Before you get today's post, you get some more pimping. Don't forget to go visit my new site, Postcard Hell and buy some embarrassingly funny postcards to send to your mom, your dad, and your favorite uncle. It's only $4 for a 4-pack, or $5 for the assorted pack. You'll be my favorite people in the whole world!

Sometimes I wonder why I get so many people who seemingly enjoy reading this drivel I write. Is it the nudity? Humor? Dogs licking vaginas? Nope. I figured it out – it's the barber stories!

Tuesday, I went in for a shave and a haircut (say two bits and I'll punch you in the crotch). I decided to make some changes, because even though I have been getting haircuts every two weeks and shaves every week, I still feel shaggy.

"Shave it all off." I said.

"Really?" Cori, the owner, asked.

"Really."

"Reeeealllyyy?"

" . . . Yup. Let's do it."

"Okay," she said and whipped out the razor and moved it towards my head with lightning speed.

"Wait wait wait wait wait!" I flinched with the humming razor a millimeter from my beautiful locks.

"You said okay!"

"Can't a boy change his mind? Let's not shave it all bare. How about you use the #3?"

"Fiiine. Take all of the fun out of my work." Cori put on the #3 guide which would still allow me to keep some of my hair.

"Hey, while you're shaving my beard, can you give me two eyebrows, too?"

"Only if you let me wax it instead of shaving it. You've got hair from your hairline down to your eyebrows, and under your damn eyes. It needs a waxing, Sasquatch!"

"Will it hurt?"

"Only about as much as this." She reached over and yanked one of my eyebrow hairs right out of my head.

"OW!"

"Pussy."

"Fine, I'll let you wax my eyebrows. Sigh."

In the end, the waxing wasn't really painful at all. She had to wax above my eyebrows all the way to my hairline, to the sideburns, and underneath my eyes, and the worst part was the anticipation. I didn't flinch in the slightest and talked to her the whole time that she did it. All of you women who talk about how painful it is are a bunch of pussies. Next week I'm having her wax my asshole.

Go behind the curtain for pictures of me at the barber. (more…)