Posts Tagged ‘memes’

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Avitable and the Proust Questionnaire

Friday, November 6th, 2009

Thanks to the lovely Finn for this series of questions, taken from the Proust Questionnaire from Vanity Fair magazine. She picked and chose her favorites, and I'll just trust her choices:

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Like yin and yang, there would be no perfect happiness without perfect unhappiness. I think I'd rather just have normal happiness instead.

What is your greatest fear?
Being forgotten.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My selfishness.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Insincerity.

On what occasion do you lie?
I lie for the development of my persona. I lie when I'm trapped. I lie when I'm scared not to.

What is your greatest extravagance?
My life is kind of an extravagance in and of itself.

What is your current state of mind?
Constantly working, never resting, always thinking of one thing while doing another.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Vulnerability

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Wicked sense of humor. (same answer as Finn)

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I tend to justify my actions by saying "I'm just saying" a lot.

When and where were you happiest?
When I was inside a bubble for an hour.

Who are your favorite writers?
Stephen King, Lee Child, John Sandford, Dean Koontz, classic Anne Rice, Robert B. Parker, Dennis LeHane

Which talent would you most like to have?
I wish I was musically inclined.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
That they weren't Republicans.

If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A body pillow.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My weight.

Where would you like to live?
Los Angeles.

What is your most treasured possession?
I don't have one. Updated: upon further reflection, maybe my hard drive because it has most of my memories.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Loneliness.

What do you most value in your friends?
Acceptance. (same answer as Finn)

What are your favorite names?
I don't have any.

What is it that you most dislike?
Stupidity borne out of ignorance.

What is your greatest regret?
Making a decision out of fear.

How would you like to die?
Protecting someone.

What is your motto?
Avitable: Tact is for pussies
Adam: What, me worry?

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

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Posted in Memes and more | 53 Comments »

Contest: Lazy Sunday is BACK!

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009

Many of you may not remember my contests that I ran every Sunday for an entire year. Each contest challenged your intellect, your knowledge of entertainment trivia and your luck. It was fun doing it, but it was a lot of work, and I spent over $1000 on prizes that I gave away.

This is the one year anniversary of the final contest, so I thought I'd bring it back for one week only. The rules are simple. I will go through Facebook or the web and pick one of those survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie or a television show. In the comments, guess as many references as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera.

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

This week the winner will receive a 1 GB iPod Shuffle!

MB813

Good luck!

1. My roommate and I once:
Made an adult film.

2. Never before in my life have I:
Found someone else who shared my true nature, even if she was an evil pig.

3. High school was:
My last chance to tell Amanda how I feel.

4. When I’m nervous:
I make things on Mars.

5. My hair:
Looks perfect even when I ride my scooter, thanks to my new hair-met.

6. When I was 5:
I shot my father in the head by accident.

7. When I turn my head left:
I wish I could. I cannot turn left in any way!

8. I should be:
Wearing a hat signed by Tom Landry. It's designed for a guy like me. I'm a guy like me.

9. By this time next year:
I will be just like Christiane Amanpour.

10. My favorite aunt is:
Uncle Frank's wife, aunt Jack.

11. I have a hard time understanding:
Why people cry.

12. My ideal breakfast is:
Pancakes made with a snow shovel.

13. If you visit my home town:
Bring cacao beans – they'll treat you like royalty.

14. The animal I would like to see flying besides birds:
An elephant, gliding along on its ears.

15. Last night I:
Got trapped in a building with people who had rabies.

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Posted in Lazy Sunday Contest | 42 Comments »

Avitable Love Fest: 20 Things I Want You To Hear

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

Thanks to Britt, I have a post for today. Leave it to the self-proclaimed beacon of "light and goodness" to take a meme that's designed to bring out our passive-aggressive nature, wherein we can vent about people by saying mean, cynical and hateful things, and convert it into a huge old love-fest, passing on anonymous warm and fuzzies. It's so sweet that it almost gave me diabetes (well that, and my IV of liquid chocolate cake).

And yet I'm stealing it for myself. Even I like to be nice to people sometimes. To spread a little love and kindness, free of sarcasm and cynical overtones. Plus, I'm tired so it's hard to come up with something else to post. Without further ado:

Avitalove

1. Even with all of your faults, it was because of your example that I had the strength and courage to go through with the lap band surgery.

2. Reconnecting with you after all of these years has proven to be better than I can have imagined. Who knew we had so much in common and we could have been good friends all this time?

