Posts Tagged ‘fat’

Things I miss. Things I don't.

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

As many of you know, I've lost about 120 pounds since last February, thanks to the lap-band surgery I had in March (Brief status update – I've plateaued for a little while, due mainly to my high levels of stress, but I'll start making progress again soon). The lap band prevents me from eating more than four ounces of food at a time, although if you drink liquids while you eat or eat very slippery foods (aka those with ranch/mayo/etc), you can eat a little more. Tonight, I'm at home, watching "Man v. Food" and thinking "I could do that show." Well, I could have. It would be hard to eat the largest steak in Colorado or the largest burrito in Texas now! That got me thinking . . .

The things I miss:

  • Eating an appetizer, bread, a huge entree, and dessert.
  • Enjoying a big bite of a burger.
  • That feeling of satisfaction of cleaning a plate of food.
  • Getting to actually eat Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Never worrying about vomiting or having trouble swallowing

The things I don't miss:

  • Not being able to sit in a booth or in a chair with restrictive arms.
  • Acid reflux and heartburn.
  • Difficulty doing anything strenuous like walking more than 100 yards.
  • Always being hot.
  • Never feeling comfortable in public.
  • Worrying if a chair would hold me.
  • Hating every photo taken of me.
  • Only shopping at a Big and Tall store.
  • Being unable to buckle my seatbelt without effort.
  • Worrying about being dead by 40.

I guess it's not such a big deal after all if I can't do what he can do on Man v. Food.

And in other Avitanews:

  1. If you asked a question a few days ago, or if you're curious, go here to see the 50 or so questions that I was asked, along with answers.
  2. Today's the last day to vote for a Room of Your Own for BlogHer, so if you haven't already, please do so. Click here for my room and here for Faiqa's.

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

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Posted in Serious stuff | 35 Comments »

RIPT Fusion – the Yummie Tummie for men

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

While I'm whoring it up in Vegas, here's a video where I try on the RIPT Fusion, which is the men's version of the Yummie Tummie.

I don't have anything to report with my satisfaction or dissatisfaction of said product, as I have yet to wear it with clothes and see how it looks, so my opinion on whether it's worth the price tag of $58.00 is still pending. Per the FTC, I should disclose that I did receive one (1) goat in return for receiving this product.

RIPT FUSION – can it hide the flab? from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

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Posted in Vlog | 23 Comments »

Weight loss requirement to graduate college

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

Lincoln University, a primarily black university, requires students to have their BMI tested and their waist circumference measured. Those above a certain threshold have to take an exercise class that meets three times a week or else they will not be allowed to graduate. The university sees this as part of their responsibility to help students meet the real world head on by addressing "when certain factors, certain behaviors, attitudes, whatever, are going to hinder that student from achieving and maximizing their life goals" (never mind that the chairman of the department can't even write a grammatically correct sentence and understand the difference between a singular subject and plural objects).

Some people might think that they've gone too far. I think that they haven't gone far enough. Here are some more requirements I think should be implemented:

  • Smokers should be required to do cardiovascular activity three hours a week.
  • Students with perpetual BO should be hosed down and scrubbed with brushes at least twice a week.
  • Everyone who wears their pants down too far or clothes that are too tight resulting in layers of fat sticking out needs to take "Tim Gunn 101: Fashion Mistakes and You".
  • Sluts and manwhores are required to work once a week at the local VD clinic and once a week at the local abortion clinic.
  • Anybody who has fingernails that are longer than an inch must take an intensive advanced typing class.
  • All virgins must take a class trip to Vegas to lose their virginity.
  • Vegetarians must kill one cow a month.
  • Students who drink more than one alcoholic drink a week will be required to go live under a bridge and share a bottle of hooch with a hobo every other Thursday.
  • Anyone who lies will be killed by ninjas for being dishonorable.
  • Everyone with a facial tattoo or other tacky tattoo must practice saying "Would you like fries with that?" 100 times a week.
  • Anyone caught playing roleplaying games will be required to join the football, lacrosse, or rugby team.
  • Any student who plays competitive sports must take one business class, one marketing class, and one How To Kill Your Wife and Get Away With It Like OJ class.
  • All students with a GPA of 3.8 or higher should be required to attend a seminar entitled "Your GPA doesn't mean shit after you get your job so don't rely on it."
  • Any student caught cheating will be bailed out by the university with a full scholarship and a $20,000/year stipend.

Maybe if all universities followed these guidelines, we'd end up with a graduating class that could reach their full potential and maximize their life goals. We can only dream!

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Posted in General | 32 Comments »

I am fat

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

My name is Adam Heath Avitable and I am fat.

On my birthday this year – January 26th, I turned 32. And I weighed 410 pounds.

My weight has always been an issue. In high school, it was the same old story as most fat guys you know. I was strong, I could eat anything, and I was unstoppable. In college, the freshman 15 was more like the freshman 40, and by the time I graduated at the age of 21, I was on my way to being obese.

