Posts Tagged ‘morbid’

Me and the good Doctor King

Monday, January 18th, 2010

In honor of MLK Day, I'm rerunning last year's interview with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.:

"I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Me: Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.

MLK: It's my pleasure to have another chance to share my message of peace with the world.

Me: Can I call you Marty?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: Marty – you know, your name? I mean, I have a Doctorate, too, so unless you want to call me Dr. Avitable and make me call you Dr. King, I think we can dispense with the formalities.

MLK: Ummm….

Me: Of course, Marty makes me think of Back to the Future and Marty McFly – can you imagine having your mom hit on you and making your family disappear?

MLK: What?

Me: They don't have movies in heaven? I'd think you'd have plenty of free time to catch all of the movies that come out now. Unless you're actually in hell?

MLK: No, no. I just don't trifle myself with cinema. We sit around and have hours of discourse on life and society and culture and other-

Me: And you strum your harps, blah blah blah.

MLK: You're quite impudent.

Me: I'm just bored with your snootiness. You're quite full of yourself for a-

MLK: For a black man? Did you just call me an uppity black man?

Me: I was going to say ghost. Jeez, jump to conclusions much?

MLK: I apologize. I know that you live in a time of racial harmony.

Me: Well, rap music is probably the only racial harmony around.

MLK: But a black man will be entering his given place in a large, secure government facility this year!

Me: Yeah, OJ got convicted, finally.

MLK: No, I'm saying that a black American is finally getting the recognition of the world and the total adoration and respect of most of its peoples.

Me: Oh yeah! Will Smith is one of my all-time favorite actors, too. Did you see Hancock?

MLK: I'm talking about the wonder of a world where an African American can appear on television and have millions of viewers tune in to hang on each and every word.

Me: Ohhh, you're talking about Oprah! She gives away cars to her audience, so I think she bribes the viewers for all of that adoration.

MLK: Boy, are you addled in the head? Did you get kicked by a mule as a child?

Me: No, why?

MLK: You seem to be easily distracted and too focused on the tawdry world of entertainment and cinema instead of the real world. A young man such as yourself should be focusing on church, service to his community, church, raising a family, and spreading peace throughout the world.

Me: Wow. Preachy much?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: I'm just saying – now you're being a bit uppity.

Me: Hello?

Me: Marty?

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 18 Comments »

My interview with Brittany Murphy

Monday, December 21st, 2009

The actress Brittany Murphy, known for "Clueless" and as the voice of Luanne on "King of the Hill", died Sunday at the age of 32. Shortly after her passing, I was invited to interview her:

Me: I'm sorry that I'm interviewing you, Brittany. You were quite young.

BM: I know. I can't believe this happened. My life had so much promise!

Me: Well, I wouldn't go that far. I mean, you kind of peaked when you co-starred with Eminem in "8 Mile", don't you think?

BM: Maybe yer right. Can I ask ya what the papers are saying about my death?

Me: Well, they're calling it a cardiac arrest, which we know is just code for coca–

BM: Don't you fucking say it – I will walk out of this interview right now. I had an infernal heart conditioner.

Me: A what?

BM: A genital heart effect.

Me: Do you mean a congenital heart defect?

BM: Yah, exactly! And, yanno, trying to umpire that my death was caused by nerf fairies elements would be, yanno, slander.

Me: Well, let's stay away from any nefarious implications, then, and focus on your career.

BM: Thank yew.

Me: In Clueless, you transformed from a schlubby brunette into a hip high school student who could have any boy she wanted. It seems like your career reflects that role somewhat.

BM: Huh? In what way?

Me: Well, as an actress, you started out at a more normal weight, with brown hair and average features, and somehow over the last 14 years, you've become an almost anorexic blonde with a different nose!

BM: It's, yanno, my style of acting. I am all like method and committed myself completely to an advanced cardiomasculine routine.

Me: I see. So there was no plastic sur–

BM: I swear to fucking God that if you continue to disparagus me, this interview is over.

Me: I'm sorry – I'm trying to be respectful, but it's hard when talking about your career.

BM: It's okay. I forgive yew.

