Posts Tagged ‘interview’

My Interview with Patrick Swayze

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

Yesterday, Patrick Swayze lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. Today, as usual, I score the only posthumous interview to be found. Take that, real journalists!

Me: So, um, Patrick, thanks for being here.

PS: You sound hesitant, chile'.

Me: Well, you're in blackface and have a wig with dreadlocks on.

PS: It's the only way I can communicate with you. I'm being channeled into the body of Oda Mae Brown.

Me: There's no need to do that. I have the ability to interview people after they die for one final interview.

PS: Oh. Well, uh, do you want to play some Righteous Brothers and make some pottery?

Me: Gay much?

PS: Fine. Ask your damn questions.

Me: I watched Black Dog in theaters. Can I have my $5.50 back?

PS: Ha, very funny.

Me: Well, I'm kind of serious, but really – why did you make such shitty movies, over all?

PS: No, no. Look, you've gotta understand what it's like, man. You come from the streets and suddenly you're up here, and these producers, they are throwing money at ya, and it smells so good, and they really take care of you. I mean, I never knew producers could be like that, you know? And they're so rich, they're so goddamn rich, you think they must know about everything. And they're slipping their scripts in my hands, two and three times day, different producers. So, here I think I'm scoring big, right? And for a while, you think, hey, they wouldn't be doing this if they didn't care about me, right?

Me: I understand. You were just using them, that's all.

PS: No, no that's not it. That's the thing, man, see it wasn't like that. They were using me.

Me: But honestly? Does that excuse Father Hood? Three Wishes? Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights?

PS: Look, spaghetti arms. That is my movie space. This is your blog space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine. You gotta hold the frame.

Me: That doesn't even make any sense.

PS: Nobody puts Adam in a corner.

Me: Now I know that you're just quoting lines from one of the three decent movies you've starred in. Why can't you just answer me honestly?

PS: I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.

Me: Oh, come on! That one wasn't even your line!

PS: Fine. I'll stop quoting movie lines. I'll tell you my secret.

Me: Go ahead.

PS: I can't really act. I have three expressions: surprised, angry, and tightly intense. After that, I just dance or kick or run really fast, and then they cut to another scene.

Me: Yeah, I figured. I've seen a lot of your movies, even the shitty ones. You should have stuck with that ballet gig.

PS: Yeah, but then I never would have met my wife.

Me: Wait, you're straight? No way!

PS: Of course I am!

Me: You like women?

PS: I was married to one for thirty years!

Me: Hm. I just assumed the whole sex appeal to women thing was an act, like Tom Cruise, Ryan Seacrest, and George Clooney.

PS: Nope. I am a veritable pussy magnet.

Me: Now you're trying too hard to sound macho.

PS: I carried a watermelon.

Me: And we're back to the movie quotes. You're a waste of my fucking time.

PS: Yeah, I guess that's what you *would* see. I'll never be sorry, Baby.

Me: Jesus. Move on already – go to heaven or hell or the giant ballet academy in the sky. I'm done with you.

PS: Ditto.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My interview with Robert Novak from Crossfire

Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
Robert Novak. Or a bulldog.

Robert Novak. Or a bulldog.

Conservative political commentator Robert Novak died yesterday at the age of 78, and I had the pleasure of sitting down with him shortly after his demise (And thanks to Swan Shadow for the idea).

Me: So is it true?

RN: Is what true?

Me: That you're the Prince of Darkness?

RN: Well, that was just an affectionate nickname given to me by an old friend. I even used it as my book title.

Me: So you admit it? You're Satan?

RN: No, not at all. First of all, no horns.

Me: Maybe you've had them sawed off.

RN: Secondly, no tail.

Me: I don't know that. You're sitting down.

RN: Finally, wouldn't I look like a devil – be all red and fiery or something?

Me: Aha! You ARE the devil – that's exactly what he would say to fool me!

RN: Young man, I'm getting a bit offended by your tone. I am a God-fearing Catholic man, and this notion that I am somehow an incarnation of Lucifer himself is insulting and blasphemous.

