Posts Tagged ‘humor’

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Where's the strangest place you've ever made whoopie?

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

You may have seen from the news that a serial killer who was recently given the death penalty for murdering four women and a child between 1977 to 1979, Rodney Alcala, was actually a winning bachelor on "The Dating Game" in 1978.

While the media has picked up on a few of his answers as being relevantly creepy ("What's your best time?" "Nighttime.") and predictive, I have an actual transcript that shows his serial killer nature even more explicitly:

Question: Bachelor #1, we go on our second date. I don't like the beach or the movies. Where would you take me?
Answer: I'd blindfold you and drive you somewhere secluded where just the two of us could enjoy a very special time.

Question: Bachelor #1, if we got into an argument and I told you to leave, what would you do?
Answer: Oh no, we can't have that. I don't even let Mother talk to me in that tone. I'm not a naughty boy and don't deserve to be punished!

Question: Bachelor #1, what do you look for in a girl that you want to date?
Answer: Weak arms and no long fingernails.

Question: Bachelor #1, what is the most appealing part of your personality?
Answer: It depends whether or not I've given into the rage or appeased it with a sacrifice.

Question: Bachelor #1, it's our fourth date, and I've invited you into my home. What base would you try to get to?
Answer: Fourteenteen red.

Question: Bachelor #2, why should I choose you?
Answer: Well, first of all, because I'm not a fucking serial killer. I mean, c'mon, have any of you even been listening to Bachelor #1? He's creeping me out with the drooling and Charles Manson hair and the way he keeps touching himself. I'm telling you, if you go with him, you will die.

Question: Bachelor #1, same question.
Answer: Because you and I would fit together like a glove and a ball, or like a skin suit and a person wearing said skin suit.
(Bachelor #2): SEE??!??

I'd transcribe more, but that's when he pulled the dead cat out from his jacket and began to swing it around his head by the tail and called it his Jesus Helicopter Cat. You can't get much more explicit than that, people.

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Posted in General | 18 Comments »

My interview with my recently deceased grandmother

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Nana (pictured here with Uncle Saddam)

My grandmother, pictured above with her second favorite dictator, passed away Friday night. This is the same grandmother I've written about previously. She was suffering from the late stages of Alzheimer's, and her death, while sad, was merciful.

Eileen was the oldest of 15 children. She raised many of her younger brothers and sisters as if they were her own children, and supported many of them, paying for college and other expenses, just like a parent. She was the matriarch to the Irish Catholic side of my family. By the time I knew her, she was the very strict, serious, older lady that you didn't dare disappoint. She was very religious, never swore, was fair to each grandchild to a fault, and disapproved of fully half of anything that a child would do. This isn't to say that she didn't love – she cared deeper than she showed, and loved everyone equally and unconditionally. But you sure as fuck didn't want to do anything to disappoint her. "You had better hope that your Nana doesn't hear about this!" was a familiar mantra heard around my home. Today, I got the chance to interview her posthumously which means, thankfully, that her mental state had returned to how she used to be. (NOTE: The following is a PARODY and in no way reflects my actual grandmother, who was about as close to a saint as you could possibly be.)

Me: Hi Nana.

Nana: Hi dear.

Me: I'm sorry you're not here anymore. I miss you.

Nana: Is that why you only visited me once when I was in the home?

Me: It was too hard to see you like that. And I didn't think you'd really want any of us to see you in that state.

Nana: So does this mean you're skipping my funeral too?

Me: If it wasn't to be there for Mom and Papa, I wouldn't go to that, either.

Nana: And what's this I hear about you getting a divorce?

Me: Ohhh, ummm, yeah.

Nana: You know you're going to hell, right?

Me: For getting a divorce? That's not fair.

Nana: No, not for the divorce – that's just what you get for living in sin before you got married.

Me: Then why?

Nana: Because I can see everything now – and there is no way God is letting you into heaven with all of that porn you look at.

Me: You can see THAT?!?

Nana: Yes, and you should be ashamed of yourself. If I wasn't already dead, finding out that there's something called "tranny porn" would have killed me on the spot. And then how would you have liked finding out that you killed your poor grandmother?

Me: But I didn't! And that was just for research purposes.

Nana: You need a hand down your pants to research?

Me: I . . Uh . . Um . . .

Nana: I'm just fucking with you.

Me: NANA!!!

Nana: What? Can't a woman drop an f-bomb on you?

Me: Not when you're my Nana, and I've never even heard you say "hell"!

Nana: I usually reserved that type of language for the bedroom.

Me: Oh God.

Nana: You don't want to hear about me and your grandfather having sex? You do know that your mother wasn't immaculately conceived, even if she's convinced you she was, right?

Me: No no no no no no (rocking back and forth)

Nana: I used to joke that your Papa's name was destined to be Howie . . .

