Now I don't profess to know or care about politics. It just doesn't matter to me. I'm an upper middle class straight married white male – no matter who's in power, I'm going to be just fine. But just for shits and giggles, I've decided to apply my extremely limited knowledge to discuss the candidates for the Republican primaries. Tomorrow, if I have time, I'll take on the Democrats.

First, I think Republicans are the ones who want to censor porn but promote guns, support tobacco but destroy any type of public assistance, and kill anyone who is different than them. Oh, and they pray to Jesus when it suits them. Right?

And Democrats are the ones who want to protect civil liberties while giving our money away to everyone, promote free speech while supporting ridiculous levels of political correctness, legalize marijuana but criminalize tobacco, and kill anyone who is different than them. Oh, and they go to church when they need to skew conservative. Right?

Now that we've straightened that out, let's get started:

For the Republican primaries, let's start with Rudy Jooleyanni. As many of you know, Rudy started out as a small kid in a steel mill town who wasn't allowed to play football because he wasn't big enough. But, in the end, he played for Notre Dame, and now, he won't let anyone forget the fact that he managed to play in the big leagues. He was the mayor of Gotham, but then the Joker got him with his poison, and he ended up on Saturday Night Live in drag. He's been married fourteen thousand times, and he doesn't realize that there are states and people in between New York and Los Angeles.

Next, we have Mike Huckleberry. Huckleberry is a good old Arkansas boy who used to get in lots of trouble with Tom Sawyer and almost got hisself kilt by Injun Joe. He found Jesus and has a fake law degree that was honorarily given by his no-name school. Since, as a boy, he got into trouble all the time, he used his power as governor to let a convicted rapist go. All he asked was that the rapist wear a "Vote Huckabee" pin and gave bumper stickers to his future victims. He is extremely popular among comedians who can't wait to rhyme his name with "Fuck a Bee".

The third candidate is Dunkin' Donuts Hunter. His nickname came from the fact that his eyes always looks glazed over, and his face has the consistency of a cruller. When Hunter was a boy, he had a tree house and he painted a sign that said "No Gurls Allowed". Girls kept coming to visit, though, so he erected a security fence around his house and had guard dogs patrol it to make sure that no illegal girls entered his property. Hunter is not related to the creator of the Hunter Jet, but he is second cousins with Hunter from television, played by Fred Dryer.

Number four is Alan Keyes, again. He's a black Republican.

Johnny McCain was originally the inspiration for the Rambo films. He is almost 100 years old now, but he routinely goes walking in bad areas of Phoenix and beats up gang members who try to rob him. Several years ago, some of his friends decided that they wanted to let people give them money, then they would promise interest on that money, but in reality, they were just going to take it all and use it to buy hookers and coke. And islands. Johnny was lucky to escape any real problems from this scandal, and now he has tried to take on all cliches that come to politics, from porkbarrelling to carpetbagging to pagesucking. At night, he lays in bed and dreams of actually being a Democrat so that he could marry John Stewart.

RuPaul, our sixth candidate, is a Republican from the good old days when Republican meant something. He has wisely used the Internet to garner support. Using viral marketing campaigns to drum up name recognition, Paul has slowly edged out "Subservient Chicken" and "Paris Hilton Sex Tape" as the top Google keywords for the last quarter of 2007. Paul is a doctor and has been fist deep in more vaginas than Bill Clinton. He is a strict Constitutionalist (aka a constructionist), but mainly because he was alive when it was originally drafted. Fun Ron Paul fact: He actually delivered Thomas Jefferson's black girlfriend's child!

"Mitt Romney" is German for "With Noodles". He is a Mormon candidate who has 3 wives scattered throughout Utah. Each of his wives has three husbands, and each husband has three more wives, and so on and so on, which means that he is actually related to 99% of the Utah population, guaranteeing his win for that state. On his property in Utah, he has a fence that he likes to sit on. He's managed to stay in good shape by hopping this fence as appropriate, landing on one side after another very agilely.

Fred Thompson wishes that politics was like his role as the District Attorney on Law and Order. Why can't he just show up a few minutes at a time, say a few pithy things, and then go back to his trailer to have sex with his wife who is 75 years younger than he is?

And that's my well-researched, educated, in-depth political analysis. I think maybe I should go into this for a career and get a half hour on CSPAN where I can talk loudly and belittle people while sharing my opinion as if it matters! Oh yeah, and since my opinion matters, here is my ranking of the candidates:

By overall appeal (highest to lowest):

1. Paul
2. McCain
3. Giuliani
4. Thompson
5. Hunter
6. Huckabee
7. Romney
8. Keyes

By penis size (largest to smallest):

1. Thompson
2. Keyes
3. Paul
4. McCain
5. Romney
6. Hunter
7. Huckabee
8. Giuliani