I was working on an interview with the recently deceased John Hughes, but it's taking longer than I thought. Instead, I thought I'd just share this little gem with you, sent to me by Nobody.
Have a great Monday!
Posts Tagged ‘holy’
Jesus Fucking Christ
Monday, August 10th, 2009Hobo no mo'
Wednesday, October 17th, 2007From now on, it's no more of this:
And more of this:
Oh, and I got the Transformers DVD today in a case that transforms into Optimus Prime! SQUEEEE!!
The atheist's nightmare
Sunday, July 1st, 2007
Before you get to read your regularly scheduled post, here's the NYCWD update:
As of right now, at midnight EST on Saturday, June 30th, we have just raised $3300! I'm really amazed and proud of the support and generosity of every single blogger who posted a comment on NYCWD's blog, made their own post about his tragic loss, or bought a graphic or two or ten! It's almost enough to turn this cynic's black, twisted heart into a real one.
So, today is it. This is your last chance to buy a graphic, and your last chance to pitch in and make a difference for NYCWD. Let's see if we can hit $3500!
And now, Sunday's post:
Firstly, I've decided that I'm not going to continue doing the Weeks in Review. They were fun to do, but very time consuming, and I think I'd rather focus my energy on a normal post on Sundays. I might come up with another shtick for Sundays, but I guess we'll see.
Today, I want to talk about Jesus.
Well, kind of. I wanted to bring two recockulous videos to your attention. I saw them a while ago, but a recent conversation with a blogger who is under attack by a fundamentalist Christian discussion board made me decide to post this.
Both of these videos are titled: "The Atheist's Nightmare." The first one has Kirk Cameron learning about how the banana is the atheist's nightmare because of the peel, the size, the consistency, and other factors. This video ignores, of course, the fact that this moron is using a domesticated banana that has been crossbred to be like it is, not a wild banana, which looks almost nothing like the domestic one. Which pretty much fucks his entire theory right in the ass, don't you think?
This next video discusses how peanut butter disproves the theory of evolution. I can't even waste the brainpower to explain how retarded this theory is. They completely misunderstand the basics of evolution. It's infuriating that a generation of people could grow up watching this tripe and thinking that it could possibly be true!
It's shit like this that gives normal, intelligent, logical Christians a bad name. This makes everyone think that if you're Christian, you're clearly an idiot lacking the intelligence of the chimpanzee from which you evolved. That you're a sheep who just follows, without thinking or investigating anything for yourself. The rest of the Christians, who make up at least 90% of the Christians out there, should hunt down these idiots and cockpunch them. Repeatedly.
Happy Sunday!
I admit it.
Wednesday, May 16th, 2007I'm guilty. I did it. I killed the Rev. Jerry Falwell. (Does "Rev." stand for "Revolting"?) For those of you who are oblivious, Jerry Falwell was found dead in his office. It's assumed that he had a coronary episode. However, the truth is that I snuck into his office with my ninja skills and dispatched him using a poison that has potassium chloride in it, which simulated the conditions of a myocardial infarction. Once his Holy Fuckness was dead, I saw his soul for an instant, hovering above his body, before it was sucked down in a red flash, where hopefully he'll be anally raped for all eternity by a series of gay Muslim men wearing Teletubby masks. As is my typical custom, I celebrated Falwell's death by doing a little happy dance – it's what I usually do when despicable people shuffle off the mortal coil. And since I was the one who killed him, I was especially happy! Don't believe me? Just look below for proof of my ninjosity (Click for a larger version):
In other news, when I got my mail today, I received an awesome postcard from the one and only Mr. Fabulous. He finally took me up on my advice to try necrophilia:
Thanks to Crystal for the idea for today's post.
My own personal Jesus
Saturday, April 28th, 2007Easter at my church
Saturday, April 7th, 2007A reading from the book of Avitable:
And when the sixth hour was come, there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour.
And at the ninth hour JC cried with a loud voice, saying "Holy God that hurts!" He was mocked and given laughter instead of treatment.
After this, JC knowing that his project would not yet be accomplished, that this script would not be fulfilled, said, "Oh, shit."
When JC therefore heard the laughter, he said "It is finished:" and he fell over and gave up the ghost.
For those of us who listen to the Church of Holy Avitableness, Easter is a time of remembrance and celebration around the death and subsequent resurrection of JC, which stands, of course, for John Candy.
Every year, on Easter weekend, we gather around the multiplexes and await the sign of his return. Whether it is "The Great Outdoors 2", "Uncle Buck's Back", "Planes, Trains, Automobiles and Monorails", or even "Who's Harry Crumb This Time?", we will faithfully await the sign of his return, which will usher in a new era of laughter to this world.
Followers of the Church of Holy Avitableness are encouraged to gorge themselves this weekend. Consume massive amounts of chocolate, in the form of bunnies, Cadbury Creme Eggs, Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, or chocolate statues of JC. Eat cheeseburgers by the bucket and consume massive amounts of liquor in celebration of our apostle, JC.
May peace be with all of you fuckers. Praise be to me.
And don't forget! Go vote for me, or you will rot in Avitahell for all eternity!
Fisting
Saturday, March 24th, 2007Came across this revelatory and inspiring article encouraging Christians to fist because it is God's will.
