Yesterday, Turnbaby was talking about people flying their freak flag high, and that got me thinking:

I am a control freak. I've been told that by obnoxious fuckers thoughtful employees, family members, and people I pass on the street. Everyone uses it pejoratively, but I take it as a compliment. Why is being a control freak a bad thing?

Clearly, you can never be fully in control of a situation. It's impossible. There is always going to be some element of spontaneity and chance. You could be locked in your room with padded walls and a meteor could crash through your roof. The first step of being a good control freak is to realize that not everything will go according to plan.

The second step is making sure that you will control everything that you can control. This way, barring any unforeseen meteors, gas main explosions, wolf attacks, or power outages, things will operate as you expect them to.

The third step is realizing that most people are lazy idiots. If you put your trust in them, they will let you down, and if you trust them to perform some task that you see as vital, they will invariably make an error or fuck it up in some way. So, even if you have to delegate tasks to other people, it's important to keep on top of each person on a very regular basis until you know that they've handled their task perfectly.

Finally, it's important to be aware that you can be a control freak and still be flexible. Instead of creating only one option, come up with several, all related to different scenarios. This way, no matter the outcome, you have a solution.

A good control freak can make sure that things work as expected, that everything happens as it should, and that accidents and fuck-ups are at a minimum. And that means that everything works smoothly and things work efficiently! It's very simple and it's clear to me that the world needs control freaks if shit's gonna get done.

Without control freaks, things get out of control. Parties run out of food or booze. Cars get in accidents. Typographical errors are made. Clients are forgotten. It's a huge ball of chaos!

Here are the ways that I'm proudly a control freak:

1. I only go places where I know I'll be comfortable.
2. I hate to let others drive and will always drive if at all possible.
3. I hate to fly.
4. I don't drink, mainly because I don't want to be out of control.
5. I research carefully before making any major decisions.
6. I don't let other people schedule anything for me.
7. It's important for me to be aware of what's happening.
8. I don't like to let anyone else plan events.
9. I hate "winging it".
10. I despise surprises.
11. I plan for contingencies (e.g., packing three times the amount of underwear and socks, bringing extras of everything).
12. I'd rather host something than go to someone else's house as a guest.
13. I wish that I could calculate every possible outcome.
14. I hold myself to the same standard to which I hold others.
15. If I'm in control and things don't go well, I only have myself to blame. It's just much easier than blaming someone else for being a retard.
16. I try to avoid rollercoasters and other types of machinery that are being maintained by idiots making minimum wage.
17. Once I know a food that I like, I stick with it. Why experiment and risk getting something bad, thereby ruining the entire time?
18. If I'm not one of the decision makers of a group, I'd rather not participate.

What type of freak are you?