For every smart, normal client we have, we have 10 who are gob-smacked morons. I purposely obfuscate the nature of the business I run for obvious reasons, but for clarity's sake, just understand that we sell a service to professionals – people with advanced degrees and higher education.
Here's an example of a recent phone call we received. I've made a few changes for privacy:
The phone rings.
Me: Hi and thanks for calling The Fucknuttery. This is Adam.
Them: ….
Me: Hi and thanks for calling The Fucknuttery. This is Adam. Can I help you?
Them: ….
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello?
Me: Can I help you?
Them: Hello?
Me: Hello?
Them: Is this The Fucknuttery?
Me: Yes. Can I help you?
Them: I'm looking to purchase some fucknuts, but I can't tell how to order them on your website.
Me: Did you see the section of our website called "How to order?"
Them: No, it's not there. I also couldn't figure out how much the fucknuts cost.
Me: Did you see the section of our website called "Pricing?"
Them: I don't see a section like that. I also don't know what fucknuts are.
Me: You don't know what they are?
Them: No, but I was searching for dipshits, and your site told me I had to buy fucknuts instead.
Me: I don't think our site says that – dipshits are a completely different product. We don't sell those or mention those anywhere.
Them: I'm looking at your site right now and it says, under where I typed "dipshits", "Did you mean fucknuts?"
Me: What website are you on?
Them: Ummm, let me see. double-u double-u double-u dot google dot com.
Me: That's not our website.
Them: You're not Google?
Me: No, we are The Fucknuttery.
Them: Well, why is your information on here?
Me: Because you're on a search engine. We are just one of the listings on there.
Them: Well, what's your website?
Me: www…
Them: www…
Me: TheFucknuttery.com
Them: Vfucknuttery.com?
Me: No, [thee].
Them: "V"?
Me: No, [thuh].
Them: What?
Me: T
Them: T
Me: H
Them: H
Me: E
Them: E
….
Them: Ohhhh! [thee]!
Me: TheFucknuttery.com
Them: Okay, got it. Now what exactly is a fucknut?
Me: It's a specific type of widget designed to help you flockle your hoosenagel.
Them: How much does it cost?
Me: Around $3,000, but we guarantee that it will work or you get a full refund.
Them: That's too much money. I can flockle my own hoosenagels. *click*
Sidenotes of Whoredom and Pushiness:
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