3. You're good at what you do, even if I think that you're otherwise a useless human being.

4. You deserve every ounce of the happiness towards which you've already made great strides.

5. You've been there unselfishly for me for more than two decades and I don't know if you're aware of how much I appreciate it.

6. Thank you for making me want to be a better person.

7. Your belief in my ability to succeed has always been unwavering. Thank you.

8. Sunshiny optimism usually annoys me, but you make it work.

9. You give me hope for the youth of America with your work ethic and obvious intelligence, even though you're politically retarded.

10. I'm so glad you ended your old life and started your new life with your new love.

11. You're too smart to be so blind and hateful.

12. My hours and hours of conversation with you and our friendship made me the person I am today, and I'm better as a result.

13. I love how you won't lie to me, even if it might be hurtful.

14. Your innocence and outlook on life is refreshing, even if I try to corrupt it.

15. Both your laughing and your crying are infectious and make everything more enjoyable.

16. I'm so happy that you've started to stand up for yourself. It's a great first step to your happiness.

17. I am so glad that we have become friends.

18. I wish I could do the things you can do.

19. I'm ecstatic that you're happy after those years of heartbreak. You deserve every second of it.

20. I still think of our first date, 27 years ago.

Need a post idea? This is harder than it seems. Give it a shot, and stay tuned tomorrow when I return with my typical vitriolic perspective on life and the sheeple of the world.

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Posted in Memes and more | 87 Comments »

This is just me being lazy.

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

Since I'm writing this as I'm besieged on all sides by two children who have decided that we're playing good vs. evil and they're evil, I just thought I'd throw up a quick little survey that I stole from here. Oh, and don't forget to set your clocks ahead if you haven't already!

1. What is your occupation right now?
CEO

2. What color are your socks right now?
White. Well, the bottoms are probably black because I wear them outside.

3. What are you listening to right now?
The beautiful music of little children stabbing me in the face.

4. Last person you spoke to on the phone.
Britt. She pretended not to recognize my name.

5. How old are you today?
32. I feel 65.

6. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
I'm not one of those morons who lives vicariously through the actions of idiot athletes.

7. What is your favorite drink?
Diet Coke.

8. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yes. Red. I looked like a large tampon.

9. Favorite food?
Filet Mignon.

10. What is the last movie you watched?
Watchmen

11. Favorite day of the year?
I don't have one.

12. How do you vent anger?
I listen to techno.

13. What was your favorite toy as a child?
My Optimus Prime Transformer.

14. Living arrangements?
We own our house.

15. What was the last thing that you cried about?
The devastating nut punch I just received from Devin.

16. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
I have a few friends that I've known since I was 4 or 5.

17. What did you do last night?
Wrote my will before coming here to babysit.

18. What are you most afraid of?
Right now? Evil children.

19. In how many areas of your country have you lived?
Five.

20. What is your favorite flower?
The kind that you use to make cookies.

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Posted in Memes and more | 17 Comments »

If you've ever forwarded anything, read this post

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

Note: I originally published this for Saturday, but took it down. Today seems like a good day to stick it back up!

Hey, you. The guy who finds something funny that the rest of us saw in 1998 and then forwards it to everyone with insightful commentary like "OMG This is so funny!!!11". Yeah, you.

This is a list of the 99 things that you should have already seen or experienced if you've been on the Internet for more than five minutes.

From Chocolate Rain to the Grape-Stomping Lady, Post Secret to Peanut Butter Jelly Time, this list has almost everything that you should have seen online to make sure that you are a savvy Interneteer.

I am going to link to the guy's site (http://www.youshouldhaveseenthis.com/), but I thought I'd also pull a major breach of netiquette and post his list here. Here is "Greg Rutter's Definitive List of The 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced On The Internet Unless You're a Loser or Old or Something":

01) Grape Stomp
02) Charlie Bit Me
03) Chocolate Rain
04) Dancing Baby

05) Post Secret
06) Charlie The Unicorn
07) Mentos and Diet Coke
08) Numa Numa
09) Peanut Butter Jelly Time
10) George Lucas In Love

11) You're The Man Now Dog
12) Yatta
13) Star Wars Kid
14) Bubb Rubb
15) The Flying Spaghetti Monster
16) Dramatic Chipmunk

17) Homestar Runner
18) GI Joe Pork Chop Sandwiches
19) Fail Blog
20) Skateboarding Dog
21) All Your Base Are Belong To Us
22) Winnebago Man

23) We Like The Moon
24) I Can Has Cheezburger
25) Barney Vs. Tupac
26) Shining
27) Cute Overload
28) Rick Roll

