With so much disinformation out there about President Obama's plan to reform the current health care system in America, I thought it was important to help clear the air. Much like I did when the swine flu hysteria hit the world, I've decided to take some important questions about the topic of health care reform, asked by Americans of President Barack Obama, and answer them in layman's terms:
Q: If this health care reform is so great, why did Congress vote to exempt themselves from said reform?
A: This is a myth. Congress has never voted to exempt themselves from any legislature that was foisted upon the unsuspecting American public. Except for income taxes, mandatory retirement, no parking in handicapped spots, Ticketmaster processing fees, mandatory gratuities of parties of six or more, removal of those tags from the underneath of mattresses, no sex in the champagne room, and health care reform.
Q: Are illegal immigrants covered under the plan?
A: Yes. And not only are they covered, but they get a super secret plan that will get them in to see doctors faster than you, plus they'll take the jobs of good hardworking Americans too.
Q: Won't government involvement in health care limit choices for the public?
A: Don't you think we have too many choices already? When visitors from Eastern Europe come to our country and visit the grocery store, many of them are struck deaf and blind instantly just from all of the choices they have. They're not used to having fourteen different types of bread from which to choose. All of these choices just make us pickier and whinier as a people. Shouldn't we just appreciate the loaf of bread that we have, not whine about it not being whole grain or unmoldy? Government involvement in health care will help us as Americans to appreciate the few choices that we can make. And that makes us stronger.
Q: Will health care reform empower a panel to decide end-of-life care for Americans?
A: No, this is a complete fabrication. There is no panel. It's more like a consortium.
Q: How will health insurance reform affect Native Americans?
A: Adhering to our long history of treating Native Americans with the utmost respect, dignity, and honesty, we will be providing all tribal members with H1N1 vaccinations that will actually infect them with a new deadlier strain of H1N1, and then we'll punch them in the crotch and run away with all of their jewelry.
Q: Will children with disabilities be turned down for the health care that they need?
A: Absolutely not. Children with disabilities will be able to receive all of the treatment that they need. Of course, a panel composed of an atheist, an unemployed stockbroker, two psychics, an illegal immigrant from Mexico and Osama Bin Laden will be convened to define the word "need" and to identify the criteria that disabled children must meet before receiving treatment.
Q: Is it true that health care reform would encourage or even require euthanasia for senior citizens?
A: This is not true – it is a distortion by a malicious disinformation campaign. This health care reform will not encourage euthanasia for senior citizens at all. In fact, it will actually focus a large amount of research efforts to discover the secret to eternal life! This research will enrich all of our lives and all it will require is the self-sacrifice of anyone over the age of 65. For research purposes, you see.
Q: What will happen to the health care for our veterans?
A: Quite simply, it will continue operating at the high level of quality with which it has been operating for decades.
Q: Will health insurance reform force me out of my current insurance plan or force me to change doctors?
A: Not at all. In fact, the reform will encourage you to stay with your doctor indefinitely. Even if you don't like your physician, you will be strongly guided towards remaining with him or her for the remainder of your natural life. If you do decide that you absolutely must change physicians, you will have an entire directory to choose from. And each time you change physicians, only one of your family members to be shocked with 20,000 volts! The rest of your family members will be perfectly fine unless you can't make up your stupid mind.
Q: Would insurers be required to provide preventative care, like mammograms, free of charge?
A: No, but if your creepy cousin Ralph offers a free mammogram, by all means, take him up on it.
Hopefully this has helped to alleviate your concerns about the health care reform that will be happening in our country. If you have any additional questions about the health care reform plan, contact your Congressman, State Representative, local hot dog vendor, barber, taxi driver, Rush Limbaugh, or any other random person with an uneducated, uninformed opinion.
