Posts Tagged ‘interviewing’

My Interview with John Lennon

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

On the 29th anniversary of John Lennon's death, I thought I'd take the time to interview him:

Me: So, I'm sitting here with John Lennon, one of the Fab Four. Thanks for taking the time to speak with me, John.

JL: Well, it's like, there's not much to do here, you know, so I've got the time, man.

Me: Now, is it true that you were actually kind of a douchebag?

JL: What?

Me: Well, you got some weird Asian midget pregnant while you were married but tried to claim your wife was the adulterous one.

JL: Oh, well, see, it's like, man, a different world back then and we were all about free love and, you know, peace.

Me: Do you think that Yoko Ono was good for you?

JL: Yes, man, she was brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Did you know that she created this fantastic piece of art where the every man could walk into the gallery, see, and, you know, take a hammer and bang! bang! bang! hammer nails into a board. It blew my fuckin' mind.

Me: But wasn't she a primary reason that your band broke up?

JL: Well, you know, it was time. It wasn't a great disaster, and, like, with all the hate and anger and bad energy in the world, you know, this is just a rock group that split up. It's nothing important.

Me: Well, many people out there think that The Beatles are the greatest band in history. I'm not one of them, though. Personally, I don't like your music that much and prefer The Rolling Stones instead.

JL: And I'd prefer to punch you in the fucking nose.

Me: Whoa. What happened to the hippie relaxed almost to the level of idiocy?

JL: That's all an act. All that "we're selling peace" and "we're bigger than Jesus" shit was just propaganda created by our handlers.

Me: Handlers?

JL: Yup. See, we didn't actually find each other organically. We were hired by promoters who wanted to compete with Elvis in the States. They hired us, trained us, changed our names, and made us famous. My real name was Hubert Kronsweigel.

Me: I also notice that you don't have a British accent anymore.

JL: Of course not – are you slow? I'm actually from Philly.

Me: So, then what happened with Yoko? Was that real or a facade?

JL: That was real. I got too big for my britches and thought that I was untouchable. They showed me.

Me: Are you implying that the people who manufactured The Beatles had you killed?

JL: It's true. Mark David Chapman was actually in training to become the next Meat Loaf when they tapped him to kill me.

Me: I'm finding this hard to believe. Are you high right now?

JL: Well, yes. But that's beside the point. The music industry runs the world! They can make you go crazy, like Britney or Whitney Houston. They can ruin your reputation as a teen heartthrob by outing you, like they did with Lance Bass and Justin Timberlake.

Me: Justin's not gay or out of the closet!

JL: Yet.

Me: And I bet that they also killed Tupac and Biggie Smalls.

JL: And Aaliyah and the Big Bopper and John Denver and Kurt Cobain and Left Eye Lopes and Michael Jackson.

Me: Wow, my mind has officially been blown.

JL: It's what I do. Now do you have any final questions before I go find something salty to munch on?

Me: Yeah. What was the last thing that went through your mind before you died?

JL: A bullet, man. A bullet.

Me: But you were shot in the back, not the head.

JL: Was I, man? Was I?


Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My Interview with Ken Ober

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

Ken Ober died. I drew the short straw and had to interview him.

Me: Who the fuck are you again?

KO: I-

Me: I'm just kidding. I don't give a shit.


Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Great Interview Experiment

Saturday, November 21st, 2009

Neil came up with the concept:

Wouldn’t it be cool, if for one day, we really did believe that everyone really did have an important story to tell online?

Click his name and comment on that post. You will interview the person who commented before you. The person who comments after you will interview you. And so on.

I was interviewed by Rimarama. Go check it out – I'm pretty fucking funny.

I interviewed Kiki from Kon-Kiki. She's a very interesting young writer with a lot of cool ideas – definitely worth adding to your feedreader. I asked the boring questions, she provided the interesting answers:

1. You're slowly proceeding along that inexorable path to old age, aka 30. What do you plan on doing for your birthday that will be memorable and adventurous?

Well god damn. Nice to meet you too. Let’s see, I have about four years until my 30th birthday, so expect your Evite invitation in, oh, 1,440 days or so. Of course this is assuming that I’m alive and that the world hasn’t ended in 2012, so the odds aren’t really in my favor. If by chance I’m around, I don’t plan on making a big to do about 30, or any birthday really. I just hope that I’m happy where I am and that I feel good about what I’ve been doing with my life. And that I'm still hot. Most importantly.