Law school wasn't much better. A sedentary lifestyle combined with a love for every delicious food that existed led to a steady increase in my weight. I met Amy and had a reason to try to lose weight. For her, I tried several different diets and they all failed. They all failed for one reason – I wasn't doing it for myself. This meant that I'd cheat. And gain even more weight.

My third year of law school, I finally decided that I wanted to lose weight FOR MYSELF. Doing nothing more than Weight Watchers, I stuck with it for four months and lost 40 pounds. I felt better, Amy was happier, and I could see a change coming. Unfortunately, though, that change was a move to Los Angeles where I worked 14 hours a day starting a company, ordering food in, eating some of the worst food I could possibly ever eat. A Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger with fries and a chocolate chip cookie from Carl's Jr. was my breakfast. And that was the lowest calorie meal I'd eat all day.

I never weighed myself. I was too scared to see the reality of the situation, but I noticed in other ways. Getting a booth at a restaurant was a risky proposition because some restaurants had less room than others, so I'd always ask for a table. I wouldn't go to Olive Garden because their chairs had arms on them that would make it uncomfortable. Going through turnstiles at theme parks became impossible and I had to ask the attendant to let me walk through the handicapped gate. Airplane seat belts were a joke. Every chair was assessed for sturdiness before I'd lower myself into it.

The worse things got, the more stressed I'd get. Combined with the stress of owning my own business and the fact that I am a stress eater, I'd just eat more and more. I could eat a small birthday cake in two days' time. I would go to Burger King at 11:00 at night and get a Triple Whopper, a BK Double Stacker, Large Fry, and a Hershey's Sundae Pie. I'd order an entire large pizza just for myself. And at night I would snore like a freight train, I would stop breathing for minutes at a time thanks to apnea and I'd eat Tums like they were candy to prevent the inevitable heartburn and acid reflux.

I knew that I wanted to lose weight. I knew that I wanted to take the stress off of my heart and my joints before it was too late. I just couldn't do it. I poured everything I had into my business, and that meant leaving my health as the lowest possible priority. The chance of dying of a heart attack by 40 was very real. And I decided that I needed to stop making excuses, recognize my weaknesses, and ask for help.

In January of this year, I met with Dr. Stephen Levine of Coastal Bariatrics in Ormond Beach, Florida. Dr. Levine performs LAP-BAND surgery on obese patients throughout Central Florida. Simply put, the laparascopic band is a small silicone band placed at the top of your stomach that creates a small pouch. Since the nerves that tell your brain that you are full are located at the top of your stomach, when this pouch fills up with food, it sends a signal to your brain telling you that you are full, and you retain that feeling of being full for 4-5 hours afterwards. Since the pouch only holds about four ounces of food, you fill up quickly, significantly limiting your caloric intake, losing weight in a way similar to other surgical solutions without the risks inherent to those avenues.

Dr. Levine and I had a long discussion. He saw me as a viable candidate for the surgery, but before he was willing to schedule the surgery, I had to lose 5-10% of my weight first. So after my 32nd birthday, I weighed myself on a special scale that was designed for obese people weighing over 400 pounds, and started to lose.

From February 1st to March 1st, I had lost 30 pounds, alternating between achieving ketosis with no carbs and a liquid diet that was high in protein and low in calories. On March 2nd, my surgery was scheduled for March 25th. For the three weeks before my surgery, I was on an exclusively liquid diet, drinking high protein shakes and bottles of water four or five times a day, and that was it. And on the day of my surgery, I weighed in at 360 pounds – 50 pounds lost in less than 60 days.

The surgery was quick. I was home that afternoon and back to work the next morning. For the next few weeks, I was restricted to liquids, and then pureed foods, and then soft mushy foods, and finally real food.

Eating real food has some caveats, though. I weigh my food for most meals. Anything more than four ounces will come right back up. I have to chew my food 15-20 times per bite. Every meal should take me 15-20 minutes minimum. Certain foods will not go down properly and will make me choke or, even worse, vomit. My intake of soda has to be limited considerably. No more liquid calories. No more gulping food. My life, which has revolved around food and eating, has changed. My lifestyle has changed.

On my birthday this year – January 26th, I weighed 410 pounds.

Today, I weigh 310. I can sit in booths and go through turnstiles and walk around all day without getting short of breath. But I'm not done yet. By October, I plan on weighing 260. By December, 240. And by my 33rd birthday – January 26th, 2010, I plan on being at my goal weight of 225.

My name is Adam Heath Avitable and I am fat.

For now.

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Posted in Serious stuff | 414 Comments »

Faticide

Thursday, March 13th, 2008

I was flipping through the channels the other night when I saw a news report. It started out by saying that obesity now causes more deaths than smoking, and then it was going to explain 15 ways that obesity results in death. I was going to watch the rest of it, but Zoey 101 was on Nickelodeon, and I wasn't sitting there naked with a jar of Vaseline so I could watch some stupid news show.

