Posts Tagged ‘life’

Pants

Friday, March 12th, 2010

I don't believe in pants.

They're generally uncomfortable and hot and restrict your movement and have no purpose other than a dress code. They're only slightly more useful than a tie.

From the years of 2001 until 2008, I didn't even own a pair of pants of any type. I lived in Southern California and then Florida, so all I needed were shorts. I finally broke down in 2009 and bought a pair of jeans, but that was about it.

For my grandmother's funeral yesterday, I went out and bought a pair of black slacks. This might be the first pair of black pants that I have ever owned. I bought these pants out of a sense of obligation. First of all, there may have been some discussion among family members about how my post was a bit disrespectful, so I wanted to show respect at the funeral. Secondly, I just knew that my mother would probably stab me in the face if I walked into the house in a pair of shorts. And I like my face. And finally, I realized that I really didn't hate wearing the tuxedo for Britt's birthday prom, so maybe owning a pair of pants would be a good idea.

And you know what? They were comfortable, I liked how I felt and looked, and none of the issues I had with pants in previous years seemed to really exist anymore. Pants really aren't so bad after all. In fact, I might even start to like them.

Welcome to my life, pants.

Photo by findmew

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Posted in General | 36 Comments »

Things I miss. Things I don't.

Sunday, February 28th, 2010

As many of you know, I've lost about 120 pounds since last February, thanks to the lap-band surgery I had in March (Brief status update – I've plateaued for a little while, due mainly to my high levels of stress, but I'll start making progress again soon). The lap band prevents me from eating more than four ounces of food at a time, although if you drink liquids while you eat or eat very slippery foods (aka those with ranch/mayo/etc), you can eat a little more. Tonight, I'm at home, watching "Man v. Food" and thinking "I could do that show." Well, I could have. It would be hard to eat the largest steak in Colorado or the largest burrito in Texas now! That got me thinking . . .

The things I miss:

  • Eating an appetizer, bread, a huge entree, and dessert.
  • Enjoying a big bite of a burger.
  • That feeling of satisfaction of cleaning a plate of food.
  • Getting to actually eat Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Never worrying about vomiting or having trouble swallowing

The things I don't miss:

  • Not being able to sit in a booth or in a chair with restrictive arms.
  • Acid reflux and heartburn.
  • Difficulty doing anything strenuous like walking more than 100 yards.
  • Always being hot.
  • Never feeling comfortable in public.
  • Worrying if a chair would hold me.
  • Hating every photo taken of me.
  • Only shopping at a Big and Tall store.
  • Being unable to buckle my seatbelt without effort.
  • Worrying about being dead by 40.

I guess it's not such a big deal after all if I can't do what he can do on Man v. Food.

And in other Avitanews:

  1. If you asked a question a few days ago, or if you're curious, go here to see the 50 or so questions that I was asked, along with answers.
  2. Today's the last day to vote for a Room of Your Own for BlogHer, so if you haven't already, please do so. Click here for my room and here for Faiqa's.

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Posted in Serious stuff | 35 Comments »

T-minus 7 days and counting

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

In one week, I turn 33.

This little blonde tasmanian devil I know turned 30 over the weekend, and it got me thinking about your thirties and what it means.

This is the decade for things to happen. Whether you wanted to fly a plane or see the world, you need to have already started taking those preliminary steps towards your life goal.

Here are some of my goals that I will have accomplished by the time I finish out my thirties:

1. Become a millionaire. I started my business when I was 27, and I have a 10-year plan. Give or take a year or two.
2. Travel to Europe. I've never been, and I'm finally in a position where I could see that being fruitful and exciting.
3. Write a book. I have a million ideas, jotted down in Word documents scattered through my computer. One of them is going to end up a book.
4. Learn to dance or sing. I want to be able to do one of these two things, or both. And since I can't hear rhythm and can't hold a tune, it's going to probably be one of my most difficult accomplishments.
5. Be happy. I know it seems like I already am, but I think this is one of those accomplishments that should be on the horizon at all times. Never be complacent. Never settle. Always strive for happiness, even if it's a difficult path. I think it's unlikely that anyone ever achieves true and complete happiness, but the closer you can get, the better.
6. Reach 225 pounds and keep my weight there. I still have a ways to go, but I know I can do it. I will do it.
7. Carpe diem. I don't want to be a grumpy spectator, criticizing the participants. I will be one of the participants joining in wholeheartedly. I will seize the day, and fight for what I want.

With that being said, I'm going to take about a week off of blogging. I haven't read anyone's blogs in almost a week, and I just have too much going on right now to worry about it. If you're a friend, you have my email address, and if anything monumental happens, I'll definitely pop up, but I need a little break.

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Posted in Serious stuff | 59 Comments »

Avitable Love Fest: 20 Things I Want You To Hear

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

Thanks to Britt, I have a post for today. Leave it to the self-proclaimed beacon of "light and goodness" to take a meme that's designed to bring out our passive-aggressive nature, wherein we can vent about people by saying mean, cynical and hateful things, and convert it into a huge old love-fest, passing on anonymous warm and fuzzies. It's so sweet that it almost gave me diabetes (well that, and my IV of liquid chocolate cake).