29) Lazy Sunday
30) David After The Dentist
31) Powerthirst
32) Christian The Lion
33) Bert and Ernie Rap
34) Lady Punch

35) Leprechaun in Alabama
36) Where The Hell Is Matt
37) Boom Goes The Dynamite
38) Breakdancing Baby
39) Drunk Jeff Goldblum
40) Scarlet Takes A Tumble

41) Sepultura – Refuse resist (cover) By Gauchos
42) Gay Mount Everest
43) Afro Ninja
44) Cop Shoots Himself In Leg In Classroom
45) Tron Guy
46) "Leave Britney Alone"

47) Laughing Baby
48) I'm the Juggernaut Bitch
49) The Chairperson Falls
50) Take On Me The Literal Version
51) Bill O'Reilly Flips Out
52) Don't Tase Me Bro

53) The Landlord
54) Breakdancing Baby Kick
55) The Pet Penguin
56) Ms. South Carolina Answers A Question
57) I'm F*#king Matt Damon
58) Will It Blend

59) Spaghetti Cat
60) Tom Cruise Kills Oprah
61) Little Superstar
62) Chad Vader
63) Pretty Much Everywhere It's Going To Be Hot
64) I Like Turtles

65) Who Needs A Movie
66) Jake E. Lee Shreds
67) Hawaii Chair
68) Aussie Party
69) Hitler Plans Burning Man
70) Flirting with Magic

71) Look At The Horse
72) Asian Backstreet Boys
73) Leroy Jenkins
74) Pinky The Cat
75) Monkey Sniffs Finger
76) Sneezing Panda

77) Prison Inmates remake "Thriller"
78) Techno Viking
79) Ask A Ninja
80) Best Man Trips and Ruins Wedding
81) Best Wedding Toast Ever (Amy's Song)
82) Kitten Surprise (how to break up a cat fight)

83) Katana Sword Infomercial Goes Wrong
84) Matrix Ping Pong
85) La Pequeña Prohibida
86) Angry German Kid (translated)
87) Evolution of Dance
88) Ok Go – "Here It Goes Again"

89) Battle at Kruger (lions vs. buffalos vs. crocodiles)
90) Daft Hands
91) Human Beatbox
92) Most T-Shirts Worn At Once
93) Zero G Dog
94) Cuppy Cakes Song

95) George Washington
96) Scary Maze Prank
97) Gay Referee
98) Tranquilized Bear Hits Trampoline
99) Reporter Gets A Fly In The Mouth

Bonus NSFW Links
01) Meat Spin
02) Two Girls One Cup
03) Goatse (mirror)
04) Lemon Party

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Posted in Memes and more | 43 Comments »

Ten Honest Things About Me

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

Dave did a post where he was rehashing a meme called "Ten Honest Things About Me". I've already listed more than 100 things about me that are honest and interesting and weird, but I thought I'd see if I can come up with ten more:

1. When I was in high school, I listened to Rush Limbaugh. After I went to college and started thinking for myself, I realized that he was just as big a buffoon as Howard Stern is.

2. I didn't swear in front of my parents until I was in my mid-twenties. While my parents swear without a problem, I've only heard my dad say "fuck" once when he was really pissed at me and my mother say it once when it was integral to a joke she wanted me to hear.

3. I think some semblance of class structure is good for the world.

4. If I had to pick one hobby or past time that I had to choose and could do only that one activity forever, I would pick reading over anything else.

5. I write complaint letters to companies who have done a bad job for me, and I expect my opinion to matter.

6. I used to be a very angry person and in college I went through a phase where I felt complete apathy for everyone and everything. When I came out of that phase, I no longer got mad at people. Even now, I almost never lose my temper. (It's how I'm still friends with Britt!)

7. When I need to think about something, I'll usually pull up some type of strategy or puzzle game online and do that for hours.

8. The only person whose death I truly mourned was William M. Gaines, who died when I was 15.

9. I've only been in one physical fight in my life, and I lost. It was two on one when I was in the eighth grade and they were older and I never had a chance. As I grew older and larger and meaner and scarier, things changed. There were opportunities when a fight might happen, but the person backed down instead. I much prefer the latter memories.

10. I'm not really frightened of anything. I have a few phobias, but anything that I have the conscious ability to control doesn't scare me.

***
In other Avitanews, thanks to those of you who joined us last night for a lively talk about employer/employee relations and who's an awesome boss vs. who's an awesome employee. If you missed it, you can download the episode and listen to it or subscribe to the podcast on iTunes!