Me: Please stop (crying)

Nana: . . . as in "how he makes me feel down there"

Me: shh shh shh shh no shhh shh

Nana: And by "down there", I mean my vagina.

Me: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 85 Comments »

Behind the times

Sunday, March 7th, 2010

Most of you have already seen this, I'm sure, but for those of you who haven't, it's awesome. I love seeing all these actors get together to play different Presidents. And Chevy Chase and Dana Carvey in one room? Comedy awesomeness, in my opinion. Thanks to Faiqa for pointing it out to me!

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Posted in Politics | 7 Comments »

40 is the new 20.

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

Dear Old Lady Shauna,

Today is your 40th birthday. Well, not for your boobs, but for the rest of you. And while you may feel old and decrepit and like you already have one foot in the grave, it's not true! Aging is the natural way of life, but it's understandable that you may worry about being less desirable or less attractive after the age of 40. I want to help you get rid of that fear, because I am a giver. Seriously – the Pope needs to authorize Saint Avitable posthaste.

So, in order to make you realize that 40 isn't the end and that suicide isn't the way to go just yet, here are 40 people and things that are 40 or older that I'd totally rub my nuts on:

  1. Demi Moore
  2. Jason Bateman
  3. Planet of the Apes
  4. Dr. No
  5. Cate Blanchett
  6. A giant redwood
  7. Jennifer Aniston
  8. Uranus
  9. The Internet
  10. Marisa Tomei
  11. Lauren Graham
  12. Superman
  13. The Producers
  14. Bill Cosby
  15. Sherlock Holmes
  16. Julia Louis Dreyfus
  17. The Three Musketeers
  18. Blueberry Pie
  19. Mashed Potatoes
  20. Las Vegas
  21. Batman
  22. Elisabeth Shue
  23. Stacey Dash
  24. Don Quixote
  25. Scrabble
  26. Ninjas
  27. Pepperoni Pizza
  28. Socks
  29. Kristin Davis
  30. Courteney Cox Arquette
  31. "Unchained Melody"
  32. Where The Wild Things Are
  33. Hershey's
  34. George Clooney
  35. Sandra Bullock
  36. "Sweet Caroline"
  37. The telephone
  38. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
  39. Monopoly
  40. Vaginas

So, see? You're in good company! Happy birthday, Shauna Glenn!

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Posted in Bloggers | 24 Comments »

The tsunami that hit Hawaii

Monday, March 1st, 2010

Anyone watching CNN on Saturday probably witnessed the pulse-pounding, nail-biting broadcast focused on a reef off of the coast of Hawaii, awaiting the destructive forces of a tsunami. Rarely has there been a broadcast so packed with intensity and urgency about such a life-altering issue of world concern. In fact, I can only think of the following several instances of breaking news that CNN covered as well as this one:

  • President Obama's Shoes Untied, Trip and Fall Expected
  • Will Spelling Bee Semi-Finalists Misspell a Word?
  • The Exciting World of Pi to 10,000 Digits
  • The Toyota Recall: Important Technical Jargon that You Must Know or You Might Die!
  • The Cure For Cancer – We Watch Scientists Look at Things in Microscopes
  • Records Being Broken: How Long Can One Man Stand Still and Will He Get into the Guinness Book?
  • Words That Begin With A – Part 1 of a 26-Part Series
  • Breaking News: Paint Drying

Thank you, CNN, for being our source for timely, pressing, breaking news!

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Posted in General, Uncategorized | 22 Comments »

Shamurder

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

I originally had a post half-written from the point of view of Tilikum, the killer whale who killed Dawn Brancheau, a senior trainer at Sea World, yesterday. It was a diary told from the orca's perspective, showing a building resentment towards the trainer thanks to perceived slights and insults.

But then I reconsidered and thought that maybe I was being a little insensitive. I am a fan of the maxim that funny trumps all, but all this woman did was her job. It's one thing to find the humor in something, but what's the porpoise of it all if I'm hurting someone at the same time? Especially since this was a death that was witnessed by her coworkers and an entire grouper of spectators.

I know it may seem fishy that I'm having a change of heart when I'm not usually known for being so tactful. However, this is a local story and I didn't want to appear to be baiting anyone with a sharky sarcastic post. Additionally, this woman walrus not in the public spotlight and didn't deserve a post a trout her death when it doesn't appear to be anything other than an accident.

On the flipper side, these are dangerous wild animals. They're called killer whales for a reason, and fin order to survive around them, one has to be vigilant at all times. I think it might be easy for a trainer who had been working with them for so long to start sealing them as being friendly orca domesticated, and it's events like this that act as a reminder to always be clam, cautious and never treat wild animals caviarly.

My condolences go out tuna the family. And maybe once this isn't so fresh, I'll be able to write a funny post about it without seeming like too much of a basshole.