Me: Okay, let's try another tack. How would you describe Satan?

RN: How would I describe him? Well, the Prince of Lies. The great deceiver. Twisting facts, distorting reality, and turning man against man.

Me: So would you say that a person who presents him- or herself one way but is in reality completely different would be a pretty damn good deceiver?

RN: Yes.

Me: And would you say that a person who selectively discusses facts to fit his or her political agenda, inciting a flame of partisanship, would be twisting facts?

RN: Absolutely.

Me: And yet, as a very conservative political commentator who was in fact a registered Democrat who inflated stories and ignored the objective truth to stir up controversy, you don't think you meet those definitions to a "T"?

RN: Of course not, and I resent your line of questioning. If you actually did your research, you might have discovered that many Republicans actually had a problem with some of my views, as well.

Me: So you admit that you deceive everyone then?

RN: Wha- No!

Me: Okay, different approach. Do you remember your old Democratic nemesis?

RN: James Carville?

Me: Yup. And his initials are?

RN: Oh, give me a fucking break. I am not Satan!

Me: You sowed chaos by outing Valerie Plame along with many of her CIA colleagues. You're a Jewish man who supports Palestine over Israel. You lied about your political leanings in order to drive man against man. Your own friends call you the Prince of Darkness, and your nemesis was JC. How can you look at these facts and deny the truth?

RN: This sham of an interview is over.

Me: But, Bobby, don't dodge the ques-

RN: (turns, faces me, eyes glowing red, while fire circles him like a halo and growls gutturally) I SAID IT'S OVER.

Me: (my shorts turn dark from urine) *gulp* Okay. Um, thanks for the interview?

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My Interview with John Hughes

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

As most of you know, John Hughes died on Thursday. Known as a recluse in life, he's not much different in death, and it took me a few days to snag this exclusive posthumous interview with him:

Me: Thanks for joining me, John.

JH: No problem. Glad to be here, man. I mean, you had to shackle me to this chair to interview me, but that's okay.

Me: Sorry about the restraints, but you're so elusive to interview! It's okay, though. I am your number one fan. There is nothing to worry about.

JH: That's cool. It's always nice to meet a fan.

Me: My favorite movie of yours has to be Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I've seen it a hundred times if I've seen it once.

JH: That one was a lot of fun to write.

Me: Why didn't you ever make a sequel?

JH: What?

Me: I mean, with a movie that popular, don't you think that you should have capitalized on it?

JH: Nah, man. I told my story. Ferris had his day off, lessons were learned, people grew. It was done.

Me: I've always had this dream of a sequel, though.

JH: Nothing I can do about it now, dude.

Me: Just imagine it being 20 years later. Ferris Bueller is a corporate drone and a single dad. Cameron is a radio talkshow host dating a different woman each week, and Sloane is a wealthy single socialite. He decides that it was such a nice day that he couldn't go to work, so he takes a day off of work, sneaks his son out of school (where Principal Rooney is still in charge) and goes for an adventure with his oldest friends. You could call it "Ferris Bueller Calls In Sick". Hm? Hm?

JH: That sounds like complete and utter claptrap.

Me: Well, it would be claptrap. Unless you wrote it. Because if you wrote it and infused it with the same humor, gravitas and character development as the original, it would be the best sequel ever. After Aliens, The Godfather Part II, and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. And Empire Strikes Back.

JH: It would only work if Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, and Jeffrey Jones came back.

Me: Well, of course, and how could they stay away if you wrote a high caliber script?

JH: It doesn't matter. I'm dead. Sorry. And now I'm depressed. Interview's over, man.

Me: Um, no it's not. I have better plans for you. I am going to help you write a new script.

JH: You think I can just whip one out?

Me: Oh, but I don't think John, I know. Now let's not be a dirty birdy and start writing, hm? Don't make me motivate you and make everything all oogy!

JH: I am not. Writing. A. Fucking. Sequel.

Me: Oh, John. I guess we'll have to do this the hard way now, won't we?

JH: Oh Jesus. Put down the sledgehammer! I'll write, I'll write! ARARARRRGGGHHHH!! My knee!!!

