Tag Archives: metrosexual

To beard or not to beard: My Beard Adventures experience

“You should let your beard grow out,” she cupped my chin with one of her hands. For almost ten years, I’d kept my beard maintained with weekly trips to my neighborhood barber shop. In my head, there were two options: a close trim or looking homeless. It never occurred to me that there was another way.

I turned my head on my pillow to face her. “You think so? Don’t you think it would look disheveled and awful?”

She dragged her naked leg slowly up my body and pulled me closer to her. Along her journey, she discovered, not-so-subtly, that I might be ready for round two. “I think it would look sexy,” she whispered in my ear, and the might bes turned into definitelys.

So, I grew my beard out. Didn’t take long. Now it’s been over a year.

The full beard of comedian Adam Heath Avitable

It’s a fine line, however, between looking like a boy who doesn’t know how to use a razor and a man who’s breaking in the wild horse on his face. My barber visits each week became focused on shaping and edging instead of trimming. Keep the neck clean, keep the head clean, tame the sides, let nature do what she will with the front. The wiry hairs were coarse, and I worried about the pain it might inflict on the women who would deem me worthy of their time. I worried about chafing their cheeks, scraping their thighs, breaking their hearts.

That’s when I learned about the world of beard care. Beard oils and treatments. Products designed purely for softening and taming. Smelling nice and feeling good. Things every man can get behind.

Preferring to support local business as much as I can, I reached out to a company based out of Orlando called Beard Adventures. They provided me with a set of three beard oils to try for free: Lumberjack, Outback, and Black Pepper. I chose those three out of a bevy of beard care scents including spiced rum, bourbon, whiskey smash, mojito, black coffee, and more. I went home, and each day, after a hot shower, I’d choose one and rub the oil thoroughly throughout this monstrosity that has taken over my face, taming it down.

Set of beard oils from beard care company Beard Adventure

I’d travel to my daily haunts – my local restaurants, my local strip clubs, my local comedy club – supporting my local vendors, servers, and single mothers. I’d approach my friends. And strangers, because I felt emboldened.

“Smell my beard,” I’d say. Some were equally bold, planting their nose firmly in and inhaling deeply. Others required convincing. “It’s not a trick, I just want your opinion.” Some still weren’t convinced. “I’ll give you a dollar.” The last resort always worked.

And the responses were unanimous:

“Wow, that smells sexy.”
“I like that!”
“Where did you get that from?”
“Can I smell you again?”
“Amazing!”
“Now do you want a lap dance?”

Beard care can turn you from a sweaty neckbearded child into a sultry badass with a dark past. From an unhygienic nerdblaster to the savvy king of the geeks. From Hagrid to Gandalf. And I wholeheartedly recommend Beard Adventures for all of your beard care needs. And in fact, if you or a loved one has a beard that needs some tender loving care, how about an opportunity to win a free set of three beard oils with beard comb?

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclaimer: I was not paid for this review, and I received the products for free from Beard Adventures. I also got three lap dances, but they were free, mostly because my beard smelled so fucking awesome.

I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Metrosexual

I am the very model of a modern metrosexual
I use lotion on my body that smells quite delectable
My feet are pampered monthly by an old lady who is Asian
And when it’s time to get a wax I don’t need too much persuasion

Looking at me you’d think that on my hands you’d find calluses
Instead the hardest work I do is drawing cartoon phalluses
I appreciate the female form for all its grace and beauty
I also get sympathy pains monthly when you are moody

If I get bored I don’t drink beer or visit strip establishments
I’d rather sunbathe by my pool while wearing zero underpants
I don’t know who is playing who in a tournament of basketball
But I’m up to speed on which actresses were called in for a casting call

I listen carefully when you talk and remember everything you say
And in case attention has not been paid, metro does not equal gay
I am meticulous and clean and like to have my bed get made
But that doesn’t mean I’d rather be your friend and not get laid

You see in matters that may be vaginally contextual
I must explain that I am straight and not a homosexual
And the fact that my grooming makes me so damn delectable
Just means I am the model of a modern metrosexual

(with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)

The Grooming of Avitable

For the past four years (as of today), I have been going to the barber every single week.  That’s 208 trips, almost always at 10 AM on Tuesday, where I get a shave and a trim every week, a haircut every other week, and a wax every three weeks.

The very first time I went to the barber, I hadn’t shaved or gotten my haircut in well over four months.  It either looked like I was homeless or that I ate Ted Kaczynski.  I had heard about this place for a few months, and the idea of a place where, for around $75/month, I could get unlimited shaves and haircuts, was pretty appealing.

That first trip, I spent four hours in a barber chair.  I walked in a homeless grizzly bear and walked out a clean-shaven grizzly bear.  And I’ve been going back ever since.