Me: Let's move on to your love life. Why on earth would you date Ashton Ku—

BM: That's it! I'm outta here. Fuck you and yer stupid interromagation!

Me: Wait, one last thing.

BM: What?!?

Me: Cocaine. Plastic Surgery. Ashton Kutcher.

BM: GAHHHHH!

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 32 Comments »

My interview with Oral Roberts

Thursday, December 17th, 2009

On Tuesday, Oral Roberts died at the age of 91. Today, I was granted an exclusive interview with him:

Me: So, Mr. Roberts, you're finally on your way to meet your maker. Are you excited?

OR: Why yes, young man, I am. I cannot wait to gaze on the holy face of the Lord my God.

Me: Are you pretty sure that you're going to go to heaven?

OR: That's not for me to decide. All I can say is that I have tried to live my life in a Christian way and have repented for my sins.

Me: You had quite a following while you were alive – did that ever give you a big ego?

OR: I have to admit that I occasionally felt prideful over my flock, but I was able to remain humble as well.

Me: Did you ever hear of those groups that gathered around the country to support you? They weren't cults per se, but they were little pockets of Christians who thought you were closer to God than other people. What's the word – I can't think of it.

OR: Hm, enclaves? Sects?

Me: Yes, sects! Did you encourage or support these Oral sects?

OR: I never have. I am not a fan of Oral sects and in fact, I think it's unholy.

Me: Sometimes these sects would do mind-altering drugs to try to get closer to the Lord. What would you think about these types?

OR: I am totally against mindblowing Oral sects. No matter what.

Me: So, to reiterate, the very concept of Oral sects infuriates you and you condemn all facets of Oral sects completely?

OR: Exactly!

Me: I bet Mrs. Roberts really loved you, didn't she?

OR: Most of the time, except when she was sucking my cock.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 20 Comments »

The methodology of consolation

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

I stood next to his body with my hand on the back of a woman I'd only met once before. I didn't even know her first name. I just knew her as his mother.

There's no way to do that right. It's impossible to properly console a mother who is crying over the loss of her son, her only child, her best friend. Crying's not the right word. This was a complete and utter loss of all emotional faculties. Up and down my hand went on her back. A constant rhythm. That's all I could think of. Up and down. Up and down.

Trying to give her privacy, I stared intently at the cabinet against the wall, filled with medical supplies. In the glass, I caught the reflection of his face, waxy and still. I heard her talk to him, telling him who she notified and how his son will be fine and how she'll be strong because she knows he would want her to be. And I heard her deny it over and over again, repeating the word no with a low staccato beat. Her face buried in the blue sheet that covered him, she moaned, a low guttural sound that echoed in my head. Up and down. Up and down.

I noticed that one of the cabinet doors was slightly ajar and contemplated walking over to close it. The more I stared, the more it bothered me. Why didn't somebody close that fucking door? The rest of them are closed and how hard is it to close. one. door? And the sheets? Why were the sheets wrinkled? Hadn't anyone thought that the sheets should be nice and neat? Without thinking, I reached out to straighten the sheet in front of me. My hand touched his covered body. It was very solid and felt cool to the touch. And it felt wrong. So wrong.

Suddenly, I was ready to leave. If it wasn't for my hand on the back of this woman I didn't know, moving up and down, while she said goodbye to her son, a friend, I would have been gone. Instead, I breathed and looked him in the face and listened to her words. I felt her love and her grief and her pain and her misery as if it were my very own.

And I stood silently and like a statue, if not for the arm moving up and down, up and down, until she was done saying goodbye to her only son.

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Posted in Serious stuff | 59 Comments »

My interview with Walter Cronkite

Monday, July 20th, 2009

Walter Cronkite, one of the most respected journalists of our time, died on Friday night at the age of 92. I spoke with him posthumously on Sunday:

Me: Thank you for speaking with me, Walter.

WC: Young man, it is my pleasure.

Me: I'm very honored that I'm getting the chance to interview you. Since you are a veteran journalist, would you mind if I made this interview a fast-paced, hard hitting affair?