Me: Do you feel more motivated now or do I have to bring out Mr. Ax?

JH: (sobbing) No, I'll write it. I'll write your sequel.

Me: Oh yay! Ferris is going to live again. Happy day happy day!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My interview with Walter Cronkite

Monday, July 20th, 2009

Walter Cronkite, one of the most respected journalists of our time, died on Friday night at the age of 92. I spoke with him posthumously on Sunday:

Me: Thank you for speaking with me, Walter.

WC: Young man, it is my pleasure.

Me: I'm very honored that I'm getting the chance to interview you. Since you are a veteran journalist, would you mind if I made this interview a fast-paced, hard hitting affair?

WC: (chuckles) Not at all. Please feel free to fire away.

Me: Oh, chuckle at me, will you, old man? First, here's a softball question. You retired from the CBS Evening News almost thirty years ago. Would you say that broadcast journalism has flourished or floundered after your absence?

WC: The corporatization of television journalism has ruined it. No longer can the people have someone they can trust to deliver unbiased news, and this saddens me greatly.

Me: Now, is it true that Adolf Hitler modeled his mustache after yours?

WC: Where did you hear that?

Me: So you admit that it's true?

WC: (sputters) No! I would like to know what unreliable sources you're using for such spurious accusations.

Me: I read it on a blog somewhere.

WC: Don't get me started about blogging. Blogs are going to be the death of journalism because every mom with a sleeping baby can churn out 500 words of her uneducated opinion and uninformed people will take it as fact.

Me: Plus, bloggers make up random shit like interviews with famous people who have died, too.

WC: Exactly.

Me: Did we just break the fourth wall?

WC: I'm not sure. I know that I just broke wind, though.

Me: Dude, did you eat limburger? Fuuck.

WC: Young man, do not call me "Dude". You can call me "Uncle Walter", "Walter", "Mr. Cronkite", or "Senor Mustache Ride", but that's only if you're under 19, Puerto Rican, and have an ass I can bounce a quarter off of.

Me: Well, now we're getting off track. Let's stick to the interview, fishlips. It is said that the term "anchor" was coined because of your role as a broadcast journalist.

WC: Yes, that's right.

Me: Why'd they come up with anchor? Why a nautical term? Why not "starboard"? Plank? Mast? Poop Deck?

WC: So you would have the gall to suggest that I would call myself a Television Poop Deck Man? Are you addled in the head?

Me: Hey, I'm not the one with Hitler's moustache who's named after a barnacle-encrusted rusty implement designed to stop a ship!

WC: This interview is over.

Me: Wait, one last thing.

WC: (sighs) Fine.

Me: My Canadian brother from another mother, LeSombre, turns another year older today. He told me that you are his biological father.

WC: I am absolutely not!

Me: He swears that you are his father. That you impregnated his mother during an orgy in the early 70s. That you, David Brinkley and Chen Huntley triple-teamed her.

WC: I swear that you have the ethics of an amoral snake-oil salesman.

Me: So you won't wish your illegitimate son a happy birthday?

WC: I most certainly will not! And may you rot in hell! (storms off)

Me: And that's the way it is.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My interview with Michael Jackson, the King of Pop

Friday, June 26th, 2009

Michael Jackson, self-proclaimed king of pop, self-proclaimed black man, self-denied child molester, died yesterday at the age of 50. Since Avitable.com is the official place for the newly deceased to provide their first posthumous interviews, MJ granted me some time late last night. However, he was a bit reluctant, so I had to resort to some trickery and a guest star to make the interview happen.

MJ: Hello?

Me: (hiding in the back) Hi! I'll be right out!

MJ: Oh, okay. I brought the stuff you asked. (holds up brown bag)

Me: Okay, great. I can't wait! Have a seat and I'll be right there.

MJ: (sits down) Do you want me to open the wine?

Me: Okay!

The door opens.

MJ: Who are you?

CH: Hi, Michael, or should I say, KingCherryPopper1978? My name is Chris Hansen.

MJ: You protect all of the beautiful children of the world!