Fisting and God's Will
The sex act called fisting is a source of confusion and misconceptions for many Christians. This is unfortunate, because it means that many Christian men and women are depriving themselves of what could be the most spiritual sexual experience of their lives. Like anal sex and BDSM, fisting is often mistakenly associated with the gay community or is considered a sex act too extreme to be appropriate for Christian couples. Not only are these views incorrect, but fisting actually has a scriptural precedent, as we will show.
The Fist of Might
Over and over in the scriptures, the hand and fist of God are described as a symbol of His awesome power and the means through which this power manifests: "O God, God of our ancestors, are you not God in heaven above and ruler of all kingdoms below? You hold all power and might in your fist.” (2 Chronicles 20:6) Of course, the Old Testament often makes reference to God smiting his enemies with his fist or striking down the wicked with his hand, but it is also the means through which he administers his blessings and benevolence to the righteous: ”You open Your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.” (Psalms 145:16) Through the hand of the Lord, he guides us to do his will, touches our lives, expresses His love, and provides for our needs with His abundance.
The biblical significance of the hand is important, because in the act of fisting, one partner (usually male) inserts his entire hand and fist into the vagina or rectum of his partner. Rather than copulating with his penis, he penetrates her with his fist. Given the powerful symbolism of the fist, it is no surprise that couples who have partaken in the practice of fisting have described it as being a profoundly spiritual experience. On a symbolic and sexual level, a wife who is fisted by her husband has the experience of surrendering completely to the divine love and power of the Lord, as embodied by her partner’s hand. The husband in turn has the experience of touching and caressing her inwardly, in such a deep and intimate manner as God touches our own souls with His grace.
Powerful Yet Gentle
In the Song of Solomon, the Bible describes the act of fisting and the profound erotic bliss it induces: It is the voice of my beloved! He knocks, saying, "Open for me, my sister, my love, My dove, my perfect one”…My love thrust his hand through the opening, and my feelings were stirred for him. (Song of Solomon 5:2-4) Here we see the lover gently coaxing his companion to open up to him, metaphorically “knocking at her door,” preparing her sexually and emotionally to receive his hand inside her. Gradually he works more and more fingers into her, until the moment when her vagina yields and his hand slips fully inside her, thrusting “through the opening.” She then describes the powerful passion that this arouses in her as she envelopes his entire hand inside her body. Many couples describe this moment, as the fist makes full penetration into the vaginal opening, as transcendent and a sexual revelation. As the woman’s body accommodates her husband’s hand, both may experience a sense of physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual oneness.
Some common misconceptions about fisting are that it is very painful or that it is somehow violent or abusive. This is far from the truth, and as we can see from the above description, it can be a gentle, loving, and highly erotic act. Fisting does not have to be painful if it is performed correctly, using enough lubrication and patience. The hand is inserted in a slow and controlled manner, and is preceded and followed by other sexual stimulation which may lead to orgasm. Both the vagina and the rectum are extremely elastic – a vagina, after all, can stretch to accommodate a full-term baby. And in fact, a woman who has been blessed with motherhood can more easily enjoy fisting because her vaginal opening is more flexible.
The act of fisting is physically challenging to perform, requiring patience on the part of the active partner, and relaxation on the part of the receiving partner. It cannot be rushed, and the two participants must communicate closely, with the fister carefully observing and attending to his partner’s comfort and limits, and the fistee directing her partner as to when to push forward and hold back as he works his hand into her. A Christian couple can use fisting to build trust and intimacy between them, as well as strengthening their relationship with the Lord.
Fisting as an Act of Faith
Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure. The wife should pray for openness and readiness to receive God’s love and grace in the form of her husband’s hand.
Both should treat the act of fisting as a divine spiritual mystery to be entered into with reverence and awe, especially the husband. In another spiritual interpretation of fisting, as he inserts his hand into his wife’s vagina, a man is symbolically re-enacting the moment of truth following Christ’s resurrection from the tomb, when Doubting Thomas touches the wounds in the Savior’s flesh: Then He said to Thomas, "Put your finger here and observe My hands. Reach out your hand and put it into My side. Don't be an unbeliever, but a believer.” (John 20:27) Thomas’ doubt would not be satisfied until he physically felt the wounds in Christ’s body and penetrated His flesh with his hand. Likewise, the spiritual and sexual power of fisting cannot be known unless experienced physically.
Role Reversal
So far we have only discussed a husband fisting his wife, but some couples may wonder if it is appropriate for a wife to fist her husband if he enjoys anal stimulation. In most cases, a wife indulging her husband’s desire to receive light anal play is not problematic in the context of a healthy sexual relationship. A wife may even anally penetrate her partner with a strap-on dildo if he enjoys this, and if their respective roles as husband and wife are secure outside of the bedroom.
However, because of the intense nature of the act of fisting and the degree of surrender and submission involved in being fisted, a couple should first look deeply into their own hearts and pray for guidance as to whether it is wise for the wife to fist the husband. They should undertake this only if their relationship is such that the husband can assume a submissive and passive role during a sexual act, while afterward still maintaining his role as the spiritual head of the household and leader in the marriage.
And don't forget!
Go to the thread below and ask a question that I will answer. Any question on any topic, no matter how bizarre or personal. I'll keep the comments open for another day or two before I start answering, so get on it! Best question gets a prize!
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