2. In your search for your daily Columbus (e.g., new foods, books, music, etc.), what is the coolest item that you have discovered and did anyone appreciate it?

I have to admit that I’ve been pretty lax about updating that Columbus section. I have every intention of getting around to it, but I can’t get it to look the way that I want and so it bothers me. At this point, I’m pretending it doesn’t exist, which is my go-to solution to all problems. I guess my best discoveries of late have been restaurants. There are so many amazing little places in this city, and I’ve been spending a lot of time writing about them on Yelp. No one has really told me that they appreciate anything that I do, but maybe I’ll be able to wrangle something out of someone around the Thanksgiving dinner table next week.

3. You've only been blogging for about five months now, from what I can tell. What inspired you to start blogging and where do you see yourself going with it?

This particular blog was started early this summer, but I’ve had multiple blogs over the last five/six years. I think I have the sensibilities of a writer, in the sense that as I’m experiencing things I’m always going over how I will write them. I think a lot and am constantly narrating things in my head, and because that actually may be the definition of insane, it’s probably good to get those thoughts out somewhere, even if not many people read them. I suppose the purpose of this blog has been documentation of my move to New York for myself, but also to keep friends and family updated with what I’m doing up here.

I don’t really have notions of “going” somewhere with this blog, but like many bloggers, I do have dreams of writing a book, though I’m certainly not writing in hopes of being “discovered” or something like that. I guess I’m sort of naïve to the cliquey, network-y, business side of blogging . . . and I’m not really interested in that crap. I’m just here to practice by writing about whatever happens to be going on in my life/head and attempting to create a more focused tone or writing persona.

4. I see "attempt living in Los Angeles" as something you are interesting in doing. Do you think it would be harder than living in your current home of NYC and if so, why?

I was raised in the Washington, DC area but born in Los Angeles and still have a lot of family there and throughout southern California. Having spent lots of time in the area, I know that it’s very, very different from the east coast, and it would be a challenge to change mentalities.

In general, the east coast is much more diverse than the west. I love walking around New York and seeing so many unique faces and styles. Things aren’t perfect here – the weather, the small spaces, the expenses to name a few – but I think because things aren’t perfect (or attempting to be perfect), people feel freer to find their niche and to be their own self; frizzy hair, big noses, pale skin and all.

I visited family in LA this past August, and have to admit that life appears to be good there – easier, happier, carefree, healthier, youthful – at least at the beach. I think it would be interesting to live there for a time, just for the experience. I know it’s not the place for me permanently; I love walking, seasons, a quick pace, and short flights to Europe far too much.

5. Let's play a game of Marry, Fuck, Kill: Out of Rosie O'Donnell, Portia de Rossi, and Gloria Steinem, who would you marry, who would you fuck and who would you kill?

You are such a guy. Ok, I’ll play.

First of all, I’d marry Gloria Steinham [sic]. She’s by far the most interesting of the three . . . not to mention she was married to David Bale, Christian Bale’s father. Seeing that she was technically Christian Bale’s stepmother for some time, I think as her wife I could probably have him over to the house for holidays and such. She’s also the oldest and most likely to die of the three, and as her widow, I’d probably get invited to a lot of really cool events and parties and be asked to hand out awards given in her honor. I could start a big foundation in her memory and throw all sorts of society galas. Christian Bale would obviously be involved with the foundation, would be there for my in my time of need, and helplessly fall in love with me. I'd pretend to feel horrible about starting a relationship with my dead wife's late husband's son, but I'd let him seduce me and we’d end up getting married and having loads of babies and I'd be named Most Beautiful Woman on Earth by People magazine.

Oh, and though Rosie O’Donnell was funny on Curb Your Enthusiasm a few weeks ago and therefore far more useful to me than Portia de Rossi, there’s absolutely no way I’d fuck her. So, Portia is the lucky one and Rosie has to die. I’d make it painless though. For both of them.

Thanks, Kiki, for such a great interview!

My Interview with Henry Gibson

Thursday, September 17th, 2009

henry-gibsonThe diminutive actor Henry Gibson died last night at age 73. Of course, I jumped on the chance to interview him after he passed.

Me: So, Mr. Gibson, you played the neo-Nazi leader in Blues Brothers, right?

HG: That is correct. It was very fun working with Dan Aykroyd and the late John Belushi.