WC: (chuckles) Not at all. Please feel free to fire away.

Me: Oh, chuckle at me, will you, old man? First, here's a softball question. You retired from the CBS Evening News almost thirty years ago. Would you say that broadcast journalism has flourished or floundered after your absence?

WC: The corporatization of television journalism has ruined it. No longer can the people have someone they can trust to deliver unbiased news, and this saddens me greatly.

Me: Now, is it true that Adolf Hitler modeled his mustache after yours?

WC: Where did you hear that?

Me: So you admit that it's true?

WC: (sputters) No! I would like to know what unreliable sources you're using for such spurious accusations.

Me: I read it on a blog somewhere.

WC: Don't get me started about blogging. Blogs are going to be the death of journalism because every mom with a sleeping baby can churn out 500 words of her uneducated opinion and uninformed people will take it as fact.

Me: Plus, bloggers make up random shit like interviews with famous people who have died, too.

WC: Exactly.

Me: Did we just break the fourth wall?

WC: I'm not sure. I know that I just broke wind, though.

Me: Dude, did you eat limburger? Fuuck.

WC: Young man, do not call me "Dude". You can call me "Uncle Walter", "Walter", "Mr. Cronkite", or "Senor Mustache Ride", but that's only if you're under 19, Puerto Rican, and have an ass I can bounce a quarter off of.

Me: Well, now we're getting off track. Let's stick to the interview, fishlips. It is said that the term "anchor" was coined because of your role as a broadcast journalist.

WC: Yes, that's right.

Me: Why'd they come up with anchor? Why a nautical term? Why not "starboard"? Plank? Mast? Poop Deck?

WC: So you would have the gall to suggest that I would call myself a Television Poop Deck Man? Are you addled in the head?

Me: Hey, I'm not the one with Hitler's moustache who's named after a barnacle-encrusted rusty implement designed to stop a ship!

WC: This interview is over.

Me: Wait, one last thing.

WC: (sighs) Fine.

Me: My Canadian brother from another mother, LeSombre, turns another year older today. He told me that you are his biological father.

WC: I am absolutely not!

Me: He swears that you are his father. That you impregnated his mother during an orgy in the early 70s. That you, David Brinkley and Chen Huntley triple-teamed her.

WC: I swear that you have the ethics of an amoral snake-oil salesman.

Me: So you won't wish your illegitimate son a happy birthday?

WC: I most certainly will not! And may you rot in hell! (storms off)

Me: And that's the way it is.

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead celebrity interviews:

Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 49 Comments »

Avitaweek 2009: Martin Loser King

Monday, January 19th, 2009

As you might have noticed from the header (if not, reload the page), this is AvitaWeek 2009! My birthday is on Monday, January 26th, and I plan on being shameless in my celebration over the next seven days, by brazenly soliciting presents, baked goods, cards, well wishes, photos of your boobs, posts on next Monday dedicated solely to my awesomeness, and grainy home videos of you having sex.

Last year, during Avitaweek 2008, my first post also coincided with Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. In that post, I compared our similarities. This year, I'm going to talk to the man himself:

"I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

I will pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Me: Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.

MLK: It's my pleasure to have another chance to share my message of peace with the world.

Me: Can I call you Marty?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: Marty – you know, your name? I mean, I have a Doctorate, too, so unless you want to call me Dr. Avitable and make me call you Dr. King, I think we can dispense with the formalities.

MLK: Ummm….

Me: Of course, Marty makes me think of Back to the Future and Marty McFly – can you imagine having your mom hit on you and making your family disappear?

MLK: What?

Me: They don't have movies in heaven? I'd think you'd have plenty of free time to catch all of the movies that come out now. Unless you're actually in hell?

MLK: No, no. I just don't trifle myself with cinema. We sit around and have hours of discourse on life and society and culture and other-

Me: And you strum your harps, blah blah blah.

MLK: You're quite impudent.

Me: I'm just bored with your snootiness. You're quite full of yourself for a-

MLK: For a black man? Did you just call me an uppity black man?

Me: I was going to say ghost. Jeez, jump to conclusions much?

