Since almost all of my readers are deeply religious Christians who attend church weekly and sing the Lord's praises to the heavens, I thought I'd take the time today to provide you with some thought provoking verses from the Holy Bible that are related to Easter, also known as Resurrection Day to those in my faith.
John 11:25-26
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. But he who doesn't believe in me but instead believes in those Mohammad and Allah chuckleheads, well, he's fucked."
Romans 1:4-5
And Jesus Christ our Lord was shown to be the Son of God when God powerfully raised him from the dead by means of the Holy Spirit. And though the raising from the dead was reparations in God's eyes for being a deadbeat dad, the court saw it and they said that it was Good. Now, through Christ, God has given us the privilege and authority to tell Gentiles everywhere what God has done for them, so that they will believe and obey him, bringing glory to his name.
Romans 6:8-11
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. Unless his head is removed by a sword, and you bear witness to the Quickening, lo, there can be only one.
Philippians 3:10-12
I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. And I want to break bread with him and I read his words and I am his number one fan. If I could meet the Lord Jesus Christ, I know in my heart of hearts that he and I would be best friends forever, and we would hang out with each other all of the time.
1 Peter 1:3
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. In His great rush to do so, though, He forgot a few things and now our Lord Jesus Christ keeps asking for brains.
Matthew 27:50-53
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people. And these people spread the word of the Holy Ghost. And then the Ghostbusters arrived and Dr. Venkman spilled his seed with Mary Magdalene.
Matthew 28:1-10
After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary, who is not a Rhoda no matter what the girls at school said, went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow and he looked like Legolas from that hobbit movie. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and shit their pants.Orlando Bloom said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." Then he flipped his hair and the women swooned.
So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Um, I'm not really into that foot fetish shit. I could totally use a blowjob, though."
Happy Easter, everyone!
After working all night and realizing that I can't hammer a nail in without smacking my knuckles, can't saw straight even with a straight edge, and can't build a box that actually has 90 degree angles, I realized that I am definitely not a carpenter.
This got me thinking about another nine ways that I'm not in any way like Jesus. I mean, I know that people like to call me the god of blogging, I have my own church, and others use my name in vain all the time, but seriously, people. I'm really not like Jesus.
10. I'm not a carpenter, and neither is my father.
9. For me, 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish makes a nice big tuna fish sandwich for one.
8. It wouldn't even cost thirty pieces of silver for Britt to call the cops on me.
7. I can only turn water into Diet Coke.
6. When I was born, I got a savings bond and a stuffed gorilla, and I was visited by wiseguys, not wise men.
5. I can really only fast for about forty seconds.
4. I thought I raised someone from the dead, but it turned out that they were just sleeping really well.
3. Instead of giving people bread and saying that it's my body, I give people milkshakes and say, "I came in that."
2. I don't even wash my own feet.
1. I have a whore for a friend, not for a lover. I don't turn my cheeks, I spread 'em!
Jesus loves Humor-Blogs.com.
I'm guilty. I did it. I killed the Rev. Jerry Falwell. (Does "Rev." stand for "Revolting"?) For those of you who are oblivious, Jerry Falwell was found dead in his office. It's assumed that he had a coronary episode. However, the truth is that I snuck into his office with my ninja skills and dispatched him using a poison that has potassium chloride in it, which simulated the conditions of a myocardial infarction. Once his Holy Fuckness was dead, I saw his soul for an instant, hovering above his body, before it was sucked down in a red flash, where hopefully he'll be anally raped for all eternity by a series of gay Muslim men wearing Teletubby masks. As is my typical custom, I celebrated Falwell's death by doing a little happy dance – it's what I usually do when despicable people shuffle off the mortal coil. And since I was the one who killed him, I was especially happy! Don't believe me? Just look below for proof of my ninjosity (Click for a larger version):
In other news, when I got my mail today, I received an awesome postcard from the one and only Mr. Fabulous. He finally took me up on my advice to try necrophilia:
Thanks to Crystal for the idea for today's post.
A reading from the book of Avitable:
And when the sixth hour was come, there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour.
And at the ninth hour JC cried with a loud voice, saying "Holy God that hurts!" He was mocked and given laughter instead of treatment.
After this, JC knowing that his project would not yet be accomplished, that this script would not be fulfilled, said, "Oh, shit."
When JC therefore heard the laughter, he said "It is finished:" and he fell over and gave up the ghost.
For those of us who listen to the Church of Holy Avitableness, Easter is a time of remembrance and celebration around the death and subsequent resurrection of JC, which stands, of course, for John Candy.
Every year, on Easter weekend, we gather around the multiplexes and await the sign of his return. Whether it is "The Great Outdoors 2", "Uncle Buck's Back", "Planes, Trains, Automobiles and Monorails", or even "Who's Harry Crumb This Time?", we will faithfully await the sign of his return, which will usher in a new era of laughter to this world.
Followers of the Church of Holy Avitableness are encouraged to gorge themselves this weekend. Consume massive amounts of chocolate, in the form of bunnies, Cadbury Creme Eggs, Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, or chocolate statues of JC. Eat cheeseburgers by the bucket and consume massive amounts of liquor in celebration of our apostle, JC.
May peace be with all of you fuckers. Praise be to me.
And don't forget! Go vote for me, or you will rot in Avitahell for all eternity!
