henna every time her parents come to visit.

6. In 1983, as a small girl, Faiqa made a waiter at Le Crepe en Haut cry when he brought her duck l'orange and it was undercooked.

7. In Pakistan, 90% of the citizens walk around wearing purple wristbands that say "WWFD?" The other 10% are related to her and call Faiqa directly to ask her what she would do.

8. The second Star Trek movie is actually about Faiqa.

9. Faiqa is not actually human. She's a robot, and her name is an acronym that stands for Fully Automated Insurgent Quashing Assassin. Her cousin is Johnny Five.

So, go on over and visit her and wish her a happy birthday and tell her how impressed you are with all of her accomplishments!

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Posted in Bloggers | 22 Comments »

Pakistan in the place where you were

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

I've known Faiqa since I was in 9th grade – she was a year ahead of me in the International Baccalaureate program and, just like the rest of us there, a huge nerd, dork, geek, and dweeb. Her guest post, a history lesson, shows that she hasn't really gotten away from those labels even in her old age:

What You Need to Know About Pakistan

Obama and McCain have been going at it quite a bit over Pakistan, lately.

I wonder, though, how many Americans even know where the fuck Pakistan is and, much less, why we should give a shit? Avitable’s got smart readers, but here’s some quick talking points in case you need to brush up.

Geography

Pakistan is located in Central Asia if the newly elected former dictator of Pakistan shamelessly kisses America’s ass to get billions of dollars in military aid. When America finds out that those same billions of dollars were spent building nuclear weapons to aim at India instead of fighting Islamic militants in Afghanistan, then Pakistan is magically relocated to the Middle East.

Language

Pakistan is pronounced Paa-kiss-taahn, not Pack-is-tan. Some dipshit in the L.A. Times wrote that Obama should stop saying Paakisstaahn and “say it like everybody else.” Personally, I think people who say Paakisstaahn sound smarter. Then again, sounding smart may not be a good idea if you want to win over American hockey moms.

People

Pakistani women are really, really hot and cool. Especially when they are in high school. Avitable can verify this.

Why You Give A Shit.
Given that Pakistan is 61 years old, its had ample time to get its shit together in the tribal areas that border Afghanistan, a.k.a, the birthplace of Al Qaeda. It has failed miserably at this. Obama’s actually taking it easy on Pakistan by not suggesting that we kick their asses from here until next Friday just yet. He’s given them tangible goals to meet, and expressed willingness to help them achieve those goals. McCain will most likely continue Bush’s policy of compromising Pakistani borders without their permission or warnings because he thinks you “shouldn’t talk about these things out loud.” Basically, McCain’s intended policy suggests that dialogue is bad, and an illegal invasion is good.

What You Can Do for Your Country
Be assured, we’re not going to war with Pakistan anytime soon since Pakistan is still, unequivocally, America’s bitch in the region. Nevertheless, the war at home is just as important as the war we’re not fighting abroad. The best way to convert the hearts and minds of people is by making them feel like shit about who they are, while making ourselves look enormously cool. Addressing newly immigrated Pakistanis with the terms “Paki,” “Raghead,” or “Pakistaini” ensures a high degree of success in this area. If that doesn’t work, just ask them if they’re from India. That will really upset them. Camel jockey is for Arabs, and if you don’t know that, you’re a fucking moron.

And THE Most Important Thing All Americans MUST Know About Pakistan
Avitable’s great-great-great-great-great grandfather was a 19th century Portuguese mercenary who governed over what is present day Peshawar in Pakistan. He was enormously cruel, and, to this day, parents threaten their children with the transliteration of his last name, Abu Tabela. If you’re even remotely acquainted with Avitable, you don’t even have to fact check this one to know that this has to be absolutely fucking true.

*The author of this post does not assume any ideological responsibility for the statements made above. Any declarations of jihad or reading of fatwas should be directed at the primary author of this blog, Adam Abu Tabela Avitable.

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Posted in Substitute Avitable | 32 Comments »