Posts Tagged ‘interviews’

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My interview with Corey Haim

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

Former child actor Corey Haim died yesterday at the age of 38. I was granted a quick interview with the deceased "Lost Boys" star:

Me: Hi Corey, thanks for talking with me.

CH: It's my pleasure. I want all of my fans to know that I'm okay. They don't need to worry.

Me: Well, most of your fans are in their late 30s and early 40s and probably have plenty of other shit to worry about now. But I'll pass along the message.

CH: I appreciate it. I know that my demographic might skew a little older now that I'm older, but to many of them, I'll always be Sam or Lucas.

Me: I wouldn't know. I've never seen Lost Boys or Lucas and the only time I've ever heard of you was the horrible "License to Drive".

CH: Really?

Me: Yup! Now the other Corey? I loved him in Goonies.

CH: Felllldmannn. Don't even get me started.

Me: I thought you guys got along now?

CH: Are you kidding? The guy is a grade-A douchebag. Have you ever heard him speak?

Me: Yeah, he kind of oozes when he talks.

CH: Did you ever see that clip they showed on The Soup where Feldman sang at his wife? He thought that was romantic and now he'll only have sex when they play that song.

Me: Ok, that's creepy.

CH: Dude, tell me about it. I've spent my whole life trying to get away from Corey fucking Feldman, but he just won't die! He's like a cockroach. That's why I did what I did.

Me: What's that?

CH: You know.

Me: Umm, no I don't.

CH: Sure you do!

Me: Pretend I don't.

CH: That's why I died!

Me: You committed suicide to get away from Corey Feldman?

CH: Well, kind of, but it has its perks.

Me: It does?

CH: Yeah! I'm really strong now and I can fly!

Me: Ummm….

CH: And I can see at night and I will live forever!

Me: Umm, Corey? Do you think that you're a vampire now?

CH: Yeah! See? Look at my fangs!

Me: Those are just your canine teeth and I think mine are sharper looking than that.

CH: But look how pale I am!

Me: That's because you're dead.

CH: Yeah, see? Undead!

Me: No. Just. Plain. Dead.

CH: I'm a vampire – watch me lift this chair with one hand!

Me: A child with polio could lift that chair.

CH: Bah! You're just an unbeliever. I'll show you.

Me: What are you doing? Did you just poop your pants?

CH: No! I'm trying to turn into a bat!

Me: Oh. I think if you're not careful you might-

CH: I just pooped myself.

Me: And there we go.

CH: But . . . but I wanted to become more famous than Feldman!

Me: Sorry, buddy. Good luck in whatever place it is that washed up TV child-stars go!

CH: *sniff* I am a vampire. I am a vampire. I am a vampire. *sniff*

Me: Please stop biting me.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 34 Comments »

My Interview with Roy Scheider

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

On February 10, 2008, Roy Scheider, best known for his role of the sheriff in "Jaws", died at the age of 75. I didn't have a chance to interview him then, so I thought I'd use the anniversary of his passing to talk to him briefly:

Me: Roy, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I see you brought the shark with you?

RS: We're going to need a bigger couch.

Me: Heh. I see what you did there. Did you know that your quote, which I understand was ad-libbed, is considered one of the top 50 best movie quotes?

RS: We're going to need bigger accolades.

Me: Well, okay. It was actually ranked #35, sorry about that. So, tell me, what's it like after death? Do you have plenty of activities planned?

RS: We're going to need a bigger check.

Me: Sigh. Umm, well, you're not getting paid at all for this interview, so just be happy that anybody remembers who you are. Other than Jaws, I don't think your movies are exactly memorable. Can you just answer the question without using the one quote that everybody knows?

RS: We're going to need a bigger block of time.

Me: Unfortunately, we don't have that much time left. Do you have any regrets about your body of work as an actor?

RS: We should have had bigger principles.

Me: I agree. Maybe taking every film you could get just for the paycheck wasn't the wisest choice. I mean, people don't even know your name – they just know you as that cranky sheriff from the shark movie. How's that for a legacy?

RS: We're going to need a bigger bottle of booze.

Me: Drink up, buddy. You deserve it. You and your shark.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 9 Comments »

My Interviews with Zelda Rubinstein and J. D. Salinger

Friday, January 29th, 2010

Zelda Rubinstein, the creepy old midget lady known best for her role in Poltergeist I, II, and III as Tangina Barrons, died yesterday at the age of 76. I took a minute to sit down with her.

Me: Hi, Zelda, thanks for agreeing to this short visit. I was sorry to hear about your death.

ZR: There is no death. There is only a transition to a different sphere of consciousness.

Me: Well, yes. But there's still a corpse. Anyways, let me ask you a tiny question.

ZR: Ahem. Go right ahead.

Me: Do you feel like your roles in the Poltergeist films dwarfed the rest of your career?

ZR: Are you doing this on purpose?

Me: Doing what on purpose? I'm a little confused.

ZR: Why do you keep doing that?

Me: I think you may be a teensy weensy bit wrong.

ZR: There! You did it again! You keep mocking my size!