MLK: I apologize. I know that you live in a time of racial harmony.

Me: Well, rap music is probably the only racial harmony around.

MLK: But a black man will be entering his given place in a large, secure government facility this year!

Me: Yeah, OJ got convicted, finally.

MLK: No, I'm saying that a black American is finally getting the recognition of the world and the total adoration and respect of most of its peoples.

Me: Oh yeah! Will Smith is one of my all-time favorite actors, too. Did you see Hancock?

MLK: I'm talking about the wonder of a world where an African American can appear on television and have millions of viewers tune in to hang on each and every word.

Me: Ohhh, you're talking about Oprah! She gives away cars to her audience, so I think she bribes the viewers for all of that adoration.

MLK: Boy, are you addled in the head? Did you get kicked by a mule as a child?

Me: No, why?

MLK: You seem to be easily distracted and too focused on the tawdry world of entertainment and cinema instead of the real world. A young man such as yourself should be focusing on church, service to his community, church, raising a family, and spreading peace throughout the world.

Me: Wow. Preachy much?

MLK: Excuse me?

Me: I'm just saying – now you're being a bit uppity.

Me: Hello?

Me: Marty?

Celebrate Avitaweek 2009! Go here or here to buy me a present!

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Posted in AvitaWeek, Avitable Interviews | 43 Comments »

My interview with Caylee Anthony

Monday, December 15th, 2008

Me: Hi, Caylee.

C: Hi, Adam. Thanks for having me on your blog.

Me: Anytime. So, you're dead, huh?

C: Yup. It seems that way.

Me: I'm very sorry to hear that.

C: Oh, don't be. Unless you're my stupid whore of a mother, Casey Anthony, it's not your fault.

Me: It seemed like there were a lot of people praying that you were actually at a friend's house or
otherwise safe, regardless of all of the suspicious evidence.

C: Yeah, those people are fucking idiots. Maybe if everyone had been pragmatic from the very second my batshit crazy mom started telling her lies, this wouldn't have ended up the media circus that it is.

Me: It's a little weird, isn't it? I mean, kids disappear all of the time, but your story is like Jon Benet Ramsey's.

C: Well, she's a little bit before my time, but I've met her here. She asked me to pass on that yes they fucking did do it and she can't believe they got away with it. What amazes me is how simple the equation is for something to become a media circus.

Me: Care to enlighten me?

C: You need a crazy parent or parents, you need just enough evidence to make it obvious to everyone except the police, and you need a pretty white girl.

Me: You think the media's racist?

C: When's the last time someone had their very own Wikipedia entry and they were a missing black girl? Or Asian? Or Hispanic? Or even an ugly white girl?

Me: I guess you're right. Do you think the media attention helped, though?

C: No! Without the media attention, my mom would have been interrogated, she would have broken down, plead guilty, and been getting forcibly raped by a couple of bull dykes down in prison. But now, she can get a decent defense attorney and my Nana and Papa can make money off of my death.

Me: You don't want your grandparents to earn any money? This is a capitalist society, after all.

C: I wouldn't mind if they were completely innocent, but they're not. They knew what a dead behind the eyes, negligent, recklessly evil piece of shit my mother was, and they let this all happen. Even after they knew I was dead, they're still supporting my mom instead of denouncing her for the sociopath that she is.

Me: Wow, you have a lot of resentment for a three-year old. Of course, now that I think about it, you're awfully articulate for someone your age, too.

C: Well, since I'm dead, this entire conversation is just a figment of your imagination. And you stole the whole concept from Black Hockey Jesus, too.

Me: Yeah, well he manages to make his conversations interesting and funny. I've only managed to be disturbing and kind of weird.

C: That explains why you're naked.

Me: Ahem. Well, to get back on target, is there anything you'd like me to pass on to the world at large?

C: First, apparently there is a hell for kids, and it's filled with giant clowns and Mickey Mouses. Second, Elvis is indeed dead and he just asked me to be his child bride. Finally, heaven is filled with "Obama '08" signs. Who'da thunk it?

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Posted in Avitable Interviews | 39 Comments »