Posts Tagged ‘god’

Some inspirational Bible verses for Easter

Sunday, April 12th, 2009

Since almost all of my readers are deeply religious Christians who attend church weekly and sing the Lord's praises to the heavens, I thought I'd take the time today to provide you with some thought provoking verses from the Holy Bible that are related to Easter, also known as Resurrection Day to those in my faith.

John 11:25-26
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. But he who doesn't believe in me but instead believes in those Mohammad and Allah chuckleheads, well, he's fucked."

Romans 1:4-5
And Jesus Christ our Lord was shown to be the Son of God when God powerfully raised him from the dead by means of the Holy Spirit. And though the raising from the dead was reparations in God's eyes for being a deadbeat dad, the court saw it and they said that it was Good. Now, through Christ, God has given us the privilege and authority to tell Gentiles everywhere what God has done for them, so that they will believe and obey him, bringing glory to his name.

Romans 6:8-11
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. Unless his head is removed by a sword, and you bear witness to the Quickening, lo, there can be only one.

Philippians 3:10-12
I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. And I want to break bread with him and I read his words and I am his number one fan. If I could meet the Lord Jesus Christ, I know in my heart of hearts that he and I would be best friends forever, and we would hang out with each other all of the time.

1 Peter 1:3
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. In His great rush to do so, though, He forgot a few things and now our Lord Jesus Christ keeps asking for brains.

Matthew 27:50-53
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people. And these people spread the word of the Holy Ghost. And then the Ghostbusters arrived and Dr. Venkman spilled his seed with Mary Magdalene.

Matthew 28:1-10
After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary, who is not a Rhoda no matter what the girls at school said, went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow and he looked like Legolas from that hobbit movie. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and shit their pants.

Orlando Bloom said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." Then he flipped his hair and the women swooned.

So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Um, I'm not really into that foot fetish shit. I could totally use a blowjob, though."

Happy Easter, everyone!

I admit it.

Wednesday, May 16th, 2007

I'm guilty. I did it. I killed the Rev. Jerry Falwell. (Does "Rev." stand for "Revolting"?) For those of you who are oblivious, Jerry Falwell was found dead in his office. It's assumed that he had a coronary episode. However, the truth is that I snuck into his office with my ninja skills and dispatched him using a poison that has potassium chloride in it, which simulated the conditions of a myocardial infarction. Once his Holy Fuckness was dead, I saw his soul for an instant, hovering above his body, before it was sucked down in a red flash, where hopefully he'll be anally raped for all eternity by a series of gay Muslim men wearing Teletubby masks. As is my typical custom, I celebrated Falwell's death by doing a little happy dance – it's what I usually do when despicable people shuffle off the mortal coil. And since I was the one who killed him, I was especially happy! Don't believe me? Just look below for proof of my ninjosity (Click for a larger version):

Ninja Avitable


In other news, when I got my mail today, I received an awesome postcard from the one and only Mr. Fabulous. He finally took me up on my advice to try necrophilia:

Postcards from the Edge

Thanks to Crystal for the idea for today's post.

My own personal Jesus

Saturday, April 28th, 2007

Fisting

Saturday, March 24th, 2007

Came across this revelatory and inspiring article encouraging Christians to fist because it is God's will.

Fisting and God's Will

The sex act called fisting is a source of confusion and misconceptions for many Christians. This is unfortunate, because it means that many Christian men and women are depriving themselves of what could be the most spiritual sexual experience of their lives. Like anal sex and BDSM, fisting is often mistakenly associated with the gay community or is considered a sex act too extreme to be appropriate for Christian couples. Not only are these views incorrect, but fisting actually has a scriptural precedent, as we will show.

The Fist of Might

Over and over in the scriptures, the hand and fist of God are described as a symbol of His awesome power and the means through which this power manifests: "O God, God of our ancestors, are you not God in heaven above and ruler of all kingdoms below? You hold all power and might in your fist.” (2 Chronicles 20:6) Of course, the Old Testament often makes reference to God smiting his enemies with his fist or striking down the wicked with his hand, but it is also the means through which he administers his blessings and benevolence to the righteous: ”You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.” (Psalms 145:16) Through the hand of the Lord, he guides us to do his will, touches our lives, expresses His love, and provides for our needs with His abundance.