CH: I wish it were that simple. We actually work very hard here on "To Catch a Predator" to catch child molesters and sexual predators before they act.

MJ: Whee! (claps his hands) Who are you after today?

CH: Well, Michael, why did you come here today? Was it to have sex with Decoyvitable, who you thought was a 13-year old boy? (I come out and take over the interview)

MJ: I would never do such a thing. I love all of the world's children, especially the ill ones because I can give them a place to come visit and give them medicine.

Me: But didn't you say in your chat, "I want to "Beat It" and "Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough" while you "Give In To Me" "In the Closet" until we "Come Together"?" This is a direct quote from your chat.

MJ: That's all being taken in the worst possible light. I like to sit sick children on my knee and sing my old songs to them, and if you are a mean ol' adult, you might misunderstand something.

Me: But you also say "I want you to "Remember the Time" that we had a "Thriller" and "Just a Little Bit of You" touched "Another Part of Me" until either of us "Scream"."

MJ: Once again, you're taking my conversation out of context.

Me: Okay, maybe for those, but then there's this line: "I want to play with your little boy cock." Did you want to, Michael? To play with his little boy cock?

MJ: Oh no no no. I have my very own. I just wanted to lay with him in bed and tell stories and talk about girls and listen to music and touch his butthole and maybe have a pillow fight and . . .

Me: Wait. What did you just say?

MJ: "Have a pillow fight?"

Me: No, before that.

MJ: "Listen to music?"

Me: After that.

MJ: "Have a pillow fight?"

Me: No, before that, but after the "Listen to music" part.

MJ: "and"?

Me: Sigh. You said you wanted to touch his butthole. Does that sound innocent to you?

MJ: It is innocent. I've always wanted to have a place where I could create everything that I never had as a child. And that place is a child's butthole.

Me: Let's move on. Do you think that your music is enough of a contribution to the world at large that your depravity should have been given a free pass?

MJ: I'm getting tired of these insults and hard questions. You are all sick people. I'm leaving.

Me: I wouldn't do that.

MJ runs away with the police chasing after him. The police yell at Michael Jackson to stand down. He turns and faces them, with one knee slightly cocked, arms extended at his sides. He flips his head to the right and the left with lightning speed, extends his arm, arches his pelvis and we hear a loud "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" A huge wind blows the police officers over. Michael begins to walk slowly for the exit. One remaining officer pulls out his taser gun and shoots it at Michael. It hits him square in the forehead, and he falls to the ground, quietly saying "who's bad? oh billie jean" before drifting off into unconsciousness.

As a special bonus, here is my two question interview with the recently deceased Farrah Fawcett! (Apologies to MAD Magazine)

Me: Did you have any trouble finding the interview location?

FF: (giggles distractedly) No, not at all.

Me: Would you like some coffee?

FF: Yes, that would be great.

Me: Thank you for taking part in our two-question interview!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other interviews:

Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My interview with Ed McMahon

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

As most of you know, Ed McMahon died yesterday at the age of 86. And being the intrepid journalist that I am, I have his first posthumuous interview all ready just for you.

Me: Thanks for agreeing to speak with me so quickly after your demise.

Ed: Happy to be here, ha ha ha ha!

Me: So, you hosted The Price is Right for how many years?

Ed: Wha? That wasn't me, kid. That was Bob Barker.

Me: Oh. Are you the Wendy's guy?

Ed: No, that's Dave Thomas!

Me: That older man from Golden Girls?

Ed: No, that was Bea Arthur.

Me: The guy who sells oatmeal and was in Cocoon?

Ed: Nope. Wilford Brimley.

Me: The salad dressing dude?

Ed: Paul Newman.

Me: The guy who said that smoking was bad?

Ed: C. Everett Koop.

Me: Chicken man?

Ed: Colonel Sanders

Me: Died for our sins?

Ed: Jesus

Me: Electric flying guy?

Ed: Raiden

Me: Subject of a Warhol painting?

Ed: Can of Campbell's Soup

Me: Are you this?

Ed: That's a tuna fish sandwich.

Me: Well, who the fuck are you then?