Me: Out of your entire repertoire, what was your favorite role?

HG: Well, I'd have to say-

Kanye West storms in, pushes Henry Gibson down and says: Yo, this is nice and all, but I just gotta say that Beyonce's death will be the best, most amazing death of the year. This old white dude has lived his long-ass life and is old as shit, but when Beyonce dies, it will be off the muthafuckin' hook!


Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My Interview with Patrick Swayze

Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

Yesterday, Patrick Swayze lost his battle with pancreatic cancer. Today, as usual, I score the only posthumous interview to be found. Take that, real journalists!

Me: So, um, Patrick, thanks for being here.

PS: You sound hesitant, chile'.

Me: Well, you're in blackface and have a wig with dreadlocks on.

PS: It's the only way I can communicate with you. I'm being channeled into the body of Oda Mae Brown.

Me: There's no need to do that. I have the ability to interview people after they die for one final interview.

PS: Oh. Well, uh, do you want to play some Righteous Brothers and make some pottery?

Me: Gay much?

PS: Fine. Ask your damn questions.

Me: I watched Black Dog in theaters. Can I have my $5.50 back?

PS: Ha, very funny.

Me: Well, I'm kind of serious, but really – why did you make such shitty movies, over all?

PS: No, no. Look, you've gotta understand what it's like, man. You come from the streets and suddenly you're up here, and these producers, they are throwing money at ya, and it smells so good, and they really take care of you. I mean, I never knew producers could be like that, you know? And they're so rich, they're so goddamn rich, you think they must know about everything. And they're slipping their scripts in my hands, two and three times day, different producers. So, here I think I'm scoring big, right? And for a while, you think, hey, they wouldn't be doing this if they didn't care about me, right?

Me: I understand. You were just using them, that's all.

PS: No, no that's not it. That's the thing, man, see it wasn't like that. They were using me.

Me: But honestly? Does that excuse Father Hood? Three Wishes? Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights?

PS: Look, spaghetti arms. That is my movie space. This is your blog space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine. You gotta hold the frame.

Me: That doesn't even make any sense.

PS: Nobody puts Adam in a corner.

Me: Now I know that you're just quoting lines from one of the three decent movies you've starred in. Why can't you just answer me honestly?

PS: I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.

Me: Oh, come on! That one wasn't even your line!

PS: Fine. I'll stop quoting movie lines. I'll tell you my secret.

Me: Go ahead.

PS: I can't really act. I have three expressions: surprised, angry, and tightly intense. After that, I just dance or kick or run really fast, and then they cut to another scene.

Me: Yeah, I figured. I've seen a lot of your movies, even the shitty ones. You should have stuck with that ballet gig.

PS: Yeah, but then I never would have met my wife.

Me: Wait, you're straight? No way!

PS: Of course I am!

Me: You like women?

PS: I was married to one for thirty years!

Me: Hm. I just assumed the whole sex appeal to women thing was an act, like Tom Cruise, Ryan Seacrest, and George Clooney.

PS: Nope. I am a veritable pussy magnet.

Me: Now you're trying too hard to sound macho.

PS: I carried a watermelon.

Me: And we're back to the movie quotes. You're a waste of my fucking time.

PS: Yeah, I guess that's what you *would* see. I'll never be sorry, Baby.

Me: Jesus. Move on already – go to heaven or hell or the giant ballet academy in the sky. I'm done with you.

PS: Ditto.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My Interview with Phillip Spicklefritz

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Late last night, a neighbor down my street, Phillip Spicklefritz, passed away at the age of 94. While he may not have been famous, I thought he deserved an interview as well:

Me: Thanks for joining me Phil.

PS: So, this interview? Does it go on the radio? The picture box?

Me: No, no. It goes on the Internet. I'm only a journalist on the Internet.

PS: The "Innernet"? What's that? Ha! Sounds like some kind of tire.

Me: Well, to move on, is it true that you wrote a letter to Cary Grant where you called him a "cad"?

PS: I sure did! He was a hippie, too! But at least he was better than that homo-

(There is a banging at my door. Someone shouts "Ah . . Let me in!")

Me: Who is it?

Unknown Person: It's Teddy Kennedy. Open the dooah!

Me: Wait, how do I know that it's you?

Unknown Person: I ah just died on Toosdey.

Me: Lots of people died. Let me ask you – what's your favorite soup?

