Posts Tagged ‘lessons’

Divorce 101

Friday, February 5th, 2010

Welcome to Divorce 101 here at Avitable's School of Higher Learning. Hopefully, each of you did your reading over winter break. If not, your assignments are to read "You Can't Have 'Divorce' Without an 'Orc'" and "Top Ten Ways Not To Get Ripped Off By The Pawnbroker Buying Your Wedding Ring" and write a paper discussing the thematic elements in each book and how they compare to and contrast with the philosophy present in Plato's Republic.

I don't have a syllabus ready because I was too busy trying to buy all of those little things you need for your home that you don't think about, like coasters or salt and pepper or a toilet brush. So instead, I've decided just to quickly outline the next 12 weeks so that you can be properly prepared for each lesson. Remember, I grade on a curve, but you will lose or gain points based on the caliber, attractiveness, and IQ of your rebound final exam.

DIVORCE 101, BY DOCTOR ADAM HEATH AVITABLE

LESSON #1: DISHES

Problem: Doing dishes sucks. I hate that chore more than anything else in the world.
Old Married Solution: Wait until they pile so high that spouse does them.
New Divorced Solution: Use paper plates.

LESSON #2: TELEVISION

Problem: Part of the fun of watching comedies is laughing with other people.
Old Married Solution: Save comedies to watch with spouse.
New Divorced Solution: Record yourself laughing on your computer and make your own laughtrack.

LESSON #3: LAUNDRY

Problem: It's inordinately difficult to put dirty laundry anywhere other than the exact spot where you took it off.
Old Married Solution: Laundry fairy flits around, picking up dirty socks and underwear and placing them in clothes hampers.
New Divorced Solution: Buy 60 pairs of socks, 60 pairs of underwear, and re-use shirts and pants. Once every two months, rent a small backhoe and push laundry pile into laundry room.

LESSON #4: MEALS

Problem: I don't like to cook and I don't like going out to eat alone.
Old Married Solution: Go out for dinner 5 nights a week and order in the other two.
New Divorced Solution: Microwave two hot dogs covered in cheese and smother in mayo. Total prep time: 1:45.

LESSON #5: SLEEPING

Problem: I have nightmares of creepy little girls and huge spiders.
Old Married Solution: Scream until spouse wakes up and calms you down.
New Divorced Solution: Only sleep in 20-minute increments every two hours so that you achieve sleep without ever going into a dream state.

LESSON #6: SHARING

Problem: It's a stress relief to share the details of your mundane day.
Old Married Solution: Tell spouse about your day in detail.
New Divorced Solution: Blog.

LESSON #7: COMFORT

Problem: There's a distinct difference in the feel of an empty house vs a house with someone else living there.
Old Married Solution: Spouse is present.
New Divorced Solution: Rent your new home out as a glory hole for 50-year old queens.

LESSON #8: ZOMBIE ATTACK

Problem: Zombies are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Pick a defensible room and cover each other's backs until spouse gets bitten, then kill spouse and then self.
New Divorced Solution: Get bitten, join the zombies and become King of Zombies.

LESSON #9: NINJAS

Problem: Ninjas are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Show you are a man of honor by defending spouse, gain respect of ninja clan.
New Divorced Solution: Demand ninja respect by dropping pants and praying that Asian small penis stereotype is true.

LESSON #10: GEEKINESS

Problem: You are a giant geek who reads comic books and has action figures.
Old Married Solution: Embrace your geekiness completely because spouse has already committed.
New Divorced Solution: Rent two homes. One for dates that demonstrates a home of a well-adjusted, normal 33-year old man, and one that nobody sees with 43 Batman statues, a full-size Yoda replica, and lightsabers.

LESSON #11: DRESSING

Problem: You have no idea how to dress.
Old Married Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Spouse is stuck with you.
New Divorced Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Someone out there will see you as a project!

LESSON #12: CHOKING

Problem: There is always a risk of choking when eating any type of food.
Old Married Solution: Make sure spouse knows CPR.
New Divorced Solution: Limit diet to soup and ice cream to avoid any possibility of choking and asphyxiating alone on your kitchen floor.

And that's it for today's class. I'd teach more, but I somehow have more chores I need to do even though there's only one of me! See you next week when we'll also explore why it's not proper for a man to refer to himself as a "divorcee".

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Posted in Love and marriage | 141 Comments »

Dear 13 year old Avitable

Friday, August 8th, 2008

Avitable in MAD

Saw this over at Shamelessly Sassy's. The concept is a letter to yourself at age 18. I'm tweaking it a bit and moving it back to 13, because by 18 I already knew everything (ha!). And since there's so much to tell my teenage self, I'm going to have to go with a bulleted list. Here goes:

Dear Little Avitable,

I remember having lots of questions and nobody to ask and lots of uncertainty and no way to know how to proceed. Keep this letter with you over the next few years, and most of your questions and concerns should be answered:

1. That trick you're trying to do? By dangling half off the bed and trying to bend your spine enough to put your own penis in your mouth? It's not going to work, and you're going to fall on your head and think you broke your neck.