Ed: I was Johnny Carson's announcer for thirty years.

Me: And Johnny Carson is . . .

Ed: The host of the Tonight Show!

Me: I thought that was Conan O'Brien?

Ed: Fuck this. I'm out of here.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other interviews:

Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

(PS. Still no show this week. We're having trouble coming up with topics!)

An Interview with David Carradine

Friday, June 5th, 2009

Yesterday, David Carradine was found dead, hanging in his closet. Today, I present you with a very special interview that took place almost immediately before the Kung Fu master committed suicide.

Me: Hi, Bill.

DC: Please don't call me that.

Me: Caine?

DC: No.

Me: Shane?

DC: No. Those are characters. I am simply (waves his hand) David.

Me: Will you at least call me grasshopper?

DC: Asshopper is more like it.

Me: Now that we've dispensed with the pleasantries, let's get to the interview. Were you glad that Quentin Tarantino gave you a chance to be relevant to anyone under the age of 40?

DC: What?

Me: I mean, none of us who were born in the 70s or later ever watched "Kung Fu". There was that new show, "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues", starring that other guy, but it was on USA or something and total cheese. Until Kill Bill, nobody my generation knew who the hell you were.

DC: I've been in hundreds of movies and television shows, though.

Me: Yeah, that's true, but c'mon. I'd never even heard of "Shane" before I looked up your profile on IMDB. And with the exception of random guest appearances on popular television shows, you haven't exactly shown up in high quality material.

DC: I was nominated for an Emmy for "Kung Fu" and a Golden Globe for "Kill Bill"!

Me: Nominated, but didn't win. That's like being someone's second choice for a prom date.

DC: You are an insufferable young man.

Me: I'm not seeing a crack in the laid-back, lackadaisical David Carradine attitude, am I?

DC: Fuck off, you're baiting me.

Me: I'm just trying to figure out why you squandered your new fame after Kill Bill. John Travolta was a has-been, too, and Pulp Fiction led to his Golden Globe win for Get Shorty, plus some excellent roles in Primary Colors, the Thin Red Line and Be Cool (we'll forget about Battlefield Earth). You went from Kill Bill to an animated movie called "Hair High"? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

DC: (sobs) YES, OKAY? I'm too laid-back! I just take whatever comes along, and hang out in Thailand and have nothing but Buddhist teachings and auto-erotic asphyxiation to keep me happy. My film career just pays for my opium habit.

Me: That's what I thought. Looks like it's suicide again for you!

DC: What? (looks at me crazily)

Me: Oh, it's just a quote from The Simpsons. Moe gets rescued by a gay man and says that it looks like his only out is suicide "again".

DC: Get out! (sobs furiously)

Me: Thank you for the interview. I hope this is only a valley for you and that you still have a peak left in your career. I mean, I know it's unlikely and all, but still, I hope it works out for you and people actually remember your name.

DC: OUT!

(Enjoy this? Check out my other interviews: Stephen Hawking and Caylee Anthony.)

My conversation with Stephen Hawking

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

As I write this post tonight, Stephen Hawking has been rushed to the hospital and is gravely ill. And unlike last time, when I waited until after death to have a(n imagined) conversation with Caylee Anthony, I thought I should have a conversation with the famous 67-year old physicist before his imminent demise.

Me: Hi Steve-o. Can I call you Steve-o?

SH: I would prefer not.

Me: Stevey?

SH: Mr. Hawking is fine.

Me: Sheesh. You know, for a cripple, you're cranky. Isn't your type supposed to be jolly?

SH: That's fat people you're thinking of, lard ass.

Me: Fine, fine. I'd punch you in the stupid face, but I don't want to catch whatever it is you have. Let's get to the interview. So you wrote "A Wrinkle In Time"?

SH: No, you brain-dead moron. That book was written by Madeleine L'Engle.

Me: "Back to the Future?"

SH: That starred Michael J. Fox, you twit.

Me: "Time after Time?"

SH: That, bearded imbecile, was written and performed by Cyndi Lauper.

Me: So who the fuck are you then?

SH: I am a theoretical physicist who wrote "A Brief History of Time."