And yet I'm stealing it for myself. Even I like to be nice to people sometimes. To spread a little love and kindness, free of sarcasm and cynical overtones. Plus, I'm tired so it's hard to come up with something else to post. Without further ado:

Avitalove

1. Even with all of your faults, it was because of your example that I had the strength and courage to go through with the lap band surgery.

2. Reconnecting with you after all of these years has proven to be better than I can have imagined. Who knew we had so much in common and we could have been good friends all this time?

3. You're good at what you do, even if I think that you're otherwise a useless human being.

4. You deserve every ounce of the happiness towards which you've already made great strides.

5. You've been there unselfishly for me for more than two decades and I don't know if you're aware of how much I appreciate it.

6. Thank you for making me want to be a better person.

7. Your belief in my ability to succeed has always been unwavering. Thank you.

8. Sunshiny optimism usually annoys me, but you make it work.

9. You give me hope for the youth of America with your work ethic and obvious intelligence, even though you're politically retarded.

10. I'm so glad you ended your old life and started your new life with your new love.

11. You're too smart to be so blind and hateful.

12. My hours and hours of conversation with you and our friendship made me the person I am today, and I'm better as a result.

13. I love how you won't lie to me, even if it might be hurtful.

14. Your innocence and outlook on life is refreshing, even if I try to corrupt it.

15. Both your laughing and your crying are infectious and make everything more enjoyable.

16. I'm so happy that you've started to stand up for yourself. It's a great first step to your happiness.

17. I am so glad that we have become friends.

18. I wish I could do the things you can do.

19. I'm ecstatic that you're happy after those years of heartbreak. You deserve every second of it.

20. I still think of our first date, 27 years ago.

Need a post idea? This is harder than it seems. Give it a shot, and stay tuned tomorrow when I return with my typical vitriolic perspective on life and the sheeple of the world.

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Posted in Memes and more | 87 Comments »

Two Truths and a Lie

Thursday, May 14th, 2009

I know it's been around forever, but I saw this yesterday on someone's blog and thought it might be fun to do. Out of the following three statements, which one is a lie? It will be trickier than you think!

1. I failed one class each during high school, college, and law school.

2. I've never watched an episode of Survivor, but I watched all of the seasons of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

3. When I went to summer camp as a kid, I didn't go to the bathroom except to pee for the entire two weeks I was there.

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Posted in General | 41 Comments »

Dear 13 year old Avitable

Friday, August 8th, 2008

Avitable in MAD

Saw this over at Shamelessly Sassy's. The concept is a letter to yourself at age 18. I'm tweaking it a bit and moving it back to 13, because by 18 I already knew everything (ha!). And since there's so much to tell my teenage self, I'm going to have to go with a bulleted list. Here goes:

Dear Little Avitable,

I remember having lots of questions and nobody to ask and lots of uncertainty and no way to know how to proceed. Keep this letter with you over the next few years, and most of your questions and concerns should be answered:

1. That trick you're trying to do? By dangling half off the bed and trying to bend your spine enough to put your own penis in your mouth? It's not going to work, and you're going to fall on your head and think you broke your neck.

2. Don't go back a second time and look in that girl's bathroom window. This time, the floodlights are going to come on and the cops are going to come.

3. When you kiss Nina for the first time, don't let it be the last time. She would have totally slept with you.

4. There will be a time when you're babysitting for some friends of your parents and the kids will be asleep and you'll be jerking off to the Playboy you found on the coffee table. When you accidentally sneeze and ejaculate all over your shirt and pants, DON'T take off all of your clothes and put them in the laundry. This will be the one time that your parents decide to come by and check on you, and you and your Dad will not be able to look each other in the eye for quite some time. Just let the come dry – it will dry semi-clear.

5. You will get made fun of for singing Sinead O'Connor to yourself. And Cyndi Lauper.

6. In college, when you get that dorm room that looks right into the sophomore girls' shower, remember that your window is not a one-way mirror.

7. That whole thing you'll do in high school where you roll up your sleeves on your shirt and then staple them directly into your arm? Fucking retarded. Please don't.

8. Masturbating while driving a stick shift is not only stupid, but it will be really, really messy and make your whole car smell funky for a month.

9. The online porn site you'll start freshman year of college will make you $2,000 in a week's time. Even though it will shut down the school's server and they'll threaten to kick you out, keep with it! Drop out of college if you have to. Just go register sex.com, and keep it up. We'll make billions.

10. When you're babysitting over at the doctor's house and using his big satellite to watch hardcore porn, understand that if you change the satellite as soon as you see their headlights in the window, they can see the satellite dish changing location in the side yard. And they'll know!

Hopefully this advice can help you avoid some of the horror, embarrassment and missed opportunities that I had. It gets a lot better, and the chocolate covered burrito is still just as tasty now as it was back then!

-Old Avitable

P.S. Mom took up smoking again but she's going to hide it for 20 years – see if you can bust her in the act!

What would you write to your teenage self?

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Posted in Dirty talk | 52 Comments »