Me: I would never do something like that. That's awfully immature of me.

ZR: Oh, okay, I may have just overreacted.

Me: It's okay. You just have a short fuse. A little, tiny, fuse.

ZR: Gah! I'm going into the Light. There is peace and serenity and no assholes like you in the Light.

Me: Midget.

ZR: Fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuu…….

In addition to Zelda Rubinstein, the extremely reclusive author of "The Catcher in the Rye", J. D. Salinger, passed away yesterday at the age of 91. I was granted an exclusive interview with this amazing author:

Me: Mr. Salinger, thank you for speaking with me in the first interview you've given since 1981, 29 years ago.
Me: Umm, hello?
Me: Why are you just sitting there staring at me?
Me: You're creeping me out, old man!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 14 Comments »

Me and the good Doctor King

Monday, January 18th, 2010

In honor of MLK Day, I'm rerunning last year's interview with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.:

"I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Me: Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.

MLK: It's my pleasure to have another chance to share my message of peace with the world.

Me: Can I call you Marty?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: Marty – you know, your name? I mean, I have a Doctorate, too, so unless you want to call me Dr. Avitable and make me call you Dr. King, I think we can dispense with the formalities.

MLK: Ummm….

Me: Of course, Marty makes me think of Back to the Future and Marty McFly – can you imagine having your mom hit on you and making your family disappear?

MLK: What?

Me: They don't have movies in heaven? I'd think you'd have plenty of free time to catch all of the movies that come out now. Unless you're actually in hell?

MLK: No, no. I just don't trifle myself with cinema. We sit around and have hours of discourse on life and society and culture and other-

Me: And you strum your harps, blah blah blah.

MLK: You're quite impudent.

Me: I'm just bored with your snootiness. You're quite full of yourself for a-

MLK: For a black man? Did you just call me an uppity black man?

Me: I was going to say ghost. Jeez, jump to conclusions much?

MLK: I apologize. I know that you live in a time of racial harmony.

Me: Well, rap music is probably the only racial harmony around.

MLK: But a black man will be entering his given place in a large, secure government facility this year!

Me: Yeah, OJ got convicted, finally.

MLK: No, I'm saying that a black American is finally getting the recognition of the world and the total adoration and respect of most of its peoples.

Me: Oh yeah! Will Smith is one of my all-time favorite actors, too. Did you see Hancock?

MLK: I'm talking about the wonder of a world where an African American can appear on television and have millions of viewers tune in to hang on each and every word.

Me: Ohhh, you're talking about Oprah! She gives away cars to her audience, so I think she bribes the viewers for all of that adoration.

MLK: Boy, are you addled in the head? Did you get kicked by a mule as a child?

Me: No, why?

MLK: You seem to be easily distracted and too focused on the tawdry world of entertainment and cinema instead of the real world. A young man such as yourself should be focusing on church, service to his community, church, raising a family, and spreading peace throughout the world.

Me: Wow. Preachy much?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: I'm just saying – now you're being a bit uppity.

Me: Hello?

Me: Marty?

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 18 Comments »

My interview with Brittany Murphy

Monday, December 21st, 2009

The actress Brittany Murphy, known for "Clueless" and as the voice of Luanne on "King of the Hill", died Sunday at the age of 32. Shortly after her passing, I was invited to interview her:

Me: I'm sorry that I'm interviewing you, Brittany. You were quite young.

BM: I know. I can't believe this happened. My life had so much promise!

Me: Well, I wouldn't go that far. I mean, you kind of peaked when you co-starred with Eminem in "8 Mile", don't you think?

BM: Maybe yer right. Can I ask ya what the papers are saying about my death?

Me: Well, they're calling it a cardiac arrest, which we know is just code for coca–

BM: Don't you fucking say it – I will walk out of this interview right now. I had an infernal heart conditioner.

Me: A what?

BM: A genital heart effect.

Me: Do you mean a congenital heart defect?

BM: Yah, exactly! And, yanno, trying to umpire that my death was caused by nerf fairies elements would be, yanno, slander.

Me: Well, let's stay away from any nefarious implications, then, and focus on your career.

BM: Thank yew.

Me: In Clueless, you transformed from a schlubby brunette into a hip high school student who could have any boy she wanted. It seems like your career reflects that role somewhat.

BM: Huh? In what way?

Me: Well, as an actress, you started out at a more normal weight, with brown hair and average features, and somehow over the last 14 years, you've become an almost anorexic blonde with a different nose!

BM: It's, yanno, my style of acting. I am all like method and committed myself completely to an advanced cardiomasculine routine.

Me: I see. So there was no plastic sur–

BM: I swear to fucking God that if you continue to disparagus me, this interview is over.

Me: I'm sorry – I'm trying to be respectful, but it's hard when talking about your career.

BM: It's okay. I forgive yew.

Me: Let's move on to your love life. Why on earth would you date Ashton Ku—

BM: That's it! I'm outta here. Fuck you and yer stupid interromagation!

Me: Wait, one last thing.

BM: What?!?