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Posted in Memes and more | 28 Comments »

Lazy Sunday 50

Sunday, August 10th, 2008

Welcome to the 50th and final edition of Lazy Sunday!

I've been enjoying doing these contests but the time and effort involved writing them every Saturday started to seem reversely proportional to the number of people who entered. It also started getting more difficult to come up with clever answers that weren't rehashing old answers, so I think it's best to go out on a high note.

This week's prize is an Avitable prize pack containing the following:

  • A "Viva El Avitable" T-shirt in whatever size and color you want.
  • A six-pack of Avitable condoms.
  • An autographed drawing by me, of anything you want.
  • An iPod shuffle.
  • A $25 Amazon.com or iTunes gift certificate.
  • A guest post on your blog by me.
  • A one-night hotel stay in Altamonte Springs for the night of the Halloween party on November 1st. If you cannot come to the party, you can get an additional $25 Amazon.com or iTunes gift certificate instead.

For this week's contest, there are no answers – only questions! What television series, movie, or song is referenced by each question? They're not all the same movie or TV show this time!

For each one that you correctly guess, you'll get one raffle ticket, and, just like normal, I'll put all the raffle tickets into one virtual hat and draw a name for the winner. The winner to my last contest will be announced next Sunday!

1. Have you ever pretended to be your girlfriend or boyfriend's dad?

2. Would you ever cut one of your friends on purpose?

3. Where's the worst place you've ever gone without a weapon or Backup?

4. Are you afraid of tollbooths?

5. Have you ever worn OR scrubs?

6. What do you do with a smell that won't come out?

7. Don't you hate when nobody will acknowledge you or talk to you?

8. Can you fly a plane? Does anyone know?

9. Do you fight with your wife or husband and in-laws non-stop during Christmas?

10. Have you ever burned something valuable that wasn't yours?

11. Has anybody ever shot you with a BB pistol?

12. Can you go to the bathroom if someone is listening?

13. Have you ever bought the very last hot dog from a hot dog stand?

14. Would you kiss a toaster?

15. Do you like gladiator movies?

Congratulations to the following people who correctly guessed the answer to last week's contest:
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Posted in Memes and more | 31 Comments »

Lazy Sunday XLIX

Sunday, August 3rd, 2008

Welcome to the penultimate 49th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

I don't know if I'm just making these too hard or if everybody's just really hungover on Sundays recently, but the results were pretty miserable – skip to the end of the post to see the correct answers and last week's winner.

Anyways, this is the second to last Lazy Sunday contest! That's right – after giving away over $1000 in prizes (that I paid for myself – I received no sponsorship or freebies for these contests), I'm going to host two more contests, and that's it!

But these last two are going to be a doozy, and the rules are gonna change.

For this week's contest, all 15 references are for the same television series, musical artist, or movie. That's right – all you have to do is figure out one answer!

Since once someone correctly guesses, everybody would be able to easily figure it out, comments are closed. Instead of commenting with your answer, I want you to email me at my first name at my last name dot com. Put the subject line "Lazy Sunday 49" and write your answer in your email.

Each person who emails me by midnight on Tuesday will get a raffle ticket, and I'll pick one at random to give this week's prize, which is:

An 8GB iPod touch!

So let's see how you do, and tune in next Sunday to find out the winners and see what next week's unbelievable contest will bring!

1. Do you sleep in your bra?
Usually I sleep under my Avitable sheets.

2. Do you enjoy drama?
Only if I can rent it from the vendor between the scanner and the coffee machine.

3. Are you a girly girl?
No, I'm tough, especially if someone shoots me.

4. Do you dress up on Halloween?
I dress up as a woman in a dress, but I keep my cigar and don't shave.

5. What are you doing right now?
Protecting the chastity of a youngish girl.

6. Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Not if they don't want their crotches to hurt like a motherfucker.

7. Are you currently frustrated with a guy?
I keep thinking he's just going to fall asleep on me.

8. Do you have a best friend that's a guy?
Sort of.

9. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
I had my nose done as a teen.

10. Do you like your life?
I did until I had the special.

11. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Yes, and apparently my good feelings are more than that.

12. Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
I just want to see if my ass is still as big.

13. Recently done anything you regret?
Does self-consumption count?

14. Whats the closest thing to you that's liquid?
Self-referential yogurt.

15. Are you easily confused?
Yeah. And I take orders from the President way too literally.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
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Posted in Memes and more, Serious stuff | No Comments »

Lazy Sunday XLVIII

Sunday, July 27th, 2008

Welcome to the 48th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Boy, you guys really sucked last week. Really. The most that anyone got right was 6, and there were five questions that nobody got right at all. I'm so ashamed of all of you.