Unknown Person: The ahnswah is chowdah.

Me: And how would you get your vehicle into a designated waiting area?

Unknown Person: Umm, ah, you would ah pahk the cah?

Me: Okay, and what do you think about Marilyn Monroe?

Unknown Person: She was ah hooah who could ah ruined my brothah!

Me: Finally, what do you like on an ice cream sundae?

Unknown Person: Ooh. I love jimmies! They ah wicked awesome!

Me: Hm. Well, I'm not convinced. You could be some Southie who wants to rob me.

Unknown Person: Oh, fahk you you fahking mother fahkah! I was ah Senatah fah the United States of Americker! This will be yooeh fahkin' lahss!

Me: I'm calling the cops if you don't leave now!

Unknown Person: Fahn. I'm outta heah.

Me: Now that's over, Mr. Spicklefritz, let's get back to our interview.

PS: ZZZZZZZzzzz……

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My interview with Robert Novak from Crossfire

Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
Robert Novak. Or a bulldog.

Robert Novak. Or a bulldog.

Conservative political commentator Robert Novak died yesterday at the age of 78, and I had the pleasure of sitting down with him shortly after his demise (And thanks to Swan Shadow for the idea).

Me: So is it true?

RN: Is what true?

Me: That you're the Prince of Darkness?

RN: Well, that was just an affectionate nickname given to me by an old friend. I even used it as my book title.

Me: So you admit it? You're Satan?

RN: No, not at all. First of all, no horns.

Me: Maybe you've had them sawed off.

RN: Secondly, no tail.

Me: I don't know that. You're sitting down.

RN: Finally, wouldn't I look like a devil – be all red and fiery or something?

Me: Aha! You ARE the devil – that's exactly what he would say to fool me!

RN: Young man, I'm getting a bit offended by your tone. I am a God-fearing Catholic man, and this notion that I am somehow an incarnation of Lucifer himself is insulting and blasphemous.

Me: Okay, let's try another tack. How would you describe Satan?

RN: How would I describe him? Well, the Prince of Lies. The great deceiver. Twisting facts, distorting reality, and turning man against man.

Me: So would you say that a person who presents him- or herself one way but is in reality completely different would be a pretty damn good deceiver?

RN: Yes.

Me: And would you say that a person who selectively discusses facts to fit his or her political agenda, inciting a flame of partisanship, would be twisting facts?

RN: Absolutely.

Me: And yet, as a very conservative political commentator who was in fact a registered Democrat who inflated stories and ignored the objective truth to stir up controversy, you don't think you meet those definitions to a "T"?

RN: Of course not, and I resent your line of questioning. If you actually did your research, you might have discovered that many Republicans actually had a problem with some of my views, as well.

Me: So you admit that you deceive everyone then?

RN: Wha- No!

Me: Okay, different approach. Do you remember your old Democratic nemesis?

RN: James Carville?

Me: Yup. And his initials are?

RN: Oh, give me a fucking break. I am not Satan!

Me: You sowed chaos by outing Valerie Plame along with many of her CIA colleagues. You're a Jewish man who supports Palestine over Israel. You lied about your political leanings in order to drive man against man. Your own friends call you the Prince of Darkness, and your nemesis was JC. How can you look at these facts and deny the truth?

RN: This sham of an interview is over.

Me: But, Bobby, don't dodge the ques-

RN: (turns, faces me, eyes glowing red, while fire circles him like a halo and growls gutturally) I SAID IT'S OVER.

Me: (my shorts turn dark from urine) *gulp* Okay. Um, thanks for the interview?

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My Interview with John Hughes

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

As most of you know, John Hughes died on Thursday. Known as a recluse in life, he's not much different in death, and it took me a few days to snag this exclusive posthumous interview with him:

Me: Thanks for joining me, John.

JH: No problem. Glad to be here, man. I mean, you had to shackle me to this chair to interview me, but that's okay.

Me: Sorry about the restraints, but you're so elusive to interview! It's okay, though. I am your number one fan. There is nothing to worry about.

JH: That's cool. It's always nice to meet a fan.

Me: My favorite movie of yours has to be Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I've seen it a hundred times if I've seen it once.

JH: That one was a lot of fun to write.

Me: Why didn't you ever make a sequel?

JH: What?

Me: I mean, with a movie that popular, don't you think that you should have capitalized on it?

