After hearing about two mothers who I know are excellent parents who had one child running around with a sharp tool that almost gouged her eye out, and another baby who managed to eat dinner at a neighbor's house without anyone realizing, I decided to write about kids.

Mainly, I thought I'd think about my specific situation. Why do I or don't I want to have children? What better way to make a life-altering decision like this than to make a Pros and Cons list and invite you to give your own invaluable, or valueless as the case might be, insight?

Let's start with the Pros:

1. They might support us when we're older.
2. They carry on the family name.
3. They'll mow the lawn.
4. They have longer life expectancies than dogs or other pets, except for turtles.
5. They're slightly easier to train than most pets.
6. They can be our own twisted science experiment.
7. They'll be little geniuses.
8. We can live vicariously through them.
9. Dependents are good tax breaks.
10. With so many inbred white trash having multiple children in and out of wedlock, procreation is necessary to make sure that future generations aren't overrun with morons.
11. We can try out cool baby names like Thor, Fucknutter, and Pqrgslx.

And the Cons:

1. They're loud and obnoxious.
2. They cost a lot of money.
3. They might become real assholes.
4. There's no real guaranteed ROI.
5. Our existing lifestyle would be severely disrupted.
6. No more travel.
7. No more fancy dinners.
8. We'd have to go see those horrible animated films.
9. Getting a nanny is fraught with danger and difficulties.
10. Parental obligations for school and activities really suck.
11. We'd have to go to school plays and musicals.
12. They'll probably disappoint me no matter what.
13. The world's too dangerous.
14. If those two excellent parents above still have problems, I don't stand a chance.
15. We can lock the dog in the bedroom for the weekend with food and water if we want to go away.
16. The concept of pregnancy sounds absolutely horrifying.
17. The birth and repercussions sound even worse.
18. I have no interest in choosing between my business and my children. The business will always win.
19. They'll probably become serial killers.
20. They might be smarter than me.
21. I'll have to start eating vegetables.
22. The thought of a new little baby does not bring any thought of joy or happiness to mind.
23. My parents will try to make them into little Republitards.
24. All of my friends with kids will think that they're experts even though they can barely keep it together long enough to remember their own name.
25. I can't return them if I change my mind.
26. I'd rather have money.

That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there are more Cons, not necessarily any more Pros, but I'd love to I suppose I'd be willing to hear your thoughts.