It got me thinking, though. In what ways obesity can cause death? Since I never got to see their actual facts, I can only surmise what these 15 ways are. Here are my guesses:

1. Grease related: After cooking six hamburgers on the skillet to eat for an afternoon snack, you slip on the grease that's splashed on the ground, fall flat on your back, and the skillet full of grease lands on your face, drowning you with its wonderful tasty contents.

2. Grease related, driving: Hunger pangs mean you need to stop at McDonald's and get some french fries while driving home. You have to settle for a large fry because of fucking Morgan Spurlock and his stupid documentary, but the grease on those fries is sufficient to make your fingers very slippery. You come up on a sharp turn, your hands slip along the wheel, and you drive right through the guardrail, plunging to your fiery, greasy death.

3. Exercise related, outside: You decide to go for a walk to burn off the calories from the four Twinkies that you used as hot dog buns for four hot dogs slathered in mayonnaise. You manage to walk fourteen steps and then decide to rest in the bushes for a bit. The high-pitched wheezing that you emit as you catch your breath attracts a pack of Siberian wolf huskies, who think that you are a beached sea lion and eat your face.

4. Exercise related, inside: You get on the treadmill and start walking. Since you weren't able to reach your feet, however, your shoelaces are untied, and they get sucked into the track of the treadmill, causing you to fall to the ground. At an agonizingly slow speed, the treadmill sucks you into its gears, inch by inch.

5. Sex related, men: In an effort to see your penis, you try to simultaneously suck in your gut, thrust out your hips and look down as quickly as possible. The quick motions cause a massive ripple effect that resonates throughout your body and collides at your neck, snapping it instantly.

6. Sex related, women: Riding on top of your partner, your frantic up and down motion causes the bed to split evenly in two. The headboard and footboard snap together like a bear trap, popping your head off like a grape.

7. Clothing related, putting on: As you squeeze into your shirt that fit fine five years ago, you hold your breath. This lasts for about eight seconds, at which point you quickly exhale, causing all of your buttons to pop off at an almost supersonic speed. They ricochet off of the mirror in front of you and the resulting shrapnel pierces your brain via your eyeballs.

8. Clothing related, taking off: As you sit in the chair and try to reach your feet to take off your socks, you have to pull your foot towards you. Your hands slip off your foot and you punch yourself directly in the nose, driving a small bone into your brain and killing yourself within seconds.

9. Travel related, driving: As you are coming up on a railroad crossing, a train starts coming. Your foot presses down on the brake, but since your foot is three feet wide, you press both the gas and brake simultaneously. This causes you to drift slowly forward until you are up on the tracks directly in the train's path. You manage to get out of the car and try to run away, but running's hard, so you lay down to take a breather. On the tracks. The train hits you and derails, killing hundreds.

10. Travel related, flying: Even though you used the handicapped stall at the airport before you left, you still have to pee halfway through the flight. You walk into the bathroom and pee standing up because you can't turn around. Even after peeing, you're still stuck, so you gently try to pivot to exit the bathroom. This doesn't work, so you begin to move side to side violently trying to force yourself to turn around. These massive fluctuations in movement cause the plane to lose control and spiral to the ground where it explodes in a huge fireball.

11. Television related, self-inflicted: You settle in your favorite chair and start watching TV. The remote isn't working very well, and the TV is currently on a marathon of "According to Jim". You don't want to get up to change channels, because that's too much effort, so you commit suicide by swallowing your own tongue.

12. Television related, other-inflicted: You settle in your favorite chair and start watching TV. After watching several hours of a marathon on The Food Network, you are crazed with hunger and try to eat your television. Either the electrical jolt or the shards of electronics bouncing through your intestines kill you.

13. Bathroom related, bathing: Since you're unable to wash your own back, stomach, and legs, you simply rinse them off in the shower. Little do you realize that, as a result, a small colony of fungus appears on your back. The fungus evolves into a community, and finally colonizes other parts of your body. Before long, imperialism sets in, and the colonies fight back and forth across the expanse of your body. All of the colonies develop advanced weaponry, and the war that breaks out culminates in the use of nuclear weaponry, which fries you in an instant.

14. Bathroom related, toilet use: Each time you sit on the toilet, it cracks a little. Finally, the stress of holding your weight is too much, and the entire toilet collapses into the sewer below. You are also swept underground where you are eaten by a giant crocodile.

15. Crime related: Unbeknownst to you, while you are out shopping one day, you bump into a mother who is holding her child. Her child is accidentally sucked into the folds of your flab. Amber alerts are issued and a nationwide manhunt for the child is underway when the police review the surveillance cameras from the store and watch the child disappear into your bodily black hole. With this evidence, the police confront you. You put your hands up to give up, but the police misinterpret this as a sign of aggression. Fearing that you are going to try to eat them, they open fire, firing 185 bullets, hitting you 42 times.

I'm pretty sure these are the same things the news was going to explain about the dangers of obesity, right?

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Posted in General | 73 Comments »