The biblical significance of the hand is important, because in the act of fisting, one partner (usually male) inserts his entire hand and fist into the vagina or rectum of his partner. Rather than copulating with his penis, he penetrates her with his fist. Given the powerful symbolism of the fist, it is no surprise that couples who have partaken in the practice of fisting have described it as being a profoundly spiritual experience. On a symbolic and sexual level, a wife who is fisted by her husband has the experience of surrendering completely to the divine love and power of the Lord, as embodied by her partner’s hand. The husband in turn has the experience of touching and caressing her inwardly, in such a deep and intimate manner as God touches our own souls with His grace.

Powerful Yet Gentle

In the Song of Solomon, the Bible describes the act of fisting and the profound erotic bliss it induces: It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, "Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one”…My love thrust his hand through the opening, and my feelings were stirred for him. (Song of Solomon 5:2-4) Here we see the lover gently coaxing his companion to open up to him, metaphorically “knocking at her door,” preparing her sexually and emotionally to receive his hand inside her. Gradually he works more and more fingers into her, until the moment when her vagina yields and his hand slips fully inside her, thrusting “through the opening.” She then describes the powerful passion that this arouses in her as she envelopes his entire hand inside her body. Many couples describe this moment, as the fist makes full penetration into the vaginal opening, as transcendent and a sexual revelation. As the woman’s body accommodates her husband’s hand, both may experience a sense of physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual oneness.

Some common misconceptions about fisting are that it is very painful or that it is somehow violent or abusive. This is far from the truth, and as we can see from the above description, it can be a gentle, loving, and highly erotic act. Fisting does not have to be painful if it is performed correctly, using enough lubrication and patience. The hand is inserted in a slow and controlled manner, and is preceded and followed by other sexual stimulation which may lead to orgasm. Both the vagina and the rectum are extremely elastic – a vagina, after all, can stretch to accommodate a full-term baby. And in fact, a woman who has been blessed with motherhood can more easily enjoy fisting because her vaginal opening is more flexible.

The act of fisting is physically challenging to perform, requiring patience on the part of the active partner, and relaxation on the part of the receiving partner. It cannot be rushed, and the two participants must communicate closely, with the fister carefully observing and attending to his partner’s comfort and limits, and the fistee directing her partner as to when to push forward and hold back as he works his hand into her. A Christian couple can use fisting to build trust and intimacy between them, as well as strengthening their relationship with the Lord.

Fisting as an Act of Faith

Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure. The wife should pray for openness and readiness to receive God’s love and grace in the form of her husband’s hand.

Both should treat the act of fisting as a divine spiritual mystery to be entered into with reverence and awe, especially the husband. In another spiritual interpretation of fisting, as he inserts his hand into his wife’s vagina, a man is symbolically re-enacting the moment of truth following Christ’s resurrection from the tomb, when Doubting Thomas touches the wounds in the Savior’s flesh: Then He said to Thomas, "Put your finger here and observe My hands. Reach out your hand and put it into My side. Don't be an unbeliever, but a believer.” (John 20:27) Thomas’ doubt would not be satisfied until he physically felt the wounds in Christ’s body and penetrated His flesh with his hand. Likewise, the spiritual and sexual power of fisting cannot be known unless experienced physically.

Role Reversal

So far we have only discussed a husband fisting his wife, but some couples may wonder if it is appropriate for a wife to fist her husband if he enjoys anal stimulation. In most cases, a wife indulging her husband’s desire to receive light anal play is not problematic in the context of a healthy sexual relationship. A wife may even anally penetrate her partner with a strap-on dildo if he enjoys this, and if their respective roles as husband and wife are secure outside of the bedroom.

However, because of the intense nature of the act of fisting and the degree of surrender and submission involved in being fisted, a couple should first look deeply into their own hearts and pray for guidance as to whether it is wise for the wife to fist the husband. They should undertake this only if their relationship is such that the husband can assume a submissive and passive role during a sexual act, while afterward still maintaining his role as the spiritual head of the household and leader in the marriage.

And don't forget!

Go to the thread below and ask a question that I will answer. Any question on any topic, no matter how bizarre or personal. I'll keep the comments open for another day or two before I start answering, so get on it! Best question gets a prize!

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