2. Don't go back a second time and look in that girl's bathroom window. This time, the floodlights are going to come on and the cops are going to come.

3. When you kiss Nina for the first time, don't let it be the last time. She would have totally slept with you.

4. There will be a time when you're babysitting for some friends of your parents and the kids will be asleep and you'll be jerking off to the Playboy you found on the coffee table. When you accidentally sneeze and ejaculate all over your shirt and pants, DON'T take off all of your clothes and put them in the laundry. This will be the one time that your parents decide to come by and check on you, and you and your Dad will not be able to look each other in the eye for quite some time. Just let the come dry – it will dry semi-clear.

5. You will get made fun of for singing Sinead O'Connor to yourself. And Cyndi Lauper.

6. In college, when you get that dorm room that looks right into the sophomore girls' shower, remember that your window is not a one-way mirror.

7. That whole thing you'll do in high school where you roll up your sleeves on your shirt and then staple them directly into your arm? Fucking retarded. Please don't.

8. Masturbating while driving a stick shift is not only stupid, but it will be really, really messy and make your whole car smell funky for a month.

9. The online porn site you'll start freshman year of college will make you $2,000 in a week's time. Even though it will shut down the school's server and they'll threaten to kick you out, keep with it! Drop out of college if you have to. Just go register sex.com, and keep it up. We'll make billions.

10. When you're babysitting over at the doctor's house and using his big satellite to watch hardcore porn, understand that if you change the satellite as soon as you see their headlights in the window, they can see the satellite dish changing location in the side yard. And they'll know!

Hopefully this advice can help you avoid some of the horror, embarrassment and missed opportunities that I had. It gets a lot better, and the chocolate covered burrito is still just as tasty now as it was back then!

-Old Avitable

P.S. Mom took up smoking again but she's going to hide it for 20 years – see if you can bust her in the act!

What would you write to your teenage self?

Like this? Go vote for me on Humor-Blogs.com.

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Posted in Dirty talk | 52 Comments »

Lessons must be taught!

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

On Sunday night, before going to Britt's for Thanksgiving III, I stopped at Albertson's to pick up dessert. As I walked out of the store, starting to cross the road to get to where I had parked my car, this Jeep, going about 60, pulled up the crosswalk, tapped his brakes, and then floored it by me. If I hadn't been paying attention, I might have been hit. In fact, if it wasn't me, but a mother with a couple of kids, one of those kids would have been launched about thirty feet in the air.

The Jeep passed by close enough that I could feel it passing by. So I did what any person who likes to teach lessons to others would do. I smacked the rear right panel of his car as he sped past me, leaving an indentation.

I walked over to my car as the Richard Petty wannabe (we'll call him Chickenfucker Nutsack) squealed his tires as he turned around, and drove down the parallel lane, parking his car so he could face mine as I started to get in.

I was surprised that Chickenfucker Nutsack wasn't some 18-year old punk but a guy in his 40s, balding, pale, with thick glasses and a quivering face, wearing an Albertson's shirt. Chickenfucker looked like he was about to burst into tears from anger.

He rolled down the window and yelled, "Fuck you, jerk!"

I walked over to the front of his car and said calmly, "Maybe you should slow down when you're driving through a parking lot."

Chickenfucker's reply? "Maybe you shouldn't be so fat!"

I immediately busted out laughing. Tears were streaming down my face as I tried to stammer out a response in a properly patronizing tone. "Are you retarded? Special? You're special, aren't you? Who's in charge of you? Do we need to call someone to take care of you?" I made it sound like I was talking to a baby, in a very soothing, condescending tone.

He gave me the finger. But not The Finger, like someone who does it casually. Chickenfucker actually had to think about it, and then balled his hand up in a fist and extended his middle finger as if he had never done it before. Then he started to get out of the car. This big Samoan dude who had been watching the whole thing from his car started walking to the store. As he passed between our cars, he said to Chickenfucker, in this deep, gravelly voice, "I wouldn't do that, man. I don't think that's a very good idea." He reconsidered and got back in his car. I started mine up and was about to reverse out of the space, when he whipped around the parking lot and drove behind me, essentially blocking me in.

Well, you know what bumpers are for, right? Bumping.

I pulled out of the parking space slowly until my bumper was about an inch from his. Then I revved the motor a bit. Chickenfucker stood still. So I backed up into the front bumper of his car. The look of horror in his eyes was priceless. Frantically, he began to back up down the aisle. I continued in reverse and followed him all the way until he couldn't go any further without driving into traffic backwards. Then I drove my rear bumper into his front bumper again, very gently, shifted the car into drive, and drove off.