Me: Oh. So you know physics and shit?

SH: I definitely know physics and shit. In fact, I've forgotten more about physics in the last three seconds than you'll ever learn in your pathetic inconsequential life.

Me: Can you answer me a question?

SH: Isn't that the point of this infantile interview?

Me: Like, if Superman and Lois Lane fucked, wouldn't his sperm shoot right through her and kill her immediately?

SH: The probability of someone with the powers of the fictional character Superman actually existing are nigh impossible. His very abilities contradict any ability he'd have to interact with humanity on any basis.

Me: Huh?

SH: Sigh. Yes, she would become Swiss cheese.

Me: I thought so!

SH: Do you have any more enlightened, fascinating questions?

Me: Nope! Want to thumb wrestle?

SH: Bring it on, fat boy.


*******

In other Avita-news, Britt is throwing Hilly a housewarming party! As some of you know, Hilly moved across country from California to Florida and now lives about thirty seconds away from Britt, ten minutes away from Faiqa, and twenty minutes away from me. Even though this clearly shows who she loves the most and who she loves the least, I'm still extremely excited that she's here.

Since the blogging world can't all come down to Orlando or fit in Hilly's new house, Britt is hosting a virtual housewarming party over at her blog. Go on over, leave Hilly a housewarming comment, or even use her Amazon.com Wish List to buy her a present!

Avitaweek 2009: Martin Loser King

Monday, January 19th, 2009

As you might have noticed from the header (if not, reload the page), this is AvitaWeek 2009! My birthday is on Monday, January 26th, and I plan on being shameless in my celebration over the next seven days, by brazenly soliciting presents, baked goods, cards, well wishes, photos of your boobs, posts on next Monday dedicated solely to my awesomeness, and grainy home videos of you having sex.

Last year, during Avitaweek 2008, my first post also coincided with Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. In that post, I compared our similarities. This year, I'm going to talk to the man himself:

"I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Me: Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.

MLK: It's my pleasure to have another chance to share my message of peace with the world.

Me: Can I call you Marty?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: Marty – you know, your name? I mean, I have a Doctorate, too, so unless you want to call me Dr. Avitable and make me call you Dr. King, I think we can dispense with the formalities.

MLK: Ummm….

Me: Of course, Marty makes me think of Back to the Future and Marty McFly – can you imagine having your mom hit on you and making your family disappear?

MLK: What?

Me: They don't have movies in heaven? I'd think you'd have plenty of free time to catch all of the movies that come out now. Unless you're actually in hell?

MLK: No, no. I just don't trifle myself with cinema. We sit around and have hours of discourse on life and society and culture and other-

Me: And you strum your harps, blah blah blah.

MLK: You're quite impudent.

Me: I'm just bored with your snootiness. You're quite full of yourself for a-

MLK: For a black man? Did you just call me an uppity black man?

Me: I was going to say ghost. Jeez, jump to conclusions much?

MLK: I apologize. I know that you live in a time of racial harmony.

Me: Well, rap music is probably the only racial harmony around.

MLK: But a black man will be entering his given place in a large, secure government facility this year!

Me: Yeah, OJ got convicted, finally.

MLK: No, I'm saying that a black American is finally getting the recognition of the world and the total adoration and respect of most of its peoples.

Me: Oh yeah! Will Smith is one of my all-time favorite actors, too. Did you see Hancock?

MLK: I'm talking about the wonder of a world where an African American can appear on television and have millions of viewers tune in to hang on each and every word.

Me: Ohhh, you're talking about Oprah! She gives away cars to her audience, so I think she bribes the viewers for all of that adoration.

MLK: Boy, are you addled in the head? Did you get kicked by a mule as a child?

Me: No, why?

MLK: You seem to be easily distracted and too focused on the tawdry world of entertainment and cinema instead of the real world. A young man such as yourself should be focusing on church, service to his community, church, raising a family, and spreading peace throughout the world.

Me: Wow. Preachy much?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: I'm just saying – now you're being a bit uppity.

Me: Hello?

Me: Marty?