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Posted in I am evil | 74 Comments »

How to make everything more awesome

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

Without the genius addition of a $, Ke$ha would just be "Kesha", a trashy blonde girl with very little actual musical talent. Instead, Ke$ha is a music sensation! That simple substitution of a punctuation symbol for a letter has been used in the geek world for a long time. It's known as "leet speak". And, once again, something geeky is being used to make the world more awesome.

I think that we should take really shitty things and make them more palatable with leet speak. It could revolutionize the world, just like the iPhone. Take a kid who hates spinach, for example. Do you think maybe he'd eat "$P!NACH"? Totally – the exclamation point and dollar sign substitution will fool him into thinking he's eating something AWESOME. Here are some other things that we could bling up with some punctuation:

  • Having trouble making ends meet? Don't worry if you have to declare B4NKRUP7CY – it's super fun!.
  • Male and over the age of 30? Don't forget to go in for your annual awesome PR0$TAT3 3XAM.
  • It's okay that you got an F. It is cool to be a PHA!LUR3!
  • Did last night's one-night stand leave you burning and itching? Be proud of your H3RP3$.
  • No biggie about your car accident – revel in the fact that your leg had to be A/\/\PUT4T3D!
  • Did last night's one-night stand leave you a little pregnant? Just go have an awesome 4B0RT!0N.
  • Been hanging out in dirty hot tubs? It's okay – it's only a Y3A$T INPH3C7!0N.
  • Is your TV remote broken? Don't be upset that it's stuck on the DI$N3Y CH4NN3L.
  • Did you wake up with a fat hairy guy slapping you in the face with his penis? It's only 4V17ABL3!

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Posted in General | 65 Comments »

In the year 2042

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

In the year 2042 . . .

The Church of Brangelina will welcome its one hundred millionth member, as announced by High Priestess Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt.

In the year 2042 . . .

The largest Internet sensation will be 37-year old blogger Miss Emma, who will blog about her mother's descent into insanity caused by eating too many cheesecakes.

In the year 2042 . . .

Divorce rates among the gay population will reach an all-time high of 18%.

In the year 2042 . . .

NBC's newest reality show, So You Think You Can Outrun A Lion?, will win an Emmy.

In the year 2042 . . .

The Ke$ha/Lady Gaga/Madonna retirement tour will enter the last year of its 10-year run.

In the year 2042 . . .

At Berkeley, pro-cancer activists will protest the killing of cancer cells. They will be shot to death and the world will applaud.

In the year 2042 . . .

In a new tell-all book, former President Rush Limbaugh's illegitimate child will confess that his father "…loved women, prescription drugs, and eating human flesh, and not in that order."

In the year 2042 . . .

The most popular sitcom on the air will be ABC Family Channel's "Fuck you, you stupid cocksucker", a light-hearted show about a family that adopts a foul-mouthed robot.

In the year 2042 . . .

I'll still be paying off my Citibank bill:

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Posted in General | 42 Comments »

The things I've learned from Hilly

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Yesterday, a friend went home. After almost a year here, Hilly is driving back to California, another chapter in her life over.

A year or two ago, I argued that you can't learn something from everyone. I think I've grown a bit as a person since then, and I'm not ashamed to admit that maybe I was wrong. (Although, nobody tell her. She'll be insufferable.) I revise my earlier opinion to say that you should always be able to take something away from your interaction with any person. And Hilly's just not any person – she's a force to be reckoned with. I'm going to miss her, and I hope that the next leg of journey gives her some of the happiness and deep deep dicking towards which she's been striving. In the meantime, all I have to remember her are the things I've learned (well, that and all the household stuff she gave me and the mattress and box spring):

  • The word "douche" is very versatile and can be used in any capacity. For example, you could say "That douchetastic douchey douchecock needs to go douche his motherdouchin' ass."
  • When you have people who are important to you, you can love them without having to defend every thing they do.
  • Life is America.
  • It takes buckets of strength to live alone for the first time in many years without falling apart.
  • Splash Mountain should be ridden over and over again.
  • There is a right way and a wrong way to take a photo of yourself.
  • The sound of a vibrator will bring your cat running.
  • There's no such thing as too far to drive for a good sandwich.
  • You can be almost 40 and have the heart and soul of a 20 year old.
  • Everything in California is more awesome than anything in shitty Florida. (Except the economy and earthquakes, but shhhh. Oh, and of course, me and Britt and Faiqa.)
  • You know it's funny when someone snorts.

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Posted in General | 49 Comments »

I am Carrie Underwood (rerun)

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

It's almost 2 AM and I just got in from a night out saying goodbye to Hilly. I was going to post a video from our Rock Band V Day party where I was singing "White Wedding" but the quality sucked, so I'm too tired to do anything else but share some Avitable/Carrie Underwood karaoke with you. This video is from almost two years ago, so no, I haven't gained all the weight back. Retards.

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Posted in Vlog | 12 Comments »

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