JH: Nah, man. I told my story. Ferris had his day off, lessons were learned, people grew. It was done.

Me: I've always had this dream of a sequel, though.

JH: Nothing I can do about it now, dude.

Me: Just imagine it being 20 years later. Ferris Bueller is a corporate drone and a single dad. Cameron is a radio talkshow host dating a different woman each week, and Sloane is a wealthy single socialite. He decides that it was such a nice day that he couldn't go to work, so he takes a day off of work, sneaks his son out of school (where Principal Rooney is still in charge) and goes for an adventure with his oldest friends. You could call it "Ferris Bueller Calls In Sick". Hm? Hm?

JH: That sounds like complete and utter claptrap.

Me: Well, it would be claptrap. Unless you wrote it. Because if you wrote it and infused it with the same humor, gravitas and character development as the original, it would be the best sequel ever. After Aliens, The Godfather Part II, and Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. And Empire Strikes Back.

JH: It would only work if Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, and Jeffrey Jones came back.

Me: Well, of course, and how could they stay away if you wrote a high caliber script?

JH: It doesn't matter. I'm dead. Sorry. And now I'm depressed. Interview's over, man.

Me: Um, no it's not. I have better plans for you. I am going to help you write a new script.

JH: You think I can just whip one out?

Me: Oh, but I don't think John, I know. Now let's not be a dirty birdy and start writing, hm? Don't make me motivate you and make everything all oogy!

JH: I am not. Writing. A. Fucking. Sequel.

Me: Oh, John. I guess we'll have to do this the hard way now, won't we?

JH: Oh Jesus. Put down the sledgehammer! I'll write, I'll write! ARARARRRGGGHHHH!! My knee!!!

Me: Do you feel more motivated now or do I have to bring out Mr. Ax?

JH: (sobbing) No, I'll write it. I'll write your sequel.

Me: Oh yay! Ferris is going to live again. Happy day happy day!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My interview with Walter Cronkite

Monday, July 20th, 2009

Walter Cronkite, one of the most respected journalists of our time, died on Friday night at the age of 92. I spoke with him posthumously on Sunday:

Me: Thank you for speaking with me, Walter.

WC: Young man, it is my pleasure.

Me: I'm very honored that I'm getting the chance to interview you. Since you are a veteran journalist, would you mind if I made this interview a fast-paced, hard hitting affair?

WC: (chuckles) Not at all. Please feel free to fire away.

Me: Oh, chuckle at me, will you, old man? First, here's a softball question. You retired from the CBS Evening News almost thirty years ago. Would you say that broadcast journalism has flourished or floundered after your absence?

WC: The corporatization of television journalism has ruined it. No longer can the people have someone they can trust to deliver unbiased news, and this saddens me greatly.

Me: Now, is it true that Adolf Hitler modeled his mustache after yours?

WC: Where did you hear that?

Me: So you admit that it's true?

WC: (sputters) No! I would like to know what unreliable sources you're using for such spurious accusations.

Me: I read it on a blog somewhere.

WC: Don't get me started about blogging. Blogs are going to be the death of journalism because every mom with a sleeping baby can churn out 500 words of her uneducated opinion and uninformed people will take it as fact.

Me: Plus, bloggers make up random shit like interviews with famous people who have died, too.

WC: Exactly.

Me: Did we just break the fourth wall?

WC: I'm not sure. I know that I just broke wind, though.

Me: Dude, did you eat limburger? Fuuck.

WC: Young man, do not call me "Dude". You can call me "Uncle Walter", "Walter", "Mr. Cronkite", or "Senor Mustache Ride", but that's only if you're under 19, Puerto Rican, and have an ass I can bounce a quarter off of.

Me: Well, now we're getting off track. Let's stick to the interview, fishlips. It is said that the term "anchor" was coined because of your role as a broadcast journalist.

WC: Yes, that's right.

Me: Why'd they come up with anchor? Why a nautical term? Why not "starboard"? Plank? Mast? Poop Deck?

WC: So you would have the gall to suggest that I would call myself a Television Poop Deck Man? Are you addled in the head?

Me: Hey, I'm not the one with Hitler's moustache who's named after a barnacle-encrusted rusty implement designed to stop a ship!

WC: This interview is over.

Me: Wait, one last thing.

WC: (sighs) Fine.

Me: My Canadian brother from another mother, LeSombre, turns another year older today. He told me that you are his biological father.

