I am a loser. Real life and work and computer problems prevented me from my goal of writing 50,000 words in a month. I'm still committed to writing it, though, but I realize that I have no choice but to do it at a pace consistent with someone who's busy 80-90 hours of the week.

So we know that I'm a loser, but I'm not alone. Let's talk about some of the other losers out there, thereby making me feel better about my loserness!

• If you're a young, single man who is not hideous looking, hiring a masseuse to come to your house, massage you and give you a happy ending is only one step away from hiring a hooker. Guess what? You're a loser!
• If you are a disabled shut-in who disagrees with someone and the way that you show your disagreement is by petty, personal attacks, instead of actually using logic or reason, and if you have no ability to form a cohesive discussion of your beliefs without resorting to acting like a second grader, you're a loser!
• If you get excited by watching a team of felons and felons-to-be carry a ball around a field or court, and you support that team because of some random geographic boundaries, you're a loser!
• If you're a white trash reject who doesn't believe in marriage but believes in putting another mouth on welfare while you sit around with your Nazi friends and smoke pot, you're a loser!
• If you have ever watched American Idol, America's Next Top Model, Dancing with the Stars, or Survivor, you're a loser!
• If you make sweeping generalizations about anyone, ever, you're a loser!
• If you're a Southern-bred silver spoon-fed spoiled child who just followed in your dad's footsteps to be one of the worst world leaders in history, you're a loser!
• If you're a large bald man who got sick by letting his nephew stick his dirty, disgusting hands in your mouth, you're a loser!
• If you watch and laugh at "According to Jim", you're a loser!
• If you're a freaky pseudo-incestual bisexual who stole your husband from a wholesome person, and then forced him to adopt tons of children from different countries, you're a loser!
• If you don't have a doctorate, you're a loser!
• If you think just because you have a juris doctorate, you're a doctor, you're a loser!
• If you don't comment on this post, you're a loser!

See? There's a little bit of loser in all of us. I feel much better now.