Me: Cocaine. Plastic Surgery. Ashton Kutcher.

BM: GAHHHHH!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 32 Comments »

My interview with Oral Roberts

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

On Tuesday, Oral Roberts died at the age of 91. Today, I was granted an exclusive interview with him:

Me: So, Mr. Roberts, you're finally on your way to meet your maker. Are you excited?

OR: Why yes, young man, I am. I cannot wait to gaze on the holy face of the Lord my God.

Me: Are you pretty sure that you're going to go to heaven?

OR: That's not for me to decide. All I can say is that I have tried to live my life in a Christian way and have repented for my sins.

Me: You had quite a following while you were alive – did that ever give you a big ego?

OR: I have to admit that I occasionally felt prideful over my flock, but I was able to remain humble as well.

Me: Did you ever hear of those groups that gathered around the country to support you? They weren't cults per se, but they were little pockets of Christians who thought you were closer to God than other people. What's the word – I can't think of it.

OR: Hm, enclaves? Sects?

Me: Yes, sects! Did you encourage or support these Oral sects?

OR: I never have. I am not a fan of Oral sects and in fact, I think it's unholy.

Me: Sometimes these sects would do mind-altering drugs to try to get closer to the Lord. What would you think about these types?

OR: I am totally against mindblowing Oral sects. No matter what.

Me: So, to reiterate, the very concept of Oral sects infuriates you and you condemn all facets of Oral sects completely?

OR: Exactly!

Me: I bet Mrs. Roberts really loved you, didn't she?

OR: Most of the time, except when she was sucking my cock.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 20 Comments »

My Interview with Ken Ober

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

Ken Ober died. I drew the short straw and had to interview him.

Me: Who the fuck are you again?

KO: I-

Me: I'm just kidding. I don't give a shit.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 17 Comments »

Nada

Saturday, November 14th, 2009

It's been an emotionally exhausting week. I've spent several nights over at our friend's house since her husband died on Monday, and even trying to comprehend the emotions that she's going through and the massive shift that her life has undergone is a monumental task. And then I feel bad for somehow being exhausted when nothing's happened to me. Nothing's changed my life forever. No tragedy has struck my family.

Anyways, I don't have much to say – I've been going to bed early and falling asleep at my desk quite a bit, so my creativity has been shot. Why don't you act as my muses?

Ask me any question in the comments. I'll take a day next week and answer them. Nothing is off limits.

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My Interview with Henry Gibson

Thursday, September 17th, 2009

henry-gibsonThe diminutive actor Henry Gibson died last night at age 73. Of course, I jumped on the chance to interview him after he passed.

Me: So, Mr. Gibson, you played the neo-Nazi leader in Blues Brothers, right?

HG: That is correct. It was very fun working with Dan Aykroyd and the late John Belushi.

Me: Out of your entire repertoire, what was your favorite role?

HG: Well, I'd have to say-

Kanye West storms in, pushes Henry Gibson down and says: Yo, this is nice and all, but I just gotta say that Beyonce's death will be the best, most amazing death of the year. This old white dude has lived his long-ass life and is old as shit, but when Beyonce dies, it will be off the muthafuckin' hook!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 54 Comments »

My Interview with Phillip Spicklefritz

Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Late last night, a neighbor down my street, Phillip Spicklefritz, passed away at the age of 94. While he may not have been famous, I thought he deserved an interview as well:

Me: Thanks for joining me Phil.

PS: So, this interview? Does it go on the radio? The picture box?

Me: No, no. It goes on the Internet. I'm only a journalist on the Internet.

PS: The "Innernet"? What's that? Ha! Sounds like some kind of tire.

Me: Well, to move on, is it true that you wrote a letter to Cary Grant where you called him a "cad"?

PS: I sure did! He was a hippie, too! But at least he was better than that homo-

(There is a banging at my door. Someone shouts "Ah . . Let me in!")

Me: Who is it?

Unknown Person: It's Teddy Kennedy. Open the dooah!

Me: Wait, how do I know that it's you?

Unknown Person: I ah just died on Toosdey.

Me: Lots of people died. Let me ask you – what's your favorite soup?

Unknown Person: The ahnswah is chowdah.

Me: And how would you get your vehicle into a designated waiting area?

Unknown Person: Umm, ah, you would ah pahk the cah?

Me: Okay, and what do you think about Marilyn Monroe?

Unknown Person: She was ah hooah who could ah ruined my brothah!

Me: Finally, what do you like on an ice cream sundae?

Unknown Person: Ooh. I love jimmies! They ah wicked awesome!

Me: Hm. Well, I'm not convinced. You could be some Southie who wants to rob me.

Unknown Person: Oh, fahk you you fahking mother fahkah! I was ah Senatah fah the United States of Americker! This will be yooeh fahkin' lahss!

Me: I'm calling the cops if you don't leave now!

Unknown Person: Fahn. I'm outta heah.

Me: Now that's over, Mr. Spicklefritz, let's get back to our interview.

PS: ZZZZZZZzzzz……

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 60 Comments »

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