This week's prize is a $25 gift certificate from Amazon.com!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Do you have a best friend who knows you inside and out?
I am my own best friend. I like pizza.

2. Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
No, but I almost hooked up with my mom.

3. What color are the walls in your room?
Well, my wall is more like a pattern. Just like my shirt!

4. When is the last time you cried?
When you buried me in the front yard.

5. Are you falling for anyone?
Well, I fantasize about my therapist.

6. Where will you be in an hour?
Going for a haircut, then I'll probably drop in for a pie.

7. What's your biggest flaw?
I have a drinking problem. It's all Elaine's fault.

8. What do you feel right now?
Other than the earth moving under my feet?

9. Have you ever dated anyone longer than a year?
I haven't dated anyone since my assistant died in 1996. All the rest of my assistants have spurned me or been lesbians.

10. Do you want kids?
As long as they don't become pen pals with a serial killer.

11. Do you do things you later regret?
I regret wasting every single summer on that damn radio contest.

12. What made you happy today?
Selling museum tickets and my tasty fucking fried chicken.

13. Who was the last friend at your house?
Martha and Rose stopped by.

14. What were you doing an hour ago?
Fucking the judge's niece in his house.

15. Have you ever been in trouble with the police?
I thought I was, but I was just learning a lesson about teaching lessons.

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
(more…)

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Posted in Memes and more | 20 Comments »

Lazy Sunday XLVII

Sunday, July 20th, 2008

Welcome to the 47th Edition of Lazy Sunday!

Last week was the SciFi Edition, and a few answers might cause some debate. First, the answer to #3 was the original Alien, but most people said Aliens, which was the sequel. Am I remembering that wrong, or wasn't the first Alien the one where she was hanging out with the Marines and Paul Reiser in her panties? Another debatable one was #4 – being very, very allergic to water. The answer was not Alien Nation. I would have said "salt water". The answer is Signs. Another hard one was #9. The answer is Return of the Jedi, because that's when they find out they're brother and sister. Finally, #12, the Galaxy of Terror one, was about Futurama, which had an episode that mentioned the Galaxy of Terror (when Fry accidentally drank the Emperor). Nobody guessed that one! Oh, and congratulations to Metalmom, who was the only one to correctly guess that #14 was Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. You can find the rest of last week's answers, scores and contest winner in an extended entry, but now it's time for today's Lazy Sunday contest!

This week's prize is a 6-pack sampler of gourmet popcorn from Dale & Thomas Popcorn!

Everyone has a chance at winning, so don't be shy! The questions may be hard, but everyone who's between the ages of 16 and 80 should be able to get at least one correct – I promise.

The rules:

It's very simple. I go through my Myspace friends and pick one of their survey bulletins and answer 15 of the questions. Every answer contains a reference to a movie, a television show, or a song. Just guess as many as you can – some will be laughably easy and some will be very difficult. Every correct answer is like a raffle ticket – you get one chance to win per correct answer. If you get 1 right, your name goes in the proverbial hat. If you get 10 right, your name goes in ten times. Et cetera. You're on the honor system – try not to Google or look at other people's answers!

The contest ends Tuesday at midnight EST. I'll give the correct answers and the winner on the following Sunday.

Ready? Here we go!

1. Have you ever really cried your heart out?
Once, when a girl threw water on me after I got out of the pool.

2. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
No, but I've puked to a musical crescendo.

3. Do you cry when you get an injury?
Only when my finger got cut off in the door.

4. What can always make you happy?
The girls over at Dante's.

5. Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
Well, she did catch fire, but I'm used to it.

6. Anyone besides your friends/family ever said they loved you?
Only when I make everything groovy.

7. Are you in a relationship?
No – the moth guy and I are just partners.

8. Who do you actually hate?
Nazis. And rats.

9. Are you a mean bully?
Nope. Once I hurl the kid into the air, he usually leaves everyone alone.

10. Do you wish you could be someone else?
A prince who is moving to Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma.

11. What is your current hair color?
Half blond, half blackened.

12. Have you ever been on the phone until the sun came up?
No. The last time I saw the sun come up, almost 220 years ago, there were no phones.

13. Who was the last person you talked to in person?
Two boys on bikes. One gave me a shirt.

14. Who was the last person who made you laugh?
Johnny, doing one of his usual characters.

15. Do you get along with your parents?
I did, until my mom died and my dad didn't tell me!

And here are the answers and winners from last week's contest :
(more…)

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Posted in Memes and more | 26 Comments »

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