My second and final top ten list for 2008 is a list of awesome things that didn't actually happen. So let's kick back and reminiscimagine:

10. On November 4th, Senator Barack Obama won the state of Texas.

9. On January 22nd, Heath Ledger survived a drug overdose by jamming Ashley Olsen down his throat to induce vomiting.

8. On March 7th, every airline across the country reported that every flight for that day was on-time, landed early, and had a historically low number of crying babies and drunk people.

7. On September 15th, a huge multinational corporation went out of business, but not before the executives admitted that they were solely responsible, mismanaged their duties, were underqualified and overpaid, and gave away their salaries to ensure that the pensions of the other employees stayed intact.

6. On August 11th, two self-proclaimed Bigfoot Hunters were found mauled to death by an unknown creature while they were purportedly trying to pass off a rubber gorilla suit as a genuine Sasquatch corpse.

5. On May 13th, the Reverend Fred Phelps and his entire in-bred congregation and family over at Westboro Baptist Church were killed when the bus they were all riding on the way to protest another funeral accidentally exploded. Investigators said that it looked like a land mine, but they were ruling it an accident.

4. On October 28th, the Surgeon General announced that frequent masturbation among men has long-term benefits, including an increase in length of up to four inches, a slow reversal of male-pattern baldness and an increase in the man's IQ by 15 points.

3. On June 19th, Steve Jobs announced the new iPhone firmware update, which gave the user their choice of superpowers. The only caveat was that the user could only use the superpower to help other Apple users and if you wanted to change powers, you couldn't upgrade or switch out parts – you had to go buy a brand new iPhone.

2. On February 9th, citing the disintegration of the institution of marriage, the religious right pushed for states to enact legislature that limited marriage as an action that can only be performed between "a church-going, God-fearing man and woman who agree to keep their marriage intact even at the sake of their own happiness, and only when this union is approved by a minister or priest." The new concept of "shmarriage" for everyone else takes off like wildfire.

1. On April 15th, the IRS declared that "taxes are boring" and "all of your money is imaginary anyways" and declined to accept any tax returns that required payments to be made.

What's your favorite non-moment of 2008?

Happy New Year!