WC: I am absolutely not!

Me: He swears that you are his father. That you impregnated his mother during an orgy in the early 70s. That you, David Brinkley and Chen Huntley triple-teamed her.

WC: I swear that you have the ethics of an amoral snake-oil salesman.

Me: So you won't wish your illegitimate son a happy birthday?

WC: I most certainly will not! And may you rot in hell! (storms off)

Me: And that's the way it is.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My interview with Billy Mays, Pitchman Extraordinaire

Monday, June 29th, 2009

Celebrities are dropping like flies. I'm so busy with interview requests I barely have time to sleep. Billy Mays, let's hear what you have to say today:

Me: Hi Billy.

BM: Hello ADAM! Thank you for interviewing me today. I'm here to talk about a fantastic new product called DEATH!

Me: Um…

BM: It's AMAZING! Watch how EASY it is for me to turn from a 50-year old man with a loud voice to a LEGEND!

Me: Well, yes, that's probably true.

BM: In only THREE SIMPLE STEPS, I will be transformed from a mildly successful pitchman to
A PHILANTHROPIST! (shows picture of himself helping an orphan)
A FAMILY MAN! (shows picture of himself with his wife and son)
A MARKETING GENIUS! (shows picture of himself holding OxiClean)

Me: Well, that does sound pretty neat.

BM: It IS neat! Adam, let me ask you a question. Have you ever worried about being FORGOTTEN? (shows picture of sad man shrugging his shoulders as people ignore him)

Me: (nods head) Sure.

BM: Have you ever tried to get FAMOUS, only to find out that it's MESSIER than you thought? (shows picture of a celebrity trying to get rid of a dead hooker with blood everywhere)

Me: (nods head more vigorously) Yes!

BM: What if you could buy a product that would QUICKLY build upon your marginal POPULARITY by SKYROCKETING YOU TO SUPER STARDOM?

Me: (eagerly nods head even more) Ooooh, really?

BM: Yes, REALLY! All you have to do are follow these SIMPLE STEPS. They're SO SIMPLE that a CHILD could do them! 1. TRY – gain some marginal popularity 2. FLY – get hit on the head by a heavy object during a commercial flight and 3. DIE – IT'S SO EASY THAT ANYONE CAN DO IT FROM THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME!

Me: (looks quizzically to the audience) But how much could something this amazing cost?

BM: I DON'T KNOW – YOU TELL ME?!? Would $400 sound like a fair amount?

Me: Hm. Yes?

BM: NO!

Me: Okay, no!

BM: This AMAZING product could be yours for only three monthly payments of $19.95! And if you CALL RIGHT NOW, we'll give you the third payment free! THAT'S RIGHT, for only two monthly payments of $19.95, YOU TOO CAN EXPERIENCE THE AMAZING SUCCESS OF DEATH! But that's not all!

Me: (looks amazed) It's not?

BM: NO!!! If you CALL NOW, I'll also throw in a free copy of my book, "Billy Mays' Guide to Beard Maintenance" AND a free CLIP-ON READING LIGHT that allows you to read in any location – while under the covers, on the couch, at the movies . . .

Me: So, let me see if I have this right, Billy. For only TWO PAYMENTS of $19.95, I'm not only going to experience AMAZING SUCCESS with your WONDERFUL NEW PRODUCT, DEATH, but you'll also throw in a FREE copy of your book AND a FREE clip-on reading light? And all I have to do is 1. TRY, 2. FLY, AND 3. DIE?

BM: Yes! That's it!

Me: Is it really that easy? Are there any catches, Billy?

BM: No, Adam, there are NO CATCHES and it is really THAT EASY! So simple a CHILD CAN DO IT!

Me: But couldn't I just try some of those other products I've seen out there, like SUICIDE, CANCER and FAME BY ACTUALLY BEING TALENTED?

BM: You could, if you wanted to be like Marlene Munro, Juan Linnon, or Ed McMahon.

Me: (shrugs shoulders, looks confused) Who?

BM: EXACTLY! If you want to try one of the competitors, you'll quickly learn that their product is INFERIOR to ours in every way. The ONLY WAY that you can experience TRUE POSTHUMOUS SUCCESS AND IMMORTALITY is through this product right here.

Me: Well, you've sold me! How about the rest of you? (turns to audience) Are you ready to start succeeding today?

Audience: (applauds) YES! WOOHOO!!!

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