Celebrate Avitaweek 2009! Go here or here to buy me a present!

Nobody expects the Snackiepoo Inquisition

Sunday, January 11th, 2009

As part of that whole interview meme, I was asked 5 questions by Hilly. I still have another 20 or so people to whom I need to send interview questions, so be patient. I'm working on it, fuckers.

As a result, I'm not going to invite commenters to request an interview. Instead, use the comments to answer the five questions that I'm answering. I'm interested in what you have to say. No, really. I am!

Hilly asks:

1.) What is the one thing that a blogger can do to really annoy you?

One thing? There are so many things that bloggers do that annoy me to no end. Let's see. I get annoyed if a blogger's name is "KIDNAME'S Mom", because it really says to me that you don't have your own identity or personality. Not that I have a lot of "Tyler's Mom" and "Shithead's Mom" bloggers who read me, but it frustrates me even when I see it on other blogs.

I get annoyed by passive aggressive bloggers who whine and lie and just use their blog as a way to get people to tell them nice things. Those types of people annoy me in real life, too.

I hate when bloggers have so many nicknames for all of their family members and kids and husband/wife and then they use the initials for them. You know what? I don't give a fuck if JT and QU were fighting and then DH farted and you just had to call PSFK to tell her, but she was already talking to CKSKR! That means absolutely nothing to me, and I might stop reading your blog now.

I am annoyed by bloggers who have a sponsored post as every other post, or who have ads in the feedreader, or who have an abbreviated feed or post a ton of pictures but have this need to hide their face or post something goofy in its place or do weekly things like haiku or HNT or lists or memes . . ..

Hoo boy. This is a post all on its own!

2.) Even though I HATE this phrase, do you consider yourself an "A List Blogger" or do you see it a different way?

I see blogging in tiers, but not like "A-List" or anything like that. There are Big Bloggers, Medium Bloggers, Small Bloggers, and Tiny Bloggers. Obviously, the Big Bloggers are people like Heather Armstrong (who I heard from a friend of a friend likes to have sex with a horse and then saves the horse jizz to put in things she bakes for her family), but she's the biggest of the big. There are plenty of big bloggers who get a ton of traffic, a lot of readers and commenters, and never seem to have time to actually ever show up and comment on anyone else's blog. That just seems to defeat the purpose of blogging being fun because you're part of a big community. If I ever reach that level, I hope I'm able to still read the blogs that I like.

I'd consider myself a Medium Blogger. Large enough to have an audience of some size but small enough to still be a drop in the bucket of the Internet.

3.) If you did not work for yourself, what kind of job would you like to have?

I cannot imagine ever working for anyone else, so any job that I would like to have would have to be working for myself. However, rather than the business that I'm in (selling razor-sharp glass dildos to masochistic fetishists), I would love to own a small independent movie theater/comic book store/cafe combo. That would be heaven.

4.) If I dared you to talk dirty to me, could you do it? Why or why not?

Ooh, baby, I want to insert my penis gently into your vagina and then retract it and insert it again and repeat that for several times until I ejaculate.

How's that for dirty talk? I just find the whole concept demeaning and have no interest in it. I put women on pedestals and the concept of dirty talk just seems to chip away at that pedestal, even if it's something that the woman likes or wants. I can't help it.

5.) How many folders do you have in Google Reader and what are their labels?

I have a ton of folders. Here's what I have now:

1. Must reads
2. 2nd Tier
3. Read if Time Available
4. Nice people with sucky blogs
5. New commenters to check out
6. People I Hate
7. Celebrity Blogs
8. Photo Blogs

I read the Must Reads almost every single day. I almost always manage to read the 2nd Tier blogs, and on days when I have time, I read the "RITA" blogs. The nice people with sucky blogs are people that I like personally but don't really find their blogs interesting, so I try to read them to see how their life is going, but I don't always have time for them. I add all commenters to my feedreader to the New Commenters folder and as I read them, I decide where to stick them. Finally, the People I Hate folder is for the people I hate but still want to see what stupid shit they're spewing. I have about 12 blogs in there.

What are your answers to these questions?