Having fun at Chickenfucker's expense brought a smile to my face, but when I told my wife, she blamed me for the whole thing! She said, "Why do you always have to teach people lessons? What if that guy had a gun?"

"Sweetie, you know I'm a ninja. Ninjas can dodge bullets without even trying!"

This didn't soothe her at all. "You are not allowed to teach lessons like that anymore!"

"But, babe!" I pleaded. "This is way better than me being a real teacher. I'm like a super professor of life lessons, with a PhD of The Streets! Plus I'm a ninja. Kapow!"

"No. More. Lessons."

So I said, "Well, think of it this way, babe. If the guy did have a gun, I'd either get a really cool scar, or you'd inherit over a million dollars in life insurance, plus you could sue the guy and make even more money!"

"Carry on, Professor Avitable."

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Posted in General | 51 Comments »

Things that can get you into trouble

Monday, October 8th, 2007

Beware, encumbered men. While these sentences may seem innocent to you, when taken out of context (without the words in brackets), they can cause homicidal feelings in your loved one. But fear not – I am here to help. Avoid these phrases if you can help it:

"I ate her fish taco [that she cooked on her stove]."

"We went for a ride and her top was down [in her convertible]."

"We both played with his [Nintendo] Wii for a while until our wrists hurt."

"By the time we got started, she was already hot and wet [because it's 100 degrees and humid as fuck]."

"She sucked it down like a pro. [So the waitress brought her another beer]."

"It really hurt when he stuck it in, but I got used to it. [And then I made him listen to something that wasn't gangsta rap]."

"I only lasted for about three minutes before collapsing in a hot, sweaty mess. [No more DDR for me]."

So, next time you put your foot in your mouth, you can't say that Avitable didn't warn ya!

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Posted in Love and marriage | 23 Comments »

My Lessons

Monday, July 30th, 2007

Who would have thought that eating nothing all day, drinking about 10-12 sodas, and then eating a large pepperoni pizza right before bed would give me such horrible heartburn that I'd be hugging the toilet and dry heaving into it?

Shouldn't there be a warning on said pizza box that if you open it and steam comes pouring out, maybe you shouldn't take a piece and bite right into it, scalding the roof of your mouth and your tongue with pizza sauce that is the temperature of hell itself?

Why didn't anyone tell me that when my eye is bothering me I shouldn't mess with it while I walk through the kitchen, lest I trip and almost pierce my eyeball with my fingernail like a rotten grape?

It would also have been nice for someone to tell me not to mess with my eyes after using my fingers to pick jalapenos out of a salad because it's going to burn like hell.

And how could I be expected to know that when I accidentally dropped the entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet, trying to flush the whole thing down the drain was only going to result in a massive overflow?

Was there any reason to suspect that those Catholic school girls were going to have their cell phones ready and dial 911 to complain about the flasher so quickly?

If I had realized that those signs saying "Don't feed the alligators" weren't a joke, I might still have my left arm.

And I'll bet that you didn't know that when you take a cock ring off, you shouldn't take it off the shaft first and then let it snap onto your balls, because it will slowly constrict your testicles to death.

Why is it that I always have to learn these lessons?

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Posted in General | 35 Comments »

I'm here to teach

Tuesday, April 10th, 2007

For your edumacation, I, the brilliant and mighty Avitable, have decided to share some important lessons that might make your lives much easier.

  • If you decide to shave your testicles and crotch to look like a porn star, make sure that the electric razor is not dull, or else you will risk tearing out huge patches of hair by their roots. This will not feel good.
  • If you go out to lunch with a gay male friend and eat a burger with mayonnaise, make sure to wipe the corners of your mouth, especially if you have a beard, lest you return to the office looking like you just returned from a quickie blowjob in the bathroom.
  • If you think the girl who works behind the counter at the photo developing booth is beautiful, there are better ways to ask her out other than taking naked self-portraits and having them developed during her shift.
  • Never surprise your girlfriend with quickie anal sex immediately after eating Mexican food.
  • Your penis is never as long as when you measure it by jamming the ruler so far into your flesh that it hits your spine.
  • If you are a novice at performing oral sex on a woman, do not fake it by pretending that you're eating corn on the cob.
  • It's okay for a woman to call herself fat or a whore. It's not okay for you to do the same.
  • If you're so inclined to do a "naked drive" for fun and excitement, do not do it on the beach during high tide, lest you get stuck and have helpful samaritans who come over to help dig you out.
  • If you decide to masturbate in a public park, make sure that (a) it's a public park and not a temporary movie set, (b) that you're completely alone, and (c), that you aren't being filmed by 15 different cameras which can provide clear, high-definition proof during your trial.

And, now for your viewing pleasure, here is a video of a man having sex with a snake. Watch it and be amazed and horrified and entertained and disgusted.

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Posted in Dirty talk | 58 Comments »